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Haley23 Haley23 is offline
 
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Ending a friendship
Old 05-15-2022, 05:25 PM
  #1

I posted last summer about this friend. When she lived in this area, we were extremely close and saw each other at least 2-3x per week. She moved to another state several years ago now- with the pandemic I've lost count- maybe 4? She had actually asked me to consider going with her and being roommates- that's how close we were. For a variety of reasons that wasn't a good choice for me. I guess because our friendship was based on hanging out in person and not so much in texting/calling (we'd pretty much only text to make plans), it fizzled out very quickly after she left.

About 1x per year, she reaches out and invites me on some sort of trip. Most years I've had legitimate "excuses" for not going. Last year, I didn't really have an excuse and ended up just basically saying something to the tune of, sorry, that doesn't work for me.

I know there are different views on this and some feel there are friendships where you can just "pick off right where you left off" when you see an old friend even if it's been years. My awkward introverted self just does not picture that happening. Maybe if we communicated regularly and just weren't seeing each other in person, but we don't really do that either. Technically, I can afford it, but I'd hate to spend the money, leave my cats, and end up stuck on an awkward/not fun trip.

This year, I do have a legitimate excuse for not attending the trip she wants to do. It's during the dyslexia class I will be taking. At this point, is it kinder to just keep providing an excuse and exchanging pleasantries, or be honest with her that I really have no intention of ever going on one of these trips? It's not that she necessarily did anything wrong (clearly I haven't tried to keep up the communication either), I just feel the friendship was a "fun season" and has come to a natural end.


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Ending a friendship
Old 05-15-2022, 05:44 PM
  #2

Always so tricky. You don’t want to ghost her, but there’s nothing there for you.

I think it’s okay to tell her you don’t want to travel…..make up an excuse: Covid, introvert, finances. She may still “need” you or it may just be history.
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Old 05-15-2022, 07:03 PM
  #3

I agree with Keltikmom. You can tell her you don't want to travel. Is she traveling with a group and inviting you? Or does she just want you as a travelmate? If she's traveling with others, I'd probably just use your class as an excuse this year and maybe she'll get the message by next year. If she's wanting you to be her travelmate, then I'd let her know you aren't up for vacationing together so she isn't holding out hope.

I think there are definitely friendships that can pick up where they left off, but not all of them. Sounds like you know this isn't one of them. I can see if being hard to decipher that if your only way of finding out is to travel.
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Old 05-16-2022, 03:01 AM
  #4

Is there a way you can spend some time together without going on a longer, expensive trip? I certainly can understand not wanting to spend days with someone if you're not sure how it would be but, on the other hand, finding good friends doesn't necessarily get easier as you get older. If you were once that close, it might be worth putting some effort into maintaining the friendship. I would, at least, tell her why you keep turning her down.
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Old 05-16-2022, 04:43 AM
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Old 05-16-2022, 04:50 AM
  #5

Totally, totally get what you're saying. I know others might disagree with what I'd do.
First, do you ever travel to her area? Or would/could you for reasons other than seeing her? (Like tourism or it's an interesting area.) If so, I might just mention, hey, traveling together doesn't work for me but if I ever get down to your neck of the woods, I'd love to see you.
Second, do the reverse. Tell her you'd love to get together for dinner if she ever makes it up to your neck of the wood.
I know that I've gotten a lot of advice on here that has encouraged me to keep up friendships. I know the intention is good but am also assuming that like me (a fellow awkward introvert) you probably have an adequate amount of friendships that you maintain IRL and that this one is just not working for you anymore. IME that's totally legitimate. People and friendships change. If you only hear from her one time a year, thankfully it's not a big deal.


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Old 05-16-2022, 04:56 AM
  #6

I like Cruxian's idea. It doesn't "end" the friendship, but leaves things up in the air.
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Trip
Old 05-16-2022, 08:16 AM
  #7

Give her the excuse again. You might change your mind in the future about going.
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Old 05-16-2022, 05:51 PM
  #8

Thanks everyone! I wondered if I was being mean, sort of "stringing her along" but it seems most people don't feel that way. I will give her the excuse, even say that I'm not going to be available for traveling the next couple of years because this dyslexia thing is a multi-year thing, and say that I'd love to see her if she's ever back in the area.

She lives in Seattle; so it's feasible that some day I would end up there as a tourist, I just don't have any specific plans to do so nor would I really have a reason to be there other than visiting her. There are certainly touristy things to do there, just not somewhere I've been particularly drawn to for any reason.

I actually have another friend who moved literally in the same month, to the opposite side of the country. BUT, she and I still talk to each other on a regular basis. If it were her asking, I would have a totally different outlook on it/wouldn't feel weird about it.
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