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Ex-husband died
Old 05-21-2011, 10:01 AM
 
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Can't tell anyone near me yet, so telling my PT friends!

I left my abusive husband when my sons were 2 and 4 (16 years ago)! The shmoe never even bothered to pick up a phone to talk to his sons or to send them a birthday card, Christmas card, or support. He managed to live under the radar working under the table when he wasn't under the table from alcohol.

So my mom called since my ex-MIL called her about my ex going to to the doctor this week, being diagnosed with cancer (don't know what kind yet), and passing away Wed night. He hated doctors so it doesn't surprise me that he didn't seek medical care until it was really bad.

We live two states away, and I'm not telling my boys right away since one son is entering his Senior Week activities at HS and neither son has had a relationship with their father. My youngest (the senior) has no memory of him at all. I'm going to wait until a few days after his graduation, then we'll go down to visit my exMIL for the first time in years. I was afraid of my husband so haven't visited in awhile, although MIL used to come visit when she could still drive.

I guess I'm just laying it out there and needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading!


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((hugs))
Old 05-21-2011, 10:35 AM
 
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I think you are doing the right thing by waiting.
((((hugs))) as you sail this uncharted territory.
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Old 05-21-2011, 10:43 AM
 
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Wow....

I think you are making the right decision not to tell your boys yet. Let your lil guy enjoy his senior week without marring it. My oldest sis had a similar father, and my dad adopted her. Her bio father was an alcoholic and died of liver cancer.She went to his funeral and everyone was shocked to see her, and most never even knew he had a daughter at all. It upset her worse to know she meant so little.
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you're a good mom
Old 05-21-2011, 10:57 AM
 
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I'm glad you are putting your son's needs first (as it sounds like you've done all their lives.) The good thing is that maybe they can get to know their grandmother, if she is a good woman. (((hugs)))
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Old 05-21-2011, 11:52 AM
 
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Sounds like a lot to process, and it sounds like you are doing (have done) a great job with your sons! (((hugs))) We are here for you.


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Old 05-21-2011, 01:35 PM
 
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A very good friend of mine had this same thing happen just a few months ago. Her college-age son wasn't sure how to feel, since he'd never had a relationship with his dad, and thinks of his stepdad as his father. It turned out to be easier on both her and her ds than she thought it would be.

I agree with a pp that you're doing the right thing by waiting. I hope it all goes well for you. (((hugs)))
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Old 05-21-2011, 01:53 PM
 
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I think waiting is a good idea, too. Don't let this overshadow any special times, since he had no relationship with them, anyway. Will you speak with your exMIL, let her know you are holding off on telling the boys? After they process how they feel about it, you can always ask them if they'd like to memorialize him in some way.
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Old 05-21-2011, 02:22 PM
 
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I am sorry for the loss. Wow. Well probably from the alcohol his health seriously declined. It's so tricky and it must be hard to hold the news from your boys. I would say let them enjoy the fun times right now and then share later. Hugs and prayers.
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Old 05-21-2011, 02:47 PM
 
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If you boys know how horrible the man was to you, they will have no problems with passing. My mother has an very abusive ex-husband, and I have not seen him in years, nor do I care too. If he drops dead tomorrow, I will not go to his funeral. He was truly lazy and had no work ethic, so I don't care about him. That being said, his parents did see us twice a year and did see me and my siblings, so I went to their funerals!
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:55 PM
 
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It sounds like you are making the right decision by not telling your boys yet. (((HUGS))) and prayers as I am sure even though he was abusive and you made the right decision in leaving, this is still a bit stressful and difficult.

Nancy


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dee....
Old 05-22-2011, 08:57 AM
 
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Dee,

Rarely, do I get chills reading a story on here. I did with yours. You are an amazing woman, and may you continue to be blessed for your warm, caring, loving ways. I'm sure your sons will understand if they had any idea what you went through,(not that I would be sure I would want them to know) and I'm glad that there is some type of positive closure that can come from this, in them getting to meet their grandmother.

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Thank you all for your support
Old 05-22-2011, 02:39 PM
 
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I am fine with my ex's passing, I just was unsure about withholding the info until 2-3 weeks from now. But I feel better about my decision! You have all posted very kind words and encouragement.
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