Two months ago, I posted a long thing about my older brother
http://www.proteacher.net/discussion...d.php?t=639542
and so many people responded with advice and kindness that I thought I would let you know how everything turned out:
I got to talk to him the day after I wrote that post and boy he really was a mess. He thought my mother and brother were still alive. They've both been dead for over 13 years. He just had lots and lots of dementia. He sounded horrible, very congested and scratchy and old. He said he could hardly walk from the living room to the bathroom. He was really bad. So I called Adult Protective Services, told them I was clear across the country and there was no one else to help. They always want to do the least intervention they can at first, so although I knew he had to be removed, the neighbor had come back on the scene and was helping again and I knew they were set on trying this first, sort of like the Least Restrictive Environment on an IEP, I guess. So the social worker got him Meals on Wheels and a visiting nurse and my husband and I bought a flip phone and a few hundred minutes and mailed it to him, letting the neighbor know it was coming.
For about a week, maybe two, the neighbor was helping him out and my brother even called me a few times. Then it happened. I knew something would happen.
My brother was walking around with a loaded .22 pistol in his pocket, with the safety off, and accidentally shot himself in the knee! It was actually the very best thing that could have happened because that really got them to take action. For one thing, the police come out if there's a gunshot involved. They called me and said that the medics were taking him to the hospital and I told the officer about all the guns and the dementia and the cop said there were bullet holes all over the living room and dining room! He'd been filling them in with putty and the walls were dotted with white putty dots. He assured me that the Red Flag Law made it so my brother would not be allowed to return home unless the guns were gone.
The gunshot was a very clean wound, went clear through his knee and barely knicked his patella. The doctor said it was actually pretty minor, but they did surgery, which was mostly cleaning it up and stitching it.
After about a week recovering at the hospital, they moved him to an Orthopedic Hospital while they determined placement, as it was plain to everyone at that point that he needed to be living in a memory care unit. And they found him really the nicest place. And he was going to be moved there the next day, but the evening before he went, he went into respiratory distress, which turned into respiratory failure, which turned into being back in the regular hospital, on a ventilator. That went on for about 3 days and at that time, I was told I could not sign a Do Not Resuscitate because I didn't have Medical POA. He came off the ventilator and was returned to a regular room about two days later. I talked to him a couple of times but he was really bad. He thought he was in Red Lobster (he used to manage one).
It wasn't long after that that he went into respiratory failure again and this time they let me sign the order. I don't know why it was okay then but not before. Anyway, I signed it and he died within hours. The doctor told me that people in advanced dementia often lose the ability to swallow and they choke on their own fluids.
So my sister can no way go in that house, but my little brother did and he got all the fishing gear. My sister's husband went in and got all my mom's paintings and he got the china and crystal, which I thought was crazy but he wants to sell it. The neighbor cleared out all the guns and is going to sell them. I told him to keep two of them and he could have half the money from the sale of the others. I'll give the half that we get to my brother and sister. He didn't want half the money, but we want him to have it. It's a lot to sell the guns, plus he took care of Mike.
So--now how to settle the estate? I don't want to be the executor and my two siblings who are in town cannot. So who do you call when there's no one to do it? SOMEONE does this. Who is it? A friend said there's someone called the Public Administrator that would handle this. If anyone out there is still reading this and happens to know, I would love to have the information. What I would like is for the state to close out his estate and use his estate to pay all his bills and sell the house. I have no idea what his financial situation was but if it's possible for me to get any money that's left over, so I could give it to my brother and sister, I would like to do that. That may not be possible, or even fair, if the family doesn't lift a finger to settle things themselves.
So I got him removed from the hospital and cremated and put his obituary in the local newspaper. An old childhood friend posted a lovely tribute. My family wanted the ashes disposed of. No one, including my husband, wants his energy in their house. So that really bothered me. I contacted the funeral home and asked them if they could save just a tiny thimble of his ashes for me until I can come to town, and I have no idea when that will be. They were so kind and told me they would. I would like to take them up Pikes Peak and scatter the very few of them around and say goodbye to him. He was a big asshole to a lot of people and he wasted his enormous potential, which is very sad. But he was my big brother and I'm glad I got to tell him I love him and I'm glad that I didn't go flying off to Colorado and I'm pretty okay with everything. It's over, at least his physical presence in the world and maybe now my brother and sister can have some peace and start to heal. And who knows, maybe they'll see a few dollars. Maybe, maybe not. We'll see what happens.
And if anyone knows who I need to call to settle this estate, I would love to know.
Thanks to anyone who stayed with me this long and thanks to everyone who replied to the first post.
Mary
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10-26-2020, 12:48 PM
