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anxietyridden anxietyridden is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
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anxietyridden
 
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
Junior Member
Hating life!
Old 10-15-2018, 04:24 PM
 
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Well. I had the absolute worst day at work yet. Plus I was physically ill, entirely due to the physical toll of major stress and depression on my body from work stress. Back aches, headaches, earache, nausea, painful ongoing UTI. Most kids just acted even worse. I was too chicken to call out because on Fri so many teachers were out sick that admin emailed us to say no one else was allowed to call out sick that day. Plus I've called out once before already during one of the many times I've been sick since school started this year.

I am beyond depressed. Kids dont take me seriously. I can't rearrange seats when they don't even abide by my seating chart or move to their seats when I direct them. I can't get a word in edgewise. I'm sick of this one student's weirdo "brrrr" noises, which sound like a brain damaged pigeon trying to do a raspberry. Ah yes. She's the same girl who told me I'm not allowed to assign seats in my own classroom, only the dean can, because I'm not a real teacher. Yeah. She makes me feel so awesome in my job. She also keeps accidentally on purpose tripping over my projector's cord, in the middle of the lesson, when everyone is supposed to stay seated anyway. I have a secret disdain for klutziness and tripping as it is (I know that's bad), but my disdain for purposeful pretend klutziness is much worse. She's far from the only one who treats me like garbage. She's just the one I'm picking on right now.

My jobsearch sucks. Even Comcast Cable rejected me for a secretary gig at round 1. The only jobs reaching out to me are misfit scammy commission-only "sales" jobs, and in faraway cities to boot. Or those awful education temp agencies, who con teachers into working as indep contractors for low wages as long term subs in less desirable jobs...so basically same type of job I have now, but much less money, far away, no healthcare, no paid holidays, no summer pay, no longevity, and no unemployment comp eligibility come summertime. I've ALWAYS struggled with finding quality jobs and getting the wages or raises I deserve. Heck, that's why I got into teaching in the first place. I guess I should be glad I finally landed a job that actually required a college diploma. Last time I tried to quit teaching, it took six months of job searching just to get some bs menial $14/hr temp job where I was treated beneath everyone and let go after only 2 months. Hence the return to teaching.

I feel like I'll be stuck staying in a bad fit job, miserable and frazzled for the rest of my life, just like that colleague I wrote about. She's my cautionary tale. I see what the job did to her and how wrinkled and haggard she looks as a result. I'm already graying, and that didn't start until this job! No joke.

My best friend was particularly nasty tonight. She texted, "If you are done then quit. Or at least stop trying and caring since it's not working anyway. Unless screaming about how you are done is somehow making you feel better and making you better able to cope with things which I know is a thing for some people." Right. Like i can just quit when I'm the breadwinner and my husband is struggling jobwise too. His job ended last week and now he's at an even more menial job that pays even less than before. At my rate, he'll probably divorce me for being a miserable old lady, and I'll be stuck paying him alimony out of my teacher salary.

I am so miserable I could cry! Im scared i will end up in a mental hospital if I stay here without things improving. EVERYONE at my job is shocked and appalled that the kids are treating me so rotten and not relenting already. NOTHING is working. No learning is happening in my room, except a few things in the one honors class, but only when an admin is present in the room. Plus I'm still without healthcare, bringing home my illnesses to my uninsured, UNVACCINATED infant (unvaccinated only because we lack healthcare). Im beyond hysterical...I can't even.



Last edited by anxietyridden; 10-15-2018 at 04:44 PM..
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