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learn 09-29-2021 06:35 AM

My own adult kids
 
Hello PT,

I have two boys, one 28 and the other 27. They use to be the best of friends growing up now not so much.

The 27 year old for the past 8 years has gone off the deep end after my divorce. It may be because he is showing signs of bipolar or that he is just a rebellious child and not grateful. My older son resents him because he feels he chooses to be that way and says that his brother has been making bad choices since the age of 13. So my 28 year hasn't talked to his brother in many years....I'd say about 7 years now.
He is tired of his excuses and nonsense.

As a mother I am very torn. However, it was my wedding celebration several weeks ago and I had asked my oldest if he wished to say any words, he said he was good and didn't feel the need to say anything about me.

Years ago after my divorce, this one child of mine had said, if Dad were to ever get married, I would never know what to say in my speech because there is nothing good to say. Well, after he said this to me, I felt that he must feel the same about me.

Should I confront him with this? His dad and I are total opposites and yes, we should've never gotten married, but we did and I love my kids dearly.

What shoudl I do?

Cassyree 09-29-2021 07:33 AM

I think divorced parents' remarriages are awkward for all children, even those that are adults. I would not assume he has anything bad to say about you. I would only assume he didn't want to speak at your wedding. Confronting him about this will only make a bad situation worse. Let it go. Really, let it go!

learn 09-29-2021 07:49 AM

Thank you
 
I appreciate your advice. 😊

TAOEP 09-29-2021 09:04 AM

I agree--no need to say anything. I suspect that in a situation like celebrating a parent's new marriage that anything positive the child would say could feel like a criticism of the other parent. Even if true, it could be hard to say publicly.

Also, I dislike the word for "confront" in almost all situations that involve people. Going into a situation with the idea of confronting it tends to turn a conversation into an argument.

I'm sorry that your sons no longer have a relationship. Perhaps with time, maturity, and some mental health care things will improve. There's hope--I can hear that you love them both.

momteachsis 09-29-2021 08:13 PM

One perspective
 
I was in my 20s when my mom remarried. My dad had cheated on her for many years, they divorced and she met someone else. Even though I love my mom and am very close to her, there is no way I wanted to make a speech at her wedding.
What could I have said "My mom was treated awfully by my dad. I'm glad she's happy now!" There wouldn't have been a way to make that less awkward.
I still love my mom, it just would have put me in a weird position and maybe your son felt the same way.

bonteach 09-30-2021 03:42 AM

Divorce sucks and is hard for everyone. My adult son gave my boyfriend the best compliment ever when he said, “I trust you to take care of my mom.”

That being said, I wouldn’t ask him to speak if we do get married because no matter what, even though his father cheated and screwed me financially, he is still and always will be, his father. It could prove to be difficult for DS. My son is happy that I am happy, and for that, I am thankful.


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