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BioAdoptMom3 BioAdoptMom3 is offline
 
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Another piggyback on questions....
Old 09-04-2019, 06:27 PM
  #1

If a close friend or relative asks you a question such as "Are you OK?" or "Why are you feeling so emotional today?" Etc., do you look at it as a loving question from a person who is truly concerned for your welfare, or do you consider it rude? I have asked that question before, almost always to a close friend if I am concerned and never really thought it could be considered rude. I am grateful when someone asks me (someone close) if I am OK. Sometimes I even feel hurt if I am obviously upset, absent from something I usually attend, etc. and no one asks if I am OK. Maybe I need to reconsider my questions.

Nancy


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Old 09-04-2019, 06:41 PM
  #2

I think it is usually obvious how it is intended. I think even a close friend or relative could ask that in a caring way as in "Are you okay? I'm concerned about you" or in a hurtful way as in "Are you okay? (What's up with you? You're acting weird.)"
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Old 09-04-2019, 07:10 PM
  #3

You are a person who likes to share feelings and feels validated when others notice your emotions . You see your questions as caring. Others are more private and guarded about their feelings. To them, your questions are intrusive and nosy. They feel smothered or violated by your hovering. These people choose to whom and when they share their feelings.

Two people in a friendship might vary greatly in how close they think their friendship is.
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My perspective
Old 09-04-2019, 07:34 PM
  #4

I often get asked that question when I am quiet (I tend to be quiet in situations that are new, with new people, or out my comfort zone), and it does hurt my feelings because to me it implies that who I am as a person is not enough for the person that asked the question. It is usually followed by a negative comment like, you look like the world is going to come to an end, smile, or things canít be that bad. It also makes me feel as if I am not wanted around because I donít match the character that they think I should be.

Well if I look that way or am acting differently, I feel that a friend would go about it a different way to show they have concern and care such as strike up a positive conversation with me starting with how was your day, weekend, etc.

I donít know if the above relates to your question, but I posted because I can relate to being the friend that feels not good enough for her friend.
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:33 PM
  #5

I would prefer "how are you doing?" "Are you okay?" often strikes me as if I don't look like I'm okay.

I've been under a lot of stress lately which hurts my sleep which, combined with my allergies, is causing bloodshot eyes. I've also been known to have RBF syndrome. (resting bitch face if you're not familiar.) I've been asked "are you okay?" a lot. I'm happy people care, but it feels like maybe I'm not coping as well as I should be. "How are you doing?" feels interested without feeling like they're saying I look bad.


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Old 09-04-2019, 08:33 PM
  #6

Quote:
You are a person who likes to share feelings and feels validated when others notice your emotions . You see your questions as caring. Others are more private and guarded about their feelings. To them, your questions are intrusive and nosy. They feel smothered or violated by your hovering. These people choose to whom and when they share their feelings.
I COMPLETELY agree with this!

Quote:
I often get asked that question when I am quiet (I tend to be quiet in situations that are new, with new people, or out my comfort zone), <SNIP> It is usually followed by a negative comment like, you look like the world is going to come to an end, smile, or things canít be that bad.
I experience these two things as well- I used to experience them much more often. I began trying to keep a half smile on my face so I didn't look so "not ok." I think I have RSF-- resting sad face.

So I often find those types of questions extremely annoying-- especially when they come from someone who I know but who is not super close to me. I know sometimes they are meant in a kind way, but usually the people asking me are not people I want to share information with OR I am just fine and they are over interpreting my face.

Even if a close friend asked me that, I still find it annoying but would try harder to hide it
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:49 PM
  #7

Very thoughtful replies. If someone asked me if I was ok, I'd say yes, even if I wasn't. No way would I tell someone if I wasn't ok just because they asked. I'd have already told them if I wanted them to know.
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Old 09-05-2019, 01:55 AM
  #8

I agree that itís usually obvious how itís intended. From a close friend, asked Iím a caring way, Iíd appreciate it. Or even if itís someone Iím less close to but someone who I know is genuinely kind and caring (had a good-hearted colleague like that last year). From others, Iíd be irritated.
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Old 09-05-2019, 04:06 AM
  #9

If it is a close friend or relative who is not a busy-body, you know it is because they care. Otherwise, you must wonder.

People react differently to that question, but if people think about the motivation behind the question, maybe they wouldn't feel so upset that they were asked.

Next post from someone:
WHY DOES NO ONE CARE WHEN I LOOK UPSET?
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Old 09-05-2019, 06:20 AM
  #10

I wouldn't be bothered - I might not tell why if there was a reason, but I would appreciate the asking.

I think way too often people are just looking for a reason to be bothered. By some of the conversations on here, I don't see how we can ever say anything to anyone without annoying them. I refuse to live that way and I don't take people's comments as offensive very often. If I wonder if I should be offended, I ask - and not as a way to start anything less than a discussion. I hope that people treat me the same way, and I find that they usually do.


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Old 09-05-2019, 08:34 AM
  #11

Quote:
I would prefer "how are you doing?" "Are you okay?" often strikes me as if I don't look like I'm okay.
I agree with this. I particularly dislike "Are you ok, you look tired" No, I'm fine and I'm well rested but thanks for telling me I look awful.

Quote:
absent from something I usually attend, etc. and no one asks if I am OK.
Again, I don't want someone to assume there's something wrong just because I'm not attending something. "We missed you at choir practice last night, hope you'll be there next time" gives you the option of opening up or not.

Mostly I think it's a matter of knowing your audience. If you don't know a person well enough for them to open up to you, don't ask.
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Old 09-05-2019, 10:43 AM
  #12

I agree with Cassytree and others
I, personally, find those questions offensive and nosy, even it they came from a close relative, or friend. How dare someone even analyze me and assume something is "wrong" just by looking at me.

If there every came a time that I wished to share something with a close friend or relative, I would be the one to bring up the topic. Otherwise, all is well in my life, so don't even assume/ask!!

I would never consider opening up, or even being friends, with someone who takes it upon herself to be "on emotional patrol" of others hovering around, looking for people with problems, happy when they do find something, overly happy to have others share personal details.
-I'm not saying that you are one of these persons. I'm just giving my opinion of how I would react to a person who does this.
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Old 09-05-2019, 11:00 AM
  #13

Quote:
I would never consider opening up, or even being friends, with someone who takes it upon herself to be "on emotional patrol" of others hovering around, looking for people with problems, happy when they do find something, overly happy to have others share personal details.
I don't go around asking how others are doing if I think they seem a bit off. That would make me uncomfortable. But I know some people do this because they really care. How do you know the difference between asking out of concern and asking because they want to hear something juicy?

Quote:
I think way too often people are just looking for a reason to be bothered. By some of the conversations on here, I don't see how we can ever say anything to anyone without annoying them.
I think that's well-put. Some people are offended when they think someone is being too nosey. Others are offended when they think people must not care about them because no one has bothered to ask how they're doing. It seems like people are determined to be offended no matter what.
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Old 09-05-2019, 01:05 PM
  #14

Quote:
How do you know the difference between asking out of concern and asking because they want to hear something juicy?
I've been able to tell if someone "wants to hear something juicy" because they go and repeat it to others and are known for doing so. I don't want to be included in a grapevine of personal information being spread, started by someone that repeatedly acts concerned, only to go and repeat it to others. (We had a librarian who did this all the time, shocking what she would quickly share, bringing up other people and their problems without being prompted/asked).

I'm guessing that the people who really care don't repeat the problems to others!

Quote:
Some people are offended when they think someone is being too nosey. Others are offended when they think people must not care about them because no one has bothered to ask how they're doing.
I think some people feel better sharing and others are just more private with their lives. Yes, it would be hard to tell!
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Old 09-05-2019, 03:00 PM
  #15

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts! Its just something I have never really considered, as long as its someone close. I would never ask a new co-worker, someone in church I don't know well, an acquaintance, etc. But....this was indeed very eye opening for me, probably because my mom was always the same way I am. She could form a friendship with the person behind her at the check out in Publix in 5 minutes!

Nancy
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Old 09-06-2019, 01:53 PM
  #16

I don't think it is rude, and just shows a concern for someone you care about.
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Old 09-06-2019, 02:34 PM
  #17

I don't find that sort of question rude. I tend to look at questioning as more someone being concerned. I realize I'm in the minority (based on my earlier post), but I truly believe people like to know that others care. Not all questioning should be taken as someone being nosey.
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