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Todayís Dilemma
Old 01-08-2021, 03:45 AM
  #1

As Mom has gotten worse, Iíve extended an invitation to her two siblings, a SIL, my 6 first cousins, her two BFFs, and her on-again/off-again BF. Some of these folks are not well themselves, so I didnít expect them to visit. The ones who have stopped by didnít stay long and did a great job with Covid precautions.

Now the dilemma. One EX of a cousin asked if he could visit. He was in the family for a good 25+ years. He was a neighbor for probably half that time. Heís done odd jobs around my house and Momís house in previous years. We have stayed in touch through FB since he split from my cousin. The issue? Heís a recovering prescription drug addict, and we have a ton of desirable prescription medications here. I do not keep medications visible, and they are not stored in obvious places like the medicine cabinet. It would be easy to keep him from being unsupervised in the house.

Do I let him visit?


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Grace
Old 01-08-2021, 04:20 AM
  #2

If you feel it can be done safely, and Mom has a good relationship with or good memories of him, I say to be gracious and say, "Yes."
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Lock them up?
Old 01-08-2021, 04:23 AM
  #3

Is there any way you could look the prescriptions up?

Would his visit be short where he just sits and chats with your Mom or would he be hanging out for a while?

Would your Mom want to see him under different circumstances?

You are a good daughter. I am so sorry that being the gatekeeper for folks is giving you additional stress or taking time away from your Mom.
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Old 01-08-2021, 04:23 AM
  #4

Invite him and inform him of a reasonable time limit before he comes. Stay with him the entire visit. Your mom would appreciate seeing him.
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Old 01-08-2021, 05:00 AM
  #5

Yes. You allow him to come. You lock up all the addictive medications you can in your car glovebox or trunk. If you are concerned that he has relapsed and looking to steal (which I see nothing in your post about that concern), make sure he knows in advance that he has just a few minutes and you keep everyone supervised due to COVID reasons.


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Old 01-08-2021, 05:17 AM
  #6

There's always a way. How about having him do what my 82-yr old Mom and I did (who I'm very, very close to) only 2x in these last 9 mos (her b-day and Christmas)...I visited in which we talked outside, at a distance, and with masks/face shields on. We never even hugged, which felt weird to not hug each other, but that's what we did!

She even brought chairs outside when fiance' and I came the 2nd time, so we coudl all sit. (But, my Mom and I have talked DAILY without fail for yrs since I moved out of my parents' house.)
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Old 01-08-2021, 05:22 AM
  #7

Could you lock the prescriptions in your car? That way, he wouldn't ever see them. I would probably let him visit if he had a good relationship with my family.
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I would
Old 01-08-2021, 05:34 AM
  #8

He reached out, so I am sure your mom was special to him. I would lock up the medicine and stay with him. Is there
someone you trust who could also be there if you did have to step away? You are doing an awesome job!
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Old 01-08-2021, 05:41 AM
  #9

I think you should give him a specific time to visit, put the meds in the attic or some place where he would not go, keep out what you need for 1 dose if needed.
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Old 01-08-2021, 06:08 AM
  #10

If heís not actively using, I think the other suggestions of locking up any meds and making sure thereís no opportunity for temptation are good ones.


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Old 01-08-2021, 06:33 AM
  #11

Your main concern is your mom, so if sheíd like a visit, and heís in recovery and not actively using, Iíd let him visit. You have stayed in touch. He has a relationship with you outside of the marriage.

Iíd do it at a time when DH was there also so he is never unsupervised while there. That way you never have to worry what is happening if you have to answer the phone/ door, use the bathroom, get something for your mom from another room, etc.
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Old 01-08-2021, 07:17 AM
  #12

Quote:
Iíd do it at a time when DH was there also so he is never unsupervised while there. That way you never have to worry what is happening if you have to answer the phone/ door, use the bathroom, get something for your mom from another room, etc.
This was also going to be my suggestion. That way you can "tag team" and know he is supervised. If you think your mom would appreciate seeing him and he would like to see her then I wouldn't let the other issues stand in the way.
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This is a tough job
Old 01-08-2021, 08:37 AM
  #13

I had my mom at my house for months. I ended up taking three weeks off from school. She had lung cancer that eventually spread throughout her body. Hospice was fabulous! They even provided an aide for mom. She died in my living room. We were going to move her to a hospice place but ended up not doing that. She loved being at my house...
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Old 01-08-2021, 11:07 AM
  #14

bundle Mom up and have them visit outside--provide blankets and hot drinks.

let him know before he comes that is the plan (blame it on COVID)--and also give him a time frame--Mom only has the strength for a half hour visit.
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Old 01-08-2021, 12:26 PM
  #15

If Mom were able to go outside, we would. However, she isnít able to support herself, even seated, and moving her also causes pain.

I messaged him today and plans are for him to come tomorrow, while DH is here. I told him she would likely not know him or be able to interact with him. When he stopped using, he started taking photographs or birds & landscapes. Mom interacted with him on FB about his photos. He wants to bring her a framed one.
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Old 01-08-2021, 01:06 PM
  #16

I was also going to say to only allow him to visit when DH is there. Just to be on the safe side!
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Old 01-08-2021, 04:54 PM
  #17

Ima-you are giving both of them a gift. You are doing the right thing.
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It seems like he has good intentions
Old 01-08-2021, 07:27 PM
  #18

But in case he doesn't make sure there is nothing in the bathroom that you wouldn't want him to have access to. That is the only place you won't be able to watch him fully.
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Old 01-08-2021, 08:36 PM
  #19

Sounds like you have a plan. Iím glad you decided to have him visit! It may actually mean more to him than to your mom.
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Old 01-08-2021, 10:56 PM
  #20

I like that DH will be there and you are allowing the visit. Your mom might not be aware of the visit but it will bring him closure and the chance to share with her a picture that he knows your mom would like.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.
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Good decision
Old 01-09-2021, 05:50 AM
  #21

Iím glad you have a plan for allowing him to visit safely. You are making a sad time a bit easier for those who also love your mom. Keeping you in my prayers.
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Old 01-09-2021, 10:23 PM
  #22

Mom was asleep when he stopped by, so he just talked to me a few minutes and left the picture for Mom. When she woke up, I showed her the picture, and she managed a ďbless his heartĒ.
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