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I trust you and respect your answers and input
Old 10-20-2018, 11:17 AM
 
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My older DD came out today. She and I are in agreement that we just might be knocking on the alzheimer's door with her Dad/my DH. I've wondered before, and I don't know how else to explain his behaviors.

DD and I are trying very hard to not take personally how DH is acting, but I know we still are. He was mean to her when they came to pick me up Wednesday, and they haven't spoken to each other since.

He hasn't been himself for a long time. When I want to fly out to see our other DD, he asks a friend of his to drive us. Says he just can't handle city driving. Feeling that way, he probably shouldn't be driving in the city. I was very surprised Tuesday when he escorted me through 3 registration desks, and when the man came to take me back to pre-op, DH left.

I know there were things after the surgery that had probably been explained to me at the hospital, but I wasn't "there" when they did. I didn't know how to order breakfast, I mistook the phone for the nurses' call button Each time it worked out. It would have been easier, though, if someone had been there to look out for me. However, would DH have been able to handle all the information?

He repeatedly says "stupid" -- that he's stupid, we think he's stupid, the device he's trying to work is just "stupid". This is usually when something hasn't gone right.

I asked him to bring out my laptop (from the sewing room) to where I could use it. "No." Just No.

If he can't hear us, we're mumbling. When we talk loudly for him to hear, we're yelling at him.

In a way, yes, this is a vent because this is not the man I married and hasn't been for a long time. Another way, I feel for him because he seems so frustrated. We talked briefly a few minutes ago, and I asked him if he was mad because I'd had this surgery. He said "No, I'm just mad at the world."

This is highly personal, and people may wonder how I can do this. The post title answers this. I am a pray-er, but I'm also a do-er. When I see a problem, I want to dig in and find answers and help.


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Old 10-20-2018, 11:59 AM
 
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So, so sorry you have to go through this. Has he been less impatient in the past? Was there a time he was not like this? Obviously, he needs an evaluation. If he refuses, perhaps you could give your primary care a heads up just before he goes for a physical. Universities sometimes have screenings for this type of symptom set. Perhaps your local senior center could guide you? Hopefully, someone with experience will chime in. My dear parents died early so I have no experience with this. We had a friend who thought his wife bad early onset demensia but it was instead an operable brain tumor. So there could be many reasons.
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Bright light therapy
Old 10-20-2018, 12:16 PM
 
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It's such a helpless feeling to see a loved one in this situation. My wife and I have been through it with family members. It would be nice if there were easy solutions, but unfortunately, we know there aren't any.

I recently read about a promising complimentary therapy, bright light therapy, in the AARP magazine. It might help those in the early stages of Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia. Although it's far from a cure, there have been some very promising results.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/brigh...-disease-98668

Good luck to all of you.
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What to Do
Old 10-20-2018, 01:10 PM
 
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That is really hard. It may be time for him to be evaluated by a gerontologist. That was helpful when my dad's memory started to decline.

I highly recommend using a gerontologist instead of a general practitioner. My dad's doctor was an expert in all things related to aging and was very helpful diagnosing his issues.
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Old 10-20-2018, 02:32 PM
 
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I have no answers, but will pray for your situation. I had an uncle that had Alzheimer's. In the beginning he was very belligerent. My aunt and cousins felt like they were walking on eggshells all the time. I can't remember how long this phase lasted. Medications did help, but he finally had to be in a memory care facility. My aunt was so supportive of him. She prayed often, was loyal with visits, fed him when he couldn't feed himself, & was just so dedicated. He passed last year. She misses him, but can now do the things she wants. For a 93 year old she is amazing.

I hope you can get him the care he needs. Also be kind to yourself.
Keep us updated.


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You didn't mention any memory problems
Old 10-20-2018, 02:46 PM
 
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Both of my parents, as well as my grandmother, became senile or alzheimery ... not sure which or if it mattered which. None of them displayed personality changes, it was just forgetfulness and then more forgetfulness.

You listed, not wanting to drive in the city, becoming angry with your daughter, not going to OR, possible hearing issues, and not wanting to bring your lap top.

Could it be a combination of things or maybe depression? I am actually comparing myself to your list (even though I'm 30 years younger than when my parents became senile). I think I fit some of your list.

The hearing screening at my doctor's told me I was within range, but I know for a fact that I have some kind of hearing issues going on. I have to turn the audio WAY up and I've noticed that I have a problem discriminating the speech of kids in particular or those who are not enunciating. (Although auditory processing was never a strength.) Conversely, loud noises do bother me, especially my young teen grandkids horseplaying around screaming and such. Just makes me nervous.

Driving in the City. Check. I am fine with traffic if I am familiar and better with unfamiliar during the day. However, San Francisco and LA at night...OMG Glad I don't have anxiety issues. Last time I was coming home from San Francisco and merging highways with extreme traffic in the pitchdark...my teen granddaughter started loudly horseplaying with sister. I yelled, SHUT the F UP!!! I just felt an overload of stress. 30 miles out of the city I was fine.

Somedays, I feel mad. Politics are making me mad mad mad. I was mad about the Kavanaugh thing AND then a couple of weeks ago, the bookkeeping for my businessman SIL accused him of sexual harrassment...a lawyer and stuff. I went around so mad for 3 days. Guess What?! My daughter, his accountants, and a former bookeeper started going through the records and the accuser has been embezzling $$$. They are just through with 9 months and have found 40,000 taken. They expect it to be 100,000 by the time they're finished. She was doing it in a way that she thought she wouldn't get caught. She just got divorced and wanted to move out of state, so we're thinking the lawsuit was going to be hoping for a "settlement" for a move. Anyway police said, that several women have come forward recently with similar false issues. SO Yeah, I'm so mad right now. Just mad for my grandson and mad for my granddaughters. He might get accused and they might get attacked and nobody will believe them. mad mad mad.

What else? Aging in general. I just feel like I don't have time for the stuff that I used to. Stuff like other people's drama. And certainly for stressful situations. I just don't want any stress.

So, I don't know what is going on with your husband. Could it be some other issues?
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Old 10-20-2018, 04:37 PM
 
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I'm so very sorry about your DH, Hideeho. My M in L had Alzheimer's and she was quite different. She had amazing coping skills, always knew us right up to the end, but couldn't always conjure everyone's names. But she was not angry or aggressive, just confused and anxious. I wish I had some wise words that would help you, but please know I'm sending you some hugs for YOU and prayers for your whole family. This is a challenging time, I know. A heart-breaking one. But you are not alone. You do have us as a safe place to come and rage against the injustice any time you need to.
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Old 10-20-2018, 05:09 PM
 
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Anansi is right.....If it is dementia, that is a heart-breaker. How old is your DH? Might his hearing be going? I know sometimes men get very frustrated at hearing loss and take it out on the rest of the family. You will have to be very diplomatic and catch him at a good time and try to get him to a good doctor. In the meantime, take care of yourself dear and I hope your recent surgery heals quickly and that you know we're all thinking of you. You are definitely in our thoughts and prayers.
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Thoughts...
Old 10-20-2018, 05:16 PM
 
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I am so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with these issues.

I completely agree that it is time to make a doctor's appointment. I would begin by calling your husband's doctor and discussing it with him. I would hope this doctor could give you guidance on next steps. I agree that a gerontologist is your best bet.

I know when my dad was going through something similar, he did a great job of hiding what was going on. He lived alone, so when he was with us he would be very quiet, and hardly participate in the conversation. Looking back, I believe he could not keep up with the changes in topics and instead, acted like he was paying attention.

I applaud the prayer and doer in you. These will definitely see you through the days to come.
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I'll try to answer some questions
Old 10-20-2018, 05:57 PM
 
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That might help some of you with ideas, etc. to share.

I really shouldn't have thrown out the Alzheimer word so carelessly. I have no clue if that's what we're dealing with or as someone mentioned, perhaps there is a combination of things going on.

Hearing is a problem. He worked in a steel manufacturing factory for 28 years, and all the guys he worked with have hearing problems. I know this a strong factor in misunderstandings. He ended his working career as a prison guard.

I have started going to all of DH's Dr appointments because he couldn't always remember what the Dr said he was supposed to do. I have seen her before to discuss some concerns I had re DH...oh my goodness. I just remembered that. It was so long ago. At that time, she did urge me to make an appointment with her for both DH and me. She really couldn't do anything otherwise.

I did Google gerentologists in my area and found one not too far away at a Veterans Hospital. I believe DH's Dr will do what she can to be helpful and lead us in the right direction.

I had briefly thought about asking DD to go with us, but DH may feel "ganged up on" and I don't want that.

C6g, it is that time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder camps in our home with me. I'll read the article. I have purchased a light for our DD who also deals with this. Perhaps I need to at least try one for us, too.


jjwires, he is belligerent among other things. When I was answering pre-op questions, the very last one asked me if I was being abused in my home, and it gave me pause. Sometimes when I can't answer DH's questions exactly the way he needs to hear, I want to cry because I'm never right. Then after a while, I step back and realize how HE must feel. So, it's not exactly abuse the way we often think of it, but it isn't easy.

TheTrunch, absolutely whatever is going on could be a combination of things. His hearing can be a big part of what's causing problems. Not wanting to drive in the city is new plus we are not near the level of LA traffic.
He is in an ongoing state of upset about the kids and grandkids. He feels the kids neglect us. He hasn't spoken to one gson (age 15) in many months and not spoken to a gdaughter (age 13) in a few less months than that. We have discussed this ad nauseum as well as our feelings about politics. He thinks everything in the world is "fixed", but still seems on the outskirts of politics. I'm going to bet that you do have things that you find pleasure in. For the most part, DH doesn't. He loves the youngest gkids and gets along with them the best, which makes sense.

rusty - DH is older than I am; he will be 72 in January. He was the youngest of the kids in his family, and he has spoken about how it troubles him that his siblings are gone as well as his parents. He misses them.

My knee surgery just had to happen. Right now, I feel like I need to heal as quickly as possible so I can make and keep appointments about this.


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I can relate
Old 10-20-2018, 08:20 PM
 
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I love my older grandkids...12/15/18, but I don't really enjoy them. The younger ones though, the under 8 crowd are all joy and I love spending time with them.

Retiring from being a prison guard. That's rough. That's a rough job and from the limited amount that I know the guys really do develop a negative perspective.

So my neighbor who's 80 lost his son a few years ago. His only son who was devoted to him. Anyway, he was a CHP officer and was struck dead by a lady on meth driving crazy. A year prior, the neighbor had a stroke. And a couple years before, he lost a 13-year-old grandson to a traffic accident. One day he told me, "It just gets worse, you'll see." However, there's more context to this old guy. He had been a long listener to News and was very upset constantly about politics. Add it all together and ... misery.

I've read a few times over the year about depression in the elderly. I think his bad mood might fit into that. Combined with the hearing and misunderstandings, that could make him even more distanced from you.

Yes, I agree with you about leaving DD at home.
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Old 10-21-2018, 12:48 AM
 
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I can relate and am sorry! My DH went through periods of time where several things were causing dementia and outright verbally abusive behavior. His diagnosis is Calcification of the basal ganglia. Closely related to Parkinsonís.
It causes dementia and so the behaviors you listed sound like some dementia but the cause could be maybe determined by the appointment you mentioned.

Right now my dh is stable and his ďnormal ď self and easy to handle. But there were times I couldnít take him out in public and he would be terribly mean to our two DDís.
So I live in fear of those days coming back.

It is SO hard not to take it personally. But itís a disease of some sort and not HIM. Even if you donít get an Alzheimerís diagnosis, see if you can find a support group when you can. Youíve got to know itís ok to be powerless over this thing. That takes time.
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:53 AM
 
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A couple of thoughts:

*Could he have had a stroke? A relative turned downright mean after a stroke.

*DHís dementia didnít come and go as you describe. He never would have been able to navigate a hospital. Although he had a few more lucid moments toward the end, he never became capable.

*I think you really need to have a doctor evaluate him. 2 doctors were able to evaluate DHís dementia through questioning.
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Old 10-22-2018, 07:52 PM
 
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I am so sorry. You have to be so very worried, frustrated and saddened. We went through this with my paternal grandmother and both of my parents.

I agree with a medical and psychological evaluation. There are many things that can cause this type of behavior besides Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia. Many are treatable, like medication side effects, low B12, other nutritional deficiencies, hormonal issues, brain tumors, thyroid problems, clinical depression and more. They are more common than we might think. In addition to that, there are medications that can slow down the progression of some forms of dementia. I hope you can get him to go to the doctor. That should be the first course of action in my opinion.

You both have my prayers, along with the other members of your family.

Nancy
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Old 10-28-2018, 03:02 PM
 
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The answers to your dilemma and experiences shared by the posters here have helped me greatly.

My husband is 74 and experiencing similar behaviors.

He and I share the same healthcare Adult Nurse

I was able to speak with her frankly about my concerns regarding my husbandís increasing angry outbursts, increasing forgetfulness of conversations we have, forgetting to set the parking brake on his truck which rolled out of our driveway into a neighbors fence, leaving the stove on after cooking, and his increasing critical comments towards me.

It breaks my heart when he rages and yells and now that I am home full time I notice more and more things. Turns out he is not suppose to drink alcohol at all on the RX medicines he is on. And he drinks daily. Sigh.

I asked her to do a screening of his mental state when he goes in to see her at his next appointment. She reassured me she would not tell him my concerns and will stress the non use of alcohol.

It was wonderfully to be able to speak with her about my concerns and she gave me a good ole stern talking to about taking care of myself physically, spiritually and financially.

Yes, it is frightening for me to see my beloved husbandís declining and my hope is to be able to be totally supportive of him. It is so odd feeling to be dealing with the emotions of it all.

May you find the answers you need to in order to get yourself and your husband the strategies to navigate this season of your life.
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Old 10-30-2018, 03:41 PM
 
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We have a friend who we were so worried about because he seemed to be going downhill fast, and his wife said the same thing you said about him being angry and forgetful. He has a business, but he was rarely there during this period (which is where we were accustomed to seeing him) due to his low energy and just not feeling well.

It turns out, it was all due to needing his medications adjusted! We couldnít believe the change. Heís back to his old jolly self. Amazing. So, if he takes medications and this possibility hasnít been given a look, you might want to ask. Sure made a world of difference in our friendís case. I donít know all the exact details and canít ask. It was a mutual friend who told us what ended up solving the issue.
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Been thinking of you.
Old 10-31-2018, 02:08 PM
 
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Heideeho, I have read this thread over many times in the past week. I feel bad for you and your daughter, but your post has helped me face reality. My DH has been forgetful and guilty of losing things for several years. But now it’s worse. He lost his RX sunglasses and had no idea where. We replaced them for over $500. Two weeks later he lost his regular glasses. He looked for them for days. We never found them. He asks me questions that he’s already asked and I’ve answered. He repeats incidents that he’s already told me. He can’t remember events that we are supposed to attend. He’s always asking me “what day is it? Friday?” NO it’s Wednesday. He put the Halloweeen candy in a big Rubbermaid box in the closet so the dogs wouldn’t get it. Then the next day he asked me where I put the Halloween candy. I lost my patience and said, “If you can’t remember, you are really senile. I’m not going to tell you, because YOU put it somewhere and You are going to have to remember where.” Big problem: I am feeling scared and angry and I am not as patient as I need to be. Following your lead I went with him for his annual physical. His dr retired so it was a new dr. He has perfect bloodwork, perfect blood pressure, so his old dr barely examined him. I told him I wanted to go to discuss my concerns with the new dr. Long story short we loved the new dr. I expressed my concerns, giving examples and just wanting this area checked out. This dr set up an appointment with the specialist who gives the full range of cognitive tests. Testing scheduled for next month, so there are plenty of seniors being tested evidently. DH was cooperative, as I know he’s worried, too. So far he hasn’t shown any anger or abuse toward me.... plenty toward politicians and people running his civic organization. I’m the one with the anger.... watching his wonderful mind get foggy. And yes he has hearing problems too. He has hearing aids which he only wears occasionally. Anyway, thank you for your post and for getting me pointed in the right direction.
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