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My son lied
Old 08-17-2019, 10:32 AM
  #1

Long time member, signed out for this. My DS is 17. He has always been a great kid--honor roll, varisty sports team, part time job. I recently found vape products hidden in his room. I confronted him and he lied, saying they weren't his. There is no way for those items to have been where they were unless HE put them there--it's only him, his dad, and me in the house. His dad and I got on him hard. A couple weeks passed. Doing laundry this morning, I found a vape item in a pocket of his pants. I showed it to him, and said, "You lied the last time this came up. I'm really hoping you don't lie to me again. I will lose all respect for you and the trust I had in you will evaporate." He lied AGAIN, saying he has NO CLUE how that was in the pocket of his pants.

I am heartbroken and honestly offended he thinks we would buy that load of manure. We have really never had to discipline him before. He has truly been an amazing and easy kid. I have no clue how to respond. I told him, "You're lying, we all know you're lying, and it's breaking my heart."

My husband thinks it is a teenage immaturity thing: when busted, lie your ass off. I think it means he is a terrible person and we are terrible parents to have raised him to be like this. I know both are extreme stances and the truth is somewhere in the middle, but what do we do? I am devastated. Advice welcomed.


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tread carefully
Old 08-17-2019, 04:53 PM
  #2

Perhaps he's addicted? All teenagers lie. That's what I think. My son who I would have never expected to lie to me did...about some very important things. I would try to keep the lines of communication open.
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Old 08-17-2019, 04:55 PM
  #3

So sorry you're having this problem with your DS....but I think your husband is more correct....He's lying because he doesn't want to be in trouble and he doesn't want to disappoint you. Judge Judy says something about knowing a teenager is lying when his lips are moving! Don't take it too seriously. Get him some literature about how dangerous vaping is and reassure him that you love him even if he is using this God-awful stuff. Hope he sees how hurt you are and decides to give it up, but don't go overboard....It's all a part of growing up I think. He's still your "amazing" son....but not always so "easy."
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Old 08-17-2019, 05:19 PM
  #4

Our DD has bipolar and we have had a lot of issues with her because of it (not at all saying that is your son's problem, just that we have dealt with a lot of extreme behaviors and lying from her). It took me awhile, but I eventually learned through a few trusted friends that making sure she knew we loved her and keeping the lines of communication open were the most important thing!

Nancy
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Old 08-17-2019, 08:19 PM
  #5

I tend to agree with your DH. It sounds like your son is a good kid. He got caught with the vape item, and lied to save face and to keep his reputation with you. Sometimes, depending on your child, you have to just let things go and they will eventually go away on their own. For example, if your son says the vape pen isn't his, just say, 'well, I'm glad it's not yours. Tell your friend that it isn't a good habit to get into because it's highly addicting. I know that YOU wouldn't make that kind of a choice.' Then just let it go. In my opinion, vaping isn't the WORST thing that a teen can get into. And sometimes, teens rebel and do the things we nag them about most. Ultimately, he has to make his own choices, good or bad.


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He needs help quitting
Old 08-18-2019, 02:12 AM
  #6

Nicotine is one of the most addictive drugs. Your primary doctor can help.

I also know in Massachusetts, he can lose his sports eligibility.
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He lied because he didnít know what else to d
Old 08-18-2019, 03:54 AM
  #7

When confronted, he couldnít confess and disappoint you. He did what every teenager does. He lied.
Years ago, I found that my son was smoking pot. I didnít ask if he was doing it. I went to him and said, ďAre you in over your head? Do you need help? What can we do?Ē He had been smoking.He had been caught at work and lost his job. This was when he was first out of high school. He had already quit smoking, but hadnít told us why he lost his job. We had a long conversation, about 3 hours long. We talked about issues that caused him to start in the first place. Itís not an easy conversation, but it worked for us.
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Old 08-18-2019, 06:10 AM
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Thanks for talking me down. I'm really hurt, but I think I'm overreacting. I thought he would always be a good kid and that seems unrealistic. I hate he would mess with something like this.
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Old 08-18-2019, 06:43 AM
  #9

He's not a terrible person and you're not a terrible parents. Teenagers test boundaries and lie about it. Even the best of them. When I hear the parents of teenagers say "My son/daughter would never lie to me" I assume that, either the teen is an exceptionally good liar or Mom and Dad are really good at sticking their heads in the sand.

Quote:
"You're lying, we all know you're lying, and it's breaking my heart."
This was exactly the thing to say. I always tried to convey to my daughter that, whatever she had done, my anger and disappointment and, probably, her consequence was going to be less if she told the truth about it. It definitely didn't make her tell the truth all the time but she did reach the place where, if she was just flat-out busted, like this, she'd usually 'fess up. And, when she made disappointing mistakes in high school, I would remind myself that, hopefully, that wouldn't be a mistake that she'd repeat in college. I've known an awful lot of straight and narrow high school kids who washed out of their first year of college because they did all their experimentation in one year with nobody to help them out if they got in trouble.
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Old 08-18-2019, 03:06 PM
  #10

Quote:
I thought he would always be a good kid and that seems unrealistic. I hate he would mess with something like this.
He's still a good kid. Good kids do stupid things. Good kids still think they are invincible. And you are still good parents. His choices are not a direct reflection on you.


My good kid got caught with the same thing last year, as well as another issue. I told him I still loved him, that I know he's a good kid, but that my trust was broken and needed to be rebuilt. I found out this summer that my other good kid (the one who is super responsible and I've never had an issue with) has been smoking pot. Not a lot, but she likes it. I didn't make a big deal of it, but I did make a big deal of wise choices and not driving and all of that.



I think that with this kind of stuff, the bigger deal we as parents make of it, the more apt they will be to lie and hide it and do it more.


Parenting teens is so hard!


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Old 08-18-2019, 07:15 PM
  #11

You have all helped me so much--thank you. I told him today I was really struggling to get past his lies, that I was more upset about that than the stupid choice to risk nicotine addiction. He looked right at me and said, "I'm so sorry, Mom. I panicked." We had a good talk about how being 17 means making dumb decisions and that I'd help him bury a body so long as he was honest with me about it.

He also told me he had already quit and I asked when and it coincided with a few days when he was very crabby. It all added up. I told him we didn't know how to punish him for it and he said seeing how upset I was was the worst punishment ever.

The folks at PT are wonderful and helped me through this. Oh and you were all correct, too! Many thanks.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:33 AM
  #12

I'm glad to see it all worked out by a conversation and his own self reflection. He knows the standards he was raised with and as he said, seeing you upset is his own punishment. Good/great kids do mess up--how we deal with it sometimes is the deal breaker in the parent/child relationship.
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Old 08-19-2019, 02:08 PM
  #13

I would drop the lying issue with him right now. Making him feel like he's "breaking your heart" by lying isn't going to solve the problem (that's he's vaping).

Instead, I would sit him down and say, "It's obvious that you've been vaping. We need to talk about that, and make sure that you know that it's really bad for you, it's highly addictive, and it's against our rules." Then lay down the consequences for vaping. Tell him that when you discover any vaping devices in his room, in his clothing, his backpack, his car,etc., it will be assumed that he is vaping and there will be consequences.

Kids lie. They just do. The real problem is the vaping, so that's what you should be dealing with. Good luck.
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:03 PM
  #14

"The real problem is the vaping, so that's what you should be dealing with. Good luck."

Vaping won't damage our relationship, but lying will. To my eyes, lying was the real problem. But he confessed and its resolved.

Thanks again to everyone.
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