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Honest advice .....DH & bed
Old 02-15-2021, 08:56 PM
  #1

Iíd like honest advice & thoughts about an issue with my DH. Iím going to try & keep this short & to the point. 5 yrs ago we moved into our dream house & bought a new bedroom suit. The bed frame is quite large (has drawers under it) & sits really high up. Itís very pretty & I loved it for about 4 yrs. over the last year Iíve developed chronic back pain & a wonky knee that flairs up on me (both due to weight issue). I can no longer get into the bed without a great deal of hassle. Itís practically impossible. I usually have to pee at least twice during the night & then I really struggle to get back in it. We took off mattress toppers to lower it but itís still too high & not comfortable. My back & hips hurt a lot.

I started sleeping on the couch when my mom came to live with us because I needed to be closer to her to hear her if she needs help. Itís easy for me to sleep on & very comfortable. Now My friend stays here quite often to help with mom so I donít have to sleep on couch but itís comfortable. My DH has been getting very angry at me that I donít sleep in bed anymore. He knows all about the issues I have with the bed but doesnít seem to care. If I even suggest getting a new bed he gets very mad. Iíve tried step stools, a metal stepping with bars made to help with this problem & nothing works. The bed isnít comfortable for me & every night he makes a sarcastic comment about me sleeping on the couch. I donít know what to do. I truly miss sleeping next to my DH but Iím almost 50. I have aches & pains. The beds too high & not comfortable.


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Old 02-15-2021, 09:03 PM
  #2

You should get a new bed that you are comfortable in. Why wouldn't he want you to be comfortable? I don't get it. Otherwise, he shouldn't complain if you are more comfortable on the couch.
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Old 02-15-2021, 09:09 PM
  #3

Time for a new bed that suits both your needs.
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Time for a new bed
Old 02-15-2021, 09:18 PM
  #4

I understand it is a big expense but you need a comfortable bed and a good night's sleep. Your husband needs to give on this for your care and comfort. I am sure he would feel vary badly if you fell and hurt yourself at night as you are struggling back into bed.I am sure you can find a new bad and perhaps mattress that meets your needs as well as those of you husband's.
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My advice
Old 02-15-2021, 09:21 PM
  #5

Try and sell your current bedroom set to offset the cost of a new one. Regardless, you need new mattress.


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Old 02-15-2021, 10:35 PM
  #6

Definitely a new bed!

But also why is he so upset about it? Does he think you're making it up to have an excuse sleep on the couch? Does he have rejection issues he needs to deal with? Is he resentful of your pain that limits you?
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Old 02-16-2021, 02:06 AM
  #7

As hard as it is to spend money to replace something you loved, it is time for a new bed.

Sometimes men need to think something is their idea. Ask him what you think the two of you need to do. Just tell him, even though he already knows, that you are in pain RMD the bed is aggravating the pain. ďWhat do you think we should do?Ē Hopefully, he will say to get a new bed. If not tell him you miss sleeping next to him but the only solution is to get a bed that you can get in and out of easily.

Do you think you can use the same mattress? That will offset the cost of a new frame. You might also be able to get a smaller box frame for under the mattress. Our local mattress shop offers different sizes. We got a five inch so the dog has an easier time jumping up.
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Old 02-16-2021, 04:29 AM
  #8

You absolutely need a new bed. He may be covering hurt feelings with sarcasm, but that doesnít make it right. Your comfort is as important as his. It would be terrible if you fell and were seriously injured.

I hope youíre able to resolve this. Take care.
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Old 02-16-2021, 06:05 AM
  #9

Is it the bed or the mattress? You can buy shorter box springs (they come in different heights) with a new mattress- or convert yours to a platform bed with no box springs. Would that make the height easier to handle? I would not want to have to climb up in my bed either.

I don't know when beds started getting so high anyway! Do they think we are all giants?
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Bed
Old 02-16-2021, 06:18 AM
  #10

I could not climb into a bed anymore. I think you've been getting good advice. It doesn't sound like a new mattress is a solution as the bed frame sounds huge. Sit down and have a chat. Maybe you can find a bed that will match your set. The master bedroom goes along with his idea of your dream home. He'll come around. I think he's reacting to the stress in your home. Your back may be too.


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Old 02-16-2021, 06:20 AM
  #11

You need a bed where you both can sleep together. How long have you been caring for your mother in your home?

Is it possible your husband's anger and resentment is really about your mother's illness and the amount of time, care, and attention you are giving to her since she is living in your home? Plus, you've moved your good friend in to spend nights and help you.

Your husband is probably feeling a loss of privacy as well as missing the time you used to spend together in and out of bed.
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Old 02-16-2021, 06:26 AM
  #12

Wow! What a tribe we have here. Some great ideas and things to think about.

I do agree with trying to figure out if it is the mattress or just the height. My suggestion would be to see if changing or getting rid of the box spring would be a good solution.

The couch may be more comfortable, however it may be actually harder on your back.

Also, 50 is not "old." However, it seems like you have lots of aches and pains. Take care of yourself. You are under a lot of stress.
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Old 02-16-2021, 06:35 AM
  #13

I would sit down and have a heart-to-heart with DH. Does he see you getting into bed at night? Men are "problem solvers", so ask him what he thinks some options are and see what he comes up with. If the idea is his, he may be more willing to go along with it.

He just misses you and isn't looking at everything else.
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Old 02-16-2021, 05:58 PM
  #14

Tell him if he wants you to sleep in the bed he is going to have agree to purchase a new mattress! Good luck! My heart goes out to you. Being uncomfortable in bed and not being able to sleep with your DH are both the pits!

Nancy
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Just my take
Old 02-16-2021, 06:31 PM
  #15

My husband is a police officer who is on graveyard every 3 months for 3 months at a time. Heís been at his department 6 years. He also hates our bed. He says itís too soft and hurts his back. If it was up to him, weíd slept on plywood!

We started sleeping separately when he joined this department. I also workout in our room super early and wouldnít be able to do that if he was in our bed.

It works for us. Our relationship is gone and we both get a good nights sleep. Works for us!
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Old 02-17-2021, 07:02 AM
  #16

I was going to suggest something like this, but you said you've tried similar products without success.
https://step2health.com/pages/step2b...20%7C%20%24199

Younger people don't think about it, but as we age, proper bed height is a big issue. Too low isn't good either. My wife and I faced a similar issue about six months ago when we had to replace a toilet. We discovered that most nowadays are ADA-compliant, 17-19 inches from the floor to the seat's top, to make it easier for those in wheelchairs. We both agreed that we wanted standard height which is slightly lower.
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Old 02-17-2021, 11:02 AM
  #17

I read your post before but wasn't sure how to respond. Your post touched me because of some of issues with my husband and I. My guess is that your husband is hurt and just longs for you to sleep with him. He may understand yet not realize how his sarcasm affects you. These little getting older probelms hurt. I'm a little older than you, and I do struggle. My husband struggles too in different ways, but I think I'm more like your husband. I try to be understanding, but I get frustrated. When I get frustrated about his struggles, I am not as patient. I try. I want to be, but somehow I'm not. My husband is great concerning my issues. He is very understanding and able to show me how much he cares. He shows me that my issues will not get in the way of him loving me. One difference is I didn't grow up with people in my life that had physical difficulties, but he did. His mother had several health challenges, and to him, that was just the way it was. I don't know if that is why his attitude is that way, or if he's just a better person.

I've had bladder issues at night and I know you don't want that struggle of getting out of bed when you just have to go. I have aches and pains and I know some furniture just doesn't work for me. My husband is a truck driver so our schedules are not exactly favorable for sleeping together every night, so I know what its like to long to sleep with my spouse. Instead of getting another bed, can you have your husband put your bed on the floor instead of the bedframe? If that won't work, maybe you can get a different frame and use the same headboard? We put our bed on the floor when our dog had surgery once she was on her way to recovery. We now have a platform frame instead of a boxspring and that made the bed the right height for me. Some furniture just isn't comfortable for some people. We just got rid of a fairly new living room set because I couldn't get in and out of it comfortably. I can get in and out of the new set because it is more supportive and bonus my husband likes it too. Our old bed was unbearable for my husband but we both love the newer one. On a side note, can you use baby monitors to hear your mom so you do not feel you need to sleep on the couch to hear her? I hope you both can work together to solve this problem. Maybe approach it with him as, "I want to sleep with you. I know you love our bed, but the bed is the problem. Can we work together to fix this problem?"

Last edited by twin2; 02-17-2021 at 11:34 AM..
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