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quiet one
 
 
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stressed
Old 03-07-2018, 06:42 AM
  #1

I am a regular poster.

The past few years have been difficult in and out of school. I feel like I'm ultra introverted sometimes and then sometimes not. Presenting in front of other teachers/adults truly gives me panic attacks.

Being observed is torture. I would much rather do all the work myself than have an aide in my room. Last year and this we have push in services for math and reading. It has been torture for me. I feel so judged and feel like I'm doing a horrible job teaching. I get negative and lash out at people. I'm sure I'm known as the difficult person to teach with and toxic. I am so very sad. I am lonely.

I grew up in a very opinionated and judgemental family and find myself like my dad...who I loved but he was a very unhappy person. I am always telling myself to be good but then fall back and do or say something mean or hurtful. I feel that people are tired of me and I've used up all my chances. I hope that if you have someone like me on your staff and you see glimmers of a good person you won't give up on them. Thanks for reading.


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Dear quiet one,
Old 03-07-2018, 10:10 AM
  #2

Retired now, but I also hated observations and having an aide in my room. I was confident in my teaching and didn't lash out at people, but your post reminded me of my mother who has some of the same difficult characteristics that you attribute to yourself. I will try harder to see her in the light that you described at the end of your post. Good luck to you, quiet one.
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depression?
Old 03-07-2018, 12:37 PM
  #3

You sound stressed and depressed. Exercise, sunshine and getting out and about always help me. Don't stay cooped up and in your mind all day. Yes, you might have these issues but you can overcome them. Change teams, schools, take some self help classes, don't give up and leave it to others to determine how you feel about yourself. It's good that you see these traits but I'm sure you are a much better person than MANY out there in the world. I don't know you but I think you are depressed.
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Old 03-07-2018, 07:24 PM
  #4

I had the same thoughts as the previous poster, that you may indeed be depressed. Based on your family environment and what you have shared about how you feel about yourself, I highly recommend you see a good counselor. I think it will be helpful and make you feel better. The good ones have ways of helping your recognize all the good things in yourself and help you find ways to show and share them! I think it is good that you recognize this in yourself. Now take the next step and seek out a counselor. You may also want to speak with your doctor about an antidepressant if the counselor thinks you may be depressed, or just talk with your doctor and see what he or she says about it.

Nancy
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Old 03-08-2018, 02:13 AM
  #5

Most importantly please see a dr and talk to him/her about your feelings.

I do want you to know that you are not alone! I do not like evaluations or having anyone in the room while I'm teaching. I know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do I just feel like when there's another teacher in the room I'm being evaluated all the time. I'm in an inclusion classroom this year and the sp ed teacher is in there quite a bit. More than I like. I can do it myself!! I just cannot teach my best with her in the room. So I do understand!!

Hang in there and talk to your dr!


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Aw
Old 03-08-2018, 09:14 PM
  #6

You write beautifully.

There is a small book entitled, Mastering Change Through Conscious Thought. You can change to feel joyful.



I hope you have some understanding colleagues
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Old 03-09-2018, 12:52 PM
  #7

I was so afraid you were all going to flame me and tell me just to change. I do struggle with depression. I am on medicine. I do have a counsellor...unfortunately she takes a 3 month R&R down south and I have to try to keep it together. I've been to many counselors and she has been the most effective so I am sticking with her.

I was feeling very sad very dark when I posted. I was absolutely tearing myself down but I really am good inside. God bless my husband. I do cause drama and I struggle dealing with stress... it was all piling up and just overflowed.

There are some things I do not agree with at school. I tried to share with one of the people what I had hoped they could do with the kids and my class but it didn't happen and they weren't really willing to compromise. I was quite frustrated and angry and was just seeing red.

Yesterday I went to talk to (a different) person involved in the situation that I thought I had offended and they had no idea I was upset or had lashed out. I guess I have to work on being more expressive in my anger! My personal life has an issue I am struggling with and it is something that I will have to deal with for many years. I am looking forward to my next session with my counselor to give me strategies to work with. Sometimes life is quite overwhelming.

Thank you for not making me feel even worse and giving me advice. It helped. Have a wonderful weekend.
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suggestion
Old 03-09-2018, 03:43 PM
  #8

Is there a way you could explain this anxiety to your principal with having an aide in your room? Maybe your position can change a little bit to a position that doesn't need an aide, so you feel more comfortable with just your students in your room. Also, explain your anxiety being observed by administration. Maybe there are some things that can be changed for next year also. Your principal won't know unless you explain this anxiety. Anxiety can affect your performance.
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