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My Marriage
Old 04-08-2018, 04:47 AM
  #1

I have been married for 17 years, and we don't have kids. It has generally been a good partnership, but the past few months have been really challenging. DH is prone to angry outbursts, and dealing with it is exhausting.

I went through surgery, chemo, and radiation last year for breast cancer. I am on a medication now that gives me on and off fatigue, insomnia, and joint pain. As a result I am often tired and don't have the energy to deal with his moodiness.

My beloved springer spaniel passed away almost a year ago when I was going through radiation. Losing her was unbelievably sad, and I constantly miss her. I want to get another dog, but DH does not. He adored our dog but feels like having one is too much work. Having one would help me heal and would make me feel calmer and more peaceful.

I am not sure what to do. DH has been tiring, I want a dog badly, and we are at an impasse. Convincing him to get a dog is not a possibility because he is dead set against it. In addition, I have little energy to deal with his off and on anger and outbursts when I don't feel especially well.


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Cat?
Old 04-08-2018, 04:59 AM
  #2

Would a house cat be a compromise? They are easier than a dog if you can deal with a litter box.

If you get an older cat from a shelter instead of a kitten, you can "shop" for one that cuddles.
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Old 04-08-2018, 05:01 AM
  #3

DH wonít get a cat.
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Old 04-08-2018, 05:06 AM
  #4

First of all let me say I am so sorry for all that you have gone through recently with your health, the passing of your dog, and the sudden outburst and moodiness of your husband .

When was the last time he has been to the doctor? Sometimes mood changes are the beginning stages of some aging conditions.

You also might want to consider that if you do get a pet, how his moodiness and sudden burst of anger might affect the dog. I once had an elderly relative who would physically harm his dog whenever he was in a bad mood. Another words he took out his moodiness and anger on the dog. If that's a possibility with your husband, especially if there are going to be times when you would too tired to take care of the dog, and it becomes your husband's responsibility. I would not get a pet
at this time if there even is a chance that he might harm the pet.

If you did both agreed to get a dog, an older rescue dog might be the answer. It would already be house trained and would be out of the puppy stage. Perhaps you could choose a smaller older dog, maybe one that would be more content to take a stroll in the backyard and be a lapdog in the house.

I do understand how you miss your dog in the void -it leaves in your heart. I lost my sweet dog a few years ago. I still have my rescue cat, who is totally an indoor cat , and easier to take care of. Have you considered getting an older, rescue cat? I hope you find some solution.
Thanking of you today .
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This is not really about getting a dog.
Old 04-08-2018, 05:20 AM
  #5

It is about having a partner who cannot stretch himself to meet your needs when you are at a critical stage of healing.

His moods and outbursts need to be addressed, but you have put up with it for so long that it is your normal.

You do not have to live like that.

Are you working? Are you home alone a lot?

OTOH, men react differently to loss or potential loss. He may still be in some kind of grief, not only over losing the other dog, but over his fear of losing you.

Can you get this man into counseling? Couples counseling? It sounds like you are both dealing with a lot of stress, potential losses, grief, and in his case, anger.


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Sorry youíre dealing with this
Old 04-08-2018, 05:28 AM
  #6

Not that I want to side with your moody DH, because I donít . I have one of my own and I know how difficult it is to be around someone whoís always in grouch mode.

However, is it possible that your DH is against the dog because he knows how weak and tired you are and that the work load might fall to him?

Also, on another note, has he always been prone to angry outbursts or did those begin after you got your diagnosis? Could your fragility have sent him into a tailspin?

I only ask because my DH and I have had a pretty good marriage but now something has changed and he seems depressed and moody. I think itís because he quit smoking. Ive read that this can change brain chemistry during detox. Iíve put us on a waiting list to see a marriage counsellor.
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Depressed?
Old 04-08-2018, 06:01 AM
  #7

I noticed my DH getting angry easily and pointed it out to him. Our doctor increased his antidepressant and added a medicine for anxiety. It's definitely made a difference.

If these angry outbursts are new or more frequent, is there a chance he could be depressed? Would he consider seeing a doctor and/or trying medicine?

No matter what, I hope things work out and that you can both come to a compromise you can live with.
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Old 04-08-2018, 06:22 AM
  #8

(((traveling far)))) No solution from me, but lots of sympathy and well wishes. Does he understand how important to you this is? Your story breaks my heart.
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Old 04-08-2018, 06:39 AM
  #9

Thinking of alternatives to dog ownership: Do you have a friend with a dog who can bring his or her dog over for regular visits? Or, maybe look into organizations that have certified therapy dogs who do home visits?
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Old 04-08-2018, 06:44 AM
  #10

Has your husband always been prone to outbursts or is this a recent phenomenon? As others have pointed out this may be a problem about more than just his upset over your illness and now wanting another dog.
If dh is generally a person with angry outbursts I would consider that to be the problem to work on first.
If his outbursts are a pattern happening since your illness,get him looked at by a doc.


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Sending You Hugs
Old 04-08-2018, 07:05 AM
  #11

I hope your health continues to improve. Thinking of you.
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Update
Old 04-08-2018, 09:34 AM
  #12

I appreciate your responses. DH has had pretty bad OCD throughout our marriage, and his anxiety and outbursts are often a result of that. It has gotten worse in recent months. He retired in January and is still finding his routine. That probably adds to his stress level. He refuses to go to a therapist or get any help.

DH has been supportive and understanding with my health issues and was great when I went through chemo and radiation.

I agree with Elyssa that he is ignoring my needs (getting a dog) during a very difficult time of my life, and that is not OK.

I am beyond exhausted right now.

Last edited by travelingfar; 04-08-2018 at 09:53 AM..
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Old 04-08-2018, 06:45 PM
  #13

I totally agree with everything Elyssa said! You have both been through so much and under so much stress. A good counselor would benefit both of you. (((HUGS)))

Prayers abide!

Nancy
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Old 04-08-2018, 07:30 PM
  #14

I think there should be a place to match dog owners with dog grandmas/aunts. My good friend is in this situation. She wants a dog, her husband does not. Consequently, I have a free pet sitter whenever I want it. It's fabulous for me! I do try not to take advantage, but they seem to really enjoy having her. My dog LOVES them. They came over for Easter dinner and my dog was in Heaven with all her favorite people in one room.

I'm hoping that after this dog passes I can find a dog to be grandma to.

Do you think he might agree to fostering a dog for a short term? I get that you need a dog, but I also see why he might not want to make that commitment right now with so many changes going on in his life.
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Old 04-08-2018, 11:39 PM
  #15

DH is not open to fostering a dog. He wouldn't be interested in pet sitting anyone else's dog at our house either. DH is stubborn and is digging his heels in. I haven't given up, however. I see a therapist, and she is giving me good advice on how to handle all of this.
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Old 04-10-2018, 02:24 AM
  #16

Iím sorry for all that you have gone through.

A few years ago, I also went through chemo and the sickness that went with it. My dog was always by my side, even when I was in the bathroom puking my brains out. He was, and still is a huge emotional support for me, which is something that you definitely need, going through a major illness.

I might agree with the poster above about getting an older rescue dog, who could be that companion again. Hopefully, not too much training to do. You would be doing both a favor, saving a dog that needs its forever home, and giving you that support.

Sending you hugs...
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Dog
Old 04-10-2018, 02:58 AM
  #17

I've been given a few suggestions to get an older, rescue dog. If and when DH agrees to get a dog, that is probably what we will do. There is no way that he could handle raising a puppy again.

In the meantime he has dug his heels in and is refusing to get one at all. Sigh . . .
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