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anxietyridden 10-15-2018 04:24 PM

Hating life!
Well. I had the absolute worst day at work yet. Plus I was physically ill, entirely due to the physical toll of major stress and depression on my body from work stress. Back aches, headaches, earache, nausea, painful ongoing UTI. Most kids just acted even worse. I was too chicken to call out because on Fri so many teachers were out sick that admin emailed us to say no one else was allowed to call out sick that day. Plus I've called out once before already during one of the many times I've been sick since school started this year.

I am beyond depressed. Kids dont take me seriously. I can't rearrange seats when they don't even abide by my seating chart or move to their seats when I direct them. I can't get a word in edgewise. I'm sick of this one student's weirdo "brrrr" noises, which sound like a brain damaged pigeon trying to do a raspberry. Ah yes. She's the same girl who told me I'm not allowed to assign seats in my own classroom, only the dean can, because I'm not a real teacher. Yeah. She makes me feel so awesome in my job. She also keeps accidentally on purpose tripping over my projector's cord, in the middle of the lesson, when everyone is supposed to stay seated anyway. I have a secret disdain for klutziness and tripping as it is (I know that's bad), but my disdain for purposeful pretend klutziness is much worse. She's far from the only one who treats me like garbage. She's just the one I'm picking on right now.

My jobsearch sucks. Even Comcast Cable rejected me for a secretary gig at round 1. The only jobs reaching out to me are misfit scammy commission-only "sales" jobs, and in faraway cities to boot. Or those awful education temp agencies, who con teachers into working as indep contractors for low wages as long term subs in less desirable basically same type of job I have now, but much less money, far away, no healthcare, no paid holidays, no summer pay, no longevity, and no unemployment comp eligibility come summertime. I've ALWAYS struggled with finding quality jobs and getting the wages or raises I deserve. Heck, that's why I got into teaching in the first place. I guess I should be glad I finally landed a job that actually required a college diploma. Last time I tried to quit teaching, it took six months of job searching just to get some bs menial $14/hr temp job where I was treated beneath everyone and let go after only 2 months. Hence the return to teaching.

I feel like I'll be stuck staying in a bad fit job, miserable and frazzled for the rest of my life, just like that colleague I wrote about. She's my cautionary tale. I see what the job did to her and how wrinkled and haggard she looks as a result. I'm already graying, and that didn't start until this job! No joke.

My best friend was particularly nasty tonight. She texted, "If you are done then quit. Or at least stop trying and caring since it's not working anyway. Unless screaming about how you are done is somehow making you feel better and making you better able to cope with things which I know is a thing for some people." Right. Like i can just quit when I'm the breadwinner and my husband is struggling jobwise too. His job ended last week and now he's at an even more menial job that pays even less than before. At my rate, he'll probably divorce me for being a miserable old lady, and I'll be stuck paying him alimony out of my teacher salary.

I am so miserable I could cry! Im scared i will end up in a mental hospital if I stay here without things improving. EVERYONE at my job is shocked and appalled that the kids are treating me so rotten and not relenting already. NOTHING is working. No learning is happening in my room, except a few things in the one honors class, but only when an admin is present in the room. Plus I'm still without healthcare, bringing home my illnesses to my uninsured, UNVACCINATED infant (unvaccinated only because we lack healthcare). Im beyond hysterical...I can't even.

Clarity 10-15-2018 04:53 PM

I know exactly how you feel.
I once got pushed out of a job due to seniority issues and got plunked into the school from hell. Five classes, four on one campus, one on another. I could have told your same story. I do not know how I lived through it. The kids were horrible and the parents were worse. The principal was great, but the kids did not respect her much, either.

I don't know what to tell you as to how to get your classes back on track. I started making their classroom participation and behavior a percentage of their grade. That worked on some of them, but not all. The kids functioned like gang members. The admin literally told us not to turn our back son them. It was definitely a case of the inmates running the asylum.

Can you call every child's parent and ask them to help get their kids in line? Is this middle school? They are the worst. Is admin helping you at all or are they clueless?

Sending good thoughts out to you. I remember literally counting the minutes each day. Couldn't wait to go home. I did stick it out, but looking back, I wonder why.

klarabelle 10-15-2018 05:21 PM

Once you get healthcare please see a therapist, they helped me when I was stressed with my class/admin.

Can you look at the positive instead of the negative? Learning is happening in the Honors Class.

Stop looking at the woman who gave her life to school, you are not her. [easier said than done] This woman is taking up too much space in your head. Remember, you only have what she says not the complete picture.

Take your baby for a walk with DH and just be together.

Don't let the students see how upset you get. The bottom line is they are responsible for their learning.

Is your local hospital hiring? They have al different type of positions.

Relax and take a mental health day. Sending positive thoughts your way.

anxietyridden 10-15-2018 06:03 PM


Is your local hospital hiring? They have al different type of positions.

Bwahahahaha sore subject. I know I sound bitter. I applied to literally 20 different positions at the hospital, painstakingly tedious process for each, and have received ALL rejection emails. Not even a single interview.

Juiceboxes 10-15-2018 07:05 PM

Something that comes to mind is what have you done to build personal relationships with your class?

missamberlori 10-15-2018 07:51 PM

Feel your pain
I feel your pain! I hate my job-kids do not listen to me! I am always just trying to keep my head above water.
If you are young enough my suggestion is to get training in something else. Research going back to school. I am one of those teachers who stayed too long and am burnt out completely but holding on. Everyone in my family is dependent on me financially as well. For me the only good thing is I have saved many many sick days-and this year I think I will need them. I have a class from h.... and have been so stressed. Can't believe you don't have healthcare-What state are you in?
Praying for you and feel your pain-

anxietyridden 10-15-2018 11:19 PM

Missamberlori, that's pretty much how I feel right now. When kids don't listen to me, I feel incompetent and bad at what I do. How can anyone love something they suck at? I never have. I'm the type who resents having someone say, "you try really hard BUT I'm letting you go because you just don't have what it takes/ you're not achieving/ you're not a good fit for this profession/etc." Yes I've been on the receiving end of this and it SUCKS. Much much moreso than getting in trouble because of something I may have knowingly, willfully did (which hasn't happened at a job, but definitely may have occurred with my parents when I was a less behaved daughter at times!). I'm not aiming for any pathetic "good sport award" here; I want REAL achievement. I remember recently reading about an inexperienced new teacher who twittered that she "loves [her] job, but [her] classes are a zoo!" Ugh. First thought I had was, why publicly proclaim to love something you're clearly not good at? To me that's analogous to liking/crushing on someone who doesn't like you back. (Yes, when younger I was frequently the type who'd stop liking someone by default if it came out that he didn't like me)

As for school. Very, very expensive. And I already hold one Masters degree that my best friend has rendered "objectively useless". My other friend suggested community college, acted like he thought I thought it was beneath me. Definitely not beneath me. I went to one this time last year, took courses above and beyond what was needed for certification in a new field. AFTER spending a lot on courses and hard earning a 4.0 GPA, I did a you-pay internship (even worse than a totally unpaid internship, PAYING to work somewhere), and that never led anywhere jobwise for me. Biggest waste ever. Long before that, I struggled immensely and unsuccessfully to get any kind of internship or job above the level of my many menial/McJobs in college, and had a heck of a struggle securing employment after college. To the bad extreme that I was stuck working low pay jobs like grocery store, retail, and restaurant work for a while after graduation and became literally homeless for a bit. (I am very deeply ashamed of the homelessness part, to the point that way back before I had kids, I even swore I'd off myself if I ever became homeless again) My mother always mouthed off about what a "waste" she felt college was, and my job plight unintentionally landed me as her poster child example for how college doesn't get someone anywhere but in debt. So yes I feel very jaded and guarded about the idea of spending more on school. I've never gotten a good return on my schooling...which is really bad for me to say, when I'm a TEACHER whose role is to advocate education! (and I do advocate continuing education, even though I havent had the best outcomes from it)

Oh but I've still been researching schools, contacting said schools, personally interviewing former teacher colleagues who've successfully moved on from teaching, and looking into courses. Still. I guess I haven't learned? (Pun intended)

Coopsgrammy 10-16-2018 10:56 AM

Deep breath
I have been in the spot of hating my job and having the class from ... I took one of your so called menial $14/hr jobs, and love it. I am in a different stage of life, so I am financially able to do that. I understand if you are not.

I agree with klarabell, "Once you get healthcare please see a therapist" to help you channel the negative energy in your life.

Your anger seems to be eating you alive. I am sorry that your friends seem unsupportive, but they may be feeling like they have tried other tactics, and you are lashing out at them, now. I hope something comes your way that meets your needs. Keep looking.

Tawaki 10-16-2018 01:28 PM

Health department
At least were I live, you can get free/low cost immunizations for infants/children through the local health department. I did that when BC/BS didn't pay for childhood immunizations.

I went. They ask for insurance card, and I said no insurance. I think out of the 4 shots my DD got, there was one that was 20 dollars.

Beauty of it is the health department gave the shots, not the doctor's office. That way my DD wasn't scared of the doctor's office visits.

I know you have an ocean liner amount of things on your plate. This might take the edge off of worrying. Your tax dollars go to public health. Use it.

anxietyridden 10-17-2018 05:37 AM

Tried that. They wont see him for shots until he's been to a recent dr visit. I called around and finally found a sliding scale dr office that sees people without ins, but not until a month from now. Still don't know what the sliding scale fee will be. Smh.

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