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Leftytoo2 Leftytoo2 is offline
 
Joined: May 2008
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Leftytoo2
 
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 322
Full Member
Not saying "I like the way you..."
Old 07-05-2009, 09:11 PM
 
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Becky Bailey (I think her book is Conscious Discipline?) says that when you say you "like it" when they do things, or even thank them for doing something they should have done anyway, you are taking responsibility away from them. Then you make it about you, that they did it to please you. What you want is for them to do it for themselves, because they are responsible. She says to just praise, but you be specific in the praise, and don't say thank you, because again, it makes it about you again. So, if it's a command, for instance, "Put the crayons in the basket", then you praise with something like, "Wow, you found every crayon on the floor, even the one under the table!" (I'm not very good at this yet, so it's not a great example, but I'm trying with my own kids! :-)) Now, if you ask them to do you a favor, "Can you go get my purse off the table, please?" Then when they do it, you can say, "Thank you." Because it was a favor, not something that they were commanded to do. Do you see the difference?

I found I was even thanking my son for brushing his teeth! How silly is that? So it became a way for him to control me--if he was mad at me, he wouldn't brush his teeth, because it was all about me! So now I'm working on releasing that responsibility and I still tell him to brush his teeth, but I never thank him for it, I just will make some comment on his being very responsible, doing it all on his own, or that his teeth look really shiny or something like that.
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