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Toxicity
Old 09-14-2019, 05:03 PM
  #1

Dear Friends,

For the past four years, our teenage Autistic son has been extremely aggressive with monstrous rages and relentless attacks on us. We have been battered and bruised by our own dear son.
My Mom and Dad have changed their tune and tried to be as supportive as they can, given that they live three thousand miles away. My Mom visited in June for a few days and we had a lovely time together.

Now, our son is trying his third anti-psychotic medication. It seems to be working. (Fingers crossed and praying every day.) The aggressive rampages have lessened and become less intense. Sadly, our son is always tired and he's walking around like a zombie.

Now that our son is getting "better" (hopefully), my Mom is back to NOT biting her tongue.

Everything is Fair Game to my Brutally Honest aka Toxic Mom.

In our conversations this week, my Mom has put on her honeyed voice and told me:

"You're fat. You need to go on a diet."
"Your husband doesn't have anything on his calendar. He's not working."
"Your husband's belly is huge. He needs to lose weight."
"Your son is better sleeping and a zombie."



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I am sorry
Old 09-14-2019, 05:14 PM
  #2

to hear this. It is so difficult when family is not supportive.
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I am sorry Persephone
Old 09-14-2019, 05:28 PM
  #3

Your mother is entitled to her opinion but I don't think she should share it with you, at least not so bluntly. JMO

I hope your son is getting better but will adjust to the meds and not be sleepy all the time.
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Old 09-14-2019, 05:40 PM
  #4

I do so hope your DS is getting better and things will work out once his meds are in his body.

I am sorry your mother is being her old self. I hope you can ignore her and know that you & DH are good people doing the best for your DS.
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Old 09-14-2019, 05:42 PM
  #5

Honestly, I'd limit what I share with her.


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Old 09-14-2019, 05:49 PM
  #6

I wouldn't take any calls from her. Clearly she does not know what is best for your family.
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Old 09-14-2019, 06:23 PM
  #7

I have become very guarded toward.the people who have hurt me. I limit what I tell them to limit what they can use to hurt me. I am very polite with them, but sometimes short when they frustrate me the most. I keep my feelings to myself and overlook what is said. Honestly, I sometimes take what is said to heart, because I am sensitive. Mostly though I already have it in my mind that they will say or do something I don't like and since I expect nothing less, I don't take their comments or actions to heart.

Some people.mean well but don't seem to know how to get their thoughts across.without causing hurt or anger. You may wish to remember that when you think someone such as your mother is being hurtful.
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Old 09-14-2019, 06:28 PM
  #8

I cut toxic people out of my life. Sounds harsh, but there is more to family than blood.

I hope the meds are a good fit. Sending good thoughts your way.
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Old 09-14-2019, 07:04 PM
  #9

I am so sorry. I know what its like to have a family that is not supportive and understanding and who puts the blame where it does not belong. I am sorry you are hearing such hurtful things.

I am glad to hear they have found a med that seems to be working. Antipsychotics are difficult because they have so many undesirable side effects. I hope the side effects dissipate and the med continues to do its job!

(((HUGS))) and continued prayers!

Nancy
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Old 09-15-2019, 05:10 AM
  #10

I'm sorry your mother is back to acting this way. It must be really disappointing after she was being supportive. Maybe try to remember the good times you had together on her visit and limit contact with her now. I hope your son adjusts to the medication and does well. He is lucky to have loving, caring parents like you.


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I am thinking that
Old 09-15-2019, 06:19 AM
  #11

with your son's disability your family is working with a team of professionals to find the best adaptations for him. There is probably someone on that team that works with you and DH to manage your son's behavior. Can you turn to them to get good advice on how to handle people like your mom? You are not the only one who has a problem with people close to you that are toxic. The professionals should have sound advice or they should be able to send you to someone who does.

How does she make these comments, since she it so far away? How about only communicating through texts? Is your DH as upset by the remarks as you are? If not let him read them and delete what is not helpful. Maybe if it is as insulting to him as it really is, then maybe have a trusted friend who could read and delete the hateful comments to protect you from it while you could still have contact with her? Otherwise, as harsh as it seems you will need to stop communication for awhile. You have already told her, she either will not admit how hostile she is or she doesn't care. Either way, for now, you need to make this stop.

Please don't take this the wrong way but your wording concerns me: Everything is Fair Game to my Brutally Honest aka Toxic Mom. Your mom is NOT being brutally honest. She is being cruel and somehow excusing herself from being a good supportive, loving mother!
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Old 09-15-2019, 09:45 AM
  #12

You know your mom is not going to give you what you desperately crave: Gentleness and unending accepting supoort. You can certainly be respectful to your mom without sharing all of your information, or while shutting her down by not reacting and changing the topic. Better to expect to need to redirect her and be pleasantly surprised when she's nice, than walk into the conversation hoping and leave disappointed.

Mom: You are fat. You need a diet.
You, lightly: Gosh, isn't that always the way? How 'bout them Bills?

Mom: Your husband doesn't have anything on his calendar. He's not working.
You: Yeah, we're working on it. Did you guys get any rain this week?

Mom: Your husband's belly is huge. He needs to lose weight.
You in a "what can you do?" kind of tone: I can't control his diet. I don't spend too much time worrying about things I can't control, because then I get anxious for no reason. Did you see that article about the Northern Lights? The pictures were so pretty!

Mom: Your son is better sleeping and a zombie.
You: Med adjustments are so tricky in people with autism! The doctors are helping us figure it out. I tried this awesome Chicken Pot Pie recipe that was so good, can I send it to you? Dad will love it!

This is SO HARD to perfect, but it makes a big difference in stress levels in the long run. Make a game of it: Every time she lobs a pitch at you, how are you going to send the ball back so that she chases it in the direction you want her to go? Good luck!
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Old 09-15-2019, 12:41 PM
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Old 09-15-2019, 02:36 PM
  #13

I am so sorry to hear someone else deal with this crap. My mom can absolutely overstep herself, in the name of "caring".

One time I actually told her that I didnt need her to mention my weight for me to know it wasnt good. I have a mirror, I know what I weigh and I am educated enough to know all about the health possibility that come with being overweight. Her mentioned it would not help me, and most likely would just make me stress eat even more, so the real help would be not mentioning it so that I had 1 less reason to stress eat.

Did this end it-no.

My son also has behaviors that I have been struggling with for years. Some have gotten better, some are worse, and and some are just different. But any time that my mom acts like I just haven't thought or for heard of her "big new idea" that will fix him (like fish oils, or special diets, over priced pseudo science clinics) it is VERY annoying. I want to get a shirt that says, "Been there, done that, did the research and came back again-guess what there is no magical cure so just SHUT UP, because I actually know more about my kid than you do!"

Know that while I dont have a fix-it-that-was-easy-button, that at the very least someone far away going through the same thing and sending you some empathy.
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