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Freakish Feats of Athleticism

Posted 09-01-2010 at 05:34 PM by Speced9

Have you ever read a story about the average Joe doing some kind of amazing physical feat in the face of danger? You know, there's the stories about the mom who lifts a car off of her infant son. There's the dad who holds the walls of a collapsing building to save his children. Even the dog who can dial 911!

Well, today I had my own amazing physical feat of miraculousness.

It's only amazing because 1. I did it without even thinking about it, and 2. I'm not sure I could duplicate it if I tried. Regardless, I've been laughing about it all day. Here's the story, but first, this blog disclaimer:

NO STUDENTS OR TEACHERS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST EVENT.

Okay, so here's the situation- My aide is in charge of my class during breakfast each morning. I have duties with the school's TV studio announcements, so we bring the kiddies into the cafe, then I take off for 15 minutes to do my thing.

This morning, the honeymoon was officially over for one of my new students. Let's call him Little Billy. Actually, it should be, Little Mischievous Billy Who LOVES The Attention. Ol' Billy decided it was time to screw with my aide, so he began to roam around the cafeteria while ignoring her request to sit down. Now, I believe in ignoring attention getting behavior as long as it doesn't disrespect others or property. So, Little Billy was ignorable at this point. My aide called me on the walkie and told me what was going on. I agreed with the ignoring, and said I'd be down in a minute.

For some odd reason, when I made my appearance, it sent Little Billy into overdrive. The nearest I can figure, at some point Little Billy's family must have gone to one of those hypnotist shows this past summer. He was called on stage and had the subliminal suggestion to go ballistic on the second Tuesday of the school year when his teacher enters the cafe.

As soon as he saw me, he began a full sprint around the cafeteria, swatting at kids and getting into the daycare program's materials that are housed down there. For those of you unfamiliar with the IGNORING RULE, this is the point that all bets are off.

So, Little Billy and I start playing Cat and Mouse around the 30 foot long cafeteria tables. He was on one side and I was on the other. He'd go one way, I'd match it, and he would cleverly go back the other direction. This is where the amazing feat of athleticism comes into play. I'm guessing we were playing Cat and Mouse for about 30 seconds when without thinking, I made a move. Billy was going to the right, I was matching him step for step on the other side of the table.
He made his reversal of direction and......... TA DA!.....
I planted my right hand in the middle of the cafe table and vaulted over to the other side.

Billy stopped dead in front of me with a look I can only describe as "OH SH$%!"
I said, "GO SIT DOWN!"
Billy's reaction to this was, "You're mean!" and he sat down defeated.

No, I wasn't being mean, just smarter. Smarter and more agile than I ever thought I could be. God bless Weight Watchers and the gym I've been going to! Trust me, 40+ pounds ago if would have tried that, I probably would have broken my arm and crash landed in the middle of the table. Somebody call Ripley's!

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