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please advise...
Old 12-23-2012, 08:40 AM
  #1

My husband took my girls yesterday while I was at work and got 2 puppies! Now when he asked me (fora month) my answer has always been the same...
you are not here (travels for work) and i have 3 kids, 2 cats, a dog and a sick mom to deal with already. I really do not want another dog.
So he takes the girls and at that point I know that we are getting a dog. I could live with that. good dad and all that stuff. But he comes home with 2! Really???? So I explained (in private) that it feels like a slap in the face. One dog is a good dad, one is a compromise, but really 2???
So onward... I have been asking him for a month to get a haircut, I begged him before my office party to get a haircut. Not happening! Keeps his neck warm... yesterday morning he got a haircut. I stated that it was a setup and he knew that he was getting the dog then. He denied it and told me when he made contact and blah blah blah...
So... he takes the girls and the puppies to the store for stuff. I get on his computer to surf (his computer was here and ive used it before, no biggie.)
So... he left his email open and I peek to see if he was telling the truth about the puppies. (He was technically, but I still think he had it planned)
Anyway... there is an email notification from ashleymadison. For those of you that don't know it is a website for married people to use to have affairs. I open it. (I can tell he opened them too because they were not bold like a new email would be.) It doesn't look like he has done anything wrong, yet. Am I fool to believe that he wouldn't? His membership is a free trial (cheap ass) but he did set up a profile and he did open the emails he got from them. I know that he did it and not a hacker because of the info in his profile. It sounds like him.
We have been married 15 years, no marriage problems to speak of. I thought we were pretty happy, now I just feel sick! Should I feel guilty for nebbing in his emails? I wasn't snooping. It was right next to the dog.
Please advise! I dont want to ruin Christmas. I love him and with my mom's issues lately I know life is short. But I am soo upset.
I hope no one in my "real life" can figure out who this is.


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Old 12-23-2012, 08:48 AM
  #2

Im sorry for what you are going through! So difficult as is, to be faced with these issues, but also to have happen at the holidays makes it more emotional.

I do feel that you do need to confront him- after Christmas. Let the kids have their day and then take him out to lunch or dinner and have a heart to heart and let him know what happenedwith the emails.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:49 AM
  #3

After Christmas, I would talk to him alone. See if someone can take the girls for a couple hours. Do everything you can to get him to understand:
-you love him
-you cannot take on alone the energy required for 2 puppies- Is there room in the bidget for a housekeeper to come in every other week? Does he do his share of housekeeping when he's home?
-you know about his online dating/matchmaking profile and do not approve- Ask him if he's having fantasies lately. Does he feel unattractive/too tired? Is there a possibility he's acted on any urges or curiosity while traveling for work?

I'm sorry you're facing all this. Let us know how things go.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:51 AM
  #4

I agree. Forget it until after Christmas.

And then when you do discuss it all, make CERTAIN that you are not at home. Go out as suggested above. Get a babysitter if you have to.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:55 AM
  #5

Wow! You have a lot on your plate and that was rotten of your DH to pull getting 2 dogs when you clearly said no. My H did the same thing and at first, I was very upset, but I've fallen in love with our dog and don't mind that I'm the one who takes care of him. Maybe your dogs will be a blessing. As for the email, I would be very concerned. There is absolutely NO reason for him to read the e-mails, let alone, set up an account. If it were me, I would print out everything (so you have proof and he can't deny it) and then confront him AFTER Christmas. I would want to keep Christmas a happy time for the kid's sake. Good luck and take care. Sorry about your mom too.


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Old 12-23-2012, 09:06 AM
  #6

You have a full plate! <<<<hugs!>>>>

I would be #$% about the puppies too! I mean, I love puppies -- but two -- let alone one! Ugh! I would enlist the two girls (I don't know how old they are -- but even at a young age they can take on responsibility and help out around the house and with the puppies!

The email -- I don't know if I could wait until after Christmas -- I'm the type -- it would just gnaw at me. . . . other pp'ers have good suggestions about getting someone to take the girls and have a heart-to-heart.

Hugs again -- take care of yourself -- no one else will! You have a lot going on -- make sure you are getting enough sleep -- etc.
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Old 12-23-2012, 09:32 AM
  #7

Hugs... I am sorry that you are dealing with this right now. How old are your girls? I might be a grinch, but I'd be tempted to return the puppies. 2 puppies are a HUGE responsibility and if your husband is traveling they are only going to build resentment. Do you think he could have done that to instigate a fight?

As for the email. I would not be able to wait. I could pretend I was OK on Christmas morning for the kids, but would not be able to wait. There are many reasons he may have did what he did. Was he really going to cheat, has he already, or does he just want attention? I don't know if any if that would make a difference to me. Trust is lost and how you feel about all that and what that means to your marriage is up to you.

I would not feel guilty for looking at his emails. People have different views on this, but I think things should be open and that if a spouse is worried about the other spouse not being honest it is OK to check emails/cell phones/ history etc. It may happen every now and then... however if it's a daily thing or constant controlling behavior, then that is wrong. Does that make sense?

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Last edited by love_to_learn; 12-23-2012 at 10:08 AM..
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Old 12-23-2012, 09:43 AM
  #8

Ditto on Kteache2's post. Wait until after Christmas to talk to your husband about the website and emails. You have a lot on your plate and a lot to be worried about. The most important of all is your kids. ((hugs))))
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Old 12-23-2012, 09:50 AM
  #9

I don't know about waiting. I think for the sake of the kids it might be best, but by holding it in will you eventually explode? Whatever your decision, I send you big (((hugs))). I sincerely hope every thing works out for the best, and that he was just being a big dummy goofing around being curious.
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Old 12-23-2012, 10:55 AM
  #10

I also think that you should wait until after Xmas to confront him. But as soon as you can after you should do so. Even if he says he is "just looking" to see what its all about (and that is a good possibility since I am now curious about the website) you need to decide how sincere he is and how you want to proceed in handling this situation.

As for the 2 puppies - I know it all falls on you. DH and I really want a puppy but with our schedules we know that its not the right time. You already have your hands full and the addition of 2 puppies was extremely rude on his part. I would tell the girls that they are responsible for making sure the dogs go outside during when they are able (make a schedule with an audible signal if necessary) and they can check that they always have water available. If the pups are just eating kibble then feeding can be their responsibility too. They can also play with, walk and brush the dogs (I hope they are short-hair)Your husband can be responsible for yearly checkups and shots. He can also make sure that they get groomed in a timely manner. You can make the appointments for days you know he will be in town. Sounds like he doesn't know how to say "no" to the kids, or he just really wanted two new puppies in the house.

Hang in there. This is a terrible time of year for this to happen, but you'll pull through. (((HUGS)))


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Old 12-23-2012, 11:08 AM
  #11

Thanks for the speedy advice. The kids are 15,13,10. I know it sounds naive but I am not worried that he has done anything before. I know it sounds naive but I don't think he would have this Time either. He travels 3 nights a week but we call and text a lot. He is trying to get a different job because he wants to be home. But the fact that he set it up bothers me. He didn't attach a picture, not that it matters.
I know that I'll stay with him. I just don't know if we'd be cohabitating parents or true love hubby and wife.
I'm tempted to set up an account and approach him anonymously but that just sounds like a bad idea. I'd know for sure his intention though
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Old 12-23-2012, 11:20 AM
  #12

I am so sorry. Setting up a profile definitely is a huge red flag. It would make me feel terribly betrayed. I doubt if I could wait to talk to him. Good luck.
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Old 12-23-2012, 12:09 PM
  #13

I NEVER thought my now ex-husband would cheat on me, but he did. You've received good advice. Follow your heart, but don't be naive. I don't think you should wait to confront your husband for your sanity. Hugs, prayers and peace to you!
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Old 12-23-2012, 12:13 PM
  #14

Can you set up an account also and 'meet' him somewhere?
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Old 12-23-2012, 12:35 PM
  #15

Valone-thinking that plan through now. On one hand it would settle things for sure. On the other, it seems wrong. If I have to go to those lengths to trust him.... What's the point?
On a lighter note-just realized how long my original post is. Ugh! Thanks for reading it
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Old 12-23-2012, 05:14 PM
  #16

I am sorry this is happening, especially with so much going on with your mom. I like what FLteachESE and others have said, to wait after the holidays. Although, part of me says sign yourself up and send him an email and see what happens. Meet him, you know like that song
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Old 12-23-2012, 06:29 PM
  #17

I agree with the others. After Christmas take him out alone and have a heart to heart! (((HUGS))) and prayers!

Nancy
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:46 PM
  #18

Did he search out Ashleigh MAdison?'n I got a newsfeed from an over (9 on FB lthat Indid not ask for perhaps this is what happened to hiim
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:47 PM
  #19

Did he search out Ashleigh MAdison?'n I got a newsfeed from an over (50) on FB lthat Indid not ask for perhaps this is what happened to hiim
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:44 PM
  #20

Scottiestir-I doubt if he searched it out. It probably was a pop up. However, he went on and created a profile. isn't that wrong enough? I am one click away from registering and initiating contact. But what if I dont get the answer I want...
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Old 12-23-2012, 10:35 PM
  #21

Creating a profile is a big problem for me. I just couldn't trust him.
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Old 12-24-2012, 05:12 AM
  #22

steelcity- do not go on the website and approach him- that is sneaky and backhanded. Be smart about this and approach him with honesty
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