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Fear & Loathing in Special Education

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The Return of My Weird Neighbor, Gary

Posted 12-29-2011 at 04:03 PM by Speced9

Truthfully, I haven't seen ol' Gary in quite a while. I'm not sure if it's because we keep different hours, or if I'm just that good at avoiding him. Wouldn't it be crazy if he was avoiding me? Nah. Impossible. Anyway, I got a call from my weird neighbor today that I thought worthy of posting about.

The call came smack dab in the middle of supervising my daughter's driving. She has the dreaded driver's permit now and we have about 50 hours of drive time to get through. I personally want to thank the state legislators for that one. Now driving with a fifteen year old is stressful enough, but when you get a call from your weird neighbor Gary in the midst of it, it's enough to send you over the edge.

Me: Hello?
MWNG: Yeah, I'm going to be out of town for a couple of days, would you watch my house?
Me: Watch your house?
MWNG: Yeah, just make sure that nothing funny goes on around there while I'm away.
Me (thinking): Funny stuff goes on there while you're there.
Me: Uh, okay, no problem.
MWNG: I'll be back Sunday.
Me: Okay
MWNG: Happy New Year to you!
Me (thinking again): It would be happier if you moved.
Me: You too.
15 Year Old Driver: What did he want?

So, this is what kills me about Gary's request- first off, I pretty much figure that his paranoia is coming from the fact that we had a break-in a few houses down this past summer, but what makes him think that anyone would want to step foot in his yard? I guess you have to see the place to totally understand what I mean. Let me put it to you this way. Every neighborhood has the CREEPY house in it. I've never heard of anyone sneaking up to the creepy house by cover of darkness in the hopes that they would find something valuable to steal in it. That's where I'm coming from with Gary.

Let's just say for argument's sake that despite the exterior of Gary's house and the plethora of odd objects in his front and back yard that he is storing gold bullion in there. A gang of neighborhood toughs have seen the shiny glow of gold bricks illuminating from his windows and have decided they are going to hit the joint at their next opportunity.

An hour past sundown, a ruthless gang of four approaches Gary's house from the rear. It's easy to get into the backyard because Gary tore down his chain-link fence two summer's ago. Why, I don't know. Regardless, the thieves easily walk around the posts that Gary left sticking up from the ground.

As the ease of their crime is filling their minds, Thief Number One steps on a rake left in the yard three autumns ago. It's upturned so the thief creates the lever effect and gets smacked right in the nose by the handle. One thief down.

Thief Number Two continues on snickering to himself. In the darkness, he doesn't see the empty pallet that has been laying there since spring because grass and weeds have grown up around it. He catches his left foot between the slats, falls forward, and impales himself on a piece of plastic tubing Gary has sticking out of the ground for God knows what reason. Two down, two to go.

Thief Number Three, thinking that the gold is now even more enticing because it's only going to get split two ways carries on. Before he knows it, he falls into the gigantic hole Gary dug at least four springs ago for the already dead pine tree he brought home one day. After Number Three falls in, he tries to grab anything to get himself out and unfortunately grabs the dead tree still in its pot and pulls it on top of himself. One more to go.

The last thief, even though he is utterly amazed at the cartoonish antics of his partners in crime, makes it to the house. Entering isn't hard because Gary still has a back window unlocked from his day of tossing moldy drywall out into the yard this past summer. Once inside, Thief Number Four is never heard from again. It's assumed that he was smothered by stacks of newspapers, old socks and pizza boxes.

So, my job is simple. I need to watch Gary's house. For the next few days, I'll look out my bedroom window into Gary's yard. If I don't see a bunch of thugs passed out, impaled or buried by a dead tree, I'll know everything is okay. God help me if Gary ever decides to give me a house key.
Posted in Teaching Related , My Weird Neighbor, Gary , Life As I Know It
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  1. Old Comment
    happygal's Avatar

    very funny

    and thanks for entertaining me. neighbors can seem strange. Have you ever seen the movie, Lars and the Real Girl? Now that was ONE strange guy.

    Keep on writing!
    Posted 01-19-2012 at 11:54 AM by happygal happygal is online now
  2. Old Comment


    they way you describe it all. Very funny. Please keep us up to date. XD
    Posted 02-19-2012 at 07:54 PM by ferrioni ferrioni is offline

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