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College age daughter and curfew???
Old 07-31-2017, 04:17 AM
  #1

I have an 18 year old daughter who is home for the summer from college We have been butting heads over curfews this summer. I gave her a 2 am curfew for workdays and no curfew for Fri and Sat. Friday and Saturday she usually stays at a friends house, and has to tell me where she is. She works during the summer form 9-5. She has been late a few times and seems to get mad that she even has a curfew. I must say she has a new boyfriend and she is at his house 4 out of 7 nights. The other 3 nights she is at home. She is generally a good kid, but this curfew thing is driving me crazy. Can I ground her? Take away her phone? I am paying for her college, and phone and most of everything. Am i being irrational to ask her to be home by 2 on a work day. I have a hard time going back to sleep or sleeping once we get to the curfew time. Now I am on summer break, but I go back this week, and am dreading having no sleep going to work. This is driving me and my husband cray any insight would be appreciated.
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Old 07-31-2017, 04:22 AM
  #2

She's in college. When she's at school, she doesn't have a curfew. I'd guess she resents having one now. I know I would!

Maybe it's time she made her own choices and lived with the natural consequences. Home late and then late to work, work consequences.

When I returned home for summers after college I didn't have a curfew. Out of courtesy (because I knew my mom worried), I let my parents know where I was and when/if I expected to be home. Heck, I still call my mom to tell her I've arrived safely at home after big trips because I know she worries.

Unfortunately, I think you need to let this one go. She is an adult. You've raised her right, trust in that.

Good luck!
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Old 07-31-2017, 04:24 AM
  #3

I didn't have a curfew for my college age kid. He didn't have a girlfriend but every once in a while would stay with his friend over night in his apt.

I just Simply said please text me once it gets late to let me know if you are going to be coming home or staying over.

I know it makes you worry and I worried about dui so I made him promise that if he had been drinking that he would stay over.

It's hard to rein back their independence once they've been on their own. He really didn't stay out late that often so it wasn't really a problem.
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Old 07-31-2017, 04:30 AM
  #4

I agree with PPs. She doesn't need a curfew; she's managed to live an entire school year away at college without one. I say let it go.
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Let it go
Old 07-31-2017, 04:37 AM
  #5

She's in college now. She's not only learning academics, she's learning to be an adult. It's a battle you can't win and not one to be fought.


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Curfew
Old 07-31-2017, 04:41 AM
  #6

We did not give our daughter a curfew when she returned home from her first year of college. We did ask that she let us know approximately what time she would be home. I have nightmares and get very scared at night, so knowing that sound I heard was probably her cut down on my anxiety. My daughter is well aware of my sleeping issues so she was good about giving us an approximate time.

I think it is a two way street. Your daughter should not have a curfew, but should be courteous of your rights and at least give you an approximate return time.

Another thought.... my son works a job where his work day ending time varies greatly. I have him text me when he gets home. That way if I wake up I can check my phone to see if he is home. It has worked great so far. He knows he will lose his phone for 24 hours if he forgets to text me when he gets home, so he is diligent about texting me.
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Curfew
Old 07-31-2017, 04:48 AM
  #7

My 2 college age kids did not have a curfew when they were home. I just asked them to let me know if they were not coming in so I knew they weren't on the side of the road.

I agree with the others: at school they had no curfew and made it, so why have one at home?
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:02 AM
  #8

Thanks so much for the post and replies as I am going through the same thing. I feel a little better with all of your advice. Being a single mom (without input from her dad), it's good to bounce ideas/worries off of someone else!!
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:24 AM
  #9

I agree with PP's. No curfew. It's kind of like you did a great job raising her and helped her with her independence in college and now you're taking it away from her. I'm sure in college she had these late hours too. Anyway what is she doing at 4:00am that is different than 2am.

Someone here gave me this idea. leave your door open. When she comes home tell her to close it so when you wake up in the middle of the night, you'll know if she's home or not w/o getting out of bed.
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Agree
Old 07-31-2017, 06:13 AM
  #10

I agree with others. Let her face the consequences of being tired because she got home too late. I do, however, remember being able to work and function on very little sleep around that age!

I like the idea of having her close your door when she gets home. I did the same thing when I was younger! I also usually sent a text to my mom letting her know around when I would be home/


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Old 07-31-2017, 06:35 AM
  #11

While I get objecting to a curfew, it doesn't seem to me that objecting to her coming in later than 2 am on work nights IF she is coming home is exactly the definition of a curfew. What you're asking for is some common courtesy so you can get some sleep.

I say it's fine to expect this. Just don't call it a curfew. IMO, this is your home. You have the right to get some uninterrupted sleep.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:36 AM
  #12

I agree with the other posters, I just wanted to add that when my daughter started working past midnight or being out that later and later, I found it very hard to sleep until I knew she was home safe (I usually go to be at 10pm so staying up 2 extra hours plus was killing me!). But what I found was I started to worry less as time went on and I was able to sleep when she wasn't home and sleep through her return home. Maybe I got tired enough?

I hope you are able to work it out as not getting enough sleep along back to school will be hard on you. Good luck.
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Adult children....becoming an adult....
Old 07-31-2017, 07:40 AM
  #13

I have 2 adult children and they have had to move back a time or two.... yes they are adults. However if they are in my home .... it is house rules. If they do not like the rules of my home.... they can go be an adult somewhere else.

I understand your case is a little different.... but she is only eighteen. You are not being difficult. I would have a conversation and explain common courtesy/house rules. Just my opinion.

Hoping you get the respect and rest you need and deserve.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:42 AM
  #14

I feel like a curfew is just something to cause your grief, though curfew certainly should be respected and yours is very reasonable. Your daughter should respect the fact that you need to get up early despite staying up most of the night waiting for her to come home safe. If you decide to give up the curfew, I think it would be reasonable for you to expect your daughter to tell you who is going to be with, where and when she expects to come home. If that time changes, she should call or text you an update.

One of my daughters and her husband live here. Since they are together they can be accountable to each other, but I want to know if they will be out past midnight or will not be home at night. I've told them they don't need my approval or permission, but I need to know they are ok so I can sleep.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:53 AM
  #15

I left for college at 17, and whenever I was home, I didn't have a curfew. Of course, I did tell my parents where I was going and an approximate time I would be home. (This was pre-cell days, so calling wasn't an option.)

If the curfew is the only thing that is an issue, then maybe the curfew *is* the issue.
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Old 07-31-2017, 08:04 AM
  #16

I know the pain of letting them grow up and be on their own. However, when she is away at school you don't stay awake late at night knowing she is out and about during the wee hours.
I never gave mine curfews when they were back home. I did ask them to tell me where they were going and the approximate time they would be back. I asked them if they were going to be later or if they decided to stay somewhere else to please text me. One of my kids pushed back and said they didn't need to tell me where they were going or when they would be home until I pointed out that it was just common courtesy to do so and that I told them where I was going and when I would be home. That shut them up. They just want so much to be independent.
Then I went to bed and shut my door. I knew the next morning if they were home or not because their door would then be shut. I just need my sleep too much to stay awake or be awakened even during break.
You just can't worry! And if they need you they will call.
If your daughter wasn't working, I'd be more concerned about her but it sounds like she is a responsible young woman.
Hang in there! Soon she won't be home to stay except for short visits.
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Old 07-31-2017, 08:43 AM
  #17

I know you asked about curfew but I would worry more about your daughter staying 4 nights with her new boyfriend. I did not let my son stay with his girlfriend until they were engaged at 22 yo. They had been BF and GF since they were 15. Mine had a curfew during the summer of 12:00 during the week and 2:00 on the weekends. Tough mom here I guess.
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My vote: No curfew
Old 07-31-2017, 09:45 AM
  #18

The word itself sounds controlling and demeaning. You used the word "grounding," and it is also outgrown for a college student. She is a woman now. Repeat that to yourself as you go to sleep and take it easy on yourself.
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Old 07-31-2017, 09:57 AM
  #19

I agree and disagree with what people are saying. While she is an adult, she is still under your roof and you are paying for everything. So, time for a discussion. Set some rules for mutual respect. THings like texting to let you know when approx. to expect her home or not to so you don't have to worry. If she doesn't want to respect that, then consequences could be things like her taking over her phone/car insurance payments. If she wants you to continue to pay them, then she needs to respect your rules for living at home.

You have to be prepared though for her to start taking adulthood more on her own. She could take over phone, insurance, and move out. Can you live with that?

When I was in high school I didn't have a curfew. However, we talked before I left home each night about a time to expect me home. Sometimes my bf and I parked in our driveway for hours! When I moved out and went home for longer visits, I was respectful and let my parents know what I was doing and when to worry.
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Old 07-31-2017, 10:37 AM
  #20

DS is 20 and here for the summer. He works 8:30-5:30 and has a half an hour commute. He doesn't have a curfew during the week but he's always home by 10-11 so he's not dog tired at work the next day (lots of manual labor).

On the weekends he doesn't have a curfew but it is required to let me know if he's going to stay the night at his friend's or be super late.

That being said, your house, you pay the bills, your rules. My son's college tuition is paid for through an athletic scholarship but I help with his rent so I make sure and remind him of that.

Are the boyfriend's parents ok with letting your daughter stay the night with him at their house or does he live on his own? I think at age 18 (boy or girl) I would have a problem with that part.

Last edited by Katluv; 07-31-2017 at 10:42 AM.. Reason: forgot something
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Old 07-31-2017, 10:45 AM
  #21

My parents and I have never had to deal with this before. I didn't move away for college and when I moved out to my own apt, I stayed out and never had to move back in with them.

Once an almost-adult child moves out on his/her own, it's tough to have them follow any rules if they have to move back for any reason. She SHOULD have the respect to just do as you say and it should be as simple as that, but of course, not all kids are like that. It's hard for me to say what to do because I've never, ever given my parents any bit of trouble ever in my life. I always did what I'm told and we never (I'm serious) had any arguments/fights really.
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Curfew
Old 07-31-2017, 11:16 AM
  #22

When I graduated high school I was still living at home while I attended CC. I had to be home at 11pm. My parents were very old-fashioned and strict, and didn't like the idea of me rolling in and out whenever I felt like it because they worried about me if I was late. If I didn't like it, I was free to move out, they said. I accepted their rules, and later when I moved away and came home to visit, I didn't have a curfew. I didn't want them to worry so I let them know where I was going, when I'd be back, and it was fine.
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Old 07-31-2017, 12:24 PM
  #23

My parents were very old fashioned and I still had a curfew at 20 when I was attending college, working full time, and paying for a lot of my stuff.

I will caution you that them being overbearing led to me getting married to my ex at 20 just to get out of the house. I wanted to move in with him and they threw a complete fit and said they would have nothing to do with helping me pay for a wedding if we lived together first. So guess what? We just got married instead.

I keep all of this in mind when parenting and try to let my kids have independence and not trying to make them feel like I am inflexible and unapproachable.

I'm not saying you are. It's just my experience and cautionary tale.
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Old 07-31-2017, 12:36 PM
  #24

I think since you're paying for everything, it is "within your rights" to have a curfew if you want to, but I also think it's pretty uncalled for to have a curfew for a college student. She doesn't have a curfew the rest of the year, and I think college is the perfect time to start "learning to be an adult" while still somewhat having a safety net. She needs to be making her own decisions about how late is too late to stay out on a work night and things like that, in preparation for when that safety net is no longer there.

Even if you are paying for things, I don't think you can ground a college student- that's just way too ridiculous. If you absolutely must enforce a consequence, you can do something like have her pay her own phone bill that month. I think letting her make her own decisions and dealing with the natural consequences of those is far more effective. She'll learn a much better lesson if she gets fired from her job for being habitually late than if you manage everything for her and force her to be there on time.

My parents were extremely strict, paid for most things until I graduated, and I didn't have a curfew in college. I did let them know where I was going and how late I thought I'd be out of courtesy, but I can't fathom having a curfew at that age.

Like a pp said, I'd also be prepared for the possibility that if you draw this line in the sand, she may choose to not come home/live elsewhere next summer, especially since it sounds like she has a BF she can stay with.
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I agree that it is a wording thing and
Old 07-31-2017, 12:59 PM
  #25

not a true curfew. And even as curfews go, 2 am is generous.

I would drop the word curfew and set a plan in place with input from both of you about how to let everyone know what the plans for the evening will be.

My youngest DD is 21 and in college now. She came home last year and did not have a curfew. She was good to respect our rules almost completely.

She didn't come home this this year. BUT, her college offers dorm rentals over the summer at a really reasonable price and she opted for that. Surprisingly, her college has gates that close for the night at 1 am.

As far as I know, she has never missed that time [nor does she view it as a self imposed curfew.] She even works until midnight a while away some nights.
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Nothing Good Happens After Midnight
Old 07-31-2017, 02:16 PM
  #26

Talk to any police officer or Highway Patrol officer...drunk drivers, street racing, sexual assaults, burglaries, etc. we asked our girls to be home by then or stay at a friend's house. No cell phones then...Now they could have texted us their ETA. Being woken up by late kids made me crazy. So glad my girls lived away at college so I didn't have to know everything or listen for the door to open. It's a tough time but one that will pass. Not sure my husband would have said yes to overnights at 18 with a boyfriend though. Common courtesy is in order when at home in your house not the dorm. Good luck!
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:14 PM
  #27

I agree with letting it go. She is in school, has a job and is a good kid. You pretty much know where she is and it appears she is in safe places. Ours is 18, has bipolar and borderline personality disorder and though she is attending the local community college, she is living with a 55 y/o child molesting (it was her and we understand his DD as well), drug addicted man in a filthy, smoky, drug ridden dump of a home, and neighborhood and at 18 there is nothing we can do about it. Your daughter sounds like she is doing great!

Nancy
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:24 PM
  #28

Once they go off to college, things are never the same. They feel all independent and we still think of them as our little babies. It is still your house, so you can still set rules but try to be flexible. I just asked mine to call me if they were going to be out later than I expected so I wouldn't worry. (as much.) This is a tough part of cutting those apron strings.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:45 PM
  #29

Quote:
Surprisingly, her college has gates that close for the night at 1 am.
Do you know what happens if they get home AFTER 1:00AM? There's gotta be a way to get in.. no?
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Old 08-01-2017, 03:35 AM
  #30

Thank you PT'ers for all of your post and great advice. You are all right, she is a great kid and has a lot of common sense ( more so than her parents at this age) . I am going to relax on what time she gets home. If she is too late she will adjust because she will be tired. I just want to edit my other remarks. She does spend 3-4 nights out with either her boyfriend or friends. Her boyfriend lives 30 minutes away, they usually go back to where he lives to go out, and then hang out at his house. The times she has been late, were times she fell asleep watching a movie. I know I have to let go and let her become the amazing young lady that we always knew she was. I was fine when she was in college, but what I didn't know I couldn't worry about. We have a great relationship, so I am going to let the curfew thing slide. Just three weeks till she is at school and I can live in blissful ignorance.
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