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Tori58 Tori58 is online now
 
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Not a very merry Christmas
Old 12-24-2020, 04:34 AM
  #1

This is going to be a long and bitter rant, so feel free to pass on reading it.

My SIL has been in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism since Saturday. He was rushed to the ER from work when he suddenly couldn't breathe. A couple of days ago they discovered a clot in his heart that has proved resistant to the anticoagulants they've been giving him so he was taken to a bigger hospital yesterday for a procedure to remove that clot. He came through that okay and they thought they might be able to release him today. Of course, I have no idea what the plan for that will be - whether I'll have to drive an hour to pick him up or whether they'll transport him back here via ambulance and release him from our local hospital.

I have spent several days cleaning the horrendous mess that was his house. I'm horrified that my grandson has been going back to that kind of environment. I will, no doubt, be the person looking after him for the next few weeks (if not the next several years.) I am bitter about this because, when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, he didn't help her at all but instead made it all about how her cancer had ruined his life. When she didn't die in a timely enough fashion, his family all decided she must be malingering. And when she did die, he used her death as the excuse for his alcoholism, even though he had already had four DUI's. In retrospect, she became the love of his life, even though the reality is that she died feeling unloved by him. If her cancer had gone into remission, she would have filed for a divorce.

Throughout the pandemic, he has not shown the slightest concern for my welfare but has repeatedly engaged in risky behavior and then lied to me about it. Since my grandson travels between houses, this directly affects me. He says these blood clots were not caused by a COVID infection, which may be true since both his father and brother have had issues as well. But if they were the result of a prior COVID infection, he would almost certainly lie to me about that.

Through his stay in the hospital, although he has phoned and messaged me several times about what has been going on with him, he has never once asked how his son is dealing with all this. Neither has his family. It's like it never once occurred to them that this is a terrifying thing for a child who has already lost one parent.

I know what my Christian duty is. I know what my duty as an ethical person is. I know what my grandson needs for me to do. But I'm so angry. Along with everything above, I'm angry that he knew he had a family history of blood clots but still he smoked, drank too much, refused to exercise (or even lift his lazy ass off his sofa on his days off), refused to get counseling, refused to do one single thing to help himself and now he'll milk this predictable outcome for all the attention he can get and to be sure he never has to do anything for himself again. He's 39 years old. And his parents, who allowed him to become this kind of person, are three states away and using their own poor health as the reason they can't come take care of him.

Okay, rant over. I just had to unload all that in order to have any chance of being civil today. And now it's time to suck it up and deal. *sigh*


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Old 12-24-2020, 05:09 AM
  #2

Tori58

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Your feelings of anger are justified. This is such a tangled mess.

Thank you for being there for your grandson. It will be a positive influence for the rest of his life.

Your SIL's story is so familiar to me. Both my parents were alcoholics, and I ended up in foster care.

I joined AlAnon years ago, and found my family. When my son's binge drinking overwhelmed me, my AlAnon tribe were there. We stopped meetings in March, but I have my literature and sponsor.You might want to try an ebook from the library.

In the meantime I will hold you in prayer. Please be kind to yourself. Continue to use PT as an outlet. These women have supported and loved me through so, so much.

Tight hugs,

Dorothy
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Old 12-24-2020, 05:13 AM
  #3

You have every right to feel the way you do. I hope that things can work out for whatever way is the best for you and your grandson.

You can't make him(SIL) into a different person, but you can shown your grandson how a caring and loving person lives.

((hugs))
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Iím sorry
Old 12-24-2020, 05:27 AM
  #4

Iím so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It is all so unfair to you and your grandson. Hugs to both of you.
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How tough
Old 12-24-2020, 05:35 AM
  #5

I'm glad you have a safe place to vent here at PT. I wish there was more that we could do for you. Your grandson is learning how to be a good person from you. Best wishes to you during this very trying time. Be sure to treat yourself.


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Old 12-24-2020, 05:35 AM
  #6

Oh Tori, I canít imagine the burden you carry. I would be angry were I in your shoes, but I might not be as responsible as you are. I admire you tremendously for the love and care you give your grandson. I hope he learns from you and not his father.

Please know that what you shared has inspired me. You, Tori, are an inspiration. Please know that I am but one PTer among many who is thinking of you with admiration and hope.
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I am so sorry.
Old 12-24-2020, 05:38 AM
  #7

Alcoholism affects so many people. My father was an alcoholic so I understand how much it affects families. How old is your grandson? He may need counseling so he can make it through all he has been through already in his life. I really donít have much hope for your SIL, but I have great hope for your grandson with you in his life. 🕊
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Old 12-24-2020, 05:40 AM
  #8

PT has been the only safe and supportive place for me to put something.

You devoted time and attention to give a clear picture of this situation.

This is a sad, sad story. Your daughter that you've lost, your vulnerable Grandson, the disrespect you must feel from so many. I hope you have a decent support system for You.

I will pray for you all and wish for the New Year to bring you Peace and Love.
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Old 12-24-2020, 05:44 AM
  #9

I am so very sorry you are dealing with so much. May Godís grace surround you and give you some peace as you navigate this situation.
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Old 12-24-2020, 05:53 AM
  #10

That is a lot to carry. Thank you for stepping in so that your grandson is not adrift. He will remember how you react to all of this, so vent here and keep a happy heart there for him. I truly understand your anger and frustration.

From past experience, you will likely have to drive to the big hospital to pick up your SIL. My SO was hospitalized in Aug and Sept for strokes. He was transferred from our small hospital to a larger one 60 miles away. When he was released, I had to pick him up there.


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Old 12-24-2020, 05:58 AM
  #11

Tori58, please know that you are thought of, respected, and supported. Your grandson is so blessed to have you in his life. So is his dad. I understand your anger and frustration with your SIL. Helping people who refuse to help themselves is very difficult and made even more so when they have hurt people we love. Hugs to you, dear PT friend. Keep loving that precious GS and know that you have support here.
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Old 12-24-2020, 06:18 AM
  #12

Oh, Tori58, I'm so sorry. Thank goodness your grandson has you in his life. Keeping you in my thoughts.
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Old 12-24-2020, 06:28 AM
  #13

Tori58 you have been heard by your PT Team ! I'd be angry too ! Stay strong and give yourself plenty of love as you deal with the situation. Thanks for sharing and inspiring others with your courage.
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Old 12-24-2020, 06:41 AM
  #14

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know you will do what is necessary for the benefit of your grandson. I would not want to be in your shoes.
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(((Tori)))
Old 12-24-2020, 06:52 AM
  #15

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you could be your grandsonís legal guardian so he would be free from his fatherís issues.

Your grandson will be fine because of you. There should be services available to assist your sil, it shouldnít be you.

Holding you and your dGS up in prayer. I so admire you.
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Old 12-24-2020, 07:01 AM
  #16

Munchkins is right. Your grandson will be fine of you. Your grandson will benefit from everything you do to help your sil.

Sometimes people can become a better person after a personal health scare, I hope this is the case for your sil.
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Old 12-24-2020, 07:22 AM
  #17

Thank you all for your support.

emeraldcity, in thinking about it, I'm not sure why I've never checked out AlAnon. This is, by far, not the first time I've dealt with alcoholism in my family. Thank you for the suggestion.

Eccj, I saw to it that DGS got some counseling after his mother died. I tried to get his dad to do it, too, but he only went once. I will be keeping an eye out for signs that he needs to see someone again.

chalkdusty, that's what I think, too, if they release him today. I sure wish somebody would give me a clue, though.

Munchkins, yes, I have given thought to suing for custody. In the year after my daughter died, I flat-out told SIL that I would do that if he couldn't stay sober when GS was in his care. After that he made an effort to not get falling down drunk when GS was awake although I know that he continued to get drunk after GS was in bed or was with me. Problem with suing for custody, though, is that GS loves his dad, despite everything. And, I'm afraid that the "services" for caring for SIL will become GS unless I do it or arrange for someone else to do it and pay for it.

As many of you have said, the reason to do this and do it with as good of grace as I can muster is that this is how GS will learn to be an ethical person. Thanks for reminding me of that and thanks again for allowing me to vent here.
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Old 12-24-2020, 07:34 AM
  #18

You are such a huge blessing for your grandson. I bet your daughter is looking down from Heaven with relief, gratitude snd thanks for all you do to protect her son. It is a difficult situation and you have every reason to feel angry. I too, admire you for all you ard doing.
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Old 12-24-2020, 07:38 AM
  #19

I just want to say that I admire what you are doing for your grandson. God bless you. I hope you find peace.
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Old 12-24-2020, 08:12 AM
  #20

You are carrying a heavy burden just now. Remember to take care of yourself for your grandson will need you more now. Thank you for caring for him.

Remember that you have the right to say no to things. You know what your duty is, but you have a duty to yourself, too. Itís not easy to do, I know.

I suspect you will be pulled in to the pick up and helping of SIL. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more.

We are here for you.
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I'm so sorry
Old 12-24-2020, 09:01 AM
  #21

you are dealing with all of this. Perhaps, in light of this medical complication, it might be prudent to have some sort of temporary custody arrangement of your grandson until your son is medically able to "care" for his child? Just because your GS loves his father, doesn't mean it is the best place for him to be living at the moment.
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Old 12-24-2020, 10:58 AM
  #22

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. But I'm so happy hour grandson has you in his camp! Sending you lots of positive thoughts, strength and hugs. Remember to take care of yourself too!
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Old 12-24-2020, 11:54 AM
  #23

I am so sorry you have to deal with this but admire you for doing it. Your grandson is so blessed to have you in his life.
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Old 12-24-2020, 12:19 PM
  #24

I will be thinking of you and your grandson! Vent here all you'd like!!! Hugs!!
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Old 12-24-2020, 01:05 PM
  #25

Your grandson is so lucky to have you. What a blessing for him.

I would be angry, too.
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Old 12-24-2020, 01:40 PM
  #26

Well, SIL is not coming home today. They found still more blood clots, in his legs this time. These have apparently not responded to six days of Eliquis and a heparin drip so I guess his doctors are in the process of figuring out what to do next.

letsgomets, I suspect that after the winter break is over, it will be easy enough to gain unofficial temporary custody, at least during the school week. SIL is not going to want to have to get up early to get GS off to school or take responsibility for any school related stuff. Weekends might be a different matter. I guess we'll have to see how it goes but I'm for sure going to do a lot more popping in unexpectedly.

And, I think a lot will depend on what kind of shape he's actually in when they send him home. It's hard to get a handle on that when we can't be at the hospital.
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Old 12-24-2020, 02:16 PM
  #27

Tori, I am so sorry to hear your difficult story. Please accept my sympathy on the death of your daughter, and all you've had to endure from her husband. I really admire your ability to continue to care for your Grandson, and not let it rip about what you think of his father. I do not believe I could be gracious for so long.

Hugs to you and your GS. I hope your SIL gets some help with his addiction.

I hope you and GS have some lovely moments together tomorrow.
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Thanks for the update
Old 12-24-2020, 02:19 PM
  #28

I hope you are able to gain temporary custody. You are right, he may not want to deal with school.
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Old 12-24-2020, 03:16 PM
  #29

Holy smokes! Six days of Eliquis and a heparin drip and still has blood clots! Yikes!

I think getting paperwork for custody would be a good idea. It one of those clots causes a stroke, he won't be able to raise the boy. Oh my goodness! Can you talk to him? Is he reasonable? If it were me, I would be worried sick about who would take care of my child if the worst happened. I sure wouldn't want my child to have to go into the foster care system. I'd want him with family.

Prayers for you and him and your grandson. Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!
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Old 12-24-2020, 04:23 PM
  #30

chalkdusty, when my daughter was diagnosed with ocular melanoma we knew the prognosis was grim so we did get the paperwork put in place for who will raise DGS in the event that his dad would die and also in the event that I would die. I will have custody if his dad doesn't make it and if I would die before DGS is grown, custody would pass to my cousin's daughter who is like a niece to me. SIL is completely on board with that. He doesn't lie to me and risk my health because he hates me any more than he neglected his sick wife because he hated her. He's just monumentally selfish and doesn't have it in him to think about anyone but himself. On some level, I think he knows his own parents let him down in a big way and doesn't want the same for his son.

They are going to put in an IVC Filter tomorrow to prevent more clots from moving to his heart and lungs. In my opinion, this should have been done sooner but, of course, I am not a doctor.

I am feeling less angry, though. I can do this and I can do it with kindness.
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Old 12-24-2020, 04:53 PM
  #31

Tori58, I am glad you already have paperwork in place in case the worst happens. Having been through 3 strokes in August and September with my SO, I know how unpredictable blood clots can be and what damage they can do.

You can do this for your grandson. We'll keep you and your family in our prayers. Hoping for the best for all of you.
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Old 12-24-2020, 05:33 PM
  #32

I read your post earlier today and you have been on my mind all day. I can feel virtual PT arms wrapped around you through all the supportive and kind words. Iím adding my virtual hug for you and all of us on this quiet Christmas Eve.
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Old 12-24-2020, 09:54 PM
  #33

I am so sorry. You have dealt with a tremendous amount of grief and now you have to worry about your DGS and deal with all of this with your SIL. Prayers for your peace, for your DGS and for your SIL, not only for his physical condition, but his emotional and mental state as well.

(((HUGS)))

Nancy
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Old 12-24-2020, 10:03 PM
  #34

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your DGS is blessed to have you as his grandmom. I hope things work out so you can have your DGS to raise without causing him pain.
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Old 12-24-2020, 10:28 PM
  #35

I am sorry you are dealing with such a heavy burden this Christmas. I would be very angry, too. Your grandson is blessed to have you. May you continue to be strong, for his sake.
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