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anxietyridden anxietyridden is offline
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
Junior Member

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
Junior Member

Old 10-15-2018, 11:19 PM
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Missamberlori, that's pretty much how I feel right now. When kids don't listen to me, I feel incompetent and bad at what I do. How can anyone love something they suck at? I never have. I'm the type who resents having someone say, "you try really hard BUT I'm letting you go because you just don't have what it takes/ you're not achieving/ you're not a good fit for this profession/etc." Yes I've been on the receiving end of this and it SUCKS. Much much moreso than getting in trouble because of something I may have knowingly, willfully did (which hasn't happened at a job, but definitely may have occurred with my parents when I was a less behaved daughter at times!). I'm not aiming for any pathetic "good sport award" here; I want REAL achievement. I remember recently reading about an inexperienced new teacher who twittered that she "loves [her] job, but [her] classes are a zoo!" Ugh. First thought I had was, why publicly proclaim to love something you're clearly not good at? To me that's analogous to liking/crushing on someone who doesn't like you back. (Yes, when younger I was frequently the type who'd stop liking someone by default if it came out that he didn't like me)

As for school. Very, very expensive. And I already hold one Masters degree that my best friend has rendered "objectively useless". My other friend suggested community college, acted like he thought I thought it was beneath me. Definitely not beneath me. I went to one this time last year, took courses above and beyond what was needed for certification in a new field. AFTER spending a lot on courses and hard earning a 4.0 GPA, I did a you-pay internship (even worse than a totally unpaid internship, PAYING to work somewhere), and that never led anywhere jobwise for me. Biggest waste ever. Long before that, I struggled immensely and unsuccessfully to get any kind of internship or job above the level of my many menial/McJobs in college, and had a heck of a struggle securing employment after college. To the bad extreme that I was stuck working low pay jobs like grocery store, retail, and restaurant work for a while after graduation and became literally homeless for a bit. (I am very deeply ashamed of the homelessness part, to the point that way back before I had kids, I even swore I'd off myself if I ever became homeless again) My mother always mouthed off about what a "waste" she felt college was, and my job plight unintentionally landed me as her poster child example for how college doesn't get someone anywhere but in debt. So yes I feel very jaded and guarded about the idea of spending more on school. I've never gotten a good return on my schooling...which is really bad for me to say, when I'm a TEACHER whose role is to advocate education! (and I do advocate continuing education, even though I havent had the best outcomes from it)

Oh but I've still been researching schools, contacting said schools, personally interviewing former teacher colleagues who've successfully moved on from teaching, and looking into courses. Still. I guess I haven't learned? (Pun intended)
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