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I think I'm being irrational...talk some logic into me
Old 09-07-2019, 04:08 PM
  #1

I think I'm feeling overly emotional about this and I'm not sure why. PMS, I don't know?! What is logical in this situation?

Friend and I have been friends since childhood. In the past 12 years or so, she has lived about an hour away. Friend is always extremely particular about where we meet. It has to be exactly half way and she refuses to drive farther most of the time. (Halfway is in a not very nice neighborhood, with not much to do.) Since she had a kid 4 years ago, I have done more than my share of driving out her ways. She rarely comes out here because she doesn't like to "travel" and she's busy. I do understand that she has a kid. I think what bothers me is not so much that I go out there more, but she makes such a big deal out of coming out my way.

She is now 8 months pregnant. We had plans to see each other last weekend, and I had to cancel because I was sick. We said we could possibly see each other this weekend and I said Saturday was much preferable because Sunday is really busy for me, getting ready for some big things I have this week. She said Saturday was too much for her (she had 1 appt later in the day) and she has a slight cold, so Sunday is the only time it works for her. I asked her if she could do 11 so it isn't in the middle of the day. She said that was too early for her. She can only do 12 or later.

I'm a bit peeved. I technically could make it work and normally I'd like to see her. But it bothers me that she doesn't seem the least bit flexible or care that it doesn't work well for me. At the same time, it is probably the last time I'll see her before the baby comes. On the other hand, she is very whiney with pregnancy and with me not having kids (but wanting them) my tolerance for whining about pregnancy is low.

I'm just feeling very irritated about this and don't know what to do. I know that my reaction is out of proportion. I should probably just go and I might enjoy it. But I just had a tense conversation with her. Her solution is to minimize everything I need to do. I'm just annoyed that I am always the flexible one.

As I've said, I know this sounds petty. I can't explain my emotions here. But it probably is rooted in years of history.


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Inflexible friend
Old 09-07-2019, 04:11 PM
  #2

If I were you, I would wait to go all the way to her house after the baby is born. She sounds like she is a bit agoraphobic. Once new baby arrives, she wonít have time for much of anything for a bit.
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Old 09-07-2019, 04:13 PM
  #3

I think you have gone out of your way and need to stay true to yourself. Don't do what is not what you want and I would not be flexible on this.
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Old 09-07-2019, 04:15 PM
  #4

Yeah, not agoraphobic, she is just inflexible.
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Old 09-07-2019, 04:23 PM
  #5

I donít think youíre being irrational, I would be annoyed too!


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Old 09-07-2019, 04:27 PM
  #6

A question: Do you truly enjoy your time with her when you do see her?

If so, you have your answer as to what to do. If not, you also have your answer.

I have a very sweet friend who lives 45 mins away. She has a hubby and daughter. 9/10 times I went down to her to see her because her life was waaaay more busy than mine- not more important, but more busy. We rarely would do halfway meet ups. I bit the bullet and would travel to her. Which was ok 9/10s out of 10, lol. But she makes it worth my time so I didnt mind. What ended up happening thought is that our visits were less because of our own needs but just as important when we were together at her house or running errands in her town, ect.

There was only one time I got bothered with her and it was about a halfway meet up. She was bringing her daughter up to see a doctor the next town over and wanted to meet up for a half hour before the appointment. I told her I felt like I was an afterthought and if I wanted to meet up with her, I needed it to be more than a half hour as it was still a drive to the next town for me when I didnt have anything else to do there like she did. She didnt realize that but said to me, she thought that just being able to see each other even for that small amount of time was worth it than to not be able to see each other.

Wow- two totally different thought processes there. I didnt think about it from her perspective and she didnt consider mine. Now we know.

Anyway, her freidnship is a good one for me so i do make the effort. Is yours?
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Old 09-07-2019, 04:47 PM
  #7

Quote:
A question: Do you truly enjoy your time with her when you do see her?
Ugh, I don't know. Sometimes I really do. Sometimes I don't. She goes into this advice mode where she is going to fix all my problems. Like today she was trying to tell me where I should skimp in the work I need to do this week. How some of it wasn't important. Other times, it is nice to catch up.
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Old 09-07-2019, 05:41 PM
  #8

She sounds very very self centered. I would not make the effort at all.
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Old 09-07-2019, 05:59 PM
  #9

Thanks for the feedback. I was honestly thinking everyone would respond with something along the lines of "She has kids, you need to go to her."

I just texted her and told her that if she wants to meet up earlier tomorrow I'm happy to do that, but if not then maybe something will work out in a few weeks if she doesn't have her baby yet. I feel bad doing this. And I might enjoy seeing her. But I'm tired of revolving everything around what is easiest for her. Ugh, putting up boundaries is hard. I'll see what she says.
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Old 09-07-2019, 06:27 PM
  #10

She sounds overall very difficult but Iíd cut her some slack this time. I was miserable 8 months pregnant while I also had a toddler. I was sore and incredibly tired and driving 30-60 mins each way would have tired me right out. Personally Iíd compromise this last time and then re evaluate after baby is born.


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Old 09-07-2019, 06:41 PM
  #11

I think you did the right thing. If you can come to her or every single time on her schedule instead of yours she will probably continue to do this. It sounds like its overall a good friendship but at least once in awhile I think I would try to meet based on your preferences.

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Old 09-07-2019, 06:59 PM
  #12

Thanks for the thoughts. Yeah, I get that she is pregnant. If this was unusual behavior for her, I definitely would go out of my way more.

Her response to me telling her that I would be happy to meet up earlier, but not later?
"We can chance it for later and hope it works out. It seems like you're anxious over things so I hope you're well."

Whenever I put up boundaries, she says something about how I must be anxious, or upset about something else going on.

I just need to let it go. I can't change her. It's just one of those friendships that I really have history with and don't want to give up. But sometimes it can be so frustrating!
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Old 09-08-2019, 03:42 AM
  #13

Honestly, coming from someone in a very similar stage of life, it also sounds like you might have some jealousy towards her. I can get the same way about kids. I want to get married and have kids, I just havenít met that person. So when others whine about pregnancy or their children, sometimes it really irritates me because I wish I had those things. Or my favorite is the ďyou donít understand because you donít have a husband or a kidĒ. Or the friends that had a difficult time conceiving, but then shined their entire pregnancy.

Maybe Iím projecting my jealousy onto you :P
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Old 09-08-2019, 04:57 AM
  #14

I don't deny that there may be some underlying jealousy. I think I'm just frustrated that just once, she couldn't do what is easier for me, and then is turning it around and making it my issue. Either way, I do feel like my emotional response is out of proportion with the situation. Obviously there is more at the root of my feelings. But I need to move on. I wish I had handled it differently. I'm just not sure what that would look like.
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Old 09-08-2019, 05:04 AM
  #15

I think you made the right decision. You acknowledge that things are harder for her with the pregnancy and young kid and therefore have often gone out of your way to accommodate her in the past. Sometimes that gets tiring. If she was willing to either meet on Saturday or earlier in the day, you probably wouldn't be feeling irritated. It sounds like you have a good history of friendship but that part of the friendship includes an insistence on doing everything her way. I think her response to you was interesting---instead of thinking oh, the friendship is important to me, maybe I need to try a little harder next time, she puts it on you. Sigh.
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I am sorry. Friendship issues are no fun.
Old 09-08-2019, 06:08 AM
  #16

I would be irritated, too. There doesn't seem to be compromise on her part. C'mon - couldn't she get together even a half hour earlier?! And then to diagnose you with anxiety when you simply have a full plate and told her that in a mature way?! That seems really dismissive. It is like a power play game that you don't want to join.
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Old 09-08-2019, 06:58 AM
  #17

She sounds very controlling and has been even before kids. You sound uncomfortable around such a personality,which is very normal. I would get very tired of dealing with her and it has nothing at all to do with her having a kid.

Last edited by anna; 09-08-2019 at 07:15 AM..
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Old 09-08-2019, 02:35 PM
  #18

I had a lifelong friend who had kids long before I did. I always went to her because I knew she was busy. After I had kids too it got harder to match all the schedules. I still did the traveling because she had a six kids and I only had two. It WAS easier for me to travel. However, I started to feel like I was the only one making an effort and just stepped back and decided to let it go. The phone works both ways. We haven't seen each other in many years now. It makes me sad, but it takes two people to want to maintain a relationship. I finally determined she "just wasn't that into me."

Though I know our days of a close friendship are over, but I would be happy if we reconnected. I don't think she had any animosity or bad intent toward me. I think she enjoyed when we visited, but it just wasn't a priority to her. I get that. It's easier to do your socializing with people who live in your neighborhood, go to your church, etc. We have a little contact through facebook so it's all good. I'm guilty of doing the same thing to some of my other friends so I know it doesn't mean she didn't like me, it just means our lives drifted apart.
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