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maryteach maryteach is offline
 
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Here is the update on my brother
Old 10-26-2020, 12:48 PM
  #1

Two months ago, I posted a long thing about my older brother

http://www.proteacher.net/discussion...d.php?t=639542

and so many people responded with advice and kindness that I thought I would let you know how everything turned out:

I got to talk to him the day after I wrote that post and boy he really was a mess. He thought my mother and brother were still alive. They've both been dead for over 13 years. He just had lots and lots of dementia. He sounded horrible, very congested and scratchy and old. He said he could hardly walk from the living room to the bathroom. He was really bad. So I called Adult Protective Services, told them I was clear across the country and there was no one else to help. They always want to do the least intervention they can at first, so although I knew he had to be removed, the neighbor had come back on the scene and was helping again and I knew they were set on trying this first, sort of like the Least Restrictive Environment on an IEP, I guess. So the social worker got him Meals on Wheels and a visiting nurse and my husband and I bought a flip phone and a few hundred minutes and mailed it to him, letting the neighbor know it was coming.

For about a week, maybe two, the neighbor was helping him out and my brother even called me a few times. Then it happened. I knew something would happen.

My brother was walking around with a loaded .22 pistol in his pocket, with the safety off, and accidentally shot himself in the knee! It was actually the very best thing that could have happened because that really got them to take action. For one thing, the police come out if there's a gunshot involved. They called me and said that the medics were taking him to the hospital and I told the officer about all the guns and the dementia and the cop said there were bullet holes all over the living room and dining room! He'd been filling them in with putty and the walls were dotted with white putty dots. He assured me that the Red Flag Law made it so my brother would not be allowed to return home unless the guns were gone.

The gunshot was a very clean wound, went clear through his knee and barely knicked his patella. The doctor said it was actually pretty minor, but they did surgery, which was mostly cleaning it up and stitching it.

After about a week recovering at the hospital, they moved him to an Orthopedic Hospital while they determined placement, as it was plain to everyone at that point that he needed to be living in a memory care unit. And they found him really the nicest place. And he was going to be moved there the next day, but the evening before he went, he went into respiratory distress, which turned into respiratory failure, which turned into being back in the regular hospital, on a ventilator. That went on for about 3 days and at that time, I was told I could not sign a Do Not Resuscitate because I didn't have Medical POA. He came off the ventilator and was returned to a regular room about two days later. I talked to him a couple of times but he was really bad. He thought he was in Red Lobster (he used to manage one).

It wasn't long after that that he went into respiratory failure again and this time they let me sign the order. I don't know why it was okay then but not before. Anyway, I signed it and he died within hours. The doctor told me that people in advanced dementia often lose the ability to swallow and they choke on their own fluids.

So my sister can no way go in that house, but my little brother did and he got all the fishing gear. My sister's husband went in and got all my mom's paintings and he got the china and crystal, which I thought was crazy but he wants to sell it. The neighbor cleared out all the guns and is going to sell them. I told him to keep two of them and he could have half the money from the sale of the others. I'll give the half that we get to my brother and sister. He didn't want half the money, but we want him to have it. It's a lot to sell the guns, plus he took care of Mike.

So--now how to settle the estate? I don't want to be the executor and my two siblings who are in town cannot. So who do you call when there's no one to do it? SOMEONE does this. Who is it? A friend said there's someone called the Public Administrator that would handle this. If anyone out there is still reading this and happens to know, I would love to have the information. What I would like is for the state to close out his estate and use his estate to pay all his bills and sell the house. I have no idea what his financial situation was but if it's possible for me to get any money that's left over, so I could give it to my brother and sister, I would like to do that. That may not be possible, or even fair, if the family doesn't lift a finger to settle things themselves.

So I got him removed from the hospital and cremated and put his obituary in the local newspaper. An old childhood friend posted a lovely tribute. My family wanted the ashes disposed of. No one, including my husband, wants his energy in their house. So that really bothered me. I contacted the funeral home and asked them if they could save just a tiny thimble of his ashes for me until I can come to town, and I have no idea when that will be. They were so kind and told me they would. I would like to take them up Pikes Peak and scatter the very few of them around and say goodbye to him. He was a big asshole to a lot of people and he wasted his enormous potential, which is very sad. But he was my big brother and I'm glad I got to tell him I love him and I'm glad that I didn't go flying off to Colorado and I'm pretty okay with everything. It's over, at least his physical presence in the world and maybe now my brother and sister can have some peace and start to heal. And who knows, maybe they'll see a few dollars. Maybe, maybe not. We'll see what happens.

And if anyone knows who I need to call to settle this estate, I would love to know.

Thanks to anyone who stayed with me this long and thanks to everyone who replied to the first post.

Mary


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Old 10-26-2020, 12:57 PM
  #2

Talk to those nice people at the funeral home. They help people all the time to figure out what to do next. It”s a disturbing, emotional, life changing time for many people when someone in the family dies. They probably can direct you to the resources you need.

If by any chance he left a will, you can contact the law office that did the will and they could direct you.
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Old 10-26-2020, 01:01 PM
  #3

My sincere condolences on the loss of your brother, Mary.
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Old 10-26-2020, 01:06 PM
  #4

I知 sorry for your loss
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Old 10-26-2020, 01:18 PM
  #5

Very sorry for your loss.


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Old 10-26-2020, 01:27 PM
  #6

Your story brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. May your family soon find peace.
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Old 10-26-2020, 01:33 PM
  #7

I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Old 10-26-2020, 01:35 PM
  #8

I don't have any advice. I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad you had the opportunity to talk to him when you did.
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Thanks for the update
Old 10-26-2020, 01:35 PM
  #9

I am sorry for your loss.
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I'm so sorry
Old 10-26-2020, 01:48 PM
  #10

What a stressful time you've had. Please accept my condolences.


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so sorry
Old 10-26-2020, 02:00 PM
  #11

I don't have advice but sending you my sincere condolences. You have been through a lot in dealing with this ! So very sorry but now you can move on too.
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Sorry
Old 10-26-2020, 02:04 PM
  #12

That was a really challenging situation, and I'm sorry for your loss. I would contact a funeral home or an attorney to help you settle the estate. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Old 10-26-2020, 02:32 PM
  #13

You have been through a lot! I'm sending my sincere condolences and hope you can find peace now.
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Old 10-26-2020, 02:55 PM
  #14

I am sorry for your loss.
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Old 10-26-2020, 03:14 PM
  #15

I'm so sorry that you've been through such an ordeal. You sound like you are ok right now and I love the idea of going to Pikes Peak to scatter some of his ashes. Take care of yourself.
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Old 10-26-2020, 03:47 PM
  #16

No advice, just sympathy for the loss of your brother and the circumstances around his death
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Condolences
Old 10-26-2020, 04:25 PM
  #17

So sorry for your loss, and praying for peace for you and your siblings. God rest his soul.
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Old 10-26-2020, 04:33 PM
  #18

Thinking of you. What a lot to go through.
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Old 10-26-2020, 04:33 PM
  #19

I am sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
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brother and executer of will
Old 10-26-2020, 04:54 PM
  #20

My brother also died too young. You will find that all the wonderful memories rise to the surface and the sad ones begin to fade just a bit. I'm glad you got to speak with him and let him know that you cared about him before he passed.

As for hiring an executer, be careful. The executer is entitled to a percentage of the estate where we lived in Georgia. You could probaby look it up on line for your state. My mother had made a new will with a shady lawyer who planned on taking quite a bit of money from the estate. He had named himself as the executer. Luckily, I found out through a slip of the tongue that the lawyer made (small town) and Mom made a new will with someone else and my eldest brother became the executer. I think it is pretty easy to do it yourself in that you file the will with the probate court and they give you the next steps to do which isn't really that much. It can all be done long distance, even getting a real estate agent to list the house. (The agents have a list of cleaners who will go in there and clean up the house and a list of lawn care professionals who will keep the yard clean.) I think I'd just be very careful with getting someone else to do it.
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Old 10-26-2020, 04:59 PM
  #21

You have been on quite an emotional roller coaster. I知 glad you were there for him at the end.

I知 sorry I don稚 have any advice on how to settle the estate.
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Old 10-26-2020, 05:34 PM
  #22

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that sharing his story has helped you deal with his passing! Best of luck trying to find someone to help settle everything.
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Old 10-26-2020, 05:40 PM
  #23

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a horrible situation to go through. It might be worth consulting a lawyer about how to proceed.
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I Remember Your First Post.
Old 10-26-2020, 05:41 PM
  #24

My condolences on the passing of your brother. I am glad you had the chance to speak with him and let him know you cared. Such a nice neighbor he had to help with his care.

I don't have any advice on the estate.
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Old 10-26-2020, 05:43 PM
  #25

What a journey you have been on. I知 sorry for your loss, but glad there will be some healing for your brother and sister.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:40 PM
  #26

I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. You and your family have been through so much. I think it might be a good idea to contact an attorney.

(((HUGS))) and may God's peace be with you.

Nancy
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Old 10-27-2020, 07:25 AM
  #27

Thinking of you during these challenging days....you are a wonderful sister!
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Maryteach痴 bro
Old 10-27-2020, 08:38 AM
  #28

I知 so sorry this is happening. My only suggestion is that you (or your siblings) should really try to stay involved in the disposal of his property. You can hire a probate lawyer and stay in touch with them.
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