I have a teammate who is pregnant with her first child. I just got a Facebook invite to a virtual baby shower. That is fine, but the teammate and her mother are hosting it. I was always under the impression that the parent(s)-to-be or their parent(s) shouldn't sponsor the shower. That it's usually a sibling or best friend who hosts. Am I wrong? Is this a new normal?
Here's some info that may or may not influence your input:
-teammate is in her mid 20s
-she miscarried 2 years ago-this is a rainbow baby and a high risk pregnancy
-she has her MIL and FIL here in town, but everyone else is about 2 hours away
-she sent out about 110 FB invites
-she posted her registry on her Facebook page as well as in the invite
-according to the invite, we will be watching her open gifts and play shower games
I think I have seen a mother hosting showers for her daughter before. They probably should not say that the woman the shower is for is also a host though.
When I was getting married and having babies, the rule was that no family members could give showers. It had to be friends. And there was only a shower for the first baby. But to my way of thinking, who says “they have to make the rules. I think people should do what works for them when it comes to etiquette. If there’s a need, people can make up their own minds if they want to contribute.
I'm with Linda. I think much of the etiquette has changed over time. I think if a person can throw themselves a house-warming party, they can throw themselves a shower. The invitees can decide whether they think it's cool to go. Some people don't have a lot of support or friends who would think (or course afford, in some cases) to throw a friend a party.
110 FB invites is intense, and that wouldn't happen for an in-person party (I wouldn't think). I hope your teammate is able to carry this baby to term.
When I was getting married, usually the bridesmaids or rarely the beloved aunt or possibly cousins could give a shower for the bride if the guests were mostly going to be family members or very close friends. However, it seems that by the time I was ready to retire it was anything goes with regard to most traditions. If anyone is offended by the concept of a mom giving a shower for a daughter then she/he need not attend the shower.
Not everyone has a sibling or a best friend. I wouldn't be judging her situation or if she "gets" to have a shower or not. I'm an only child and the closest person I have to any sort of "best friend" relationship lives across the country. In your scenario I wouldn't have anyone to host for me.
In the schools I've worked in, teammates host a work shower for the pregnant person, so I would think you should be doing something as her teammate for her at school. I understand if that's just not done at your school. It just seems odd to me because that's how it's worked in all of my schools.
All showers are "gift grabs" IMO, no matter the set up or who hosts. That's just the general purpose of a shower. I can't see labeling one a "gift grab" and not the other based on who is hosting.
All showers are "gift grabs" IMO, no matter the set up or who hosts. That's just the general purpose of a shower. I can't see labeling one a "gift grab" and not the other based on who is hosting.
I don’t think it’s a matter of who’s hosting that pushes it into gift grab territory. I think it’s the whole virtual party part that does that. I get that’s the only option in some places, but a traditional shower involves refreshments of some sort for your guests, games, a chance to socialize. I guess I see a traditional shower as offering something to attendees who are doing the gifting.
drives me crazy. I cannot believe the way rules have been thrown out the window, but you'd think I'd get used to it, as it's been going on for fifty years, anyway.
No, it is not proper for any relative of the bride to host a shower. Even given all the details you provided, it's still poor form, IMO. And the mother-to-be as a co-host is pretty unbelievable and looks pretty grabby.
But people do tacky stuff all the time:
They hand deliver invitations and thank you notes instead of mailing them.
Or they don't write thank you notes.
They tack up a group wedding invitation on the bulletin board in the break room. Seriously.
Whatever. I hope her baby is healthy. I would send a gift, but I think I would skip the shower.
Showers changed during my tenure as a teacher. My grade level would go together and purchased a gift for showers thrown at school. When I was pg, I got one gift from the entire staff and cake and punch. Any excuse for sweets!
I don’t think you would be inviting 110 people to a shower that was in person because it would be very expensive. Therefore, it sounds to me like they’re just looking for gifts.
My teammate - I’m going to give a gift anyway so I’d send a small gift. But, no way am I going to sit through the opening of that many gifts (even if half of those invited send gifts).
I despise FB invites and refuse to attend or send gifts for anything I was invited to via FB. It’s absolutely tacky and sends the message I’m not important enough to make the effort to send a real invite (even if it’s just an e-invite).
110 people screams of gift grabbing.
All of that would be a hard “no” from me. I have no patience with all of this gift grabbing nonsense.
Hosting your own baby shower seems to be somewhat of a trend. I have responded to two showers given by the mother of the babies in the last several years. And of course, neither sent thank you notes.
Trends have certainly changed since my baby showers 30 years ago. Back then it was generally for the first baby only. My church had a big shower for me with cakes, punch, nuts, etc. We played games and passed every gift around with everyone oohing and awwing over them. My team mates also had a school baby shower and my friends had one. Don't remember one for the second one.
I think it is okay for family members like siblings, aunts, cousins to give the shower. Just my opinion, but I think it shouldn't be the mother herself, grandmother or MIL. Our DIL just had a small baby shower that was coed with mostly family members. My husband and other son complained about going to a shower, but ending up going and enjoyed it.
I think 110 invitees is ridiculous. I would send a gift, but not attend the virtual shower.
If there is, I’d wait until that one to give your gift, and I would decline the online shower.
I was invited to a good friend’s DD’s online baby shower. They kept it cute and somewhat entertaining. I don’t like showers, but I smiled the whole time. There were about 10 of is online and a few friends were there irl.
Prayers that the baby is healthy, with no complications. That’s all that really matters.
Mom hosting wouldn't bother me, but the 110 people and fb invites would. Sounds like they want max # of gifts for minimal effort.
Sure, the purpose of a shower is to gift the honoree with things they will need in the months/years ahead, but that should be done by people who are close to that person and have an active role in their lives. I doubt 110 people are all that close to her.
The rationale behind mailing invitations and thank you notes was that if they thought it was important to give you a gift, the least you can do is spring for a stamp. For a wedding invitation, if you want me at your wedding, again, spring for a stamp. Guests have to buy you a gift and dress up and then actually go, so....if it comes in the mail it says, "I really want you to come," or "I sincerely thank you," but a hand-delivered note or invitation, or one left in a mailbox at work, is just sort of "Here you go."
But people break that rule all the time now so I guess that makes it not a rule anymore.
Yes, showers were traditionally only for first-time brides and first-time mothers. Although it is common to have showers for all your kids these days, and as many bridal showers as you have weddings, I generally let those pass by. (The rationale behind this was that if you've been married before, and if you've had a baby already, you should already have a lot of the stuff you need. You shouldn't need to be "showered" with gifts. Showers are to help newlyweds and first time parents get going).
I think the fact that she's in her mid-20s is important. I hosted showers for my daughters because they were also in their 20s and their friends just couldn't afford any extra party. Even simple showers would have been a lot for them financially. In blue-collar areas people in their 20s don't make much money. Many of my daughters' friends didn't go to college.
With that said, though, I think inviting 110 people wasn't a good decision. If this was an in-person party I doubt that many would have been invited. Even online, she can't really appreciate each attendee and their gift. Posting her registry on her own FB page wasn't a good idea, either.
I'm sure she's excited for a new little one, especially a rainbow baby, so I hope people overlook the rest of it and celebrate with her.
I agree with 110 people being a gift grab. I have no problem with who is hosting but if you should only invite those who you would invite if it were in person.
I don't have too much of a problem with a virtual shower in a pandemic. But I'd just send a gift and not attend. I hate in person showers, too, though.
Where I live, itdoesn’t matter. I realize in some parts of the country tradition is very important, but no one I know follows any type of tradition for a shower.
I’m 40 and a single mom by choice. My mom and sister hosted my shower. It was an over the top, extravagant event very opposite of my personality, but absolutely lovely!! I would have been very happy to have ice tea and lemon cake in the backyard, but I was appreciative of the love and support.
As for the FB invite, as someone who has a business that involves FB invites, I’m willing to bet that the mama to be listed herself as hostess for ease of adding guests and so that others recognized the event as being hosted by someone they know.
I know it used to be a thing that close family didn’t host showers, but I don’t have a problem with family hosting a shower if that’s the only shower or the mother/bride-to-be has multiple little showers with different friend circles.
Like a PP said, showers are little bit inherently gift grabby, but many many people do *enjoy* giving gifts as a form of celebration and having a shower is a well-established social custom, so who throws it is kind of irrelevant. There’s no point in pretending, which is what not having family throw the shower was about.
So I think Mother of the Bride/Grandma-to-be could host a big shower for everyone or she could host a little shower for the grandmas and aunties and her close friends who’ve seen the daughter growing up,etc. while BFF hosts a little shower for the mom/bride-to-be’s close friends.
Where I think it veers into gift grab territory is if the guest of honor asks someone to throw a shower for her or if the guest list consists of people she doesn’t typically interact with regularly or have a strong connection to. I think a 110 person guest list is likely in that category.
The rationale behind mailing invitations and thank you notes was that if they thought it was important to give you a gift, the least you can do is spring for a stamp. For a wedding invitation, if you want me at your wedding, again, spring for a stamp. Guests have to buy you a gift and dress up and then actually go, so....if it comes in the mail it says, "I really want you to come," or "I sincerely thank you," but a hand-delivered note or invitation, or one left in a mailbox at work, is just sort of "Here you go."
maryteach, thank you for explaining. I guess, to me, sticking a stamp on and dropping it in the mail is easier than driving to your house to hand deliver it. In my mind, that indicates a higher desire to invite you.
Now I wonder if I offend people by dropping things off.
In 1988 I had a wedding shower. It was under my friend's name, but my mother and I did most of the grunt work.
In 2004, I had a baby shower. My sister sent the invites, but again I did most of the foot work.
Yes, I would have loved just to have shown up and be surprised. Life didn't give me that luxury.
So few people have a friend that will plough that much time and energy into a shower or have the money just to toss at it.
The only time I get stabby is the big blow out gender reveals/engagement parties my one side of the family has. Those are on top of the showers and gifts are expected. Lucky for me, I rarely see them. I send a congratulations card only. And heck, cards are like $5.00+ for a fancier one, plus stamp plus time time schlepping it to the post office. Maybe I should cut down the effort to text only. Lol...(I kid)
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01-03-2021, 02:36 PM
If anyone is offended by the concept of a mom giving a shower for a daughter then she/he need not attend the shower. 
