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BioAdoptMom3 BioAdoptMom3 is offline
 
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My heart is warmed, but I am also hurt...
Old 03-23-2017, 08:45 PM
  #1

Thank you to those who empathized with me on my grief over our son's and DDIL's infertility. I appreciate your support.

They have shared all and we have not interfered or even questioned. We have asked nothing directly unless it was in conversation and no, it is not about me, but my deep hurt for them and the grief they are feeling over the child they will likely never have. When our children hurt, we hurt and we worry, period. I don't know why when I said I don't think I can take anymore that bothered some of you. I was saying how I felt, and it happens to be how I still feel today. Of my 3 children, having one who has a serious mental illness and now one who is infertile, who along with his wife already had names chosen for their children, the pain runs deep. From now on I will post updates, but plan to keep my emotions to myself. I don't have a clue why one question and saying I needed to vent became so controversial.

Nancy


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Old 03-23-2017, 10:40 PM
  #2

Please try not to worry too much. I know it's hard not to, but sometimes you have to "Let go, and let God," as my dear uncle tells me. He is right. Many of us here on PT have you in our prayers.
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Old 03-24-2017, 01:25 AM
  #3

(((Nancy))))

Know that we love and support you, and only want what's best for you. I think we just worry about your worrying!

But, like any kind of grief, you need to work through it. If it helps to "talk" to us, please do. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't tell about how I feel on PT. it really helps to share here when I need to hold it together irl.

Sending prayers and good thoughts to you all. God has a plan. Don't you wish he'd share it sometimes?
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Old 03-24-2017, 02:22 AM
  #4

I read the other posts and it didn't seem very controversial to me. We have had other discussions on PT that have become abrasively controversial. Your conversations had different opinions but they were all respectful. That's the beauty of PT. We are able to get so many different perspectives that help us along in our own personal journey.

A few people I work have had a multitude of fertility issues. Some of them stopped IVF because it became all consuming and they needed a different balance in life. It is very possible that what your son told you is exactly what he means. Try not to worry about there being more to it.

Your family is in the middle of a bumpy road right now. My dh says, "A parent is only as happy as their saddest kid." There is a lot of truth to that. He spent a few years in therapy learning how to let go, and care, without going crazy. It wasn't easy for him but he has made a lot of progress. It's one of those things that needs to be added to the parent handbook that still hasn't been written.
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you had questions
Old 03-24-2017, 04:06 AM
  #5

Looking back at those 2 recent posts that relate to your son, I didn't see where you stated or implied that you were just venting. You had questions in both of your posts.

Sorry that some of the posts made you feel hurt. I truly feel that no person posted anything that meant to hurt you. Sometimes we might not like to read some of the advice that is offered, in a loving way, on this site. But if many posts offer the same advice, that advice might be wise.

To protect your emotions, you could just state "this is a vent", or "just venting" at the beginning of your post. This would help the reader understand the purpose of your post. Remember, we are here to support you.



Last edited by Abbigal; 03-24-2017 at 04:09 AM.. Reason: spelling
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I understood:
Old 03-24-2017, 04:52 AM
  #6

As moms, we just want to fix things when our kids are struggling. Wanting to fix things doesn't mean we are going to intervene. It just means our hearts are breaking to see them hurt. I understood where you were coming from and I'm sorry I did not respond. I wasn't sure how I could comfort you.
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Old 03-24-2017, 05:44 AM
  #7

The last thing in the world I intended was to hurt your feelings, Nancy. I thought I was honestly and sincerely responding to your posts, responding to exactly what you had written. I didn't realize you only wanted one kind of response. I apologize.
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Nancy...
Old 03-24-2017, 06:18 AM
  #8

I know you are a prayerful person and turn to God in situations like this. I also know that sometimes religious people know that God helps those who help themselves and often tell their friends to pray to God and row to shore.
You have some overwhelming situations and because my DD is a psychologist and has had to turn to some therapy to help her and her son to get through a few difficult times. I hope that you are taking care of yourself by reaching out to a therapist and also perhaps taking some medication to ease the anxiety and depression. The stronger and less anxious you are the better you can be for your family. (I don't know how to say the last sentence so it doesn't sound like I am saying that you aren't your best for your family. If we were talking in person it would come out different)
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Old 03-24-2017, 06:19 AM
  #9

I didn't respond to either of the previous posts as I had nothing to add. I just reread them, though, and I do think you are overreacting. I don't see anything that should hurt your feelings. I "see" where you got them hurt because that same thing has happened to many of us. We take responses too personally because the words alone don't always convey what the words in person would. We can't discuss things and get past the misunderstandings on a social forum like you can one on one with a person.

I can understand being overwhelmed with all the heavy things happening in your family and saying you can't anymore. The truth behind the words (as we all know) is that if more happens, we will take it, because we are moms, and as moms we are strong. Stronger than we think we are most times, and we trudge on, trying to shoulder the pain so our kids don't have to. Unfortunately, our kids have to feel pain and they will.

I hope this is the last of your family pain for now. I also hope your discussion with dd goes well tonight. THinking of you.
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Old 03-24-2017, 07:17 AM
  #10

I am not going to reread the replies to your posts, but you are very emotional right now. Of course any mother would be. I used to say I felt so fragile. The Bible calls it broken. Its when we are broken that we turn to the Lord for answers and relief. Your family has been through so much. You know besides parents and loved ones, prayer warriors enter into another person's infirmities and take that need to the Lord in prayer. Part of that is feeling their pain. Nancy, you are both a loving mother who wants her children to lead fulfilling lives, and you do pray for your children. There is no fault in that.

Sometimes it hurts when someone comments that a person needs to step back from a situation. Sometimes we do have to remove ourselves from a situation to protect ourselves. Maybe not remove yourself completely, but take a break to gain strength before you re-enter that situation. Take time to do what you need because you won't be any good to anyone if you let yourself become overwhelmed with grief. Spend time in the word and in prayer. Focus on encouraging scripture. Seek out church revivals and attend. Be willing to cross doctrinal lines if that is what it takes to get into a good revival. You know what you believe and you can weigh their messages against your doctrine of choice. I am not a stickler on doctrine, as long as they believe a few basics that I feel are required to be in line with the Bible. Other issues that might come up are more trivial to me. There are good teachings within different doctrines. Some are stronger at teaching faith. Others are stronger at teaching missions. Others are stronger at teaching salvation. They might not be that different. Rest, eat right, sleep well, go for a walk. You will come back to the situation with more faith and strength. Your son and daughter in law will handle this whether you back off or not. Ultimately it is your choice about how involved you will be. I don't really think anyone meant any harm. I think it is safe to say you are viewed here as a caring individual with only the best intentions for your family.


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Old 03-24-2017, 07:34 AM
  #11

Feelings aren't facts, but they do matter. Instead of examining the responses you got on multiple threads, maybe examine why you reacted the way you did.

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I am certain that was not the intent of any person who responded. I hope that helps you process this murky mess of emotions.
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Praying for a Positive Day
Old 03-24-2017, 09:05 AM
  #12

Nancy, you are such a loving mom. Everyone on PT appreciates your support when they post. With all that has gone on the last few months no wonder you are feeling sad and overwhelmed. There are many roads to building a family for your son and daughter in law. Praying for peace, calm, and joy to come for you and your family. "All will be well."
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Old 03-24-2017, 09:13 AM
  #13

I knew you were going to feel hurt when I read through the responses just because I knew you were emotionally spent when you posted. I think you are worrying a lot and people here are worried about you worrying! One of my biggest problems is that I worry a lot about what people think instead of focusing on what God thinks. God knows your heart, your grief, and your intentions better than anyone on here. Trust in that. Hugs to you.
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Old 03-24-2017, 12:49 PM
  #14

I know this is a very emotional time for you, and I'm sorry things are hard. People care about you and express their opinions about what to do. There will always be a variety of perspectives on a public message board. They may not always be what you want to hear, but that's the way it goes. There is no need to hold back on expressing your emotions when you post.

Last edited by travelingafar; 03-25-2017 at 03:51 AM..
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Thoughts
Old 03-24-2017, 02:51 PM
  #15

I understand you are hurt that people said not to make it about you when it's not about you. But why are you saying they will likely not have children and why are you hanging on to that pessimistic thought when you said this in the earlier thread:

...going to wait awhile and that the doc told them they may very well be able to get pregnant naturally because his sperm look FINE. They talked like they were happy about their decision.

Doesn't this look hopeful to you?
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:26 PM
  #16

I dont know what the controversy was about but Im sorry that it happened. You are always so supportive to others so that support should be returned to you. My only thought is that teachers are under such a huge amount of stress and sometimes good people like you unintentionally get the short end of their stick. ((Hugs))
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Old 03-24-2017, 07:23 PM
  #17

Please remember what is in print is not always understood as the poster intended.
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