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I AM going to be a bad hostess
Old 12-14-2019, 01:37 PM
  #1

Just a little background to start with:
This has been an awful semester:
  • I am taking 9 graduate level credits this semester
  • I work with two teachers who always need to bully someone, everyone else left so now I am their target
  • I have been living for winter break to just do nothing or maybe to take up a new hobby- something fun like day drinking to help me destress
  • my mil hates me and hates where I live and avoids all contact with me throughout the year
  • my father in law is a sloppy drunk, but a mean sober person so everyone just lets him drink- he has also gone deaf and has stopped bathing
  • I took a 12 month position, so winter break is my ONLY break in the whole year

My break is from 12/23-1/3/20. My not so dear DH informed me last night that my in laws will be staying with us from 12/23-1/3.

I mean he just causally dropped this on me and then got upset when I had an anxiety attack and started hyperventilating, crying and throwing up. I admit that some people might think that may be an over reaction, but those people haven’t had my in laws as house guests. I don’t think day drinking will even get me though this.

My mom owns a rental house in my town, I begged her to let me rent it for a month to let my in laws stay there, but she said no because she wants to show it to get it rented out long term. My county has made all sorts of restrictions on air b&b so that isn’t an option, and crappy hotel rooms are over $200/night. I am going to be trapped with my in laws for my whole break! I almost bought a plane ticket to go house sit my bf apartment in Kansas To get alone time, but I don’t think I can deal with the cold and why should I have to fly halfway across the world to keep my sanity?

My dd and her DH are flying over from New Jersey to visit over the break as well. I asked if she could stay at her in laws because I knew I needed some downtime- so I thought I was good. My in laws normally come for Christmas, but usually never stay longer than 5 days, but since dd (the only person in my family my mil likes) will be here I guess mil also has to be here as well.

I am seriously going through all the stages of grief mourning the death of my break. I am going to be the worst hostess ever and refuse to have Christmas or Christmas guests ever again. I need a grinch outfit I can wear everyday during the break.

Thank you guys for listening to my little temper tantrum- you may be hearing from me a lot once the break starts

Oh I forgot to add that fil is in his 70’s and has never so much as made a sandwich for himself or cleaned up after himself and has no problem waking me up and asking me to cook him breakfast. Mil who thinks men shouldn’t cook or clean, “wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to cook or clean in someone else’s house” and expects me to be their house elf.......


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Old 12-14-2019, 01:52 PM
  #2

Honestly, i think you should say no. That's too long. They can come for Christmas and maybe a couple days after, but you should have some down time. Your husband should have talked to you first.
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Old 12-14-2019, 02:00 PM
  #3

She already doesn’t like you. I vote for saying no too.

Or I would seriously do this:

Quote:
I almost bought a plane ticket to go house sit my bf apartment in Kansas To get alone time, but I don’t think I can deal with the cold and why should I have to fly halfway across the world to keep my sanity?
You shouldn’t have to but sometimes we have to do things we shouldn’t have to do. You can make a fire and turn up the heat and do cozy indoor things. Just retreat for several days.

ETA: For what it’s worth, I read your post to my husband and he started saying, “No. Nope no no way no” until I got to the part about going to Kansas and then he said, “Yep, that. Book that ticket now.” So there’s a male perspective on husband dropping a bomb like that on you.
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Old 12-14-2019, 02:19 PM
  #4

Thanks for the moral support, I can’t say no because airline tickets are already purchased and I can’t even imagine the temper tantrum my mil would throw. I checked into flights, but it is well over $1000 for me to get anywhere.

I am seriously thinking of moving my living room tv into my bedroom (I don’t have a tv in the bedroom) and lock myself in there the majority of the break. This will prevent mil from blasting the tv 24/7 and I can watch Netflix to my hearts content. If I have to leave the room I will just be like my fil, drunk, pretend I don’t hear the crap mil is saying, and ask everyone else to cook and clean for me.

Now I think I know why fil drinks so much and I’m wondering if he is really deaf..........

Oh and I did tell DH we are done with Christmas. From here on out Christmas will be on Oahu, we will fly over to see extended family (I didn’t tell him I would probably forget to buy myself a ticket).

I also told him that since he is working evening shifts he needs to take them places and do things with them to keep everyone out of the house between the hours of 9-1:30. If he is going to make my break miserable, he can suffer as well during his off time.
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Do what you need to!
Old 12-14-2019, 03:18 PM
  #5

Wow! I can't believe your husband dropped this on you! I'm sorry to say this but he put his parents' feelings over yours. And then had the nerve to get upset at your response. Your in laws sound like they should be on a bad sitcom. I really feel for you. None of this was fair to you.

So, you do whatever you need to do to get through this time. It will be incredibly stressful. Yes, take the tv into the bedroom. Also, do you have space to store some favorite snacks? Stock up on them and do not allow anyone to touch them. Do you have earphones you can wear to drown out MIL's comments?

Don't forget to come here to vent. We'll be here for you. Big hug to you!


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Old 12-14-2019, 03:29 PM
  #6

Yes, by all means, insist that your not so DH take the crew out of the house every morning. Maybe they can find a good breakfast place and leave you alone. Are they the grandparents of this DD? Maybe she can take them places from 1:30 to 5:30 every day . Fix lots of crockpot meals and go off to your room right after dinner each night. You deserve a break!!!
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Wow!
Old 12-14-2019, 03:30 PM
  #7

Your husband did not show concern and caring for you with this bone-headed decision! And although I do understand her reasoning, your mom isn't showing much empathy either.

I'm so pissed FOR you!!
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Old 12-14-2019, 03:33 PM
  #8

I am seriously unhappy for you. This is not cool.

Quote:
I canít say no because airline tickets are already purchased and I canít even imagine the temper tantrum my mil would throw.
Doesn't mean they stay with you. I would be having a very intense discussion with my husband. I completely understand how tricky this is, but I think a hotel is the best compromise.


Or, if that doesn't happen...
Quote:
has no problem waking me up and asking me to cook him breakfast
Lock your bedroom door. Move the TV into the bedroom and, were it me, I'd stock up on multiple bottles of red (no refrigeration needed), a wine glass, and a corkscrew. Give Dobby a sock.
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Imasped teach christmas
Old 12-14-2019, 03:37 PM
  #9

I had to pop an Atavan just to read your post.

In plain English, your DH is a do#*$e right now. Iím going out on a limb here suspecting he knows about your relationship with his parents AND your thoughts around your break.

I vote 100% for moving into your bedroom and abdicating all responsibility to your husband.
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No
Old 12-14-2019, 04:14 PM
  #10

No way! Your mental health is too important. Put your foot down and save yourself. You need a break from your very busy life.


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Old 12-14-2019, 05:04 PM
  #11

I would be soooooo mad!!!!

I would go back to your mom and ask her again. I'd tell her your DH would be happy to pay her rent for the time. She won't lose a month. It will be 11 days.
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:06 PM
  #12

I hope that as you prepare your Bedroom to become your sanctuary by moving TV and other items in, that you move all your husbandís #### out of it. He can spend that week and a half with his parents!
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:35 PM
  #13

Why can't you go stay at your mom's rental for a few days? You can show it for her in exchange for staying there.


Seriously though, d**k move on your H's part. Once, my MIL showed up unexpectedly for my DH's birthday, and we ended up having a blizzard and I was snowed in with her for a few days. I was begging for school to start back up, and she's not even that bad.
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:37 PM
  #14

This would not go over well with me! I agree with making a sanctuary in your room. Purchase easy breakfast items (poptarts and donuts) and let them scrounge their own. Go out everyday for a quiet lunch and then hang out at the library or a museum. This was all your husbandís idea, so he can take care of entertaining and feeding his parents.
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:42 PM
  #15

O.....M.....G!!!! that is awful!

here's what I would do:

I like word girl's idea of you showing mom's place (if she'll let you)

if not/in addition to that:
make DH buy you a TV!
make plans with friends to get out and go do something every day
if you can get into your school, go there once or twice--get lots done--catch up and get ahead!
make clear to DH what you are willing to do and what extras you expect HIM to do--since this is his mess and his people

good luck! and yeah, come back and vent! feeling for you!
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:54 PM
  #16

I just have to say thank you so much for your empathy.

Since so many people here live in multigenerational homes here with all kinds of crazy relatives and just staying at someoneís house when traveling is the ďnormĒ here- I donít get lots of sympathy for situations like this from most of my friends. I also think deep down they like hearing the crazy in law stories after the in laws leave.

Thank you for making me feel like I am not crazy to be this upset.

And Zia- as much as I try I just canít get into the reds. Normally I like whites, but this might be a trip to Costco to buy some vodka situation
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Old 12-14-2019, 06:04 PM
  #17

Your husband invited them. He is responsible for entertaining them and feeding them. The most help I would offer would be to give him the names of some food delivery places.

Spend your time holed up on your room with the tv. Invent reasons for you to get out of the house alone even if itís just to go for a walk.

Definitely do not wait on them. I put up with my inlaws toxic behavior for too long and put my health at risk. Itís not worth it.
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Old 12-14-2019, 06:54 PM
  #18

Quote:
Why can't you go stay at your mom's rental for a few days? You can show it for her in exchange for staying there.
I completely agree with this. I would ask her again. Why wouldn't she want to help you?

I don't understand why your husband didn't talk to you about this in the first place.
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Old 12-14-2019, 07:09 PM
  #19

Please put the TV in your bedroom and be sure you have a lock on your room. I would do nothing for anyone but you. H can worry about his parents and him. He is a coward for allowing this to happen.
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Old 12-14-2019, 07:44 PM
  #20

Sweet baby Jesus in a manger. Definitely move the tv, lock the bedroom door, and start practicing the phrase, "Help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen." Seriously. I'd make a Costco run and have lots of stuff on hand that's ready to eat, then let them fend for themselves - at least for breakfast and lunch.

This is the reason I have an itty bitty house.
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Old 12-14-2019, 08:10 PM
  #21

Quote:
And Zia- as much as I try I just canít get into the reds. Normally I like whites, but this might be a trip to Costco to buy some vodka situation
Ketel One Botanicals is delish! LINK

I like the Cucumber Mint best, but all are yummy. You can sip it straight or mix with soda or tonic. Sending you all kinds of vibes.
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Old 12-14-2019, 08:57 PM
  #22

Well, if you can't stop them from staying, then move into your bedroom with your tv and lots of good snacks. Do not cook any meals. Let your husband shop, cook for them, and entertain them. Tell them you are extremely sick. Yes, your husband should make sure they are out of the house for part of each day. Maybe next time he'll ask for your input.
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Old 12-14-2019, 09:00 PM
  #23

I would not be talking to my DH. He wouldnít want to be with his parents for that long. God rest their souls. My mom would allow me to go to her house. Can you ask her if you can just take some time outs at her house? Are there any friends that are going to be out of town that you check on their house while they are gone? Do you have a friend that would let you take a break at their house for an afternoon? The library is always a good place to hang for a bit. Good luck and I donít think I could do it!
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Old 12-15-2019, 05:11 AM
  #24

I really feel for you! I understand that down time was a real pleasure you were looking forward to having. You are fully justified in being ticked off. He arranges for them to come your entire break knowing what a tough year it’s been for you and he won’t even be around to entertain them since he’s working evenings. He should take off and spend 24/7 with his folks, cook his dad’s breakfast every day, do the dishes, arrange for half the dinner meals, and prepare their room/clean up after their departure.

Go buy yourself a TV for your bedroom, get yourself set up with snacks and drinks, and retreat there in the evening. Find some things to do to get yourself out of the house from time to time and don’t stress yourself about entertaining them since your husband doesn’t seem to be worried about that himself. He deserves a lump of coal for Christmas!

Sending a hug and my sympathy for your situation.
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Old 12-15-2019, 10:01 AM
  #25

I like your idea of preparing and then staying in your bedroom the majority of the day. This seems to be a workable and reasonable way for you to get some "you time" to relax over the break.

You've just HAVE to make sure that their visit is so uncomfortable for them, so this won't happen again. I'm not talking about being rude, but I'm talking about making it unpleasant in that their expectations of being waiting on don't occur. Buy prepackaged drinks and foods and have them eat on paper plates and disposable eating utensils (your dishes, etc and silverware under your bed) that way, they can't leave you with a pile of dishes to wash/put away. Don't wash any bedding or towels for them-they can also do this. Don't clean their bathroom. Since they don't help and always expect you to handle things, you are "only making things more convenient for all" and all of these adjustments are justified based on their past lack of help and comments.

Main thing is that you don't want them too comfortable and have the pleasure of feeling that they "have run you off to your room" so they can rein as king and queen of the whole house and keep returning to act and do the same in the future.

Tell your husband that he needs to be a man and stand up and say "no" to not only their visits, but of their treatment to you. Make it clear now that you will not, at any time in the future, allow either of his parents to live in your home when they become elderly. By is present lack of concern for your feelings, I can predict that this might happen in the future.
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I am so upset for you!
Old 12-15-2019, 10:29 AM
  #26

Iíll never forget the February break I was SO looking forward to having the house to myself, and DH came down with the flu. It was hell. But yours was invited!!! I am so angry for you- I would be beside myself, too.

The bedroom idea is a good one, especially if you confiscate the TV. Even better is your momís rental. I think you DH should book a hotel room for his parents For all if not most of their visit. Or you should book a few days for yourself at a hotel. Please find a way to get away and recharge. Itís a mental/emotional necessity. Get a message, pedicure, whatever makes you happy. Leave the in-laws to your not so DH.

(((Hugs))). Keep us posted!
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Tricky situation
Old 12-15-2019, 04:30 PM
  #27

As much as you don't want to spend time with the in laws, you are going to want to spend time with your DD and SIL. Having any houseguests for two weeks would be difficult. Having difficult houseguests for two weeks is, well, just so very hard.

No suggestions, except to enjoy the time with your DD and SIL. They will be the bright shiny beacons of light.
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Old 12-15-2019, 04:46 PM
  #28

I'm sorry! I would be so annoyed at my husband. Also, maybe you wanted to spend time with your daughter and son-in-law without your mother and father in law around. You should be able to do that as well. How annoying. And waking you to make breakfast...no way! Definitely have your husband do breakfast if his parents won't make their own.
Good luck!
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Old 12-15-2019, 10:33 PM
  #29

Quote:
maybe you wanted to spend time with your daughter and son-in-law without your mother and father in law around.
You hit the nail on the head. My mil gave her oldest to her mother to raise she expected me to give her my dd to raise. Our relationship fell apart after dd was born and I didnít give her to my mil plus I set boundaries and eventually moved to another island to enforce some of those boundaries. I do really think that part of the reason she is staying is to make sure that I donít spend time alone with dd. On the positive, mil also hates my son in law- she feels like he stole my dd away from her. So I will have time to bond with my sil

Sorry- it makes it sound like we are a crazy family- we are, but it is just isolated chunks of the family that are this nuts.
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Old 12-16-2019, 05:49 AM
  #30

She expected you to give her your child?! That's wacky. Hope you can work things out to avoid them as much as possible. Seriously, do not cook or entertain them. If your FIL can't feed himself, then she has to do it, not you. She let him get away with that, so she has to take care of it. Hide as much as you can or get out of the house.
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