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twin2 twin2 is offline
 
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twin2
 
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Please help with wording
Old 03-02-2019, 11:38 AM
 
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I am trying to update my educational philosophy and the wording of this paragraph just isn't working for me. It reads:

Cultural diversity and global awareness are important to me. Besides the diversity in today’s classroom, my son lives and works in Tokyo, Japan, and has started a family there. Though we are not Japanese, this provides a unique opportunity for me to present pictures, fun facts, and much more to my students. It also has deepened my desire to embrace these issues, inviting my students to share similarly from their own cultures, or from places of the world that interest them. We have reached a time that we are truly part of a global community, making it important to provide our students experiences with cultural diversity and global awareness.

That's what I want to say, but I feel as though my concluding sentence is off.

Please help... Thank you!


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cbgreente2001 cbgreente2001 is offline
 
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Changes to you wording of the last sentence.
Old 03-02-2019, 11:56 AM
 
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Take these suggestions for what they are worth.

The reality of today is that we are part of a global community. In embracing that fact, it is imperative that we provide our students experiences that broaden their awareness of the diversities of cultures, as well as, an appreciation of the connections within the global community.

Hope this helps.

Last edited by cbgreente2001; 03-02-2019 at 11:57 AM.. Reason: typo
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twin2 twin2 is offline
 
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Old 03-02-2019, 01:00 PM
 
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That's good, really good. Thank you!
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cbgreente2001 cbgreente2001 is offline
 
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I love doing this kind of stuff
Old 03-02-2019, 01:39 PM
 
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Glad to be of help
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tyrex tyrex is offline
 
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Old 03-02-2019, 06:14 PM
 
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I would remove the part about your son and his family--that feels too personal. It also gives away your age range and you refer to your race. My understanding is that you don't want those references because it can put the employer in an awkward situation of being accused of ageism or racism.

I would change it to what's below.

Besides the diversity in today’s classroom, I have family members who live in Japan. This provides a unique opportunity for me to present pictures, fun facts, and much more to my students.

I like the previous poster's wording but would not use the sentence about "the reality of today" because to me that that sounds like today's reality is a negative.


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twin2 twin2 is offline
 
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Old 03-02-2019, 07:51 PM
 
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I was a little concerned about saying, "though we are not Japanese" like maybe I shouldn't make that distinction. Thanks for your advice.
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MaineSub MaineSub is offline
 
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Old 03-04-2019, 04:26 AM
 
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Agree with the previous posters along the lines of "too personal" and would add that it tends to sound like you are wanted to teach Japanese Culture, not diversity.

My bias is to "write tight."

"We are a global community and must provide our students with experiences that support cultural diversity and global awareness."

I might even leave off "and global awareness" as it's repeating the "global community" thought. I also might lead with that as my first sentence, then support it with a sentence or two explaining the "how."

"Students will bring that diversity to the classroom and I will draw on that, supporting it with..."
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twin2 twin2 is offline
 
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Old 03-08-2019, 02:14 AM
 
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I'm so glad for each of you sharing your thoughts about this portion of my educational philosophy. Your input will be a big help when I sit down to rewrite it.
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