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gingteach1 gingteach1 is offline
 
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No win situation
Old 07-16-2020, 06:45 AM
  #1

A dilemma has come up.

Background
I have 2 sons. One is 26, married with 2 grandbabies 3yrs & 7mths. Other is almost 18, lives with me in the in law suite side of the house at my parents. I divorced their dad after 25 years 2 years ago. He was a narcissist and wouldn't stick to a job. He also was obnoxious in public sometimes and would behave in ways that hurt my family. When I had to leave the house suddenly after I filed for divorce, I took 1 of the 3 dogs we had. That dog i raised since he was a puppy from the litter the other 2 dogs had. So I have raised him and took care of him the last 4 years.

My son and DIL asked for him when he was born but where they have lived the past 4 years they couldn't have him. Last month they moved into a house with a privacy fenced yard. Last weekend they called to see if they could now have the dog. I was hesitant but eventually said okay. I didnt have a discussion with my 17 year old.

Got an early text from DS how much the dog has helped him during his dark times and how he talks to him at night to share his feelings. I didn't know about that except the dog sleeping in his room. He didn't want the dog to go live with them. Him and I talked and I changed my mind that I now wanted the dog to stay after discussing his strong attachment with the dog. He then said that he could go. I was torn again.

DIL and grandson come and play and talk. About 2 hours later I load the dog and supplies in their car. I go inside my son is bawling like I have never heard before and telling me how could I. It was hard for me too. The dog has always been with me and the other dog which is his mama. I called my son and said I had to have him back. He was like he is my dog. I told him I have raised him all these 4 years and didn't know that his brother was this attached to the dog. The dog was so.eone he told his problems too and helped him when he was depressed.

It is hard not having someone else to help make decisions with and it is hard for me to say no to my children. I didnt think this through. I told oldest DS. To have his wife stop since she was driving home and I would be there to take him back. I got there and DIL and I talked and I took back the dog. Both sons are hurt.

I told them I will help them buy a dog or puppy. They want this dog since he is sweet kind, loving and gentle. I cant part with him after I have thought about it. They are not being understanding and saying it is his dog. I have paid for everything, food, vet, fence, shade cover, etc.

Thanks for reading this long post but I needed somewhere to put my thoughts down that wasn't Facebook. It is a no win situation. I need to be stronger and am getting there. They feel like the youngest is being selfish and youngest feels they dont have an attachment to him. I know I want to keep him now and I started the problem.


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Old 07-16-2020, 06:51 AM
  #2

What a mess. Youíre kind and caring, and that makes it harder.

You didnít ask, but iiwy since you've already moved him, Iíd leave the gentle dog with the grandchildren and get a puppy for teen & yourself.

Very hard, good luck Iím thinking of you.
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Old 07-16-2020, 06:52 AM
  #3

Glad the dog is with you, I think thatís probably where he belongs and where he will be happiest . You absolutely did the right thing.
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Old 07-16-2020, 06:53 AM
  #4

That dog is your dog and you had the right to decide where the dog goes. Don't let your oldest children manipulate you. You have done the work and get to decide where the dog belongs. Your youngest son has provided much love and companionship to the dog. I don't blame him for being upset. If the older children want their own dog,they can adopt their own dog . You do not have to do anything for them at all. Stand strong Mom.
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Old 07-16-2020, 07:00 AM
  #5

I agree with Anna 100%. If you ask yourself what is best for the dog, it is staying in its home.


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Old 07-16-2020, 07:16 AM
  #6

I'd say you have provided for the dog's needs all this time and it is attached to you. I think it is better off with and your younger son.
Not sure a dog that is use to adults would fit well with a 3 year old and infant even if they have visited at your house. All this to say you are right to Keep your dog.
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Old 07-16-2020, 07:17 AM
  #7

I would keep the dog and help them find a puppy. It is cruel to the dog and to your younger son to separate them. Your older son has not lived with the dog, so his family can get a puppy and raise it with the kids. You shouldn't feel bad. As you said, you've raised this dog and paid all the expenses. It's your dog.
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Old 07-16-2020, 07:17 AM
  #8

The dog is yours without any doubt! As you said you raised him, but more importantly loved him.

Your son and his wife are being selfish and not considering your feelings or the dogís.

If they really care for the dog they would not want to take him from his home and you.
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Old 07-16-2020, 07:17 AM
  #9

It takes a lot of work to train a puppy, and you've had him for 4 years. it's you and your youngest son's dog. Keep it - you are the dog's family!
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Old 07-16-2020, 07:52 AM
  #10

I’m so sorry, I misunderstood. I thought the dear dog was already with the other family and I could only see misery (and a vision of Judge Judy) for everyone if you tried to get him back.

Since CatLove clarified for me by posting the dog is with you now, I agree with the others that you keep the dog. It’s your dog. I also agree with Tyrex: do what’s best for the dog.


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It's not fair
Old 07-16-2020, 08:38 AM
  #11

for your son and his wife to ask for the dog after 4 years. The dog is bonded to you and your youngest son. Your older son and his wife are the selfish ones. I agree that you can help them get a puppy - let the puppy bond to your son and his family.

You dog wouldn't understand why he wasn't with you anymore - especially if you came to their house for visits and such. You are not in the wrong here. Sorry to say, but your older son needs to get a grip.
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Old 07-16-2020, 09:18 AM
  #12

I think you made the right decision. You and the younger are bonded to him. The mental health of the dog and his boy take precedence in this case. That won me over right there.

It would be different if it was a shorter time or if your youngest had not said that. Now that he has, you can't ignore it easily. It would be better for the older and his family to get a dog of their own.
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Being a mom is a hard job
Old 07-16-2020, 10:57 AM
  #13

We want to make everyone happy.

I agree with all the previous posters. The dog has lived with you and your son for four years and he sleeps with your son. That is a bond they share.

From the movie Legally Blonde, ďGive me the d_ _ _ dog back!Ē
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Old 07-16-2020, 12:49 PM
  #14

I definitely think the dog should stay with you and your younger son. Your older son is more than old enough to get his own puppy instead of taking this one. I actually think it's really rude of him to demand knowing the importance of the dog to his younger brother.
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Old 07-16-2020, 02:50 PM
  #15

Iím sorry you have to deal with this. You only tried to do the right thing. Iím glad the dog is back with you and your younger son.

Try not to think about disappointing your older son. He has a lot of positives in his life right now. Your younger son needs something positive in his life, and the dog provides comfort to him.
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Thank you
Old 07-16-2020, 02:55 PM
  #16

Thank you for your kind words.

I love both my sons and want them each to be happy. I should have taken the time to think before answering.

I hope to help my oldest find a dog that fits their family. I appreciate the feedback
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Old 07-16-2020, 03:00 PM
  #17

You have received a lot of great advice here. I also agree that the dog should stay with you and your younger son. Your younger son has been through a lot with divorce, moving and now all the craziness with COVID. The dog has been a source of comfort for him and it seems selfish for his big brother to not understand that.
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