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How do I do this?
Old 10-04-2019, 03:47 PM
  #1

The anniversary of Joseís death is coming up in a couple of weeks. I feel as if I should plan some kind of ...something... to commemorate the date. Something with ds and dd, for sure. But what? I just want to spend a little time remembering him somehow, but I donít want to turn it into a big production or have it turn into a sad occasion. So...what do we do?

I guess we could go out to the cemetery...Thatís about a 10 minute visit or expedition, maybe. We could all have lunch together. Ds tells me he is thinking of taking the day off work; dd is home with the baby. Their spouses will be working during the day.

Anybody have any ideas/thoughts/experiences with this situation? (When my parents passed, my siblings all lived so far apart that we could not really get together for anniversaries, and so we just called each other around that time). I know it will be an emotional time for my kids, and thatís hard for me...even harder than my own emotions. What do people do for anniversaries of a loved oneís death?


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Old 10-04-2019, 03:57 PM
  #2

We are approaching the anniversary of my mom passing away. We order Chinese food and have dinner together and remember her. We also plan to go to church in the morning.
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Old 10-04-2019, 03:58 PM
  #3

Itís been almost 2 years for me. Last October 5, the anniversary of DHís passing, was a very personal day for me. I walked by the beach and thought of him and our lives together. I gave $10 each to a few homeless people in gratitude because I knew DH was in a better place than he had been. I bought a little yellow toy VW bug to commemorate our first car. I talked to him and knew how happy heíd be for the life I have now.
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Old 10-04-2019, 04:11 PM
  #4

My sister's family all gather at the cemetery where her FIL is buried, then go out for breakfast.

Is there a particular hobby, event or organization your Jose was active in or was otherwise if great importance? Maybe you could do some sort of related event or something charitable to raise money in his name.
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Old 10-04-2019, 04:23 PM
  #5

On the anniversary of my husband’s death I baked his favorite cake, made his favorite meal, went to the cemetery, spent time with family, and actually wrote him a letter. For several years after his death I would write him a yearly letter on the anniversary date. By year 6 I stopped. But I have gone back and reread them several times. It was healing for me to see how I was navigating through the grief process.


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Old 10-04-2019, 04:24 PM
  #6

The anniversary of my Dad's death was in August. They had an anniversary Mass at the church so we went there and we also went to the cemetery. We also watched the Orioles game and grilled because he liked to do those things.
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Old 10-04-2019, 04:39 PM
  #7

For my brother we had dinner and remembered him.
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Old 10-04-2019, 05:21 PM
  #8

All wonderful ideas! Does your church provide opportunities to pay for altar flowers, an eternal candle in honor or in memory of someone? If so, that also might be a nice way to honor his memory.

Prayers abide for you during this difficult time.

Nancy
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Old 10-04-2019, 06:05 PM
  #9

Lisa, there's no easy way around a painful anniversary but you've been given some good ideas. I, too, wrote a letter to my DH every year for a few years after he passed. I wrote down all the things I accomplished on my own and it somehow helped. It's been well over 25 years, but truthfully, the anniversary is always a hard day for me and my children.

How about bringing a nice take-out lunch over to your DD's house and visiting with her and the baby and maybe see your son for dinner? I hope you have good sweet memories that will make the day go quickly. I'm sure he would not want you to be sad, so try, try, try to make it a day to honor his memory and maybe even have a few laughs.
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Old 10-04-2019, 06:34 PM
  #10

This summer marked the one year anniversary of the passing of DHís good friend. His wife invited friends to bring a chair and a drink and meet at their house. There was supposed to be a bonfire but the weather didnít cooperate so we all gathered in the backyard. We went around and everyone shared a memory or story about our mutual friend. We laughed, we cried, and ended the evening with a toast. It was all very low-key but perfect. Exactly the type of gathering our friend would have enjoyed.


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Old 10-04-2019, 08:01 PM
  #11

For the first anniversary my grown children, spouses, and grandchildren spent the day together. We all went to the cemetery and laid flowers on his grave. Then we all went to a restaurant he enjoyed. It was good to have the support of everyone. That was on Sunday. Monday I was home alone, looked at photos, just remembering times together. But the gardener decided it was a good day to do the work I had talked about, so I answered the door with red eyes and a wad of tissues in my hand! This year was a little easier. We all got together and it was less solemn, more a celebration of his life.

I would think of activities your loved one enjoyed or look at photos together, go to a place he liked, etc. It's just nice to be together for strength and support.
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Old 10-05-2019, 05:36 AM
  #12

Every year on my DH's bday I write a letter to him and attach it to a Chinese fire lantern. I then release the lantern to the sky and think about him getting the letter.
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donate in his memory
Old 10-05-2019, 10:14 AM
  #13

There's a soup kitchen near where I work and you can memorialize someone by paying for the food that is served for that day's guests. They announce at the beginning of the meal that today's dinner (or lunch) has been donated in memory of Jose______________. You and your family could volunteer to help serve the food that day. You could also ask friends and family members to donate to a cause that was important to him on his anniversary.
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Different approach
Old 10-05-2019, 11:03 AM
  #14

What a coincidence, my sister was just recently in town, and we discussed this very thing.
But our family members/relatives have always approached things differently with our deceased relatives.

We never gather on the anniversary of their death. We do flowers on the grave throughout the year.

We commemorate their lives, not on the day they passed, but on the date they were born. We feel that this date is the time for us to celebrate their coming into the world, their lives, and all their accomplishments, how much we loved them etc. We never discuss their illness or passing at these gatherings.

It's just like when they were alive, we had birthday gatherings and time with our loved ones to let them know how much we care, so it's like we continue to do so! (Like- Saturday would have been Grandpa's birthday. Let's still gather the family to celebrate his life/time on Earth.)

For us, it's more of a upbeat thing, if we do it this way!

It's interesting to read about how other families have different customs!
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