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Report Card Comments You'd Like to Make
Old 10-22-2010, 04:31 PM
 
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Report Card Comments You’d Like to Write--please take in jest!!

1. If I leave teaching, your son can take it as a personal accomplishment. Perhaps he can put it on his college resume you are already so concerned about.
2. I never truly embraced the philosophy that there are bad parents. I've come to reconsider that.
3. The only highlight of my day with your son is when he tells me the contents of your nightstand drawer.
4. I hear there's a parenting class at the local library. You might consider that.
5. Since your child is one of many pains, he doesn't stand out as much. However in a different class, he would be a first class PITA.
6. My migraines have increased this year and he's the reason.
7. Your child fills the entire 35 minute car ride's worth of conversation with my mother on a regular basis.
8. Your child is the reason I drink.
9. A good beating could solve his attitude problem.
10. When other students don't want to be her friend that is her problem, not mine.
11. You have a new puppy? Perhaps you might enroll both of them in an obedience class. Group discount!
12. Your child's self-serving personality and negative response to authority figures suggests a future as a felon.
13. Your child neither stands out for being obnoxious nor shines with excellence.
14. If your daughter were a color, she would be gray. If she were ice cream, she’d be vanilla with no sprinkles.
15. There are days where I wouldn’t be able to say for sure if your son was even present.

Any you'd like to write? As I sit here working on comments (and only periodically scanning PT I swear!) I really wish that I didn't have to be PC and could say what is on my mind!!!


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Old 10-22-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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daffodils, Thanks I needed a good laugh!
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:50 PM
 
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1. I now know why your child is the way he/she is...
2. Can you at least sit with your child for 15 minutes and talk...
3. Your child has the brains of an ice cube...


This felt good. Thanks
 
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An actual report card comment
Old 10-22-2010, 05:02 PM
 
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Way, way, back , think late '70's, when I first taught, I read the following comment from a previous teacher on one of my student's report cards.

This is verbatim and I've never forgotten it.
"Ronnie needs a younger teacher because he will drive an old one crazy."

I kid you not.
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Old 10-22-2010, 05:04 PM
 
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1. As your child's teacher, I will work to help him.....you might want to start working too.
2. Each night I start my evening wine toast with "thank god I only teach him for one year."


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Too funny...I wanna add...
Old 10-22-2010, 05:07 PM
 
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1. Your child is an extreme disruption and I'm quite honestly tired of hearing their voice. Can you consider moving so I can actually teach?
2. Yes, I know your child didn't have these grades last year. I'm actually TEACHING and making your child RESPONSIBLE for what they're learning.
3. I'm sorry if you think I'm being mean to your teacher. Last time I checked, I went to school for 5 years to do this job.

I'm sure I could come up with more....I can't wait to see what other's post!
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Heard of a few...
Old 10-22-2010, 05:14 PM
 
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I got these from the internet...I keep them handy for a good laugh!!!!

Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this student to breed.
This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Had two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other _____ and made it to conception.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 11/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Last edited by lil_bit; 10-22-2010 at 05:14 PM.. Reason: looked funny...
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I believe your child has a problem
Old 10-22-2010, 05:21 PM
 
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I believe your child suffers from LAS. (Lazy A** Syndrome)

No wonder your child is screwed up. You fell asleep on our field trip!
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Old 10-22-2010, 05:32 PM
 
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I personally love MissV's #1-there have been several times over the years I wanted to use it. One kids this year.

I can't put a gun to your child's head to force them to learn and do their work.
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Old 10-22-2010, 05:39 PM
 
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lil_bit -- man, that was really laugh out loud funny.


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Old 10-22-2010, 05:50 PM
 
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Once when I was struggling, I emailed my non-teacher sister asking her how I could politely say: Your child is dumber than rocks. She wrote back with this comment: Your child has cognitive abilities slightly lower than that of igneous formations.

Quote:
If your daughter were a color, she would be gray. If she were ice cream, she’d be vanilla with no sprinkles.
One of my colleagues refers to these kind of children as "the beige children".
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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* I do cartwheels in the hall when this child is absent.

* I am only the teacher.....I did not take this child to raise.

* That 30 seconds of bliss = 18 years of a pain in-the- butt child
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Lol
Old 10-22-2010, 07:13 PM
 
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I am loving these...

1. I am sorry your child does not need a 504. LSS (Little Sh!t Syndrome) does not qualify for one.

2. Wow. I guess the apple really doesnt fall far from the tree.

3. Do you approve what your child wears to school?
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:45 PM
 
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In response to wondering if it's your fault for babying him all these years: YES!

He is making a puddle of drool around his desk. This is being caused by him staring at me with an open mouth when I ask even the simplest of questions.
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Can you tell I had a long week?
Old 10-22-2010, 08:30 PM
 
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I am not a doctor, but when the entire class is lined up at the door, and your child is still seated and has NO CLUE about this, I'm PRETTY sure he has ADD.

Maybe your child would get more work done if she were EVER on time to class.

Your child appears to never have heard the word "no" before he entered my classroom. Should I send my Thank You note directly to you?

Yes, I know the medication affects his mindset, but "lazy little s#*t" is not one of the side effects listed.

I really think we can accomplish a lot this year if you consider a new tactic at home: discipline.

It's too bad you are the only person who likes your child.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:08 PM
 
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You get an A for Homework; however your child gets an F.

His horrible grades are all due to my failures as a teacher. It has nothing to do with your parenting or the fact that he hasn't had his medicine all month long.

Your child is having difficulty learning because her grandmother has passed away for the tenth time in 40 days of school.

Thank you for standing me up for 3 scheduled conferences so far.

Your child's musical shirt/shoes adds to class discussion.

I will bill you for my Advil.

School starts at 7:45 idiot, not 9:30.

Please complete all homework before taking your child with you on drug deals.
 
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:28 PM
 
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I am laughing my you know what off!!! I have tears rolling down my cheek. I can't wait to share these with my colleagues. We really need levity at our school since our morale is down the tubes.

My DH is looking at me like I'm crazy. He just said that he's glad I'm finally laughing this year

Lil bit... Thank you so much for making my evening. I gotta go back and read those again. This is great.

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It's after midnight
Old 10-23-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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These just crack me up...keep 'em coming
Let me try one...

I have observed that Johnny struggles with his pencil grip. Please consider that as his first teacher you can help to improve this problem by spending some time working on his fine motor skills and less time on your Blackberry.

Enclosed is a box on tissues. This year your child will develop social and academic skills appropriate for his age. One of the skills your child needs to work on is getting whatever is up his nostrils out without sending in a search and rescue squad.
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Old 10-23-2010, 06:22 AM
 
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Your child is grossly unremarkable.

Thanks for the laugh...I'll be writing report cards this week.
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Old 10-23-2010, 06:30 AM
 
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Thanks for that...I needed a good laugh!
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I would love to write this on too many...
Old 10-23-2010, 07:06 AM
 
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Your child needs parents!!!!!!!!!!!
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my turn, my turn. . .
Old 10-23-2010, 08:33 AM
 
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1. I had thought it was not possible to be dumber than dirt, I now know after meeting your child that's incorrect. Dirt looks like a scholar from Harvard next to your child.

2. If you could be bothered to respond to any of the notes that I have sent you over the last 3 months you would know that your child has not been completing homework, talks to the wall in class, and drives myself and his classmates to distraction.

3. I am aware you have a busy schedule. However, if you don't choose to work with your child on the skills they need this year they won't pass the end of the year test and will end up spending another year torturing another one of my teammates.

4. Your child is already repeating 3rd grade for the 2nd time. That might be a clue that your child isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

5. Your child has the potential to be the only person besides the teacher that can drive their car to 3rd grade.

6. Your child isn't just a few bricks shy of a load, he forgot where he put the wheel barrow.
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Old 10-23-2010, 03:06 PM
 
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Your child is an excellent candidate for home-school.

Can you please come back after your child:
a) drops out of school
b) has a baby at 15
c) gets arrested
d) is still living with you when he's thirty
- so I can say, "I told you so."

Your child has an incredible affinity for the lack of truth.
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Toys for Turds
Old 10-23-2010, 04:22 PM
 
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This year I have a student who wears a diaper to first grade because he has "bathroom problems". Which means mom has not potty trained him beacuse she tried when he was four and he kept having accidents.
1. I would love to ask her where potty training is in my first grade standards?
2. Your child is doing well in our contest "Toys for Turds"
It's going to be a great year!!!!!!
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Old 10-23-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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I teach ESOL so I have Kg - 5th grade.

I taught your oldest that's in middle school, now I work with five of your children. There is another coming next year that 4 years old. Are there more? Do you not know what's causing this? Please STOP it!
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I Wish.............Report Card Comments
Old 10-23-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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These are great! I really feel the same about some of my "darling" students!!
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Old 10-23-2010, 05:30 PM
 
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Thanks for the laughs!
I have a colleague who says her "challenging" children suffers from SARS--Something Ain't Right Syndrome!
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Thanks for the laughs!
Old 10-23-2010, 06:43 PM
 
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Your child breathes well.
That was the only positive thing I could think of to say one year.
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oh my pickles that is funny
Old 10-23-2010, 06:57 PM
 
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Your child breathes well... that made me spit out water! Too funny, I am going to struggle with 2 of mine! What can I say, they drive me crazy and are doing poorly in class.... ugh...
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your child BREATHS welll....
Old 10-24-2010, 07:19 AM
 
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I'm telling you- THAT is a good one!!!!
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:15 AM
 
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I had a child with serious behavioural issues and I wrote this in his year 2 report card:

"You can almost look at ______ semester as a flight trip. _______ still needs to learn to respect the flight attendants, captain and other passengers more, as well as keep seated when asked by the Captain. If ______ behaviour does not improve this plane is almost certain to crash, or have flight attendents and passengers jumping out the window. Please enjoy your flight! )

You'd be happy to know the principle did not let this go to the Parents!
 
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:20 AM
 
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When teaching year 2 I wrote this in a childs report card:

"Max is a very bright and intelligent young boy who has great things in his future. However, I would suggest next year you request a Grade 3 teacher that can read hyrogliphics."
 
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:27 AM
 
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A former colleague suggested these two:
- a village is missing an idiot
- return to the womb for further development
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