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Are there really guys out there who...
Old 09-04-2008, 05:03 PM
 
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...are truly looking for a girl with a great personality? If they're out there, I sure haven't found one! I went on 7 dates with a guy over the past month or so (I didn't mean to hold out on yall...I promise I'll write about the next one!) and I thought things were going pretty well. We'd even talked about maybe dating exclusively. Just when I got excited, he vanished. No calls, emails...nothing. I chalked it up as his loss and got over it.

Well, tonight I see him at Barnes & Noble. He's cruising the aisles with his arm around his new lady friend . She's gorgeous...tall, slender, big boobs, perfect hair/makeup, great clothes. I'll be the first to admit I'm pretty average looking...I'm never the "belle of the ball" when I go somewhere. I consider myself to be a fun, caring, devoted person, but that's obviously not what he's after. This isn't the first time I've lost out to the "hot girl". I don't think it helps that I've mostly dated guys my age (currently 23). Guys always say they're looking for a girl they can take home to Mom. Well, here I am...let's go meet your mama!

Just thinking about this and wondering if anybody had anything to add...


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Old 09-04-2008, 05:09 PM
 
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because I don't want to be crucified for saying this: Are you by any chance overweight? I don't intend to be mean to anyone, but heavy girls aren't too attractive to too many men. Yes, there are men who like 'em like that, but they're actually pretty rare. It's not fair, it doesn't make sense, but indeed, most guys don't go for overweight girls. Guys tend to look from the neck down. You don't have to be Beyonce, but it's better, if you want to date, to not be fat. You'll get a whole lot more offers that way.

And you probably aren't, anyway. He sounds like kind of a jerk. Keep looking. There's someone out there who deserves a girl like you.
 
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you continue to hang in there....
Old 09-04-2008, 05:13 PM
 
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and don't do anything that would make you compromise who and what you are. I know it's disappointing and maybe your feelings were hurt, but better this skunk blasted away before your heart was Crazy Glued to his soul. Obviously, he wasn't worth it. Yeah, we only have your side, but even if you were the most miserable, foul smelling, ignorant, unattractive biscuit of a woman he'd owe you the courtesy of telling you "we weren't meant to be." But this guy, like so many of your generation, was brought up to believe he need not be accountable for anything. You hang in there. Something tells me you're a cup of coffee whose brew just needs to waft under the nostrils of a man with taste.

Last edited by titansrst; 09-05-2008 at 04:06 PM..
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:15 PM
 
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Amen to that! You're preaching to the choir!

I'm 28 and in the same boat.

BTW Are there any guys on this board? lol
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Dating
Old 09-04-2008, 05:16 PM
 
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I feel like I could have written your post. I don't have anything to add, just wanted you to know you aren't alone!

By the way,

Quote:
Guys always say they're looking for a girl they can take home to Mom. Well, here I am...let's go meet your mama!
So funny, and I totally agree!!


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Yes!
Old 09-04-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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As an "overweight" girl---I met someone that was truly looking for a personality and we got married in May. I always got told I had a great personality...but thats where it ended because I just didnt have a good body.

But my husband frequently tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.

I am almost 30---and he is every bit worth the wait!! So take heart!!!
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There Are Men Who Like "overweight Women"
Old 09-04-2008, 05:55 PM
 
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anonandon,

Just because someone is overweight does not mean that men do not find them attractive. There are men out there who like a women who isn't blond, big boobed, and anorexic. You just sound shallow. I find it downright rude to think you think someone can't keep a boyfriend because they might be "overweight". This is modern times, get with the program. I wish you were man or woman enough to post your name.

I usually do not post harsh messages, but I find your message to be rude. Not everyone is skinny. Do only skinny people deserve to find true love?

Yes, you are probably wondering if I am overweight. My answer is yes, but I am a confident, outgoing, active, smart, caring, friendly, young women. My weight does not stop me from do whatever I want in life. It does not stop me from having friends or a social life.

You know skinny people can't always find true love either. What is there reasoning for not finding true love?
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I think the issue is age
Old 09-04-2008, 06:02 PM
 
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Remember that at 23 years-old your average guy has the maturity of an 11-year-old. So I do think that anyone, including the "hot women" are challenged by keeping a guy at this age. Go for someone a bit older.
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:11 PM
 
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well said mshunny! I was thinking the SAME thing! Honestly, I think I've done pretty good to find men who rather enjoy a little more junk in the trunk. Easier to keep warm during Chicago winters when your girl has a little extra to keep you warm

That said, johnsju, don't let it get you down whether you're "heavy" or not. I do recommend dating guys slightly older than you though. When I met my now husband, I was 20, and he was 24. Our first couple of years together were rocky, based a lot on his maturity. I think it was around 26-27 when he really decided to get his act together. We got an apartment, moved in together and are now married. I would have never thought that would happen when I first met him. Now that he's almost 30, he's in his prime and we get along better than ever. After 7 years together this month, we're still like love-sick teens. You'll find that too. Keep your chin up!
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I agree about the rude comment...
Old 09-04-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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I'm skinny and tiny and cute with a good personality and a great taste in music....and NOBODY LOVES MEEEEEEEE!

hahahhahahha!!!!

I'm on the fast track to being a spinster school teacher cat lady librarian at age 24.


 
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personal opinion
Old 09-04-2008, 06:33 PM
 
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fat/skinny/ugly/sexy as all get out...should not matter. Do looks matter yes...you have to be physically attracted to someone before you can be mentally attracted to someone, but someone doesn't have to be "the bell of the ball" to be found attractive by someone. Different things attract us to different people. I personally think that if someone is dating you based on your looks you are screwed. People age...and for the most part... not well...Our body's grow (not up but out) as we get older, gravity takes hold... and mother nature grows to hate us...if you are in a relationship based on looks... well...it is doomed to fail. My parents have been married for 32 years....Dad still thin...trim...and at the risk of sounding horrible for saying this about my father...but my dad is a stone cold fox....my mom on the other hand.. well she had 3 kids...put on weight (and was never able to loose it)..has aged gracefully but not really well...And ya want to know what...they still act like they just started dating. Had this relationship been based on looks..it wouldn't have lasted past kid 2....The person that will look at you like you are the most beautiful thing in the world 30 years from now(well actually I guess it's almost 40 years because they dated for 6 years before they married) is out there...just be patient. I didn't find mine until I was 26...I have friends that are still looking.
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:42 PM
 
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I totally agree MsHunny! I read that comment earlier, and I couldn't believe someone hadn't said something! I thought maybe I had read it wrong! I am a bigger girl myself, and I found a hubby, and we are happily married! I think this whole weight debate is getting old! I believe that it should be to each his own, whether you are skinny minnie, pleasantly plump, or fat and happy, everyone deserves happiness!!! Best wishes to all of you who are looking for that special someone, I remember how frustrating it can be, but in the end, when you find the right person, it makes it all worth it!!!

Last edited by luvinlife; 09-04-2008 at 07:00 PM.. Reason: I'm losing my happy mind... (editing)
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Finally
Old 09-04-2008, 06:55 PM
 
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I too am happy that someone finally commented on the anon post. I had read it before but the phone rang and I didn't have a chance to comment. I completely disagree with the "overweight" issue. It's not all about looks. I do agree that attraction is a big thing and some men do base their opinions on looks, but not all men are that superficial. It was so disappointing to read that negative post since the OP was looking for some support. She didn't need to be asked of she was overweight and then go on to tell her that it might be her problem. Why do people "ass"ume these things???
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:18 PM
 
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Yes he is a jerk, but he is a man. Most men are in it for the looks, especially in their early 20's. I really do not think men mature until their 30's....we women are leagues ahead of them.

I am sorry this happened to you. You are better than he is, he obviously is a total loser. I'm sure you will find someone new soon....just be satisfied in the fact that she will probably do the same thing to him!!!
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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That's what I was going to say! I'm not overweight - I actually like to go to the gym but not because I have to. I come from a good family and have a bubbly personality. I'm totally on my way to being that single teacher who never gets married and is married to her classroom with her students as her children!

Right now one of my role models is this single mom that I know. I have both her children - a 9 yr old and 10 yr old (I teach 4th & 5th)... she adopted 3 kids on her own! She doesn't need a man! AND get this - she's NOT overweight, she's pretty, successful (started her own business), and isn't a lesbian for those of you who are wondering!
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Old 09-05-2008, 05:36 PM
 
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I feel like I'm rearranging chairs on the Titanic but here goes. I think we all have been socialized through the media, parents, the news and others that being slim equates to being more attractive. It really goes further...for a guy being youthful, well built, great skin and hair, probably earns more points, or so we have been acclimated to believe, in terms of attractiveness. For women I think we have been led to believe that it is tall, nice skin, nice bust, small waist nice hips, hair and makeup on women that earns extra points.

I think for younger guys, or guys at a lower maturity level, and I'm making a generalization, physical appearances of women that enhance sexual desire are probably more desirable. I'm sure you're right about maturity...I think perhaps as guys come to learn that what a women has within is much more valuable that what is on the outside they place less emphasis on physical appearance. The challenge is we have to undergo that learning curve to gain that knowledge. The media and even today our society, still emphasizes the power and importance of physical beauty.

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Guys in Their 20s
Old 09-05-2008, 05:42 PM
 
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Yeah, I've been there. I'll admit it. I was a jerk in my 20s. Don't fret kid. You will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. I really didn't figure that out about women until I got in my 30s (35 to be exact). I'm willing to bet that there's a 30 something out there looking for a woman like you. Hang in there.
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Thanks for the response!
Old 09-05-2008, 05:43 PM
 
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I appreciate all the kind words and insight! Just to answer the question, I'm not overweight. I've got a few jiggles and wiggles (like most women) but I'm not heavy. I didn't mean to portray myself as someone with 3 heads, buckteeth, and a tail ; I'm just a normal looking person. Like many of you said, it shouldn't matter anyway. I know that physical attraction plays a large role in relationships, but I don't want to be in a relationship based solely on looks. I thank all of you for helping me realize that I'd probably be better off with someone older (at least for now). I'll let you know when I find him! Happy weekend!
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Women are just as bad!!
Old 09-05-2008, 06:28 PM
 
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Hey, wait a minute here. I was single for a LONG time before finding my wife. Many women wanted the muscle man that I would never be. Just an average looking guy not able to get that date -- so let's not put it all on the men here!!

Yes, there are men on this board and I'm ready to be counted as one who was looking for the girl I could take home to mama. Little did I know they would fight during the wedding planning time

I did date a hottie or two in my time; but, never took them home to mama and it didn't last because they didn't have the personality I was looking for. The woman I married is very attractive to me, but she wouldn't make it as a model. She was in her mid30's with a child. And I fell in love.

My advice, yes the guy is out there. Hang in there and check where you are looking -- maybe you're meeting them in the wrong place. I met my wife as a fix up -- to boot, she came only for a free meal and never expected to find love.

Also, for the rude comment -- who says a man said it? It could have been a woman who said it!! Also, let's face it, looks do matter to a point. It is the initial driving force. I didn't find the comment too rude; but I do agree, everyone deserves love!!
 
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Old 09-06-2008, 04:33 AM
 
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I read this earlier, but decided to weigh in (pun intended). I have to say, though anonandon's opinion wasn't popular, I think there is some truth to it. I am overweight now, but have not always been. I have definitely gotten more male attention when I was slender than I do now, by far. I am not surprised by this; as has been noted, our society prizes good looks, which tend to include being in shape or thin, esp. when it comes to women.

I also agree that it is not just the men who prefer good-looking members of the opposite sex, though I do think that women will overlook looks more in favor of personality, than men will (in general). This probably has to do with guys being more visual, and women living more inside their heads. Also, we are hard-wired to prefer a mate who looks healthy, and in shape people tend to look/be more healthy.

I am not in any way saying that only thin people find love, are attractive, etc., but it's definitely easier for them to find potential mates. I am still the same person I was when I was thin, except that I have less confidence in my looks and also am unhappy with myself for carrying around the extra weight. I have noticed, though, that I think I am more attractive to men, when they get to know me than I would be right off the bat (when they are just appraising for looks). So sometimes it just means that a person has to get to know someone, if an initial attraction isn't there.

johnsju - I definitely agree with the "avoid the 20-something guys" sentiment. Go for older men! When I was in my late 20s (and thin, natch), I dated a guy in his 40s and loved it. (He's actually the "one who got away") They sometimes have more to offer than a guy in his early to mid 20s. Good luck finding that special guy. You sound like a great girl, and I am sure he will come along soon!
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Old 09-06-2008, 03:57 PM
 
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Quote:
You just sound shallow. I find it downright rude to think you think someone can't keep a boyfriend because they might be "overweight". This is modern times, get with the program. I wish you were man or woman enough to post your name.
When I wrote my comment to anonandon, I said that I wish the person was man or woman enought to post there name. It well could be a woman say those things. Men and women can be rude. I just wish that people weren't afraid to put there name on a post because they say something rude. That poster knew people would get upset with their comment so he/she hid behind the anonymous name.
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Old 09-06-2008, 04:14 PM
 
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I'm absolutely amazed that anyone would jump to "you must be fat" from the OP.

I got married at 29, after playing the dating game for many years. At times, it was admittedly harder for me to meet people because my looks didn't make guys drool from afar. I was not fat, not even close to fat, I just wasn't that ideal of good looking. I've known many fat people in my life WAAY more beautiful than me.

There's nothing wrong with being average looking. In the end, you win out because you don't have to weed through the people who are only attacted to you superficially.
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Old 09-06-2008, 05:11 PM
 
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I can say that those of us who aren't "the generic belle of the ball" will at some point be the belle of one special person's heart! My SO of six years actually had a crush on me when he first saw me at his sister's work. I'm still baffled by that, because - while I actually have quite high self esteem and am happy to be me - I KNOW that I'm not the kind of girl that catches boys' eyes. I'm chubby and kind of plain. My SO is actually much better looking than I am.

Oh, and my SO is 10 years older than me, so I agree with the older guy thing. I was 24 and he was 33 when we met. The only thing with older men is that some of them ONLY want to be with younger women...which is just as shallow and superficial as a 23 year old who doesn't want to be with someone who isn't a super-model! I guess it's like anything...it depends on the person and the situation.

As for anonanon's post, I read it very differently from the rest of you! I really don't see how anyone could get "overweight people don't deserve love" from that post. I understood anonanon's post as someone stating something that was deplorable, but sadly true amongst certain people. I've been chubby my whole life, and have very rarely gotten male attention, except from men who've already gotten to know me as a friend. I thought that anonanon was bashing the superficial guy, not the OP. But now that I've re-read the post, I can see how it might be interpreted in more than one way. I guess that I tend to assume the best!
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