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Old 08-11-2006, 01:26 PM
 
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First of all, I came to a difficult decision and decided to stop looking for a teaching position. Our schools start next week and I am still unemployed. It's not going to happen for me. Time to face reality and accept it. After all 40 school districts, principals, administrators cannot be wrong -- it's not them - it is me. I am a loser, a failure, unemployable. I am not teacher material.

I shreaded all personal documentation, responses, evaluations, and other highly sensitive material and took all of my binders, work folders, idea folders and etc were dropped off at the garbage center . I offered my teaching manuals, and personal books such as First Year Teachers Survival Kit, Helping Children Learn and other materials to the library but they didn't want them. So I tossed all those new books as well. I gathered up all stickers, stamps, happy, goofy post -it notes, cutesy teacher paper and incentive/rewards toys and left them at the desk of a local preschool here in town. Extra markers, pens, pencils and like stuff will be sent with my daughter for their collection bin at her school. These will be sent to their adopted sister school in Mexico.

You would never know that an educational major lived in this house - everything is gone. I now have 10 shelves of empty space in my office- to go along with my empty heart.

To think that strangers hold my destiny, future, dreams and strongest desires in their hands based on what is written on paper is so unjust. These strangers have never seen me work a classroom and don't know what I can accomplish. These people don;'t know of my abilities, my desire and commitment to children. They don't know that I form and maintain rapport with kids and help them learn or that I work hard and truly care about kids. To them, I am just an old lady who went to school because she had nothing else to do.

So, needless to say, I'm upset my husband is furious with me and doesn't want to or can't understand what I have been through for 2 years now. He doesn't know that I sent out over 40 packets this year alone and have made countless calls and emails to people who do not have the courtsey to say drop dead. Letr's not even discuss those on-line applications. He throw it up in my face, "30,000 dollars wasted and YOU can't get a job? What the he** is wrong with you? Why aren't you trying to find a job?"

I'm humiliated, angry, furious, demoralized, hurt beyond belief and so sick, that I am unable to keep anything down, and depressed beyond belief. Morally, spirtually, emotional and physically beat and down trodden. I am the world's biggest loser and oblivously so undeserving of a person to be denied a opportunity that I so crave. Yet, you see people in classrooms who have absolutely no reason to be there .

I applied to every single school, district, principal, private, public, alternative, charter and yes even a few Catholic schools for a position. It isn't that I didn't try - I combed through listings after listings - on various educational websites - I even checked out partime positions - anything. I cannot teach or work with pre-K - as I am not certified for that, just K-9 grade. I have 4 endorsements for middle school, science, language arts, social studies and business - I am not bi-lingual or special education, that's where the jobs are. There is no way I can return to school for these additional certifications. I don't have the money and I put everyone where thru hell when I earned my certificate. I ignored everyone for 13 months and left them to their own devices and it was rough. Let's face it, I am old, decrepit (sp) and useless to the world. I have let everyone down, and I'm a lousy role model for Arielle - being a failure. I don't take failure well and I am struggling with the acceptance of this. I just can't stop crying.

I cannot go back to subbing - it is not a option for me. I did it for over 5 years and nothing came out of it except snide remarks, fodder for gossip and "you're still subbing?" I don't need the additional abuse or humiliation of returning as a sub for other teachers - plus in this district they hired three of classmates and no way am I going to sub for them -- this would be to demoralizing for me and my pride wouldn't allow it. I know, pridge goweth before a fall but still, no way.. I worked two districts last year, this one and more that was multi-cultured and with a diverse student population - so I have tried everything I can think of.... but it is not to be.

I don't know what I am going to do - I don't even know if I can get through this weekend. I am so upset and sick and very depressed.
I am a loser and I feel like getting this tatooed on my forehead so the whole world will know too.

Good bye and good luck to everyone -- thank you for reading

Pam


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Take a breath
Old 08-11-2006, 01:56 PM
 
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Take a breath. I kind of know what you are going through. School has started in my school district too and I didn't even get an interview for a job. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure when you went to school you were doing it for yourself, your family, and the numerous students you wanted to help to grow and learn. For whatever reason, it hasn't happened yet. Maybe it never will....but it may. If it doesn't, that doesn't make you a loser. You may use what you have learned while going to school in another profession. Your husband is probably worried about money. Who isn't? Don't be so hard on yourself. If you truly have given up, think about what you like to do. Take some time. When you have been so focused on doing one thing, it will take awhile to start thinking in a different direction. I have decided that if it is meant to be, it will happen. I don't mean that I think I can just give up trying. I am looking into other areas though and I know that whether I wind up teaching or doing something else, I am still the same person who started this journey a few years ago. So are you.
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Old 08-11-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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No - I am done -- I have had it. I received no calls, emails or anything this year -- that is a big clue to my failure.

It hasn't happened, and for me - it never will. God or waiting or anything else isn't going to change it. That is just the way it is.

I cannot afford to waste any more time or energy on a fruitless search - so I will take any job - even if it is going back to being alunch time bus boy. I have no pride, or self esteem left -- so it doesn't matter.
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feeling sorry for yourself???
Old 08-11-2006, 02:51 PM
 
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ok... in our area a teacher can sub for years before getting hired. teaching positions are few and far between and you have to work your way in to get a job. there are literally thousands of teachers looking for jobs....in our district we can have 20 people apply for one job. it sounds to me like you have a bad attitude and this may be coming across in your interviews and with the schools you sub in. call yourself a loser and people will think of you as a loser. you need to change your attitude. one of my favorites quotes is "if you change the way you look at things...the things you look at will change". i suggest you read one of dr. wayne dyer's books - either "the power of intention" or "inspiration". as long as you have this kind of attitude you will never get what you want out of life. try his website: drwaynedyer.com good luck.
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Pam! Know that you are not alone!
Old 08-11-2006, 02:58 PM
 
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Pam! I am so heartsick reading through your post! You have to know that you are in a very tight market where you are - I'm sure it is even tighter than where I am - it is NOT you, and you are NOT a loser - you have already proved yourself to be a competent, caring professional - like you said, those administrators have not seen you in the classroom - they don't know what a great job you do teaching kids! They have no idea what they are missing by not hiring you! (I know that it is not an option right now, but if you were able to move, I am sure with all of your qualifications you could quite easily get a job in a high-needs state such as Arizona. I'm just trying to say that when there are hundreds of applicants per job, as I bet there are where you live, that it is almost impossible to even get an interview! So, it is not at all your fault!)

I don't even know your husband, but I get angry hearing how judgemental he is and how upset he is making you! (Sorry - I hope it doesn't make you mad that I feel that way!) People who have never had such a hard time finding a job, just have no idea, I guess - I know that the only one in my family who understands is my brother, because he is going through the same type of thing, just in a different field.

You are NOT a bad role model for your daughter! You have gone back to school as an older student and even earned more certifications. I call that being a GREAT role model. It takes courage to do that as an older student, and even more when you have a family, too.

I do not blame you for not going back to subbing. I know that it is very difficult to be in others' classrooms when you wish it was your classroom, your students. I am wondering whether I can do it again, too, and I have not been at it as long as you have. I will only do it because it is the most money I could make right now and I have no other skills (besides early childhood education skills) - I haven't even worked in an office!

I was feeling so desperate to make money before school starts (some large unexpected bills this summer), that I called a nanny agency I had gone through 18 years ago! I felt like I was just going backwards in life. But to go through her agency again, I would have to get CPR/First Aid updated first...so, that can't even work for me right now...I think I'll try plan B...

I have to admit, I have felt like ripping up my teaching certificate, (Well, at least a *copy* of it) since I have felt like it is useless.

I replied to another poster today who did not get the job she had applied for (outside of teaching) and told her about my talk with an employment specialist. I was e-mailed some assessments that help you think about what you would like in a job/what skills you possess, and I would be happy to send these to you. It could help focus you in another direction - when you are ready to do that, of course. I am going to work on them tonight.

Pam, I am worried about you!! Please e-mail me. Please make an appointment with your doctor ASAP. He needs to get you on anti-depressants. (I think I will need to go back on them, too. I have taken them before, for long periods of time, but have been off them for several years.) In the meantime, St. John's Wort (supplement you can get at drugstore) could be very helpful for depression. (I've used it myself.) I hope you will be around someone at all times this weekend. Do you have some friends around there that you could go out with? Do you have a pastor/minister or church members to talk to?

We all care about you! You have been such a kind and helpful person to all who have posted here. Please, take care of yourself, and e-mail me tonight. (If I don't hear from you within a couple of hours, I am going to e-mail you, to make sure you are okay.)

A million hugs,

Elise


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Old 08-11-2006, 03:01 PM
 
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I really found your response very hurtful, harsh and very unjustified especially since you do not know me.

I was just laying out my cards -- yes, maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am so angry that I was not given a chance.
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Old 08-11-2006, 05:17 PM
 
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Oh Pam,

I'm so sorry! My heart is just going out to you so much! I'm sure your so sick of hearing that it will get better and that there's a reason and I know how you feel. So I won't say any of that but just know I'm here, thinking of you and saying a little prayer for you! Your a good person, a good mother and a good teacher. You know all these things are true! Don't let those strangers holding that piece of paper make you believe any different! I'm here if you need someone to lean on! If you need to chat, my e-mail is jencarp79@yahoo.com.
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Old 08-11-2006, 05:32 PM
 
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Although Iteachk might not have sounded nice, it seemed like she kind of hit on something that needed to be said. We all have bad instances in life and we all go through the feeling sorry for ourselves moments. It's how we pick ourselves up from these and move on that count. It's how we can examine ourselves and see what we need to do to move on. I suggest that you read a book titled "Who Moved My Cheese." This was a very good book that was suggested to me a few years back. I read it and loved it. Maybe it can help you deal and cope. I am amazed that your threw away all your resources. Even if you know you are done searching there are other ways to have gotten rid of the stuff and helped your family. Ebay is a great way to earn money back rather than throw them in the garbage. You are right when you say that we don't know you but we do know you through your posts. Yes you have tried very hard and it is very discouraging. It is very easy to take the why me route but it takes courage and strength to move forward. You say you are worried about Arielle seeing you like this and I understand that. You have to find it within yourself to find peace and acceptance. If Arielle sees that you can cope and do this, you will be building those same coping skills in her. Try the book and if not try something to help you move to a positive direction. You do admit to feeling sorry for yourself and anger from not being given a chance. I do not blame you for this one bit. It is okay to have these feelings but I think what Iteachk was trying to get at is that when we feel this for too long they begin to inhibit our chances. I felt some of these same feelings for a couple of months awhile back in a different sense. I have been trying to sell my home for months. I spent two months saying why us, what is wrong with our house. I found that nothing was wrong with our house. In fact after feeling sorry for myself for two months, I finally decided to move on. My house hasn't sold but I'm okay with it. Maybe it will be meant to be, maybe not. Once I became okay with it, it doesn't consume other parts of my life. So now I positively try to accept this house as home and relax. It really helps now that I have a smile on my face. I can say during the two months I spent many nights in tears and it wasn't all over the home. Some was over the feeling that others didn't like me. It wasn't me they didn't like it was my unhappiness. I might not be able to have everything I crave and desire. It feels good to have others spend more time and be less critical because I am more positive now.
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Old 08-11-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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((((HUG)))

Pam, I do not want you to think that it is just you. I also live in Illinois (Chicago Land), and I have friends who have been looking for jobs for three years now. The demand is down. My principal said that their was 250 applicants for 1 teaching job. I know it is tough, just hang in their. Maybe you can do Sylivan or other tutoring places or even be an aide just to get your "feet wet' a little bit more and try again next spring/summer, or look a few weeks after school begins for more listings because in my area the classrooms are over crowded and they are often splitting classes and hiring more teachers.

Please, do not be so hard on yourself. Hang in there!
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Old 08-11-2006, 07:19 PM
 
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that you're' not alone. I am also staring at the beginning of the school year without a classroom of my own. I called schools, I submitted countless resumes ... and still no luck. In many areas there is just too much competition out there for teachers. It's not that we're not good enough or meant for the profession. It is just bad timing.

If I've learned anything it is that, unfortunately, your connections get you far in the job hunt. Networking is key - and still challenging. I was passed up for a position because the principal gave it to a friend. That stung - but, there's nothing I can do but try to work other connections - however small.

I urge you not to give up hope. If there is anything that school's need it is people that have a great passion and desire to be there everyday. You clearly have that desire. Now, think of some other way to get in the door and make some connections that can help you in the future. Subbing definitely sucks, that I know. But maybe you can get a job as a teacher's assistant - working in the classroom may remind you of why you want to be a teacher in the first place.

And remember this, you are not "useless to the world"! You are a mother - by very definition you are your child's greatest teacher. Buck up, if not for yourself, for your daughter. She learns from your example. So tonight, lick your wounds - have a pint of ice cream, or a treat, or a stiff drink for that matter. Comfort yourself - be sad, be frustrated, be angry - but then stop and remind yourself that it isn't the end of the world. Everything happens for a reason - we may not know why we aren't getting what we want right now, but maybe, just maybe, it's because we are meant to do something greater.


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Old 08-11-2006, 07:46 PM
 
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Pam,

I have followed your posts and understand how you feel. These boards are wonderful, but people who respond sometimes come out of nowhere and don't know where you are in this "process" of finding a teaching position. So they sound trite when they try to offer help. You know what? I'm thinking back to sometime in April or May when I was feeling very down about my job search and angry, and this is going to sound weird, and I hesitate to write this, but, I started to shake it all out of me. Literally....my head, my arms, my body...I just stood there and shook. I shook out the years I spent studying instead of playing w/my kids, the years I spent studying for job interviews, the years I spent subbing in various positions..all this went thru my mind as this need to "shake it all out" overcame me that day.

After that, I don't know where my anger went...I must have gotten rid of it..(well, most of it)...but the sadness is still there. I don't know if this helps to tell you any of this....but I don't know how a person couldn't think any differently after what you've been through! We learn as children that if you study hard and go to college, you'll have your choice in the world of what you want to do. Now we find out the world works a bit differently for some. I tell myself "you are more than your career." We are good people who work hard and have integrity. And that is more impt than being labeled a "teacher" and being carried in life on that ego trip. Stay connected to this board because we all need a little help from our friends!
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Old 08-12-2006, 03:50 AM
 
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Pam,

Please know that you are not alone and that you have many friends who are here for you. I agree with Elise82. You need help, NOW. You have been through a very trying experience and you are at your lowest. Please lean on your friends who are here. You have every right to be depressed. Medication helps... believe me, I know. I became depressed after my sister had a massive stroke @ the age of 37. Although she has improved (and I thank God that she is still alive) she now suffers from paranoia that even strong antipsychotic medications can not control. I can not tell you how this has affected my entire family. I became obsessed with trying to help her and neglected my husband and daughter. It was not until my husband insisted that I get help that I was able to live with this tragedy.

Pam, I am telling you this because for years I lived and breathed my sister's health at the expense of my family. I resented my husband for even suggesting that I "move on" and "pay some attention to him and my daughter". I was angry, hurt and most of all, I hated him. I focused all my anger on him. Every time he even looked at me, I either wanted to throw up or rip his lungs out of his body. I couldn't understand why he was such a needy baby. As for my daughter, I went through all of the motions, but my heart was empty. I barely had enough energy to make it through the day. This is a completely different situation, but it had the same results for me and my family.

Fast forward eight years. Things are better, but the situation with my sister is still the same. I have been on medication for a year now, and though I don't feel fabulous, I am finally able to enjoy life again. Somehow, I managed to get across to my husband how completely devestated I was. He just could not understand the gravity of this situation. We are in a good place now. Not perfect, but good.

I encourage you to write your husband a note and ask hiim to read your post on this board. He needs to see how severely depressed you are. There is no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. You need help and you need his support. If he is the man I suspect he is (underneath all of his anger and resentment), he will begin to understand where you are at and help you. I know you understand where he is coming from, it is time for him to understand where you are coming from. A friend told me that even though my sister didn't die, I experienced a death. She will never be the same person I knew and loved. I had to mourn the person she was and accept the person she now is. Although our situations are completely different, you too have experienced a death. Your dream is dead. You need to mourn. He needs to understand. Together, you can get through this.

Please, come back to this board and let us know how you are doing. We are all concerned about you. Things can and will get better. Maybe not right away, but they will. I am here for you, just as you have been here for so many other people on this board.

Laura
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Old 08-12-2006, 12:48 PM
 
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Oh, I know the emptiness. The feeling that everything meaningful is gone and all that is left is family. I agree with the other post about getting a little miffed at your hubby for his insensitive remarks. I would be throwing something at him! :O My hubby, who at times I think is clueless to my feelings, is at least not saying anything hurtful....yet. He just thinks he can fix it when there is no way he can. Anyway, not my point! I am so down and out myself. I am depressed. I just might try the St. John's Wart. I know, Pam, what you mean about not going to back to school. I mean, for me, why go back and get more endorsements or certifications if what we have hasn't worked? Pointless, waste of time and money. I also sympathize with not wanting to sub. It is humiliating. I was not rehired last year due to political reasons (let's just say the right-out-of-school girl has the same last name as the superintendent). Okay, I was called to do this girl's maternity leave! Okay, let's see...the school that never offered me support, the administration that said I wasn't "right" for them, the same exact teachers who for a year tried everything to make me look bad, AND in the very same classroom I was in for 9 months? hummm...NO! I can't even believe they had the nerve to ask me! Again, I stray from my point!
I understand your feelings of being a loser. I feel that way too. My husband keeps telling me that it isn't my fault. But, then tell me whose fault is it?!
I am in tears as I read your post. "Not teacher material". Boy, that hits home.
Pam, I hope that you find someone to get your mind off things (as impossible as that sounds) for a little while. I don't know how old your daughter is, but have a mother-daughter afternoon and just do something with her.
Pam, I understand you no longer even want to work in a classroom, but (just a thought) do you still want to work with children? What about like at a child advocacy center or DCS?
I can't offer advice because I am in the same boat...feeling the exact same way. But just know that you are loved and cared for by your boatmate!
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Old 08-12-2006, 07:39 PM
 
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I know that is VERY frustrating looking for a job but if it is really what you want, you will not give up after 2 years. I subbed for 6 1/2 years before I was hired full-time. There were just very few openings in our whole county and when there was, it was always a someone knew someone hire (because it is very hard here in Western PA). I would be very upset and discouraged every year when school started but this is what I have always wanted to do and now I am going into my 6th year full-time and I got it on my own by proving myself.
Don't make too rash a decision. If teaching is what is in your heart, I think you will find that you can't just walk away from it.

I do however understand it is very difficult if someone has a family to support because that is very difficult with the pay. I was married but did not have children during my subbing years. I now have a little one but waited a little longer than I had wanted but it was worth it for all of us.
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((( Hugs )))
Old 08-13-2006, 11:28 AM
 
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Pam,

I am so sorry to hear you feel this way. You are having a bad time, but this should pass. Please know that there are others out here who feel for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Please don't feel that you are a loser! You are doing the best you can to cope with a tough job market. Hang on in there. I am sending lots of hugs your way. You are not alone!
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Please do not leave us.
Old 08-14-2006, 06:51 AM
 
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You are the one person who has walked in my shoes for the same length of time. You are a great comfort to me. I start nursing school in one week. Still, I am compelled to stay here until I can say, "I have a job." That job is going to be outside of teaching. I too am in the process of getting rid of my teacher stuff.

For the record, I think Pam has been at this for more than 2 years! (I think it is 6) I also want to stress that for her this may be the only place to really let it all out. Please give her a break. She also seems smart enough, and certainly articulate enough to put on a positive spin for a principal and their supporting staff. She has worked for it. To say she has done anything less is disrespectful. I must interject again. As I have stated this before. It is not OK to earn your job for over 6 years as a sub! I do not buy the if you really want it -go ahead and sub for 10 years theory. Would you tell your best friend to keep waiting for a marriage proposal for another 5 years?

It would be helpful too if principals would think outside of the box. Perhaps interview someone outside their radar. They would be pleasantly surprised.

Pam, you are right to be angry. I am angry too. I am not doing cartwheels at the thought of changing careers. I am very excited-however, angry that I have to do it. I also know that you see people that make you scratch your head and think, "How in the heck did they get a job?"

You are not a looser. You are not alone. Stay with us. Let us see you raise yourself up. You will- we want to be there and cheer you on.
Best wishes
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Old 08-17-2006, 04:47 PM
 
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No you wouldn't tell your best friend to hold on but would you tell your best friend to give up on marriage forever? You would tell her to move on, meet someone new, try a different approach. The same with teaching. Don't give up completely - try a different school, meet new people in the schools, learn more about newer teaching lingo.
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Nice spin
Old 08-18-2006, 04:53 AM
 
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I am sorry, it grates on me to imply that she has not done all that she can. As if she has been doing somthing wrong all along. After 6 years you better believe that she has thought outside the box!

At this point I know that I was willing to expand my radius. I will drive a fair distance. Sub-aid, that too. Hand tailored cover letters are a must. Online applications, followed with hand delivered packets, and phone calls, or e-mail are the gold standard. Keeping up with teacher lingo with journals. Not to mention all the untold creative things that I have done that are outside the box. I look and behave professionaly. Sorry I can not turn back the age clock. Please just admit there are VERY capable people that will not get a job. This is just matter of fact.

As for Pam, we want to know that you are OK. Please come back. We want to cheer you on when you pick yourself up from this mess. Because when you do- you will come back blazing. I know. I go back to school on Monday. I will come back with a vengance (SP) that a six year wait can not deny me.
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Old 08-18-2006, 05:11 AM
 
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I think all of us "posters" are in the same boat.
I am not a doctor but have been diagnosed with depression. I have felt as you do. I have tried meds and they do not react well with my body. So I just keep going, may try the St. John's though.
My hubby is the same.I tell him to shut the **** up, he also has a teaching degree but opted NOT to pursue it so I bring that up and he settles. I think men worry about finances, mine does, so he expresses it.
I did go to counseling which helped but now can't afford it.
Stay with us on this board.
We all know you are very bright, smart and talented.
I know all about the humiliation of having to go back to subbing when others have been hired and I'm a parent in the school.
I think we have to try to look at it from a different angle. Once I find out what angle that is, I'll let you know.
Yes, I had a parent who is an aide ask me if I was teaching or "just subbing" this year. I answered I was subbing, but was really thinking what a pompous you-know-what she was and I have to consider the source.
It's a shame that thefull-time teachers and admin. don't remember what it was like for them before they landed their jobs.
Yes, it is about networking. I'm not a "networker". Yes, I chat but I don't
make a pest of myself(maybe I should).
Pam, we all care about you, please don't take any of our writings the wrong way. Everyone who posted to you knows a little of what you are going through. But,I know that isn't always a comfort, How can we know EXACTLY how you feel? I know I think that, too.
Just know we care and are concerned for you.
You are a good person, an excellent teacher, a patient wife and a superb mother. That right there is a lot on your plate and you are doing it all!
Not many women can say that.
Keep in touch!
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My heart goes out to you Pam
Old 08-18-2006, 05:39 AM
 
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Pam,

I read your post and started crying. I too feel the same way. I've been searching for a teaching job for 4 years. "Friends" have suggested to me that I'm too old (43), too fat (can't call it bloated anymore, I need to lose 100 lbs), too experienced (nice way to say old). The only difference is that I'm NOT ready to give up. This is a career change for me, and it's been my dream to teach since I was 4 years old.

The market is saturated in CT with elementary ed teachers. Every position posted has 200-400 applicants. The only ones that get looked at have personal connections to someone in the system. Sad, but it's a fact. It doesn't mean that we are not teacher material or that our skills are any less than anyone elses.

I decided to continue working as a Literacy Coach instead of subbing. It has no benefits, makes a 1/4 of what I made in Corporate, and is only 25 hours a week. There is no future for me in the school I'm at and everyone there thought I was crazy to come back to a thankless position that isn't even considered "staff".

Crazy? Maybe. But I'm not going to let my situation define who I am. If I can help a child and encourage other job seekers to stick it out and know that I believe in them - then I am making progress. I can't say that it doesn't hurt me, or that I'm not discouraged or mad or frustrated -believe me, I am. Just know that you are not alone and there are many of us fighting the same battles. We need to stick together and draw strength from each other.

My prayers go out to you and if you need a pen-pal, you can write me anytime. Don't believe the lies of the enemy. God has a plan and a purpose for you. He loves you.
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