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Called in hospice
Old 08-18-2019, 08:02 AM
  #1

3 or so years ago Alzheimerís stole me from my grandma.

Now my family called in hospice as of yesterday.

I know I need to drive the hour to her home and make my peace with things, but I donít know how to do this.

She was never really a nice person, but she is my grandma and I love her.


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Old 08-18-2019, 08:09 AM
  #2

I'm very sorry. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease. I hope you will make peace with things and forgive her. If not for her sake, then for your peace of mind that you extended a final kindness to her in the end and have no regrets.
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Prayers for peace
Old 08-18-2019, 09:17 AM
  #3

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree 100% with what zipline said.
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Old 08-18-2019, 09:50 AM
  #4

That's a tough one. I'm sorry to hear it. You are wise to go see her. If it helps, I know people who have family members that were diagnosed with Alzheimer's who say that, in retrospect, it's clear that their loved ones behavior changes began long before there were any other symptoms. When you say that she was never really a nice person, keep in mind that her disease may have begun affecting her as much as 20 years ago.
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Old 08-18-2019, 10:43 AM
  #5

I'm sorry. It's hard when you have some conflicted feelings as well. I would go and just be with her and others who are there with her. I wouldn't want to regret not going. I have enough to regret in my life.


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Old 08-18-2019, 10:49 AM
  #6

I concur with Grace. You don't want any regrets. My mother passed from this terrible disease. I pray we can find a cause and a cure soon.
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Old 08-18-2019, 11:19 AM
  #7

I am very sorry. Alzheimerís is such a terrible disease.
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Old 08-18-2019, 12:52 PM
  #8

There are so many deaths when you go through Alzheimer's or other dementia diseases. Although he is still living, I lost my dad 15 years ago due to extreme personality changes. There have been many "deaths" over the years and each time I think I can mourn no more. There's a reason they call it the long goodbye. With hospice, you're nearing end of the goodbyes. I wish your grandma and your entire family peace as you go through this process.

I actually sat down and wrote a eulogy for my Dad about 6 months ago because I'd been thinking about it for so long. Who knows if I'll actually "give" a eulogy, but it was a very helpful exercise for me - sitting down and putting some words to sum up first dad's life "before" and then in the journey of dementia. You don't have to be able to say goodbye, you've already been doing it for many years. When you visit, don't let yourself feel some sort of pressure for closure, you're already in that process - and that's what it is, a process. (I want to acknowledge here that clearly Zephie is planning on engaging in this process, it's not about whether she should - she IS.)
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Go see her
Old 08-18-2019, 12:53 PM
  #9

I agree with PPs. You will probably not regret going, you may regret it later if you do not go. It is truly a terrible disease.
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Find peace
Old 08-18-2019, 03:19 PM
  #10

The end is not easy. Contact the hospice team. They can give you some hints on how to deal with this. They are a wonderful resource for this process. You may want to ask a friend to drive you so you can get lost in your thoughts. You can do this.

I must say I didnít see my father in his last weeks. I had said goodbye to him long before that. My father didnít gain anything by my presence or lose anything with my absence. He didnít recognize me or know me. It is okay to spend most of your time with those who will be left behind and need your support. You can also make your visit with Grandma short.

Take care of yourself. Grieving can be a slow process.


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Old 08-18-2019, 04:31 PM
  #11

Honestly I havenít seen her in almost two year by choice. Maybe it was a selfish choice but I was my choice made as what I thought best for me.

Today I was driving home from church and realized some really hard things. Things like I have always felt rejected by her and how much of a relief it was that I just didnít exist to her as an adult any more. As much as I love her, Iíve never felt close to her. Iíve never actually spent an hour alone with her in my life.

After almost forty years of that - it really is like saying goodbye to a stranger. I really donít know much about her. Only that she loved genealogy and her favorite color is brown and that her botched surgery in the 70s is still taught about in medical schools today (Iíve heard accounts of it being taught in nursing and doctor programs multiple times - itís used as a case study in vascular anatomy and how to avoid a malpractice case.)

I also know that she was proud of me being the first person in my family to go to a four year college and finish. She knew I loved Gone with the Wind just like my dad, her son, and how I. Always had a sweet tooth for Cadbury eggs just like her.

I donít have the most emotionally healthy family, so these emotions are huge and confusing and messy.

I know ultimately I will muddle through this and be ok. I just have to have the emotions right now.
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Old 08-18-2019, 04:45 PM
  #12

I am so sorry. Not sure if that could be it or not, but very often for several years before memory loss and other symptoms take hold their personalities change and they can become mean. That happened to my mom. I do agree with Zipline about forgiveness and a visit. I think it would be beneficial to you in the long run.

Nancy
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Old 08-18-2019, 05:00 PM
  #13

I'm so sorry. My grandmother also has Alzheimers, and started hospice (at her family care home) a year ago. My relationship with her was different than yours, but I think it's not easy no matter what's happening. I'm lucky that she's about 40 minutes from me so I visit every week. Sometimes she remembers I'm someone who loves her/she loves, sometimes not. It's hard. I think it's hard no matter what.

But, for what it's worth - at the end of the day visiting is probably for me, not especially for her. (She doesn't remember that I've visited the minute I walk out the door.) I think I need to know I did the right thing by her to be able to live comfortably with myself.

I'm holding you in my prayers for peace, whatever you decide to do.
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Old 08-18-2019, 11:44 PM
  #14

Hugs to you. My mom started signs of dementia when she was 60. The rejection was tough. I probably wonít make complete peace with it but I know that itís just biology and she does love me. Her brain just got in her way.
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6 months
Old 08-19-2019, 05:42 AM
  #15

My Dad has been on Hospice care for 6 months. Most families ask for it too late and get help for a short time.

To me love should not be diluted based on our judgements...you show up also for your loved ones... i think you should do as you wish and not visit based on obligation.

Feel better!
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Old 08-19-2019, 05:56 PM
  #16

The folks who responded above gave you some options.

As an unwanted grandchild I too experienced rejection from a grandma. When ?I was in my teens a high school teacher suggested I read the book My Mother Myself, which gave me insight to my grandmaís generation. I limited my contact with her in my twenties to forties.

I chose to forgive her for past hurts and wrongs and it was a continuous action on my part for many years.

She was a very bitter woman who spoke her truth, even if it was not mine.

I chose to heal from the slurs, putdowns, rejection and hate.

I chose to put up firm boundaries to not allow continuing hurts.

She told me that I was an unwanted pregnancy and should of been aborted. Yep that hurt. She did not welcome or accept my child born with a terminal disease.

Her woundedness from all of her lifeís trauma tainted her ability to be a mother or grandmother. Logically I can honor that.

Choosing to forgive and give her respect was an act of mine releasing her to the Lord God. After that her behavior is something she and God will work out.

I know this is a hard time for you. But you are strong and you will find the right path for you to take.

Her gifts of genealogy information and her love of the color brown are threads to grasp onto. When she passes, think about wearing brown to her service.

May you find strength and peace as you work on how ďto beĒ in the coming months.
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