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There may be a divorce coming...
Old 03-30-2020, 01:36 PM
  #1

DS is coming home from college Wednesday (he's a senior and finishing up online!). Please give me your thoughts on if DH is being unreasonable. First off, he is a police officer. He works his normal hours and is very careful about handwashing, sanitizing, etc. I'm happy about that.

DS's best friend still lives in our small town (no cases yet) and works outside away from others all day. The mom and sister are staying home as well. The dad of the family works in pesticide so he's outdoors all day. DH thinks our son should not go out of the house AT ALL (except in our backyard). I don't have a problem with him going to his friend's house a few hours a day to hang out or having the friend over. It's not like they are going out to bars with large crowds! He basically wants our kid to be a shut in for the next month.

I went to the grocery store in our neighboring large town the other day and he didn't have a problem with it. HIS 80 year old mother goes all over town several times a week because she's bored. We DON'T have any contact with her while she's doing this.

I am being very cautious and know the seriousness of this disease. I am not going anywhere unless necessary. I just don't think it's fair to expect a 23 year old guy to sit in our house 24/7 and not go to his friend's house 1/4 mile away for a few hours. I will have him help me around the house and yard as much as possible but come on! What do you think?


Oh yes, DH actually thought DS should stay in his college town (small town, 1 case of COVID) by himself until April 30 and not even come home until then! His two roommates already moved home and he would be sitting there alone for a month. No way!

We got into a big old fight today about all of this and I told him I am NOT living like this for the next month with him being unreasonable. This has the potential to get ugly and I'm not happy right now.

Thoughts please!!!


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What about a compromise
Old 03-30-2020, 01:48 PM
  #2

Son and friend sit in his/your backyard six feet away from each other and hang out?
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Old 03-30-2020, 01:52 PM
  #3

Social distancing does not mean having your friend over or going to their house. It means that you sit at home with your parents and FaceTime or zoom with your friends. It means no contact with people you don't live with.

Your DH is right, sorry. Going to the grocery store is a necessity; hanging out with a friend is really not. It sucks for all of us right now, but your son should be old enough to understand and accept that it is not forever.
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Old 03-30-2020, 01:53 PM
  #4

I don't know where you live, but I'd be on your h's team. Social distancing doesn't include going to someone's house to visit.

We're all making sacrifices. You don't think it's fair for your son to stay home? Does your state have a stay at home order in place? If so, who do you think it is for?
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What if
Old 03-30-2020, 01:54 PM
  #5

the young men get together and visit in the yard somewhere using lawn chairs and sitting six feet apart? I know that is not what they want to do but at least they can talk at no risk that way.

Your son can also take a drive when he gets bored or take a walk. Those two activities should help him from getting antsy.

I know it will be difficult to stay home but staying at home away from others is really the gig for now unless you need to go get groceries or need to go to the doctor.


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Old 03-30-2020, 01:55 PM
  #6

I wouldn't want him to go. My son is at home too and is not going to see his friends in person. He plays video games online and talks to them that way. I don't think he's being unreasonable. PrivateEyes did have a good compromise.
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Old 03-30-2020, 02:02 PM
  #7

I agree with your DH. No, it is not "fair" but nothing about the coronavirus is fair. We need to practice strict social distancing now so that we might be able to see each other in June.
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Old 03-30-2020, 02:02 PM
  #8

Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzy
Social distancing does not mean having your friend over or going to their house. It means that you sit at home with your parents and FaceTime or zoom with your friends. It means no contact with people you don't live with.
I agree with Izzy and your DH.
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Are you under a shelter in place order
Old 03-30-2020, 02:02 PM
  #9

That would not be allowed under our shelter in place order. Is your county/state under one?
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Stay home
Old 03-30-2020, 02:06 PM
  #10

The best way to stop the spread is to stay home. Sorry, I wish that were not true. I definitely agree with your husband. Too many exceptions will mean more illness and more death.


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Well...
Old 03-30-2020, 02:06 PM
  #11

we told our daughter not to come home. Her job ended due to COVID and she doesn't have anything lined up until mid May. We said, in the most loving way possible, that we did not want her coming home until she had strictly self-isolated for two weeks. While she is not as concerned about the virus, she understands that we are. If and when our DD comes home, she will be social distancing using our criteria, not hers. Right now, our state guidelines are no social gatherings of any size.

I did go grocery shopping last week. Next time I go, I will wear a mask and gloves. There is only so much you can do about groceries.

I don't think it is fair that my MIL is on "room arrest" at her assisted living home and that my parents with Alzheimer's cannot have visitors at theirs. They don't understand why their family has abandoned them. It is not fair that my nephew and niece will not have graduation ceremonies. There is a lot that is not fair about this disease.

Sorry. I don't think your DH is being unreasonable. 2 weeks ago there were 0 cases in our area. Now there are over 300 and there are deaths every day.
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Are you under a shelter in place order
Old 03-30-2020, 02:11 PM
  #12

double post!
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I hate to
Old 03-30-2020, 02:21 PM
  #13

Agree with anyoneís DH but
I do. Donít tell him I agree with him just say that you thought it over carefully.
As others have said, let his friend come over and sit outside 6 ft apart.
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Old 03-30-2020, 02:28 PM
  #14

That made me laugh. We don't often want to agree with the men.
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Old 03-30-2020, 02:42 PM
  #15

Haha!! LaFish!

I also agree with your DH. We all just need to stay home unless leaving the house is absolutely necessary. Yes it stinks but it's what needs to happen. All of the states here are moving to shelter in place orders ( may be called different things) due to people not staying at home. I have not gone anywhere but the grocery store or to get a no contact food pickup for the past two weeks. I do take my kids on a walk in the neighborhood, but we stay far away from other people.

I'd love to walk with my closest friend or have a drink with her right now, but it's not the right thing to do.
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You don't have
Old 03-30-2020, 02:49 PM
  #16

many cases of COVID-19. YET.

If kids hang out like you would give permission for, then expect it to spread through your community too.

Hanging out is not flattening the curve. Yes, it sucks. But that's how we get over this.

Sorry, but my state is locked down and even if it isn't around in yours much, it's coming.
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Old 03-30-2020, 02:54 PM
  #17

I agree with your DH. Your DS needs to stay home. It may not be where you are now but itís coming. He will have to live the virtual life and contact his friends online, text, phone, etc.
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Old 03-30-2020, 02:55 PM
  #18

Your DH is right. Sitting home except for essential business is literally what we're all being asked to do.

I just read a heartbreaking story about a church choir in my area that met all the way back on 3/6. 45 of the 60 who attended got sick, 2 have died. There were no known cases in their county prior to their meeting. This was prior to shutdowns. No one at the meeting was visibly sick or felt ill. Thinking about this devastates me. It could be any of us. Don't be a statistic.

Young people are good at social media. He'll be fine. He is being asked to perform the same community service we all are - stay home!
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:04 PM
  #19

Quote:
I am being very cautious and know the seriousness of this disease.
IMO, you are not being very cautious, and you do not know the seriousness of the disease. Listen to the medical field. Listen to the country and your town officials.

Quote:
I just don't think it's fair to expect a 23 year old guy to sit in our house 24/7 and not go to his friend's house 1/4 mile away for a few hours
This whole thing has nothing to do with "being fair."
Your son can facetime his friend, find other things to do, etc for the time that everyone is expected to follow. It's not like they won't be able to communicate.

Your reasoning reminds me of a parent coming in to the school to complain about a school rule- wanting her child excused from the rule in order for her son to "be happy."

Seems like being safe rules over being socially happy during this time.
A lot of us aren't overly happy at this time, but we are doing our part to keep ourselves, our family members , and our community members safe and healthy.

A lot of grandparents aren't even seeing their adult children or grandchildren at this time, let alone their friends. Let's all do our part.


What do I think? I think you are free to disagree with your husband, but he is right in his thinking for the next 30 days.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:09 PM
  #20

I completely agree with your DH. As a senior in college, your son is an adult and certainly old enough to understand the situation and why it is important he tough it out. Fair has nothing to do with it unless we are talking about being fair to our health care workers and first responders who are on the front lines. They are depending on us to flatten the curve and not overwhelm the system. We all would like to resume our normal lives. We have one chance to do it right. Your son included.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:17 PM
  #21

I'm with the group who agrees with you husband. You're right, chances are he wouldn't get it or bring it home to you, but imagine the worst case scenario, which is that he does get it and brings it home to you. One, two or three of you could get very sick and even die. Is it really worth that risk?
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:17 PM
  #22

I agree with your DH. We have neighbors whose daughter is coming home from college. She will be staying alone at another neighbor's guest house for 2 weeks before her parents will allow her in their house. Of course they would rather she come home and be with them, but they are not taking a chance.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:22 PM
  #23

Agreeing with everybody else, and your husband, on this one.

You may not have confirmed cases in your town, but trust me... people still have the virus.


I live alone and haven’t been around anybody, except grocery shopping, in almost 3weeks... does it suck? Without a doubt. Am I going to do anything different? No.

“He basically wants out kid to be a shut in for the next month”
No, he doesn’t— the CDC, WHO, your local government, and all of your family/friends/neighbors want you to be a “shut in” and NEED you to be!
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I see everyoneís points
Old 03-30-2020, 03:27 PM
  #24

Thank you very much. I guess Iím more upset with how my husband was going off on me. He assumed that because DS is 23, heís going to find big groups to party with and be around a bunch of people. He doesnít even party when thereís no Corona!

We have a nice deck out back so the guys can hang out back there when itís nice.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:28 PM
  #25

I’m with your Dh. Stay home. I am in NJ, it’s bad here. If your state or town is not on lockdown, it may be soon. We all have to sacrifice because our actions may get another person sick. This virus is nothing to fool with. I’m hearing way too many stories lately and it’s not good. Dh is a retired police Officer and gets updated by former colleagues. I won’t listen to his stories anymore. If you don’t have many cases yet, you will. This is spreading like wildfire. It’s affecting all ages also. I hate to be pessimistic, but social distancing is best. They can sit in the yard six feet apart. My 21 year old ds is home. He goes for a run and walks the dog. He watches the news and understands is serious it is. When this is all over, they will have plenty of time to hang out.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:34 PM
  #26

I agree with your husband.

This entire situation is not about being fair, it's about being safe.

It is not fair that I am incredibly worried about the availability of healthcare if a loved one should get sick because so many people don't feel like they need to follow the directions of our government and healthcare officials.

Its not fair that my sister who is a nurse isolated herself from he husband and young son by moving into the family camper to avoid unintentionally bringing an illness home from the hospital she works in.

It is not fair that so many high school seniors are going to miss out on prom and graduation parties because people dont think they need to follow the directions of our government and healthcare officials.

It's not fair that people may not be able to attend funerals or even have funerals for people they loved who have passed away for any reason, not just this virus.

It's not fair.....its reality and its scary as he!!.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:42 PM
  #27

Better safe than sorry. Whether there is an order or not,do not expose yourself or your husband to your son or his friend at all. You and dh must be an example of sensible safety practices. Young people can
get sick too,very very sick. Your lax approach would negatively effect your son's approach to the pandemic.
The Science is not confirmed on the idea that Covid 19 droplets can remain in the air for up to three hours. I would not chance it at all until more is known.
https://www.who.int/news-room/commen...ecommendations

Last edited by anna; 03-30-2020 at 03:58 PM..
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:43 PM
  #28

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katluv
We have a nice deck out back so the guys can hang out back there when it’s nice.
This kind of reasoning makes me crazy! How many people have each of them been in contact with? Now they’re both bringing all those people to you. I beg you to read and follow the CDC advice. This isn’t a game, it’s not about making your son happy, it’s about saving lives and flattening the curve to beat this virus.

My DD, who I adore, lives 30 minutes from me yet I haven’t seen her for 21 days. That’s a sacrifice. Please think about what you’re doing. Guests are not okay, at all, ever. Stay home. Go out only for groceries, gas, medical care, and exercise (unless your job is deemed essential). No socializing. Period.
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:48 PM
  #29

I also agree with your dh. I'm currently living in a small apartment with 3 "kids" aged 16-19. They aren't going out to other's houses. Even though you don't have identified cases, that really means nothing at this point. There ARE cases out there in your community- this thing spreads before you even know it's there. And the number of cases will continue to grow. It's really not "fair" to expect any of us to sit in a house 24/7, but that's what needs to happen to help flatten the curve and prevent unnecessary spread and death.

I'm sorry, I'm with your dh (and others on this thread).
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Old 03-30-2020, 03:53 PM
  #30

Consider that your husband doesn't want your son to contaminate the friend if your husband ends up bringing the virus home (opposed to the friend's dad who sprays the outside of houses all day and doesn't interact with people). Seems your husband really doesn't want to spread the virus knowing he is in a higher risk of getting it.
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Old 03-30-2020, 04:01 PM
  #31

Sorry , I agree with your DH as well.

Social distancing is more than just staying 6 ft away from people.

"
Quote:
Examples include avoiding mass gatherings, working from home if possible, closing schools, visiting loved ones electronically instead of in person and canceling or postponing conferences or large meetings
."

COVID - 19 can be transmitted by people who are asymptomatic.

Think of it this way - you could transmit it to the friend because you went to the grocery store.
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Old 03-30-2020, 04:15 PM
  #32

I'm not even sure I'd do the deck TBH. (I"m also very sorry your DH was abrupt in the way he discussed this with you.) I'm at home with my 17 year old DD. While not complaining much, I know she misses her friends. She's not seen anyone in person except for me since March 13th (except for when she takes the dog for a walk and she is very careful to avoid people). She's texted, talked on the phone, communicated within games/social media things. We're both hoping this ends relatively soon. Even though I doubt we have it, both of us are acting like we have the virus and don't want to spread it. If you knew your DS or his friend had coronavirus but were asymptomatic at the moment, would you let them hang out on the deck?
Sending gentle and long distance hugs.
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No
Old 03-30-2020, 04:33 PM
  #33

I am in NY, near NYC and it is horrible. Please please do not allow your DS to go anywhere OR have anyone over. I cannot describe to you what is it like here; there are just NO words. It is bad. Your son can FaceTime or text to maintain social contact, or talk to his family that lives in the house. I am sorry if this has a harsh tone but PLEASE follow the social distancing of process by staying home and saving lives otherwise you will soon see what we are dealing with
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Old 03-30-2020, 04:55 PM
  #34

Nope, no way - not even the deck! Electronic communication is the only safe thing to do.
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Old 03-30-2020, 05:06 PM
  #35

dutchgirl, I like that one. I haven't seen it before!
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Old 03-30-2020, 05:12 PM
  #36

That picture reminds me of the time I was told by a doc that I only had a five per cent chance of having thyroid cancer. Boom...I had thyroid cancer. Never take chances.
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Old 03-30-2020, 05:18 PM
  #37

Let’s think of these people and stay home.

Quote:
As the number of cases of those testing positive for COVID-19 increases, more healthcare workers are needed to treat patients at overwhelmed hospitals.

Not only do doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals have to go out into society to perform their essential work, they’re coming in direct contact with people known to be infected with the novel coronavirus.

As the number of patients increase, so does the risk of healthcare workers contracting the virus or spreading it to their loved ones.

Many frontline workers are taking extra precautions to keep their families safe as they continue to expose themselves to the virus to do their job.

This is what social distancing looks like for healthcare workers with children:
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Old 03-30-2020, 05:23 PM
  #38

As nicely as I can say this...too bad so sad for the 23 year olds of the world. No socializing means no. Not in the backyard, not at someone's house, not anywhere.

Do you realize even when we are free to roam there will be at least 1 more wave of cases??? This is no joke!
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Old 03-30-2020, 05:47 PM
  #39

I’m with your husband, but I guess it really depends on where you live:

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/...ome-order.html

I am shocked that some states still don’t have statewide stay at home mandates.
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If he gets sick
Old 03-30-2020, 06:33 PM
  #40

I read something online today that really hit home. I don't mean this directly at you, this is just how it was worded when it was sent to me.

If you are comfortable letting your children out of the house, then you also need to be comfortable with them going to the hospital without you.If they get sick they will be in a hospital room all alone at a time when they need you the most. Is it worth the risk?

That just really put it into perspective for me.
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Old 03-30-2020, 06:36 PM
  #41

Quote:
He basically wants our kid to be a shut in for the next month.
Well, that's what a stay at home order is. Nobody likes it but smart people are doing it anyway and making their kids do it as well.

In my neck of the woods, police officers are the ones who are tasked with enforcing whatever the local mandate is. If you are under any kind of mandate, I can sort of see why he might not be too pleasant about having his own family bucking him about it.

Quote:
Oh yes, DH actually thought DS should stay in his college town (small town, 1 case of COVID) by himself until April 30 and not even come home until then!
This seems reasonable to me, as well. Although I do have to point out that, just because this small town only has 1 REPORTED case of COVID-19 doesn't mean that they don't have many more infected people in town. I live in a county that doesn't have any reported cases but our county health department is flat-out saying that we do have illness in the community, that some of it almost certainly is COVID-19 but that we are not doing much testing because our scant supplies are being diverted to other, hard-hit areas.
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Old 03-30-2020, 06:40 PM
  #42

I also agree with your DH.

Quote:
We have a nice deck out back so the guys can hang out back there when itís nice.
Please --- no.
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Please dont
Old 03-30-2020, 07:33 PM
  #43

My sisterís entire family is in quarantine because her 22 DS spent the night at a friends house over a weekend. Little did they know the grandmother of the friend would be diagnosed a few days later. His friend had just visited her so now he and his family are in quarantine and now my sisterís family is too. So you may think itís safe but you donít know who everyone has been in contact with.
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Old 03-30-2020, 08:09 PM
  #44

I agree with your DH. I would not allow my DC to be visiting friends, even with social distancing. How do you know that 6ft. will stop the droplets should someone sneeze? It is not worth letting DS interact with friends physically. Just remember that not only will your child be by theirself in the hospital, they will die alone too. Just staying.
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socializing
Old 03-30-2020, 08:12 PM
  #45

You may be "borrowing" a problem where none exists. Your son may decide that he can use social media, telephone, shared game time with his friend all by his lonesome without having his parents arrange his social life. And then, if it is a problem, you can let your husband deal with the discussion.

I understand, as do most of us, that husbands can play the dictatorial game but it doesn't work well with other adults. Of course, though, he's a police officer and is used to giving orders and expecting them to be obeyed. He seems to have forgotten that a marriage doesn't work that way.

But I have to agree that it isn't a good idea right now. Now, figure out a way to make that husband think it was all your idea anyway and that he must have heard you incorrectly.
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Old 03-30-2020, 08:41 PM
  #46

Quote:
Now, figure out a way to make that husband think it was all your idea anyway and that he must have heard you incorrectly.


Yes, we are all gifted in this area, aren't we?
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Old 03-30-2020, 09:42 PM
  #47

At my house, we are in the same boat. Oldest son is a freshman in college and is home, finishing the semester online. Middle son is a freshman in high school.
Youngest son is in middle school. Under no circumstances are any of them allowed to visit anyone right now. No one is allowed to come over. They are allowed to run in the neighborhood for fresh air and exercise, but we have stressed to them the importance of maintaining the six foot distance if they encounter anyone while they are out. I have not left the house in 17 days except to go for walks in the neighborhood. DH has only left to go grocery shopping when it's absolutely necessary.

To socialize, the boys text, use social media, facetime, and dischord. No, it's not fair to anyone, but this is what we have to do to flatten the curve.
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