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I can't even take a shower
Old 08-03-2015, 06:36 PM
  #1

H cannot handle parenting our child without me. I got yelled at for spending too long in the shower because "he has to go to work every day and has things to do when he is home."

I get that a fussy baby is frustrating but damn it, I deal with it day in and day out. He should be able to take him for 20 minutes.


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Old 08-03-2015, 06:38 PM
  #2

That is not cool! Sorry you got yelled at.

One of the "things" he has to do is be a daddy.

Hope your night gets better!
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Are you planning on going back to work?
Old 08-03-2015, 06:42 PM
  #3

What will your husband do when you both "go to work everyday and have things to do when you're home?"

Your husband needs an attitude change. He is not doing you a favor by watching HIS SON while you shower. He is living up to his responsibilities as a father.

He will need to manage his "other things to do" around his primary responsibility: fatherhood. (Just as you manage your "other things to do" around your primary responsibility of motherhood.)
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Old 08-03-2015, 06:43 PM
  #4

Tell him to shut it before you hit him with one of your hooked shoes!

Seriously, he needs to spend time with the baby when he gets home!!

Also, the baby will not explode or run away if you shower during the day. My kids would lay in their cribs or in a bouncy seat in the bathroom with me!
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Old 08-03-2015, 06:47 PM
  #5

Silly man. He's just not thinking clearly, is he?

You didn't ask, but I hope you don't mind...

You could ask him would he rather entertain his son for a while or does he choose to have a stinky wife?

Maybe you could leave out 2-3 of the baby's favorite toys for them to play with together. Or give him something specific to do with the baby - change him into nightclothes, take a walk around the block, etc. etc.

(((hugs)))


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Dh
Old 08-03-2015, 06:48 PM
  #6

It's hard, but he has to understand that he is not "watching" his son, he is spending time with him!

I think too, sometimes my Dh will need some quiet time when he gets home, then on to reading with ds, helping him bathe, and putting him to bed.

Can you give him a little space when he gets home? Maybe talk about what expectations you guys have? Help him see that you haven't had a chance to take a shower all day? I know that parenthood on both sides is stressful. Maybe he is feeling more stress at work and took it out on you?

I like the PPs idea of giving him a job "I'm going to take a shower, here are some toys and books to read with baby!"
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Old 08-03-2015, 07:01 PM
  #7

I'm sorry he's so irritable. Maybe he has PPD.
http://www.webmd.com/depression/post...tum-depression

I remember that this pregnancy was stressful almost from the beginning and you had previous emotional losses. Men go through stress right along with their wives.

If he's not handled tiny babies it can be making him feel unsuccessful as a parent and frustrated.

We all know staying home with a baby is anything but easy. He may view your world as "easy" since you're staying home now. He may see himself as doing the difficult job at home and work.

Who knows?

Anyway, sorry you got yelled at.

*Dr Renea is now leaving her office. See receptionist for future appointments.*

Last edited by Renea; 08-04-2015 at 01:12 PM.. Reason: sua
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Old 08-03-2015, 07:07 PM
  #8

Time for a reality check for the daddy unit he needs to understand that you're asking for a moment alone.

.you're not asking him to make dinner or do the laundry or do the grocery shopping or mop the floor. you're asking him to jiggle with keys ,play peekaboo, he's gonna miss these days if not careful. You need to voice your feelings without malice, if you frame it about quality bonding it can become a win/win. Hope these words are received as support. Bless you.
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What I told my husband...
Old 08-03-2015, 07:40 PM
  #9

I was 39 when I had DD. Hubby was 44. He was never around children, and all our friends were child free at the time. We never saw our nieces and nephews much.

He has Aspergers so transitions are not his forte. (We didn't find out about that until 50).

I told him we got 18 years with this kid. If he wanted to keep her off the stripper pole and the crack pipe he need to put in the time now, while she is little. He was thinking getting "involved" when she was 12. .

Let's face it babies can suck. They are time sinks. They can be demanding little tyrants, and yes your care free, adult "let's do spur of the moment stuff" is toast until you can get someone to watch them. Or you adjust your attitude. Yes, your friends are going to Gen Con, and you are stuck with drool and poopy diapers. Your friends are going star gazing and you are brain dead from a kid with the flu.

One other thing, is I let my husband parent without jumping in. It is REALLY hard. Especially when you have worked with babies and children. As long as it wasn't dangerous, I let it go. My DD wore some really odd clothing combos, and got some unconventional breakfasts, but that is how he learned. And I chewed my inside cheeks off in the process.

I don't know what your husband's deal is. Unrealistic expectations? All his friends are child free (or divorced no primary custody). Really old school who thinks runt work can only be done by women?
Has no clue what to do and is scared of *doing it wrong*. Is it a cultural thing?

I had that discussion when DD was 2 months old. DH was doing NOTHING and I was going to shank him. I'm glad I did, even though it was hard.

It's crap you can't even take a shower...been there too.

Good luck. ♡
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Old 08-03-2015, 07:55 PM
  #10

I am sad for you that your DH doesn't want to spend some time with your little one. I am wondering what is so important that he can't take care of his baby for an hour so you can get a break. Is he scared to be alone watching the baby? Has he ever watched the baby while you go out of the house? I am surprised that for some guys it isn't natural like it is for most women. Has he had any role models? Just some things to think about.


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Old 08-03-2015, 08:22 PM
  #11

I am in the same boat and my baby is cluster feeding. It's so hard. I'm so sorry.
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Old 08-04-2015, 04:52 AM
  #12

I always heard, "I can't get anything done when I have the kids." Tell me about it.
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Old 08-04-2015, 05:28 AM
  #13

Please, please do not reward your husband's ridiculous behavior. Frankly, I find this kind of mentality on the part of your husband shocking for your generation. I am 49 years old and have 3 children. My husband would have never expected me to cut my shower short because he "has things to do." If the baby cried, he dealt with it, by walking her around, singing to her, patting her on the back, the same things I did.

Sadly, I have seen too many younger teachers at school who have allowed their husbands to become helpless fathers. One of them had to miss the end of school luncheon because her husband "can't handle both the kids for two hours". Really?! That is pathetic! He is their father, not some random babysitter.

Be very clear that yelling at you is absolutely not acceptable. Then, say that this is OUR child, not just MY child. He needs to step up and be a more active father. If not, you can expect a lifetime of being a single parent, while being married. I have seen it too many times before.

Last edited by JDB; 08-04-2015 at 08:42 AM..
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Old 08-04-2015, 05:51 AM
  #14

no elephants: while my dh didn't NOT want to do his fatherly duties, he wasnt very good with them as infants. but as they got a bit older he is the best dad ever. so i know it's frustrating now but i bet he'll change as he grows. Other pp's gave grear advice. Talk to him
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Old 08-04-2015, 07:49 AM
  #15

I agree with JDB. This is precisely why I have never wanted to have children. I thought things were changing, but it seems like they haven't.

In the 50's it was believed that the woman's job was to completely raise the children and be the sole person involved in their upbringing as well as do all of the housework, while all the man did was go to work, bring home the bread, get dinner fed to him, then go off and watch tv.

In the 70's and 80's it was more of the same except now many women had to add working full time in with that load and the man would work 100 hours a week.

I thought men were starting to take a more active role in parenting their kids, but keep hearing stories like this a lot. My husband believes that men as a whole will never change because it is still a man's world.

It is time for this to completely change. Today's mothers need to stand up for themselves and not allow the same thing to them. I know that not all men are like this, and there are even some who stay home and take care of the kids while the wife works, but not enough of them can see the way things have changed.

Sorry this is rough, but I have always been a strong feminist and advocate for women doing things that have always been dominated by men.
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Old 08-04-2015, 08:53 AM
  #16

I'm really, really sorry No Elephants. I couldn't begin to imagine parenting alone...I depend so much on DH, even when I was off for maternity leave and the summer and he was working.

I hope it's just a phase and he steps up. I really feel for you...
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Old 08-04-2015, 09:26 AM
  #17

My son was born 22 years ago. My husband acted somewhat the same. I kept thinking that I needed him to step in and offer to help more. Then my SIL, who had 3 kids with my brother, educated me about our men. I had to be more specific.... tell him what I needed him to do and how long it would take.

So I made a new rule. When my husband came home from work he was to...
  • kiss me on the cheek and tell me he was happy to be home
  • pickup our son and see if he needed changing
  • spend a half hour with our son while I choose to shower, peel potatoes, call my friend, tidy or clean something, or whatever I thought I needed to do without interuption

Being specific seemed to work better and a new routine was established. (Of course, the half hour grew to a more reasonable amount of time, but this was the starting point of the transition for him.) Even after all these years, my husband still can't read my mind and sometimes I have to remember what my SIL taught me long ago

Last edited by Suezie; 08-04-2015 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 08-04-2015, 10:39 AM
  #18

It's not PC, but I told DH that if I think of stay at home parenting (during maternity leave) as a job, jobs usually last about eight hours a day. That means there are 16 more hours where DH and I share responsibility. He should expect to put in about 8 hours of "work" per day with DS. Yes, lots of those will be sleep hours, but still.

DH has been a great dad so far, but I'be noticed that his mindset is that I'll be watching the baby unless we set up specific times he needs to take him (appointments, meetings, coffee date with a friend) - so he was scheduling the rest of his time how he wanted (playing shows, recording sessions, etc.). This is changing now, through lots of communication. It's in his best interests to keep his wife happy and balanced too.

Lastly, are there any things that your DH can/will do to build routine and gain comfort with care taking? My DH does bath time 90% of the time. It's a sweet time for them, and I love knowing I have that 15 minutes to do what I want. Maybe he'd feel comfortable doing the bedtime stories? Or giving him an evening bottle? Small, structured activities until he feels confident and excited about his time with Mason.

Anyway, sorry so long and rambling. Thinking of you!
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Old 08-04-2015, 01:11 PM
  #19

I don't know what his problem is. He likes to be the "fun parent." He normally changes one diaper a day but doesn't like feeding him because "it hurts his wrist to hold the bottle."

I can take a quick shower during the day but when I need to wash hair and shave, I ask H to keep an eye on the baby. He complains about it every time.

He still enjoys all the activities that he did before the baby came and I can't ever do anything. His solution is always to ask his damn sister who I don't like to babysit.

I have tried talking to him many times and yes, I was careful on how I worded it. But every time he just blows it off. I told him I worry that we are eventually going to need counseling and he says "We will be fine. Babies are hard. "
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Wow
Old 08-04-2015, 02:57 PM
  #20

I'm sorry no elephants but I about spit out my coffee when I read that it hurts to hold the bottle. .

I don't have any advice for you except to talk to him nicely and say that you really need him to step up and take care of baby while you shower, go out, and take care of yourself mentally.

I feel really bad for you. Your dh needs to start taking care of you.
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Old 08-04-2015, 03:22 PM
  #21

Tell him you're going to counseling and he needs to watch the baby while you're there.

In all seriousness though, I'd probably not even ask him to watch M while you shower. Just hand him to him and say, "I'm going to shower. I'll be out in twenty minutes." Then walk away. It's not really a "will you" situation but rather a "this is happening."

Some guys are better with older kids instead of babies. It IS a tough, somewhat unrewarding age (I mean, I know we enjoy it but there's not a lot of reciprocal positivity from babies at this age). Maybe he'll do better once Mason is a little older and more interactive?

It's a tough time. Is there another way you could communicate your needs to him? Maybe writing down how it makes you feel lonely or stressed to be in this scenaro?
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