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Fear & Loathing in Special Education

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Color Copier Washer Dryer

Posted 04-11-2010 at 08:26 AM by Speced9

That's what we need, folks. If only Xerox® would get together with Maytag® and create a machine that will print out twenty copies while washing, drying and collating my outfit.

I don't know why it takes me so long to figure things out. I've been eating yogurt as a part of my school lunch since the first semester. My brain just can't retain the fact that yogurt in a cup is explosive stuff.

The scenario is always the same. There I am walking from the lounge with a yogurt in one hand, papers from my mailbox in the other, and a plastic spork in my mouth seemingly unaware that I'm carrying a ticking time bomb. I put the papers down on my teacher table, grab the tinfoil pull tab and.... explosion of yogurt. Yogurt on my shirt, yogurt on my pants (in the worst possible place mind you) and yogurt on my shoes. It's funny though because despite the fact that I just experienced what is equivalent to three sticks of dynamite, I still have the presence of mind to lick the yogurt off the cover before I angrily throw it in the trash. Then the rest of the day, I get to walk around with a plethora of pink stains on my teaching outfit which prompts others to say,
"Hey, you've got a little something on your......HEY! How did that get there?"

This has me thinking about all the explosive substances we have in our lounges on a daily basis:

Substance: Chip bags
How They're Set Off: Too much pressure on the palms
Outcome: One chip left in the bag, the rest all over the floor (remember the 5 second rule!)

Substance: Soda
How They're Set Off: A bumpy ride coming out of the vending machine, dropping it while walking to your room (because you're carrying papers and a cup of yogurt too), disgruntled ex-student working at the food stand shakes it up before handing it to you
Outcome: Massive spray all over you and everyone else, then the slow soda lava flow while you stand helplessly looking around like Wile E. Coyote

Substance: The Little Cherry Tomato
How They're Set Off: Off center bite
Outcome: Bad for those sitting around you, not so bad for you

Substance: The All Beef Frank
How They're Set Off: One millisecond too long in the microwave
Outcome: Ever seen Aliens?

Substance: Little Ketchup Packets
How They're Set Off: Just look at those little suckers the wrong way and they'll blow
Outcome: Ketchup splatter that only CSI can decipher

So there you have it. We work, eat and relax in a very volatile environment folks. So much so that I'm thinking about putting up one of these little numbers next to the doorway:


Posted in Teaching Related , Life As I Know It
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