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bookgeek59 01-17-2021 05:14 PM

Is it possible there'd be no chemistry?
I keep seeing eharmony ads where they must have added a video chat option or something bc of quarantine. It started me thinking. Is it possible that couples could video chat for months during COVID, meet in person, and there's no chemistry?

Then I thought more about life way before eharmony, phones, or email. People wrote letters to their love/betrothed/whatever, and it strengthened their bond. Many WWII wartime loves bloomed after a USO dance followed by letters back and forth. Was there ALWAYS chemistry?


Starr 01-17-2021 05:24 PM

I think we hear about the happily ever after stories! I'm sure there were times when people finally met in person long ago and didn't feel any sparks.
Then again, I think people were more pragmatic then and had already made up their mind to commit.
I read an interesting memoir once--the writer had been a European mail order bride in the very late 1800s, I think, and was brought over to marry a fellow European who had immigrated several years before and was living on the prairie with some members of his family. It was fascinating but sad to read the epilogue at the end where one of their children added on his reminiscences (the mother wrote it in her old age just for her children to read, but at some point they published it) that once their children were grown and they had sold their farm and retired, his parents basically separated and spent the rest of their lives apart and living with different children in their homes. So, they had made a life for themselves, and while it wasn't this desperately unhappy marriage it didn't sound like a happy one, either.

Haley23 01-17-2021 05:32 PM

I'm sure it could go either way! One of my friends met her husband in some sort of organization where volunteers were assigned soldiers to be pen pals with. They communicated only via letters for 2 years. When he returned to the states, they got married 6 weeks later.

teachnkids 01-17-2021 05:33 PM

I would think back in the day the chemistry thing could have been an issue, but I'm a true believer in getting to know the person.

I worked with a guy. When we hired him everyone said he was eye candy for the school. He was my teaching partner. He quickly became ugly yo many.

My DH and I met and then we're separated for the first 5 months of our relationship. We saw each other twice in that time. We got to know each other as people and I really think it made our decision to marry easier.

Sometimes chemistry is all that there is and when the flame dies down the relationship ends.

I think with facetime, etc it's easier to see if you'll have chemistry.

Tori58 01-18-2021 05:10 AM

Well, technically, it's impossible to know how much "chemistry" you might have if you haven't met someone face-to-face because the chemistry of attraction depends, in part, on pheromones. People think they're attracted to another person because of how they look but, more often, it's because of how they smell.

But chemistry is not historically a particularly important factor in marriage which is essentially an economic and social contract. Today, of course, we expect it all: chemistry plus similar values and life goals. I think there is a lot of value in getting to know someone before your brain can be co-opted by "chemistry" though, especially if marriage is your ultimate goal, as I think it is for people on eharmony.

SusanTeach 01-18-2021 06:30 AM


People think they're attracted to another person because of how they look but, more often, it's because of how they smell.
I always say that about my DH - that I was attracted to him because of his talent (he's a great singer/musician) and he smelled good. It never occurred to me that it wasn't just his cologne. <!--giggle-->

I would think being on a video chat would be close enough to knowing if there's a certain chemistry without having to be physically in person. However, I was in person with DH and knew I wanted to be around him all the time, but I didn't know how deeply I felt that until I kissed him (after 2 months of knowing him, so it wasn't like we kissed on the first date). You can't get that kiss on a video chat.

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