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I'm afraid this is a silly question about dating
Old 02-12-2020, 05:45 PM
  #1

Have I failed if I'm single and in my thirties?


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Old 02-12-2020, 05:57 PM
  #2

I'm 31 and single...I'd to love to have a family of my own some day and some days it bothers me that I don't at this point. But, I realize I need to trust God and not dwell on it. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Easier said than done some times, though.
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Old 02-12-2020, 05:59 PM
  #3

Iím single and in my 40ís and Iím actually really happy. I can watch what I want, spend what I want, keep my house as messy as I want (yes, Iím a slob ), when I decided to adopt a dog, I just decided to do it and didnít have to ask anyone, and I can have whatever I want for dinner. I donít have to worry about anyone else.

I actually really like being single. I donít consider it a failure. I truly value my independence. At this point, Iím almost positive I couldnít do marriage.
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Iím single too
Old 02-12-2020, 06:18 PM
  #4

You are not a failure at all!
Iím also 31 and single. I agree with Teacherbee 100%!
I feel like I could have written her post!
Also, I agree with Greyhound Girl. It can be really nice to make my own choices without consulting someone else.
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Old 02-12-2020, 06:22 PM
  #5

I'm 36 and single. I've become more comfortable with it as I get older. I still want to be married and have a family (most days), but I am trusting God that he knows what is best.

I've also really come to appreciate my singleness. Sure, it sometimes gets lonely, but being married can be very challenging, as well, even with the right person. It helps me to remind myself of this. It probably also helps that I'm an introvert and enjoy alone time.


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Old 02-12-2020, 06:23 PM
  #6

I am single in my 30s as well. Most of the time I feel like GG does. I greatly value my independence. However, I do sometimes wonder if I'll continue to feel the same way as I get older. At my age (32) I still have a decent number of friends who are also single and available for social things (rather than being totally wrapped up in a spouse/kids). I enjoy my time to myself, but I need to get out and be social at least 1-2x per week.

I also get the value of having a partner/someone to lean on and do occasionally wish I had that. For example, I don't know what I'd do if I were to have some sort of medical crisis. I have no family in the area and I'm an only child as well with the only relatives I'm close to at all being my parents. Obviously they're not going to be around forever and it does scare me to reach a point where I have no family left. Not that that alone is a good reason to get married, but it is something I think about. At this point in my life I guess I'm not ready to give up the perks of my independence. I also currently feel that I'm a lot happier/more content than my girlfriends who are spending a lot of time on dating apps and dealing with the whole dating scene.

ETA: Sometimes I also wonder if it's easier to be single in other fields. Maybe this is just a misguided perception from TV but I feel like in other careers it's more common to have women that are "focusing on their career" and not wanting to do the whole marriage/kids thing where that seems to be extremely uncommon in teaching. I guess there are several of us here, but I've been teaching for 10 years and worked in 3 different buildings, and I'm often the only single person in the entire building. For quite the stretch I was one of like 3 teachers who didn't have kids (out of a staff of 50+). When other people spend so much time talking about their spouses/kids it just makes me feel like I'm "weird" sometimes.
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Old 02-12-2020, 06:48 PM
  #7

I too am in my 30s (31) and still single. I've been on dates, but never been in a relationship. I also have no one on the horizon. Like others, sometimes I'm ok with it, and other times I struggle. You are not a failure!
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Old 02-12-2020, 07:32 PM
  #8

You are not a failure.

Marriage is not the be all to end all. You can still have a spouse and be alone.

I was married for a couple years in my mid-20's, then divorced. I am 64 now and happy to be single and do what I want. There are times I wish I had someone to share things with [funerals], but for the most part I would not trade my life for any other.
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Old 02-12-2020, 07:47 PM
  #9

Nope.

I married EX at 30. I married DH at 46. I was very happily single the rest of those years.
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Old 02-12-2020, 08:54 PM
  #10

Absolutely not and don't be afraid to be picky either. It's tough out there. I know a LOT of the guys I see when I'm out and about in public aren't worth dating anyway. I'd be happier to be alone rather than be with many of them.


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Not at all
Old 02-12-2020, 09:12 PM
  #11

The trick is to be active and be happy.

Just as children want to choose their own book at a library men like to choose the woman in their life.

Your job is to always look up. Smile from the inside out. Glamour it up. Even men who say they don't like makeup are still attracted to a woman who wears it.

When dating NEVER speak of past relationships. Only briefly mention past people and always say something positive. "We are still friends, but went our separate ways."

Always see someone a .minimum of 3 times. Never discuss your debts or assets or what you make.

Be interested in him. If he doesn't act interested in you that is bad.
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Old 02-12-2020, 09:36 PM
  #12

I like what gg wrote. Two sides to the coin. Two kids husband and dog can be a lot.
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Old 02-12-2020, 10:12 PM
  #13

Quote:
Just as children want to choose their own book at a library men like to choose the woman in their life.
And women like to choose the men (or women) in their life.

(And men like to choose the men in their life)

(I think I really don't get this comment, but I wanted to expand on it anyway).

Violet, you have not failed anything! There is no ultimate goal other than be fulfilled and hopefully fulfill others in the process. (yes, that is my opinion)

You do you. No one else can. Life sometimes leads us in unexpected directions. I'm living a life I never thought I would, but it's the right life for me.

And this is so very true:
Quote:
Marriage is not the be all to end all. You can still have a spouse and be alone.
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I've found my people!
Old 02-13-2020, 07:14 AM
  #14

Granted, I'm only 23, but I've never really been on a date. I've had some casual relationships in college. As in the "come over and watch a movie if you want" but nothing serious.

I'm young, but my family thinks that relationships are the end all be all. My sister married at 24 and has pretty much always been dating, and my parents married right after college too. My mom even mentioned that my dad was asking about me and wanted to know if I was gay (I'm not) or if there was something up with why I haven't been dating.

I told my mom that I'm too selfish right now to date. Sometimes I imagine having a SO to do things with or be affectionate with but then I think about the fact that a lot of the time, I just want to worry about myself. I want to be able to leave on a week long road trip if I want before asking for permission. I want to be able to not respond to text messages if I'm tired, or stay at home and do nothing for a few days without owing someone an explanation.
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Another point of view
Old 02-13-2020, 08:45 AM
  #15

My niece and God-child just got married last April at age 38 and she is happy as can be.

My daughterís very best friend from high just got married last year at age 36 and is extremely happy.

Another high school friend of dd got married at 36 also.

Itís okay not to get married. Also, the timing is in Godís hands. I wish you well whatever happens.
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Old 02-13-2020, 12:01 PM
  #16

In the effort of succinct writing i didn't bother to state the obvious. I have seen people invest a lot into someone who doesn't feel the same.

In my own case i probably wasted much time and energy internet dating only to meet a great guy when i went to a New Years Party alone.

Of course, what we write is in large part an opinion
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Old 02-13-2020, 02:54 PM
  #17

My DS is feeling the same way. Poor guy can't seem to get past date 1-2 with a young woman. No clue why and even after they've seemed to have a nice first meet up. He just feels many don't want to waste their time going out on another date if they didn't click on the first one. I've told him over the years to give someone a second, third chance but they don't. I feel so bad for him because he does want to be in a relationship. I just keep telling him to keep living his life, she's living hers and somewhere they'll meet up.
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Old 02-13-2020, 03:29 PM
  #18

Failed at what? You excelled at knowing to be smart enough to save marriage for if and when you find the right fit.

I married at 29. My best friend married at 34. My sister didn't find her "fit" until 56. Some may never marry. I don't think you have to have a partner to be a success. You'll be heck of a lot happier on your own than in relationships that weren't a good fit.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:30 PM
  #19

Quote:
The trick is to be active and be happy.

Just as children want to choose their own book at a library men like to choose the woman in their life.

Your job is to always look up. Smile from the inside out. Glamour it up. Even men who say they don't like makeup are still attracted to a woman who wears it.

When dating NEVER speak of past relationships. Only briefly mention past people and always say something positive. "We are still friends, but went our separate ways."

Always see someone a .minimum of 3 times. Never discuss your debts or assets or what you make.

Be interested in him. If he doesn't act interested in you that is bad.
🤔🤔🤔 This seems like advice from a 1950s women's magazine.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:37 PM
  #20

Quote:
In the effort of succinct writing i didn't bother to state the obvious. I have seen people invest a lot into someone who doesn't feel the same.
I really don't get "the obvious," I guess? Because it looks like you're basically advocating that she sit on a shelf like a library book and wait to be chosen? That's a great way for two people not to feel the same.

It just felt so sexist (and Annie's observation that it was like something from a '50s magazine felt pretty accurate). I was just making the point that everyone gets to do the choosing.
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Old 02-14-2020, 06:51 AM
  #21

Violets2, I agree with you regarding giving at the very least a 2nd chance in dating. Unless the person is downright no good, crass, horrible, showing red flags, that's one thing. But even if there is not quite fireworks, but the person is an otherwise nice person, good head on their shoulders, respectable, etc., then why not go on a 2nd or even 3rd date just to know for sure.

I know I'd take a kind of boring nerd who's smart and sweet with an acceptable job OVER some pretty boy who all the ladies seem to like, who's the life of the party ANY DAY!! Don't get me wrong Violets2, I'm not saying your son is any boring nerd whatsoever. I'm just saying who I'd take over what seems to be popular out there in society.
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Old 02-14-2020, 02:37 PM
  #22

No offense taken MAsped. My son is the kind you positively described: nice, a definite church goer, decent job though not one considered "professional", athletic, outgoing. That's why I don't understand why some of these young ladies don't want to go even out for coffee a second time.

Oh well, she's out there somewhere but I surely don't think he's failed but I think he kinda does
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Hmmm
Old 02-14-2020, 04:20 PM
  #23

If you knew me you would be laughing.

Things in the 50s weren't all wrong.

When i said obvious i meant not just men, that people want to choose. My library book reference was literal. Have you ever tried to recommend a book to a kid? They want to choose their own. Kind of why set ups don't work sometimes.

Sexist? Hardly. Pointing that out in my mind makes you the sexist. When we point out lines of separation you are creating more separateness. This group vs. That group. Etc.

I don't appreciate attempts to criticize a simple response. Nor do i appreciate being laughed at.

Please make any further comments about my ideas privately.
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Old 02-15-2020, 03:06 PM
  #24

I met my husband when I was 35 and married for the first time at 38. Almost 14 years later I am still married where it is possible that I could have married at 28 and been divorced by now.

I realize that some marriages where the couple is young do last, however, I believe that in this day and age, waiting gives you a better chance of finding the right person and having a more successful marriage.
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Failed
Old 02-15-2020, 04:51 PM
  #25

You have not failed. This isnít something g you HAVE to do to find success at life. Love finds us when it finds us. It is not something to be searching for.

Your identity is not wrapped up in ďI am in a relationship.Ē

You donít have to be in a relationship to be successful.
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