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Fear & Loathing in Special Education

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CRAP! I'm Not Immortal.

Posted 12-21-2010 at 06:27 PM by Speced9

You know, just when you start feeling like age is just a number, ol' Father Time decides to put you back in your place. About a year ago, I had hit physical rock bottom. I weighed 212 lbs, the heaviest I've ever been, so I started Weight Watchers® and began to hit the active life hard. No one told me that the active life could hit back.

So, today I learned that I have an inguinal (ing-gwee-nul) hernia going on. For those of you unfamiliar with the male physiology, the inguinal canal is the passage our spermatic cords run through. It's one of those anatomy things that's set up for failure. It's a weak point in our armor like an achilles heal straight to the crotch. Ouch. Just typing that hurts. Anyway, as we men get older, our abdominal walls weaken even if we're doing 160 crunches three days a week. Then one day, your lower abdominals say, "Hey there buddy, you might think you're buff and all, but we're going to fail on you while you're doing something terribly ordinary." For me, that was just going to the bathroom.

There I was on my throne ( I AM the king of my household after all) having an uneventful moment of privacy. Nothing out of the ordinary was going on until I stood up. It was then that I looked down and saw this bulging package where there shouldn't be one.

"OMG! WHO THE HELL IMPLANTED A HOT DOG UNDER MY SKIN!"

It's funny how sometimes your first impression as to what to do is the correct one. Before even thinking, I gently (oh, so gently) pushed the hot dog back into its bun (aka my groin). So, my doctor tells me, that's the right thing to do because if you can't push it back in, you're in trouble. Your ab muscles will put a strangle hold on your intestines and choke the life out of them. If you wonder what that's like, just Google "inguinal hernia pictures". It will scare you right back into church. Trust me.

From what I've gathered by talking to my doctor and searching the Internet, the intestines are a nomadic organ. They don't like to stay in one part of your body for very long. Somewhere around year 40, the ol' intestine decides to set out on its own seeking fame and fortune. Our job as its host is to dash its hopes and dreams by cutting it off at the pass. This is done by a laparoscopic procedure (laparoscopic is latin for " a doctor playing a carnival crane game") that closes off the abdominal escape route. The funny thing is that my doctor called it "an elective procedure". I could choose to have the surgery and slowly work back towards where I am today, or I could live a life of fear, helplessness and sloth. Hmmmmm……such a hard choice, isn't it? If I was 80, I'd probably choose not to and milk it for everything it's worth. I'd have my kids doing everything around here while my butt is planted in the recliner. Either that, or I'd have things rigged up like the kid in A Big Ball of String.



At first, I had a feeling of doom over this. I went through the whole self-pity thing when faced with the thought of being dependent on others for a little while. I also feared that I would end up at 212 lbs. again before I knew it. I'm over that now. I know that I can keep the weight off by eating sensibly while I'm going through my inactive period, and then slowly work my way back into the weight lifting circuit when it's all over. It only took a year for me to go from being in the worst shape of my life to being in the best shape of my life. I certainly can undo any damage my aimlessly roaming intestinal tract brings upon me. Plus, at the very least, I'm good for at least a couple more TMI blog posts out of this. So, as they say, when life gives you lemons…….make laparoscopic lemonade.
Posted in Teaching Related , Life As I Know It , TMI (You Had to Be There)
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  1. Old Comment
    Speced9's Avatar

    Hey! I just thought of something!

    This hernia thing is going to get me out of doing some of the things that I don't care for! Like:

    1. Installing new toilets
    2. Restraining children at school
    3. Carrying my drunk wife to bed

    Unfortunately, it also cuts out one of my faves- shoveling/blowing snow. CRAP! I also must admit that I'm missing the gym. I can go and do stuff like walk around the track with the old folks and maybe ride one of those lounger bikes. Oh, well, the pros and cons of weak abdominals.
    Posted 12-23-2010 at 01:48 PM by Speced9 Speced9 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Angie's Avatar
    I hope your surgery goes well. And I am so googling that... I think gross and weird stuff is cool.
    Posted 12-27-2010 at 11:17 PM by Angie Angie is offline
 


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