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Help me...what do I say?
Old 12-02-2019, 04:55 PM
  #1

I've posted before a bit about this. I'm leading a group with a guy. He is making it rather evident that he is interested in me. I'd truly like to get to know him as a friend, but his daily texts and/or phone calls are stressing me out and there may be some yellow flags. He just texted me and said how hilarious I am and how going out to dinner the other week was so fun and we should do it again soon.

How do I respond? I do need to talk to him in person about his intentions/where I am at. But right now I just need to respond to his text. And somehow give him the message that I don't want to text every day.


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Old 12-02-2019, 05:07 PM
  #2

I would wait at least several hours or possibly even until tomorrow to respond, and then say something like, "Sorry, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the texts. I had fun too and would love to hang out again as friends."

Someone else is probably better at wordsmithing than me. But I'm thinking something along those lines.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:21 PM
  #3

I’m not usually an advocate of lying because lots of times it bites you in the keester, but...could you tell him your last relationship was rough and you’re not looking for anything? That you really are wanting to take some time and space to to focus on yourself and therefore you’ll be setting your phone on silent after (insert time)?

Sorry, no advice. I never had this problem. My husband and I met, and were both like “yup, you’re my person” and that was it.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:29 PM
  #4

I would not respond right away, then send a text saying how busy you are right now and you can't make any plans. Then decide if you want to tell him you're not that into him or if there is something you want to pursue. Just don't keep responding to every text and hopefully he will get the idea to back off a little.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:34 PM
  #5

I think I remember that someone suggested on the other thread that you tell him you're taking break from all things group-related and that you'll talk to him again when it resumes. I thought that was a good idea.


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Old 12-02-2019, 06:04 PM
  #6

Unfortunately the whole group on a break thing won't work anymore. He's made it clear that this is more social. And we had some things come up for the group, as well. He really is a nice guy. I do have just a few concerns and he's coming on too strong.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:10 PM
  #7

I feel like he wouldn’t be coming on strong if you were truly interested (Or maybe that’s just me ). I’m terrible at communicating stuff like this with guys, so I’m going to be no help at all. I would feel suffocated so I’m just going to stop talking and let other people give better responses!
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:20 PM
  #8

Haha, Catlove, that's true too! I think he has a mature side that I'm attracted to and an immature side that I'm not. I feel like all the texting is him scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to come up with things to say to spark conversation.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:21 PM
  #9

I would be careful and recognize that I tend to worry and be anxious in many things. Find a way to leave the communication open . Perhaps suggest a time where you can meet and share with him the fact that you simply need to take things slowly.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:30 PM
  #10

Quote:
I would be careful and recognize that I tend to worry and be anxious in many things.
Very true! I think overthinking it adds stress, too.

He JUST texted me again (I had not responded) and said I shouldn't feel any pressure for anything more than friendship. Glad he brought it up.


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Old 12-02-2019, 06:40 PM
  #11

Just suggest a time to get together and talk.

You're both adults. Be direct and let him know.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:51 PM
  #12

He is very perceptive. I would respond to that message.
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:21 PM
  #13

Quote:
said I shouldn't feel any pressure for anything more than friendship
Here is the perfect opportunity to say - nicely - that that is ALL you are interested in. I would also not text him back right away if he continues to text a lot.
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:24 PM
  #14

I basically said that I really appreciate him making his intentions more clear. I said that I've really enjoyed his friendship and look forward to continuing to get to know him better. Do you think that's okay?

I want him to know that:
1 - I'm not ready to jump into a dating relationship right now (especially with us both in a church leadership position with this group)
2 - I do enjoy his friendship
3 - I'm not entirely closed off to the idea of a relationship in the future, once I get to know him better

I just don't want to give him the stereotypical "Let's just be friends" line because I feel like that implies you really don't like somebody. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that I want to get to know him better and don't want a relationship right now.

Now it's my turn to listen to crickets. I'm not good at this stuff.

Quote:
I would also not text him back right away if he continues to text a lot.
Yes, I've been working on this. I think this has maybe helped him get the hint, but I need to do it more. (And good to have you back, TammyNJ!!)
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:32 PM
  #15

Good text message Pepteach
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:39 PM
  #16

In my opinion and experience, guys don't work that hard to gain "friendship."
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:54 PM
  #17

Quote:
. I think he has a mature side that I'm attracted to and an immature side that I'm not
I think you like him enough to continue getting to know him. Trust me his immature side might be what saves you from insanity one day. My DH is a wonderful guy, but he can be a goofball. Luckily that usually happens just when I need a laugh!

I would tell him you want to take things slowly and get to know each other.
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Old 12-02-2019, 09:47 PM
  #18

I feel like what you said you 'basically said" didn't really say what needed to be said. You gave him encouragement (thanked him, said you enjoyed his company and were looking forward to getting to know him better) and said nothing about slowing it down. I think he will read that as you being "in." I think you need to verbalize that you are not ready to jump right into a dating relationship.
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Old 12-03-2019, 03:24 AM
  #19

I would leave it 100% in a friendship realm, you can always change your mind later. If you’re like me, any sort of pressure drives me away. If you do change your mind, I’m sure he’d still be interested.

Clear is kind.
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Old 12-03-2019, 03:34 AM
  #20

Thanks. I've been very busy and need some space. Text me on <insert day here>, and we can talk about getting together again. I am also enjoying becoming your friend. Talk to you then.
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What to Do
Old 12-03-2019, 04:47 AM
  #21

I would tell him that you are really busy right now and don't have time to engage in daily texting and phone calls. Say that you will get in touch when things calm down a bit.
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