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Breaking up with a friend..
Old 01-03-2020, 06:35 PM
  #1

Have you ever had to do this? How did you do it.. ? Is there a better way ? I feel so sad having to do this but I feel our friendship is unhealthy.


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Breaking up
Old 01-03-2020, 07:10 PM
  #2

I have. Fortunately, I was able to let it fade away. We had a disagreement and it was an opportunity to stop calling her. This was back in the day before texting.

If you can let it die a natural death, do so. If not, you might have to be painfully honest and tell friend this isnít working.
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Old 01-03-2020, 07:19 PM
  #3

I have had to do this twice as an adult, totally separate friendships. Both times it's bc the friends were so contrary to me in their life choices. I don't mean having a friend who's of a different faith or has different political views.

The first friend and I broke up over a stray cat she tried to guilt me into adopting, then turned to verbal abuse. I told her that I could not be friends with someone who would try to manipulate me with guilt and verbal abuse. This wasn't the first episode.

The 2nd friend I kind of "ghosted," which I know is somewhat cowardly, I know. She was never happy. Would always post/text me with nothing but complaints. They spent ridiculous amounts of money, then she'd complain they were short of money. Being with her was exhausting and always left me feeling down/angry. I unfollowed her on FB, was "busy" when she'd ask me to meet up, etc. I suppose she got the message.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
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Well...
Old 01-03-2020, 07:21 PM
  #4

Make more friends whose company you enjoy. Invite this friend along. She may see how people behave. She might change.

My sister had this very problem. They broke up for a time. Recently they got back in touch.

We do teach others HOW to treat us. I fear that shunning is also unhealthy and can be cruel. People with undesirable personality traits are often misunderstood. Try a little love. Set your boundaries.

I recently learned how to end a phone call. "I must go. We can pick this up later."
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Old 01-03-2020, 09:57 PM
  #5

I have done this with 2 friends this last year. One just faded away as our lives were changing. The other one I ended up confronting her with how I felt about a situation with her son. Long story short, it was just too much drama for me to handle. I also totally disagreed with how they were handling it. Hope that helps a bit.


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Old 01-03-2020, 10:33 PM
  #6

I had this friend that I kind of just let fade out. She is a very sweet girl but extremely sensitive. I've learned over the years, partly through this friendship, that's a personality type that just doesn't mesh with mine. She would get very upset over the tiniest perceived slight (i.e.- convinced I was mad at her because I "looked at her funny during dinner"). I just don't have the energy for that sort of thing- I want time with friends to be fun, not something I have to be stressed and walking on eggshells during. At the time several mutual friends had talked to her about the hypersensitivity and her response was always something along the lines of that being her personality and being proud of who she is.

Plot twist- around this time last year, she unexpectedly came back into my life- probably 3 years later? I met some new friends and it turns out she was already in their friend group . I tried to avoid her but it was impossible without me missing out on everything.

We talked and it seemed like she'd matured a little. I've stuck to large group settings with her. I keep her at arms length but we can have a good time at something like a big party- keeping things light and superficial. I see her every 1-2 months and everything has been fine. Honestly I bet she feels the same way I do- she's fine with the set up we have now and doesn't want to go back to being super close like we were at one point.
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Old 01-04-2020, 05:43 AM
  #7

I just did this. I realized I deserved better when I was standing waiting for her to show up to my very, very small 40th birthday outing. She gave no indication she wasn't coming, after saying she was, no follow-up or explanation. I let it go, didn't contact her after that. We all deserve better than be left standing there. I would just fade it out like the others said. It's hard but you know what is good for you!
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Old 01-04-2020, 10:49 AM
  #8

When this has happened, most recently with my friend who lived with us for 7 months, I just let it fade out. We still have minimal contact but no intimate conversations anymore and no hanging out.

Nancy
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Yes...
Old 01-04-2020, 11:18 AM
  #9

There was a woman I worked with whom I really liked and respected. We had a lot in common, including our love of animals. We worked on the negotiations committee together and socialized. I enjoyed her company because she is intelligent and fun to be with. Good women friends are not that easy to come by and I enjoyed her company.

She transferred schools within the district and went through a messy divorce. I reached out to her and we did some things together. She developed a friendship with another divorced teacher and they traveled together. I did not hear from her during this time when the other person was her new BFF. She remarried and I was not invited to the wedding. I felt used, but I did miss her.

We wound up on negotiations together again and the friendship revived. We did things together and I socialized with her and her new husband at their home. She has a grown son with mental health issues who has needs and I respected that. During the time we were on negotiations, she sent me multiple emails complaining about how things were going and saying she would never do this again multiple times. We settled a contact with an inexperienced team that neither of us were happy with, but it was what it was.

I retired and she kept saying we were going to go out to dinner to celebrate. Whenever we tried to plan a date, there always turned out to be an obstacle on her end that blocked it. Even when she sent me a range of dates, it turned out her husband had bought theater tickets for the night we picked. I finally told her because I was going on vacation, she could get back to me when I returned and we would see each other. Sadly, I never heard from her again, but given my first experience, I guess "out of sight, out of mind" is typical behavior for her. I was mad at myself for getting sucked in again. The kicker was despite all the negative communications and protests to the contrary, she is on negotiations AGAIN.

Part of me would love to run into her in the supermarket or something and go out to coffee so I could have some sort of closure about my feelings of her simply not following through on our seeing each other. I still miss the friendship, but i don't really trust her. I just don't think she is honest and I need people in my life who are stable and reliable.

Sorry so long, but I I would just make other choices to do other things with other people. If the friend directly questions you, you can certainly be honest about the place you are in your life and how you feel about the friendship. I hope it works out for you without any drama.
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Old 01-04-2020, 12:12 PM
  #10

I've never had to do this myself.

Do you have to actually "break up" or can you just let it dissolve by contacting her less and less until you don't at all? After that, IF she contacts you, you can just never reply.


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I wish I had let it just fade out
Old 01-04-2020, 12:16 PM
  #11

I cut the cord through a fade out/email. She wanted to go somewhere, and I replied with why the friendship wasn't working for me any more.

I felt she always wanted to get together when she had a need or problem she wanted to hash out. She would text "I need to see you." So her neediness got to me. Then there were all the times she had the fix for my children's problems in general or with me. So her "fix it's" got to me, too.

I know I blindsided her, and for that I have felt bad. I wish I could have done it another way, but I just couldn't find it.

I think about her from time to time, and I know I am much better off without her clingy ways.
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Old 01-04-2020, 05:58 PM
  #12

This is all very helpful. Itís so difficult to do. I do love her and care about her but sheís hurt me lately and itís like the straw that broke the camels back.

I just donít know.
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friend breakup
Old 01-05-2020, 10:26 AM
  #13

I had to do it years ago when I realized a friend was not really a friend. She made me feel bad about myself in many ways. I felt sorry for her because she didn't have any friends, so I allowed her to do so for far too long. Eventually I ghosted her after she sent me several letters after she moved (this was pre-email) telling me how I should be a better person.
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Old 01-05-2020, 12:16 PM
  #14

I had a good friend do this to me several years ago. I truly do not know why. It would have been nicer if she had just ghosted me but she told me that she preferred to hang with people who made her feel good. Then she would not tell me what the heck I did to make her feel badly. I have reflected on this MANY times but have no idea what this means. Did I contact her too much? Not enough? Something else? I can tell you that this has simmered in my soul to the point I am very angry about it. First I was sad and surprised. Now it is anger.

Don't do that to someone.
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I was the friend that got dumped...LONG
Old 01-05-2020, 08:12 PM
  #15

I had a really good girlfriend end our friendship. I was devastated about it. She was like a sister to me. We used to go out to dinner almost every week. I met her through my then husband. She confided in me that she was cheating on her husband. I thought she had an amazing marriage and they had the cutest little boy. I didn't understand but I didn't judge. Fast forward and I was going through my divorce. She was a paralegal for an attorney. I was scared and lonely and I would ask her lots of legal questions. She suddenly was working late, couldn't have dinner, lunch, breakfast, had family in town etc. She stopped calling me and stopped returning my phone calls. I gave up and moved on. Fast forward again two years and I ran into her at the mall. I said Hi and kept walking. She stopped me and wanted to talk. She said she missed our friendship and missed me. I asked her why she ended it? She felt I was using her to get free legal advice and that I only wanted to talk about my ex and getting a divorce and that I never had money was scared etc. I was so shocked. I told her that I was angry that I had listened to every problem she had with her husband, watched her trash a great marriage for sex with someone else and that I tried to remain her friend and because I was scared and upset she abandoned me. She apologized profusely and wanted to be friends again but the damage was done. To this day, I don't even say hello when I see her.

I say all of this to say, communicate! Maybe a miscommunication is the reason and it can be salvaged, maybe it can't. But, don't just ghost someone. If that person matters to you, then she deserves to know why you don't want to be friends anymore.
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Old 01-05-2020, 08:53 PM
  #16

I've had friendships that I've let fade away. If the friendship is one-sided or the friend is needy and brings drama I simply decrease contact. It seems a natural part of relationships. Some are easy and rewarding while others are too costly to maintain.
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