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Tough weekend- trivial compared to others
Old 06-01-2020, 03:05 PM
  #1

I know this seems so insignificant compared to what we are facing in our world, but I had a rough weekend with ex. We got into an argument because he wants to take the kids (4.5 years old) on a cross half country trip to pick up a 5th wheel camper with girlfriend. They will do it in 3 days. I have several concerns on top of COVID. But he is not listening and taking the kids. Itís technically his weekend so there is not much I can do.

He also mentioned that girlfriend (the one he works with and had the affair with) is his future wife. That was a gut punch. They have moved in together and are playing family with my kids. It also took him 7 years to actually want to marry me and itís taking him 1 year to figure it out with her. It just hurts so bad. It feels like I was just a convenient thing until something ďbetterĒ came along.

***DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK. GOOD LUCK. HE IS A PIECE OF WORK!!**

He has now made our children a business transaction. Thatís what it feels like. Iím really struggling with that. He canít even talk to me. Itís all done through email and text. We canít have conversations because he railroads me and treats me like crap. Especially if gf or mom is talking in his ear.


Itís been hard and Iím lonely. I really wish I had a partner to do this life with. Iíve started my depression meds again. I just donít want to get stuck in a hole. I still see my therapist- 1 time a month. I just saw her on Friday after the big fight.

Itís tough dealing with a narcissist and someone who feeds the fire.

Thanks for listening.


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Sorry
Old 06-01-2020, 03:11 PM
  #2

You are having to deal with him. Could you switch weekends with him? I could not imagine even wanting to go that far in a car with children that she for that long. Good luck!
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Old 06-01-2020, 03:19 PM
  #3

I am sorry, that is so stressful! I can't imagine why he'd even want to do that for so many reasons.

I am sure the shorter courtship with her is all about him. It doesn't reflect you at all. I am sure it is all selfishly motivated based on what his current needs are.

Sending hugs and support.
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Custody Agreement
Old 06-01-2020, 03:22 PM
  #4

What does the custody agreement state about travel? My sister-in-law has a child with her ex but for her and my brother to bring her to visit me in another state or for ex to take her across state lines they both have to sign stating it's okay. If one refuses to sign it cannot happen. It will have to go to mediation and the mediator makes the decision. He has never refused because we consider her our niece and can afford to do things with her that he cannot and he doesn't want her to miss out on those experiences.
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Old 06-01-2020, 03:32 PM
  #5

Quote:
It feels like I was just a convenient thing until something ďbetterĒ came along.
I disagree. You were the good thing. He's a piece of trash for giving you up and she's just as bad contributing to a marriage break up. Let them have each other! I bet they don't last long!

You deserve better! You will find better when your ready!

I agree about crossing state lines. I know several who had to get a signature from the other parent even if it was a day trip to the beach across state lines.


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Old 06-01-2020, 03:42 PM
  #6

There's NO way I'd let him take the kids on a cross-country trip in three days. That means basically sitting in a car the entire time for them. Way too long for children that young. On top of it, he's crossing state lines. I'd call my lawyer and look at my divorce docs to see if he can do this.



Good luck and keep us posted.



Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this.
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Old 06-01-2020, 03:55 PM
  #7

(((techgrad))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I would be really concerned- for several reasons- and I also wonder about travel in your custody agreement.

I'm so sorry that his stupidity is making you feel less worthy. You are amazing. I hope you don't let his decisions define you.

I'm glad you are trying to take care of yourself.
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I was in your shoes
Old 06-01-2020, 03:56 PM
  #8

some years ago. I know how it feels and I am sorry for your pain.

I think you are very wise to email and text only. So much less emotion that way than talking on the phone. Good for you!

If it is his weekend I sadly think you are right. There is not much you can do. But I hope I am wrong and he needs your signature to take them across the state line. I will say a prayer that your children can make the trip without getting sick or exposed to anything if that does happen.

Take care of you. Sounds like a good idea to get back on your meds.

Maybe if they do go you can stay busy with a project that will make you and or your children happy. Time will pass faster that way.
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So sorry.
Old 06-01-2020, 04:00 PM
  #9

I can't offer any advice, but you truly have had a rough weekend. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this on your own. I can understand when you say you wish you had someone to help you get through this. While your husband is flaunting his 'good life' you're in deep pain having to watch it all happen with no one there to turn to. Unfortunately, it seems he knows what will push your buttons and he's using that knowledge to get to you. I wish I could tell you not to let him know the pain he's causing, but the kinds of things he's doing and telling you are extremely hurtful.

I wonder if it would be possible to increase your therapy sessions? It might help to have more consistency so that you can talk about the your struggles closer to when they happen rather than weeks after they've come and gone on to other concerns. If you have to stay with the once a month visits, maybe you can write things down so you won't forget to discuss them with your therapist.

I hope you will soon start finding more resources to help you through the more difficult days.
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Old 06-01-2020, 04:35 PM
  #10

No answers, just hugs. Thinking of you.


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Old 06-01-2020, 04:38 PM
  #11

Iím also surprised the custody/parenting agreement doesnít say that both parties have to agree to crossing state lines with the child. If the agreement does say it and heís not honoring it, I would absolutely be taking it to a judge.

Honestly, dealing with him strictly through written correspondence is probably the best thing you can do. It will give you a record of everything that is said and nothing can be manipulated. It also gives you time to stop and really think before responding which you couldnít do on the phone.
I would suggest you keep a folder in your email labeled with his name and put all emails into it. Also, donít delete your texts with him. I would also screenshot pertinent texts- any involving this trip for starters and email them to yourself then also put them all into that folder.
It may sound crazy, but youíre protecting yourself and your children!
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Old 06-01-2020, 04:39 PM
  #12

Part of me would want to get lawyers involved and fight it. Part of me thinks it would be cheaper and easier to let him figure it out on his own. 3 days in a car with 2 4 1/2 year olds is going to be a nightmare.

As for the quick marriage, itís not you, itís him. Heís realized he canít live on his own and heís using her to fill the void. Plus, heís probably seeing how well youíre doing without him and heís regretting leaving you.

Just know that in all of this, youíre coming out the winner. Youíre better and stronger for all of this.
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Old 06-01-2020, 04:45 PM
  #13

I am sorry this is happening to you. I have read that most men remarry within 18 months of their divorce because they are not able to be alone and need someone to take care of them.

I agree with others, check to see if you need to sign off on any travel. If not, see if you can add it for the future.

I hope you will think of uping your therapy to maybe every other week if once a week is not an option. Can you call your therapist to talk with now? I know I have always had that option with my therapists.

I believe you will find a partner when the time is right for you. Know you have PT to share with, take care
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Old 06-01-2020, 04:52 PM
  #14

I'm so sorry. Been there done that with my jackass ex. Our decree didn't say anything about traveling.

I agree with what others have said. He can't make it on his own. It is soooooooo not about you.
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Techgrad
Old 06-01-2020, 05:08 PM
  #15

God heís a (really bad word) piece of work.

If your paperwork doesnít say he canít take them without your consent, I kind of agree with Greyhoundgirl that all that time in the car will drive him nuts. HOWEVER, is there a possibility that he will react negatively when the kids get crabby and antsy? Then I might put up a fight.

As to the quick marriage....sheís probably pulling the strings here. All things considered, there is a strong possibility she will divorce him within three years.
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Old 06-01-2020, 05:28 PM
  #16

Thank you all!!
1. Travel across state lines is fine. Itís out the country he must have permission.

2. I secretly kind of want him to take them because it will blow up in his and gf face so bad!!!!
I did give him the option to switch weekends and I would watch them. He is just trying to prove to gf that he is super dad. Hahahahaha ha!!!!!

3. I do agree about gf. He canít be alone and I think she is helping him pay for things even thought he makes quite of bit of money (double what I make). He took on a lot of debt when we divorced.

4. I do have the option to see my therapist before our next meeting. I am going to try some of the techniques we talked about and see if it helps before I reach out.

Thank you again for helping me see that Iím not irrational about driving a minimum of 12 hours each direction in the middle of a pandemic to get a stupid camper to put on land he goes to 1 time a month. Plus... there is a camper already there.

And a bonus laugh... the kids call the gf FeFe (short for her name) and it reminds me of a dog.
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Old 06-01-2020, 05:36 PM
  #17

Well FeFe and Nitwit can go pound sand! I mad for you too! I'm sorry techgrad and do help you find something pleasurable to do for yourself.
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no advice, but
Old 06-01-2020, 05:40 PM
  #18

I was also thinking about your #2. Child care on the road is no vacation. The gf might not appreciate being thrust into the mom-on-the-road role.
I'm sorry you have been put in this position. ((hugs))
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Old 06-01-2020, 06:05 PM
  #19

Fe fe.....Is he dating a poodle?
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Old 06-01-2020, 06:12 PM
  #20

Quote:
FeFe and Nitwit

Best names ever!

techgrad, you are not being irrational.
Take care.
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Old 06-01-2020, 06:17 PM
  #21

Yes, let him & FeFe take them. Choose to do something nice for yourself while they're gone and chuckle at the thought of being in the car for 12 hours each way with little kids! Not that your kids are bad...it's just a long time to be confined!
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Old 06-01-2020, 06:34 PM
  #22

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/52/5e...f13c0af483.jpg FeFe says good night
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Old 06-01-2020, 07:42 PM
  #23

I'm glad that you can see that he is not what you need, but that doesn't make everything easier. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with him, and are lonely on top of it.
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Old 06-01-2020, 08:40 PM
  #24

OMG. He deserves to be cooped up with two little ones. Imagine the whining. The number of bathroom stops. The arguments "He's looking out my window." "Are we there yet?"

NO ONE in their right mind would choose to do all that driving in 3 days. A road trip with kids can be lots of fun, when the focus is on the fun places you're stopping, rather than how far you can drive in a day. Apparently he doesn't know that yet. He will soon!

A really rough weekend for you would be to be to quarantine with him. Thank your lucky stars you were done with him before the pandemic.

I totally believe that he's a pain to deal with. Yes, email is the way to go. Everything is documented and you can think carefully about the wording.

(I have a nephew whose interactions with his ex are through some special court-authorized email program that saves everything so that neither party can change or delete things once they are sent.)

I hope you can relax and let go of the conflict about this trip. Clearly it is allowed and it is going to happen. Probably not much fun for any of the travelers, but not worth going to court over. Save your energy for bigger issues--and hope one never comes up.

Now to make some fun plans for yourself for the time the kids are away. Even if it's just sleeping late.
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Old 06-02-2020, 02:20 AM
  #25

Your feelings are valid so please don't think that the severity of it during this time shouldn't be as well. It is the well being of your children - that is quite important.

As I read thru your post all I could think about is how 2 kids that age are going to do in a car for 3 days straight?? I don't think he he really thought this through.
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