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yesterday; felt trapped and triggered
Old 06-18-2020, 04:37 PM
  #1

Some of you read and offered loving support on my post re: finding out, from his fellow church member, that one of my molestors died. And that he "was a good guy."
Yesterday, I purchased tranquilizers for our dog so DD can trim his nails. He does not do well at the best of times, and even though grooming is now open owners must drop off pet at curbside. So, I purchased 10 pills for $10 and was so relieved and happy. DD was not. Long story, so I'm going to skip that part. After my discussion with DD I was just done. I had a counseling session on Mon where my counselor was problem solving when I needed her to just be with me. I did a telehealth yesterday in the morning and was able to express that to her. I was feeling more hopeful. My two words were trapped and triggered, which I was supposed to rewrite as safe and empowered. I really, really liked that concept.
Then DD got upset and gave me what I felt was a dressing down.
After an ineffective talk with my husband I cried and went to sleep. Then I woke up thinking about those 10 tranquilizer pills, and considered googling whether it would be a lethal dose. (for a dog the dose is 1 per 10 lb so obviously not, but still...)
Today I woke up feeling like I have a horrible UTI. Dropped a sample off at the lab. Knowing this is my body's response to the stress. Try as I might I could not do the internal muscle relaxation exercises learned from P.T. Those muscles were angry. Angry because that was the only part of me allowed to be angry when I was a child.
But I am no longer a child. I'm focusing on empowerment. So, I posted on FB. (this church member informer of death is now a FB friend, but overall I wanted to speak out. People can always scroll by, right?)
Here is my post:
[B]I know my TRUTH.
My body knows my TRUTH.
And yet, at 56 years of age, I still allow others to attempt to invalidate my TRUTH.
Why? Because NOT ONE ADULT validated or supported my truth during my childhood. NOT ONE ADULT sought out my truth.
And yet, "The Body Keeps the Score." (Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk)
Another brick wall has fallen on me.
"Good people" don't do bad things. Especially "church people." Well, yes, yes they do. Horrible, evil perpetrators of the most vile nature fill the pews of our churches. And "good" behavior does not equate to a Christian conversion. Not ever having seen any evidence of the vile, evil side of a person does not negate the fact that it exists. And let's be honest. Perpetrators do not change their behavior. They are chameleons, blending in to our society, our churches, our neighborhoods. Hell, one even got appointed to the Supreme Court! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.
So as you live in your safe neighborhood, attending your safe church, voting for your safe public officials, remember.
I am returning to my place of empowerment. Both for myself, and for the little Dorothy whom no one protected. I will use my VOICE. I will use my words. I am not here to make YOU feel comfortable.
I am here to speak my truth. To use my power.
HEAR MY VOICE.

Dorothy


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Old 06-18-2020, 04:50 PM
  #2

You go, Dorothy! Tell it like it is!

I wrote a bunch of stuff out and erased it as I am not willing to write it all for everyone to see, but I know of a person in a very similar situation. Several years past his death she feels somewhat better, but not happy about things. I do think a part of her wishes she had hollered her situation to the skies but she did not due to the family issues it would have caused. Fortunately/unfortunately there is already a chasm from the mistrust that those in the know have, so other than the couple of people who would have refused to believe it anyway, the divide is there. Those who know understand and those who don't are in the dark. I try to ride the line and not hold them responsible.

Hope that if you have a medical issue (uti) it gets taken care of, and very happy that you did not take those pills. If it is something you seriously thought about, please go flush them to get rid of that option.

I don't remember the situation with your dd. Is she of an age she can move out? If she lives out, maybe you need to cut down your interactions with her somewhat.

Keep up the good fight. Life is worth living. Being true to yourself is necessary for happiness.
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Old 06-18-2020, 05:01 PM
  #3

Your reactions feel very normal and appropriate to me. Of course you would struggle with his death -- it doesn't sound like you got the justice you deserved before he died. I'm so glad you are speaking your truth! Shout it to the heavens if you need to! The little girl you were deserves it.

I really, really hope you tell your therapist about your momentary thoughts with the pills. Please. Your life is valuable and you need more support right now. I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

Don't give up!!
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Old 06-18-2020, 05:16 PM
  #4

Speak, listen and be empowered Dorothy! I think your feelings taking into consideration your situation and the additional stress you had yesterday, were normal! I am so proud of you for empowering yourself!!

Nancy
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Your voice
Old 06-18-2020, 05:54 PM
  #5

We hear your voice. Your truth!
Sent you a pm


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Cheers for you!
Old 06-18-2020, 06:04 PM
  #6

It sounds as if you are getting stronger and stronger. You have learned what you need to do to take care of yourself and what you need from others (like your counselor). And you are learning to speak clearly and expect to be heard. Well done.

The recent events with learning about your abuser's death and hurtful comments from others who don't understand--those are a setback, but you are already giving yourself the care you need and starting to move forward again.

Well done. It's hard, but you are moving forward.
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Old 06-18-2020, 06:14 PM
  #7

kahluablast
thank you. The pills are no longer a threat to me. For the dog to feel "woozy" it takes 2 pills, up to 1 pill per 10 lb max. So, it wasn't a real danger. I have a suicide contract with my husband from years and years ago and one with this psychologist. I have never attempted; there are just times when I think it should be time for me to be done. I dropped a urine sample off at the lab and should hear from my Dr. tomorrow. The issue is that if the sample shows no infection I can still have several days of the pain and symptoms of an infection due to early trauma.
1 my son started intensive outpatient group via telehealth for alcoholism last Friday. He had been off work thru FMLA but went back this past Tuesday.
2 my daughter is an adult. She completed intensive outpatient group at our local hospital months ago for depression and anxiety. She is currently on meds and has weekly teleheath counseling. She decompensated over a period of time and can no longer manage a job, or college, or even participating in community theater which was a real passion. (although d/t covid it isn't even an option) She got turned down for SSI twice. There was a time she went to college, worked, did theater and was an officer in the honor society at her community college. We have reached out to countless organizations, but not found a way for her to reach independence.
3 my husband had a double bypass May 7th and came home on Mother's Day. He is healing well and returned to the care of a regular cardiologist but I am still careful to TRY not to stress him. He was placed on insulin (everyone getting the surgery is) and high temps and no air conditioning seem to be raising his glucose levels. He struggles to sleep.
Izzy23
thank you. I will tell my psychologist. I worked as a clinical counselor in another lifetime, so I always do my best to share stuff that is important. This past Monday I should have spoken up and told her that her approach was not helping, instead I was watching the clock and counting down the time. Thankfully in our telehealth yesterday I was able to explain this to her. I needed her to be there with me, "holding space" for me. And she is very good at that; but therapists aren't mind readers.
Nancy
thank you. I know that you have put in many years with your daughter, and really admire your tenacity. Both my son and daughter are adults. But neither are able to live independently (and safely) at this time. Upon returning from FMLA my son found out his company was purchased by a Japanese firm. All employees will be terminated sometime near the end of July. It is not clear if his job site will be reopened or if the machinery will be moved to another site. Depending on what happens the workers will have the opportunity to reapply for their jobs, but with no guarantees.
My Al Anon group has not met for months. Nor has my women's Bible study. We have been having sermons on FB. So I am very isolated. Now that things are opening up in OH I am still cautious because of DH's recent surgery. I feel so alone. Emancipating from foster care really, really sucks when you are older and need extended family support.
Thank you all for responding, both those here and on my other two threads. Big surprise; no one is touching my FB post.

Dorothy
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Old 06-18-2020, 06:48 PM
  #8

powerful statement! continue to do what you need to be healthy!
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Old 06-18-2020, 07:06 PM
  #9

I'm very glad you posted on FB and on PT. Your truth and your courage to share it are inspiring to many readers. You are a very brave and honest person and I hope in time your family will find peace .
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Old 06-18-2020, 07:08 PM
  #10

Sending you huge hugs, Dorothy. I was raised in a religious organization that has had to pay millions of dollars in law suits to victims because they encouraged members to let them handle it internally - read - the higher ups got together and found a new congregation and/or position for the person. Things were almost never reported. The “if they go to church, they must be a good person” BS came into play a lot. I have family members and friends who were affected by it.

Again, sending you huge hugs. Take care of yourself.


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Old 06-18-2020, 08:33 PM
  #11

You have a lot on your plate. I hope you get the physical and emotional care you need. Stay strong! Have you tried any anti-anxiety meds? It seems like they might help.
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Old 06-19-2020, 08:11 AM
  #12

((Hugs)) and prayers for you brave Dorothy.
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Old 06-19-2020, 03:11 PM
  #13

Thinking of you and your family.
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