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I am “Beyond Hurt”. Not hiding from it
Old 11-10-2018, 12:33 PM
  #1

I’m the one who posted as “beyond hurt”. I decided not to be a guest anymore about this devastating thing that’s happened in my life. I guess I was embarrassed. I don’t know.I’m such a emotional mess. Thank you to those who responded to my previous post. your words, wisdom, encouragement, support mean a lot to me. I seriously don’t know How to process this.

To make matters more difficult my H ( i’m going to refer to him as H as he is not my DH right now) had to return to work The very next day after I found out and confronted him. now he’s going to be gone for three weeks. It wasn’t an option whether he had to go back to work he had to go back... and here I sit dealing with this bombshell That has exploded in our marriage. I’m so hurt, angry, confused. I just feel completely broken. The questions, the “what if’s”, the things that are dawning on me now that I know....All of it is weighing me down so low. And then I get really really angry I just want to punch him in the face I want to scream...why....why did u do this. Then I just cry. The tears stop Then something pops in my head & I start all over again

I do have my best friend who staying with me for a while and it is a big help but I’m so lost. I looked up some marriage therapists last night and I got some names and numbers. I’m going to have to go see somebody before three weeks. I guess I’ll go alone until he comes back.


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Old 11-10-2018, 12:37 PM
  #2

What a tough situation, you’ll get all kinds of advice and opinions from people, meaning well. Just take some time to process everything. It must be such a shock.
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Old 11-10-2018, 12:38 PM
  #3

Oh, what a "treat" for him...he gets to be out of dodge away from you and the whole situation for 3 whole wks while you're furious and fuming about it.

Again, so sorry this happened. If I was a betting person, I'd bet BIG money that all those times he was out of town for "work" in that state she lives in, he was staying with her because it's just so coincidental and works for his situation. So it probably was sexual. If anyone thinks men have affairs just to solely hold hands and kiss, then I don't know what to think. Men aren't going to go through the trouble of affairs just to do that. They're going to do what's bad about it: (I'm toning it down here because I had something else written), act like the sugar daddy or the big baller throwing their money around on the woman, etc. Half or most of the times he went to WV probably wasn't even for work. It was just his excuse to say.

I'm so mad for you.

Last edited by MAsped; 11-10-2018 at 12:57 PM..
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Old 11-10-2018, 01:08 PM
  #4

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Of course you don't know how to process it! This is quite a kink thrown into your life when you didn't suspect a thing. I'm so sad for you. I hope you are able to find your way through this mess and come out the other side stronger. I'm glad you have a friend with you. You need time to process this and decide where to go from here. We're here for you.
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More info...
Old 11-10-2018, 01:15 PM
  #5

The only reason I know he didn’t have anything physical is when I say he’s at work he’s actually on a tow boat. He gets on the boat on a certain day and gets off on a certain day. Also, the messages that I read that my friend screenshot don’t indicate he’s sleep with her. It’s more the emotional betrayal that has rocked me. His conversations with her. The sweetness he was showing her, All while being angry with me. Treating me the way he has been. Soooooo effed up.


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Old 11-10-2018, 01:27 PM
  #6

Huge hugs. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I think therapists are a great idea. While he's gone, I'd focus on finding a therapist for just you. If he wants to work on the marriage, let him organize the marriage counseling. If he doesn't, you can see how willing he is to work on things. It's OK to be selfish.
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I vaguely recall this thread,
Old 11-10-2018, 01:41 PM
  #7

but do not recall details. Hope whatever it is that you are able to overcome your disappointment and act in your own best interests.
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Old 11-10-2018, 01:42 PM
  #8

Im so, so sorry.
Im glad that your best friend is there.
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Sorry
Old 11-10-2018, 02:17 PM
  #9

I have no advice, but I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My thoughts are with you.
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Those three weeks...
Old 11-10-2018, 02:30 PM
  #10

Will be a blessing for you. He won't be gaslighting you, and turning it to "all your fault" and "you don't understand".

Hopefully, you'll get three therapy sessions in, and not listen to him b*tch why you are going. At least it will give you time to figure out what has to be done to make this right

You are a good women. I have friends would clear out the house during these three weeks, and he'd be coming home to only a dirty litter box.

Selfishly use this time for you. That's all you can control.


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Old 11-10-2018, 02:32 PM
  #11

I have a close friend who went through this. Their marriage survived, but it was HARD work and many times I wasn't sure if they'd make it. Lots of counseling and patience from him before she could trust him again.
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Old 11-10-2018, 02:58 PM
  #12

He's not there, but I would write down my feelings every day. Write it as a letter to him or just get your thoughts down on paper. You will forget a lot of how you felt day to day by the time he gets home and he needs to know the rollercoaster ride you have been on since learning about this. I also find writing down my feelings can be so cathartic. Praying for you!
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Old 11-10-2018, 04:37 PM
  #13

I went through something very similar to your situation 12 years ago. It was year 16 of my marriage. My dh, (we are still together) had an emotional and sexual relationship with someone from his work. What I would like to say is that we tried counseling together as a couple and it worked. I went on my own way more than dh and I did together and it was amazing for me. We were having some issues before he brought in the "other woman." Our marriage today is better than I could have ever imagined. Not that I want to go through that again. I am way better myself for the counseling and a much stronger person. I am sorry you are going through this, it does stink!
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Dear ky
Old 11-10-2018, 04:48 PM
  #14

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what I would do because I've never been in your shoes. I am encouraged that you are going to counseling and working on you. You are the only one you can work on and change anyway. He may decide to go to counseling with you, he may not. I would also visit a divorce lawyer in these 3 weeks. Knowledge is power. You may never need it, but it's good to be informed either way you decide. Take someone with you to take notes. You are too emotional right now.
Best of luck and take care of you.
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You are strong...
Old 11-10-2018, 06:09 PM
  #15

This is not your fault, and don't let him even attempt to push this on you. Even when people have issues in their marriage, it is cowardly of him to seek comfort from anyone else but you. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect. I hope that you get the tools to deal with this and move forward through counseling and with the support of your friends. I am sorry he was called to work, but this time apart might be a good thing so you can expel your emotions and work through what you need by yourself first. Hugs to you.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:07 PM
  #16

I'm so sorry you're going through this.


Honestly, I'd almost be tempted to clear out the house like Tawaki said.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:48 PM
  #17

My heart just aches for you. I think going alone for now is a good idea. I am glad you have a good friend who is able to stay with you!

Nancy
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Hugs
Old 11-10-2018, 08:24 PM
  #18

No words of wisdom, other than take care of you. Take time to process. I agree that this time without him is a good thing. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.
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Thank you
Old 11-10-2018, 09:33 PM
  #19

To everyone. It helps to read the comments & words of encouragement to be strong. We had it out pretty good today on the phone this evening. Or I should say I gave him a serious piece of my mind when He called during one of my very angry cycles. We talked again & things were calmer. I now this is a very long process we’re getting ready to undergo. But he seems very committed to doing whatever we need to do. I guess time will tell.
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Sounds normal
Old 11-11-2018, 06:52 AM
  #20

I went through something similar years ago. Your reaction/feelings sound very normal in this situation. I can remember waking up and taking two steps before the crushing reality knocked me to my knees and I sobbed for 20 minutes. This situation leaves you questioning what was or is real and what has just been a huge lie.

I remember someone telling me early on that I would walk through this fire and come out the other end a better and stronger person. I wanted to slap that person and tell them to get out of my life. Honestly I am a better and stronger person because of this situation. I would have happily changed for the better without this particular situation happening but it is what it is and life has gone on.

You will get through this and better days will come. I promise.
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