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hate being blindsided!!
Old 03-31-2012, 07:36 AM
 
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Ughhhhhj yesterday started spring break....I was so happy and excited to have a week of doing nothing and then I get home and SO says we need to talk about us. He says I need to clean and cook me and that's why he's been sad latley....really?!?! I suppose that is just another thing I am a failure at....


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Old 03-31-2012, 07:48 AM
 
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Been there! Sorry about that.


Sorry if this is too dramatic, I told my husband yesterday that has long as neither one of is arrested or incarcerated, gravely ill, or we are in complete financial crisis (basically no money in the bank and in debt out of our eyeballs) I am not sweating the small stuff anymore. Life's too short!
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:49 AM
 
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I know my house gets neglected while I am busy teaching and my DH just has to understand that - yours should too! I'd tell him he too could pitch in.
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((hugs))
Old 03-31-2012, 07:54 AM
 
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That stinks. ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:59 AM
 
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Think of it as an opportunity to simply talk--As stressed and overworked as you feel--he may be too. It could be time to look at what needs to be done--who can do what--and even find time to make for you two to be together doing nothing or "fun" stuff you could both enjoy. You might also agree on thin gs that don't need to be done for you to both be content. Best of luck.


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Old 03-31-2012, 09:14 AM
 
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I would tell him the SAME thing!
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Living in a mess is depressing, but it is not
Old 03-31-2012, 09:26 AM
 
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your job alone to deal with messes, and be responsible for the contents of the stomachs of others for all evening meals. At least that is how I see it, and how it has worked out in my marriage of nearly 15 years. We figured out our division of labor really early on in our marriage after a few false starts. It helps that we are both inherently tidy people.

Here is an example of one of our false starts... Somehow packing for trip became my job, and I did not really question it until I forget to pack DH's hairbrush. When he complained, I told him that I would just be responsible for my own packing from now on, and he for his. Issue concluded.

We have assigned days for being responsible for supper. They have been the same for years, so there is never a question of whose night it is. How the meal is provided is completely up to the person whose night it is--take out, cooking, leftovers, eat out, or the not to be overused cereal night. The other person has to clean.

We decided on which chores to be responsible for years ago, and we stick to it. It is a lot better than trying to figure out whose day or week it is to do whatever. I do the shopping (food and clothes), gardening, pet care, trash-recycling-compost chores. He does the vacuuming, finances, repairs.

I read a study about how couples who figure out a fair division of labor and stick to it are the least stress and most satisfied a few years ago. I could have told them that.
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Blue heron...
Old 03-31-2012, 09:54 AM
 
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Is Cereal Night real, or is it just a fantasy in my own mind? I am counting the days til my kids, who are both in college, move out, so I can have Cereal Night every night! The dream of Cereal Night is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes-seriously!!!

P.s. Your husband's hairbrush problem made me think of my second graders.... "my mom forgot to pack my homework!"
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You can make cereal night a reality this
Old 03-31-2012, 10:54 AM
 
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very night if you would like. Cereal, fruit, milk--its a balanced meal. Those who do not want cereal are welcomed to figure out something else.

As for the hairbrush--we both are fast learners .
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:06 AM
 
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Thanks for the replies...today he works tomorrow we will talk. I agree living in a mess sucks but we live in a house that used to belong to his family so I never reel right moving anything he days he doesn't care what I gi but won't help when I ask for it....just looks like this spring break is gonna suck


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Old 03-31-2012, 11:16 AM
 
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Maybe you should talk to him about who does what around the house. I have lots of cleaning plans for spring break (but don't worry, I'll have down time as well) You should have down time too. At my house, I do all of the cleaning and most of the cooking. It's no big deal b/c he takes care of all of the outside stuff. I despise yard work.

It works for us but might not work for everyone. You also might want to consider hiring someone to come in and clean for you every so often. Even once a month to do the stuff you don't want to do would not cost very much.

I laugh about the packing, blueheron. My mom used to always pack for my stepdad. I never pack for my DH. I don't know what he needs or wants to wear!! He's always throwing stuff in a suitcase the night before we leave!
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Old 03-31-2012, 12:27 PM
 
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Quote:
I suppose that is just another thing I am a failure at....
It appears there are a lot more issues here besides cleaning and cooking.
You are being made to feel like a failure and also made to feel guilty.
To me it sounds that it is indeed time to
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talk about us.
and to decide what the two of you want out of your relationship. In a healthy relationship neither one of you should have to feel sad or like a failure. Both of you should be contributing to your shared happiness. If this is not happening, it is time to reevaluate the relationship. Communication is very important in any good relationship, but when you feel blindsided, communication has obviously not been happening.
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Old 03-31-2012, 02:02 PM
 
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Since I am retired I feel I'm old enough to share advice on this
My husband was raised by an at home mom who devoted her life to her family and home.
I was raised in the same environment.
We married-both full time working and life was not the same - we made choices-along came our family and wow what a change. We sat down and divided up the household duties inside and out. We agreed we would not mention the duties to each other until Sat. noon. If mine were done I was free to do as I pleased-the same with him. We could offer but did not have to assist each other. The children eventually had duties too. Now we are both home all day together-we still do things for each other. I have a maid! We eat out often and life is great. I think one of the biggest problems I see is girls going out with the girls and men the same. We didn't do this. We went out as couples.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:22 PM
 
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(((((((HUGS))))))))

It sounds like you just need a break. Sorry you're feeling blindsided. Relationship issues have a way of surfacing though, so better to open up a dialogue and really listen to each other.

I' ve been married for 20 years and we've had our ups and downs along the way. When I went to work full-time, my DH and I also divided up the workload. If you're both working full-time then fair is fair. The workload should be 50-50.

You mentioned that you didn't feel comfortable moving things around since you're living in his family's home, but they're not living there anymore are they? If you've moved into this home then it is now yours. Make it your own. I would move things around on purpose just to make the point that it is your space now. Redecorate if you have the funds. It's easier to take care of something you feel ownership of, and when he sees you puttering around the house he'll probably have ideas of his own and join you.

Also, my DH feels loved when he comes home from work and has supper waitiing for him on the table. I do NOT always feel like cooking, and many times I reach for the most convenient thing in the freezer, but I do make an attempt to sit down to dinner with him because this is one of those moments that makes him feel connected to me and the kids. Ask your DH what is most important to him, and try to make a point of doing that one thing. Start small, the little actions sometimes mean more than the bigger ones.

Good luck
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I'm sorry
Old 03-31-2012, 07:05 PM
 
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First, don't get too down on yourself. I have to wonder how much cleaning and cooking he is doing... Does he clean and cook? If so, then he may be justified in asking you to do your part; if not, then you may need to have a different type of conversation.

After reading your second posting, it seems that you and I were in similar situations. I moved into my DH's house the summer before we got married. I, too, felt that there were things I would like to do cleaning wise and organizing wise - but didn't want to overstep my boundaries. Funny...he is reading this over my shoulder and said, "everything had a place, baby." ! Now most of those things have a better place! HA! Anyway, I really think that the best thing you can do is explain how you feel about the fact that it is "his" house....if this is a long term, serious relationship; then there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to organize some things. I really felt odd about the "his house" thing in the beginning, too. For me to feel more at home and comfortable in "our" house, I had to be given the leeway to change some things and put my personal touch on the place. He was more than happy to give me that leeway and only complains a little now when he can't find something.

Perhaps you need to talk about household responsibilities and who will be taking care of each task. I will admit that DH and I kind of fell into more gender-specific roles (I do the cooking and light cleaning, he does the yard work), but that is what each of us feels comfortable doing -those are the chores we like. We both chip in on major tasks and we each pick up the slack when one of us is swamped with work. If he is asking you to do all of the work around the house, it doesn't really seem like he wants a partner....more like he wants a mother or a maid. If that is the case, you should probably discuss that.

I hate the fact that you think you are a failure at many things. I really hope that your partner isn't making you feel that way. If so, I would call it a major RED FLAG.
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:24 PM
 
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Trumansmom...you prob understand it the most. We are in the same situation getting married in a month. No he doesn't make me feel like a failure unfortunately my job is a year from you know where...when tour prinicipal makes you feel like a failure and pits teachers against teachers. He has also a high stress job and are both just overwhelmed. The final details of the wedding, jobs and dealing with the fiesta I'd living together.
I don't think I realized how badly I needed this break. If we wernt so poor..and seriously poor when our salaries combineprobably would qualify us for free lunch Haha I would walk out of this job and its not because I despise teaching I am still loving the profession just not loving the adminstration!
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Sincere question
Old 03-31-2012, 07:41 PM
 
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Are you making excuses for a guy who is a jerk?
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:48 PM
 
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No..he is probably one of the most sincere sensitive guys I know. He is always doing something sweet or to surprise me. When I say he has a high stress job I mean he deals with death often and this week he had two people die in his arms. So he has been under a lot of stress too. The house has been neglected by both of us. I think I was more blindsided that he brought it up right when spring break started instead of waiting and letting me get back on track with it this week.
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wha?
Old 03-31-2012, 08:11 PM
 
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Hire it done.
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so sorry
Old 04-01-2012, 08:37 AM
 
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Teaching is so rough and takes all the energy we have that it is really rotten that your "partner" hit you at this time.

You are NOT a failure. Your not cooking and cleaning is not what is causing him to be sad. He is sad because he is sad or he has made the choice to be sad.

I get this all the time. "I would be happy if you did ......" I have done that and instead of him being happy I get another "I would be happy if you only did ......."

Sometimes we can't be everything to everyone. How about turning it around and telling him you have been sad lately because he needs to do this or that.

I have realized that my "partner" does what he can to deflate my bubble on purpose. It is to keep me off center. Now that I realize this I have been working on not "reacting" or "responding" to the negative energy.

I do hope that you are able to work it out. Since I don't know much about your relationship I can't really respond, other than to tell you, to do what you need to do for YOU and not for someone else. If you aren't happy no one will be happy.

Also I have a magnet that I recently purchased that says: "The first two husbands were just practice."

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: My first response was before reading all the way through and seeing you are getting married in a month. Wow, that is stress in itself. Also, it was before I read that he is in a job that deals with death on a daily base.

Now knowing these two factors, plus the fact that you moved into his family home, I understand a bit more. Do not take all of the blame or responsibility. Sit down and talk to him and see what you can do to work it all out. This is a stressful time for the two of you. Divide up choices. Make some "us" time and do what you can to laugh together.

Good luck.

Last edited by Nunziata; 04-01-2012 at 08:59 AM..
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Old 04-01-2012, 08:50 AM
 
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Is moving into your OWN house something that is realistic? A house that you both have no vested interest in? A house that will become both of yours?

If not, and you are given the option of making this house your house then take this option and do what you need to do to make the house feel and be yours and his.

I have learned never to rely on anyone, but myself. A cold thing to say, but a reality. If I need something moved and ask for help and I don't get it then I find another way to get it moved. I might call a family member or friend or pay someone. I will not allow negative energy to make me sick.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Do not allow your spring break to "suck." Do something for yourself. Call a family member or friend and go out to lunch or dinner. Laugh, talk, enjoy. Read a book. Stay away from the negative energy.

In a relationship it takes two to make or break it. Two people need to participate. One person cannot do everything. One person is not at fault totally. We may contribute, but we are not totally responsible.

I have been in your shoes so I know how you feel. I'm tired of carrying the world on my shoulders. It is someone else's turn. I am now worrying and taking care of me. This doesn't mean I don't get down, but I am working on taking charge and be responsible.

Blueheron, I love what you wrote, especially about the hair brush. I too had a situation like that and did the same thing you did. Pack your own things and I'll pack my own things and things have been much smoother since then.

I also have cereal for dinner some nights. On nights I am not home I make my own dinner. It works out fine for me. I get to eat what I want and not have to worry about hurting his "feelings" because I don't want to eat what he made.

I used to leave the food in the kitchen on the stove to keep it warm. One night my husband asked me if there were seconds. I told him in the kitchen. He wanted me to get up and "serve" him again. I was annoyed. I solved the problem by putting all the dishes on the table so the next time he wanted seconds I just passed him the bowl.

Sometimes we have to take a look at what we are doing and change it to fit our needs. Sometimes we allow others to have too much control and power over us because we are so anxious to please. I am a people pleaser so it is very hard for me to stop feeling guilty and resentful at the same time. I am working on taking care of me. Hopefully he wants to be with me. If not, I am comfortable in my own skin and alone.

I hope Reflect that you are able to sit down and be honest with yourself. What do you want out of this relationship? What makes you happy? Then work on being happy. Life is too short to be miserable at home and on the job. There has to be some happy moments.
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