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So angry! Need some advice
Old 07-28-2012, 04:29 PM
 
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Last night, I posted about how my daughters were mad at me when I wouldn't give them money for gas and movies. I explained that I didn't have the money in my budget for that. I had already given them money for other things this week, and had spent money on tires for one the dd car. I thought that was the end of it.

This morning, they left so one dd could go to a job interview near her college campus. I was leaving to go to the grocery store when they pulled up. I rolled down the window to let them know where I was going, and they leaned in and said that I needed to give them $15. I told them no, that I had already explained, and the following conversation occurred:

dd#1 We know you have $90 in your savings account and $300 in your checking. Why did you lie to us?
me: How do you know how much money I have in the bank?
dd #1 Because I looked at your account
me: How did you do that?!
dd #2 You have your account information saved on the computer. It's not that hard, mom.
me: You had no right to look at my account!
dd #1 and #2 Well, you never showed us how to do our bank accounts (they have different bank than I do, and yes, I have). We were just trying to see what a bank account looks like!
me: I can NOT believe what you two have just done!! I will discuss this later. (I pulled out of drive)
dd #1 (shouting from the driveway) You are a terrible mom! I hate you!

I get a text from dd #2 soon after I leave: We know that you you've been lying to us. I can't believe anything you say anymore
me: I am so disappointed in how you two have behaved. You have definitely crossed a line, and will discuss the consequences when I get home.

I'm now home, and they are no where to be found. I called one of them and asked where they were. Very innocently "We're going to movies with ______ Why?

I just hung up! I guess it's a good thing they aren't home right now, because I'm fit to be tied!

My question is this. They are leaving for college in three weeks. I've talked to dh (he's out of town), and said that I'm thinking of shutting off their phone service. I'm also thinking of taking away both cars, but they've hidden their keys. Is there another punishment that could and should happen? Should I send them off to college without these items? Since they feel like we don't provide enough for them, then maybe they should do without some of these luxuries for a while.

I don't know how to process all this. I would never in a million years have imagined that they would pull a stunt like this. Plus, they don't even think that what they've done is wrong...they feel justified in all this!


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response
Old 07-28-2012, 04:32 PM
 
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I would take everything away and password protect my computer!
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:35 PM
 
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Blatant disrespect.

If you pay for their phones and cars, then you should take away those luxuries.
Do they have jobs? They're certainly old enough to.
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:36 PM
 
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Oh wow. I have to admit I don't have any advice for you. I have no teenagers in the house, and I have enough difficulty with the 8yo daughter I do have I would be livid with this as well. How did they get to feeling so entitled?? (rhetorical question, although I do wonder how different the dynamics would be if they were not twins who could egg each other on, and if it was just one child you were dealing with).

Do they potentially have access to your account? I would worry about that as a next step for them. I would be so livid and I would be tempted to take away the privileges they do have. Cars? I certainly didn't have one (or phone service, but cell phones weren't really in common use then) when I was in college until I bought one on my own. If those are yours and you paid for them, then by all means, take them away. Save yourself some money. They are so young to think $90 in checking and $300 in savings is luxury money.

I hope someone who has btdt has some good advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I am so sorry they are behaving so horribly.
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:36 PM
 
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I would let them figure out where they will live from now on. Also they will need to figure out how to pay for college!

Quote:
Should I send them off to college without these items? Since they feel like we don't provide enough for them, then maybe they should do without some of these luxuries for a while.
They need some tough love!


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Old 07-28-2012, 04:37 PM
 
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They think they are in charge of you and the household. If your name is on the car registration ,inform them that if they take the car you will have them arrested for theft. I definitely would inform them of the phone and car ownership after I informed them of who was in charge and I had cut off their phone services.I would also remove the keyboard when heading out of the house from now on.
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Un-freakin'-believable!
Old 07-28-2012, 04:38 PM
 
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I don't have kids, but I would be absolutely pi$$ed if my kids did that. That is a HUGE breach of trust! Oh! I am so pi$$ed for you!

Because I don't have kids, my advice may be worthless to you, but I think you have every right to take away the things that you are paying for. Maybe it's time for them to see how much you DO give them!

Oh my gosh! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this! I'm sure your kids are good kids, but right now they need a big reality check!

Good luck!
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Paying
Old 07-28-2012, 04:40 PM
 
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What do you pay for?
If you pay for it, take it away. Why didn't they get jobs for the summer?I would make sure that if you are paying for their food/lodging/expenses) at school that you write the checks directly to whomever. Give them a little for extras each month. Or make them work while they are going to school.
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Daughters!
Old 07-28-2012, 04:40 PM
 
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I'm sorry that I don't have any advice as to what you should do. I just want to offer my sympathy to you- I have one college-aged daughter and she has the biggest fresh mouth; I can only imagine twin fresh mouth daughters!! Two against one is so not fair. I feel for you.
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Wow!!
Old 07-28-2012, 04:42 PM
 
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I'm absolutely appalled by your daughters behavior!! I can't believe that they logged into your bank account and then tried to pressure you into giving them money based on their findings. If I ever thought about doing anything like that as a teen, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be typing this message because I'd be 6 feet under.

Now as for a punishment, I would say no phones and no cars!! If they want those luxuries, they are going to have to work for them. If they've hidden the car keys, I'd take the batteries out of both cars and render them useless. I'd certainly send them off to school without either.

Do you have family members close by that you can reach out to for support? I'd send both girls away for a few days to stay with family if I could. Maybe you can even split them up. I'd also double check your account just to make sure that they didn't make any changes to scheduled payments or anything like that. While you're at it, change your password.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It sounds like your girls need a serious attitude adjustment.


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Old 07-28-2012, 04:45 PM
 
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Ummmm I have been through sending kids to college. I posted on your other post earlier. I thought some of it was just beginning to get that independence they want, but this is batant disrespect!

I would take phones, car, and anything else you pay for. Time for them to figure out who is really in charge. I would hang the college costs over their head. My DD was being unreasonable the other night. We told her if she did X she was on her own financially form that moment on. She thought we were being a little drastic, but low and behold she found a way to see our side!

((((((HUGS))))))
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unbelievable!
Old 07-28-2012, 04:46 PM
 
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I am so angry for you- you don't deserve to be treated this way. They need to start paying for their own luxuries, and they owe you a HUGE apology for treating you so poorly and for the invasion of privacy. If the cars are yours, I would take them away. If they won't give you the keys, you could put a lock on the steering wheel (I'm thinking of that anti-theft device.) If they own their own cars, I would make them get their own insurance. It's kind of hard, though, since they are still dependents while they are going to school. Be careful not to punish yourself while punishing them. If they don't have their cars to get to college, who's going to drive them? But you have 3 weeks to make your point while they are still home, so focus on now and deal with college decisions in 3 weeks. Good luck getting them in line- we have your back!
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:50 PM
 
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I have one daughter who is 13. I cannot imagine two at the same time. God help you! I think you first need to get them on your side. Gather your bills when everyone is calm (mortgage, cars, credit cards, utilities, etc.) and show them what you pay out each month for those and compare it to your monthly income (they've already seen your statements anyway). Add in the need for groceries, entertainment here and there and the need to be prepared for emergencies. Let them know that right now, if someone had a major dental emergency, something happened the transmission on the car, etc., you wouldn't even have enough money to take care of it at the moment. Let them know that love them more than life itself, but you can obviously only do so much. Gauge their reaction to all of that and take it from there. If they do not have their own checking and savings accounts, it's definitely time. Are they going to have jobs in college? If so, after setting up those accounts, give them a reasonable list of what you expect them to pay for out of their own money. If not, tell them how much you will sending per month and that they need to make it last until the next check, that you are not sending more and then you suggest that if they need/want more than that, they need jobs.

Nancy
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I say compromise.
Old 07-28-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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They clearly really want the $20 for the movies. You should give it to them out of the proceeds from selling their cars and cutting off their cell phones. They are going to college, they don't need cars there. Get them a land-line for their dorm rooms. Maybe after a year of this they can behave and you can help them get cell phones again, however if they want cars make them work for it.
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I do not have advice to give, but I wanted to share my support. You have every right to be feeling angry. They crossed a clear boundary line. If you pay for their phones and cars/car insurance, you have every right to take that away. I didn't have a car in college. Hardly any of my friends did. When we wanted to go somewhere, we took a bus, or our parents agreed to lend us a car for the weekend.

Stay strong!
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:52 PM
 
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They had no right to look at your bank account. Not only that, but they feel you are hiding money from them and have EXTRA to spend? Who are they?! They need to learn the value of a dollar. They also need serious consequences for their actions. A parent does not "hide" their money from their children, that is none of the kids business!

- If they hid the car keys then I would take the plates off the car and turn them in to the registry or hide them.

- They should not have access to any computer, tablet or electronic device unless they purchased it.

- Shut their phones off immediately!

- Do NOT send them spending money in college. They can get a job.

- Do you pay for any other monthly expenses? Car insurance? Etc. STOP!

- I would honestly probably get rid of all the food in the house. Then I would give them $40 each for the week and tell them they need to make it last for all their meals for the three weeks they are still home.
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:53 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that I'd be REALLY pissed if my kids did that -- I have an 18 year old and a 21 year old.

My goodness -- I can't believe they looked in your account -- please change your passwords on stuff and password protect your computer. I, like other posters, would take away stuff that you pay for -- phone, car, etc. My dd didn't have a car for her first 2 years of college.

I'd make them earn back whatever you take . . . and I don't know that it would all be given back when they left for college. In fact, if you're paying for college. . . .geez, I'm just so pissed at them for you. I think I'd have to talk to my dh about whether they are mature enough to go to college.

And -- I know you're ticked right now -- but really do think through your consequences for them -- can you maintain them? Will they have to have the things you take away back before they leave?

Can you let them sweat a little? Say that you have to discuss this breach of trust with dh. . . . you have to be prepared to go through with what you decide as a consequence. . . .

Good luck!
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:54 PM
 
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I have one daughter who is 13. I cannot imagine two at the same time. God help you! I think you first need to get them on your side. Gather your bills when everyone is calm (mortgage, cars, credit cards, utilities, etc.) and show them what you pay out each month for those and compare it to your monthly income (they've already seen your statements anyway). Add in the need for groceries, entertainment here and there and the need to be prepared for emergencies. Let them know that right now, if someone had a major dental emergency, something happened the transmission on the car, etc., you wouldn't even have enough money to take care of it at the moment. Let them know that love them more than life itself, but you can obviously only do so much. Gauge their reaction to all of that and take it from there. If they do not have their own checking and savings accounts, it's definitely time. Are they going to have jobs in college? If so, after setting up those accounts, give them a reasonable list of what you expect them to pay for out of their own money. If not, tell them how much you will sending per month and that they need to make it last until the next check, that you are not sending more and then you suggest that if they need/want more than that, they need jobs. And yes, there needs to be a consequence for what they did!

Nancy
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Be Firm But Realistic
Old 07-28-2012, 05:00 PM
 
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Let me preface this by saying I'm the mom of a now grown daughter.

They may have crossed a line, but you need to be cautious about how you handle this. What you do now sets the stage for the future relationship you'll have with your adult children.

Realistically, shutting off their phone service leaves them without a way to call for help or call home. You're shutting them off from you. While you're angry and upset, and it may sound good now, it won't in 3 months or 6 months.

They may have hidden the keys, but *you are the parent, not them*. You have the right to ask for the keys back if you bought the cars, and they're registered in your name. If they are living on campus, they don't need cars. But, if you want them to have cars for school, take away the cars now.

You need to sit down with them and discuss how they violated your trust. Even though they're acting like spoiled kids, they still want to be treated like adults. Talk to them like the young adults they are, tell them how hurt and upset you are, and how they violated your trust. They may not show it to your face, but it will upset them to hear this. Remind them that actions have consequences, even for young adults. Tell them what the consequences are for their actions, and stand firm. BUT, be reasonable so that you're not hurting yourself, them, and your relationship with them in the long run.
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If the vehicles are in your name,
Old 07-28-2012, 05:02 PM
 
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by all means, take them away. I don't know where they are going to school, but college students who live on campus really do NOT need vehicles. My daughter won a parking lottery at her school and we allowed her to take her vehicle. In five years, she barely put 15K on the car. Of course, she went to Berkeley where public transportation is a dream.

But seriously, I would take both vehicles, keys or not. Simply cancel the insurance and/or registration.

I might not cancel the phones, because college dorms no longer have phones in the rooms, I don't think, but I would definitely buy them the kind of phones that are minutes only, no texts, and you load X number of minutes per month. When those are used up, no more minutes.

These girls sound like they are double-tagging you. What one doesn't think of, the other one does. You should also password protect your online bank accounts and make sure you delete your history on a daily basis or set it up to do that automatically.

I would be LIVID if one of my kids ever tried this. They clearly have no idea that just because you have X amount in checking doesn't mean that amount is there to spend, because you may have checks written on it. I probably WOULD take their phones away until they go to college, though. Possibly Internet as well.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:12 PM
 
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{{hugs}}

I would be beyond livid and hurt and betrayed. They have crossed a huge line. Somehow they see themselves as your equal but the reality is you are the parent. Even couples have boundaries that are not crossed, let alone parents and children. They have crossed many boundaries both in actions and words.

Cell phones can be a safety factor for kids heading off to college so I would hesitate to take away their phones. I would however replace whatever phones they currently have with the cheapest pay as you go phone. Think $75 phone and $10 monthly plan. The phone will be for emergencies.

Cars --- definitely gone and sold. Kids don't need cars for school if they are living on campus. Most university towns have pretty good public transportation services for the kids living off campus.
I have sent three kids to university and none of them went with a car.

As for any other expenses --- treat it like a business. Set a budget, determine what expenses you are willing to cover. Give them a set amount of money (eg $500) and do not give them any other money until itemized receipts have been turned in to account for the money. Apparently they will really appreciate this since "you didn't teach them how to do banks."
Boy have you got a learning opportunity for them!!!!!

BTW, do all of this in a sickenly sweet mother-of-the-year, kill-them-with-kindness approach.

Actually I think you will really being doing them a favour. There are some life lessons we all have to learn and handling money is one of those lessons that is best learned early in life. Not to mention treating your mother with respect and dignity.

Have you ever seen the show Princess? I think you can view it in the States. Your girls need to be left alone with Gail for awhile.

http://www.slice.ca/Shows/Princess/d...itle_ID=251057

http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/resources.html


Stay strong. They are trying to bully you.
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hmm
Old 07-28-2012, 05:16 PM
 
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I have NO basis for my thoughts because unlike you, my daughters are 6, 3 and 1. So obviously take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I'll be writing in just a decade or so

Whatever you decide to do, I'd pick a calm time of day, probably the morning, and would talk very evenly and slowly. No yelling (even if they yell). Limit it to stating the one or two points you want to drive home. Say that you are disappointed because of X. The consequence(s) will be X. Don't allow it to be a debate. No back and forth. You have the power; you are the adult (or the one acting like one anyway). Easier said than done I'm sure.

I do like Bioadoptmom's idea on showing them the in/out of the money. Not because you have to explain yourself in anyway, but to show them. Maybe do that after the dust has blown over a bit . Oh, and I love the pp's idea on treating future handouts like a business--with expenses to be covered outlined and then handing in itemized receipts by deadline.

Also, I remember acting *the worst* for my mother in the final weeks before leaving for college each summer. My mom said it must have made the separation easier .
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Wow
Old 07-28-2012, 05:20 PM
 
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I say, its going to be a LONG three weeks!! May you have strength!!
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That is way too far!
Old 07-28-2012, 05:24 PM
 
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1- Cancel texting, data, picture mail, online access on their phones. Leave them only the ability to send and receive phone calls. If necessary, trade in their smart phones (if they have them) for a super basic phone.

2- Buy a "Club" steering wheel lock for each car. Give the keys to a trusted neighbor, friend or family member. Tell them they MIGHT get them back at winter break if they have secured part-time jobs by then.
http://www.walmart.com/search/search...ing+wheel+lock

3- Make sure their meal plans/meal cards and dorms are covered, then no more money. You've taken care of their needs of food and shelter- you're not obligated to get them anything else.

If they don't get this wake-up call now, they will never grow up. Hell, they won't even finish college becuase they obviously feel entitled to anything they want.
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Wow
Old 07-28-2012, 05:29 PM
 
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No offense, but your daughters certainly sound like two spoiled brats. They are in college, and they are demanding money from you? I'm guessing from your posts that you also pay for their cell phones and their cars? Jeez....

Well seeing they are so interested in finding out how bank accounts work, I would immediately take them off of your cell phone family plan or whatever you have them on, and put the phones in their own names requiring them to pay their own bills. If they plan on working at college, they should be able to pay for at least their own phones.

I wouldn't take away the cars because you'll end up having to go back and forth to get them from school. It'll only inconvenience you.

For the remainder of the summer, do not give them any money. If they don't like it, tell them to GET OUT. They are over 18 right? Time to grow up.

And next summer, make them get a job or don't let them come home and mooch off of you.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:31 PM
 
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I don't care if they had 5 minutes remaining before going off to college, they are wrong and disrespectful

I am on my parents banking accounts and have never accessed and would not think to. I would also not be telling my parents how much money they have and that they are lying to me. You told them your budget and that was the end. To then go behind your back and go into your files is beyond the pale.

I would take any and everything away that I and my DH pay for and let the girls know that you are done paying for their living expenses. As to the car keys, if they are hiding them, I would immediately stop payments of any loans. Sell the cars to them or sell them on the open market.

If you decide to keep the cars only let 1 car go away to college and don't pay for anything.


I am so mad at their disrespect I can't believe it. I think how do they know what expenses you might have.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:40 PM
 
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Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I have done the budget talk with them once before. I even typed it up and showed it to them. I agree.. They are acting very entitled. I am going to suspend service on their phones for the next three weeks. I'm not giving them one more dime for anything else. I'm not paying for their college, but I cosigned on loans. I have also purchased all of the necessities... Linens, towels, microwave. We also bought laptops for both of them last year, knowing they would need them in college. They need the cars because they will need jobs. I am not going to support them in any other way. I had planned on sending a little money each month to help out with gas and other needs... But not now. It is time for these two little girls to grow up!
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:41 PM
 
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I haven't read the other responses yet, but this is what I would do....

1. Protect your bank acct immediately with a password.
2. If the cars are in YOUR name and they've hidden the keys, I'd tell them they better hand them over. If they drive the cars, you will call the police and report it as stolen.
3. Take their phones at least until they go to college.
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can you suffer to make them suffer...
Old 07-28-2012, 05:46 PM
 
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flip the breaker to your air conditioning,
agree... terminate or suspend service for cells, and change your passwords ASAP
If needed, disconnect the battery to the car.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:49 PM
 
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I have a friend who has a 22 year old who has yet to complete college because she hates early morning classes and skips them. My friend is still paying for her college. The daughter only calls when she wants something. Comment from my friend, "I know she needs some tough love. I've enabled her." So far, nothing has changed. I hope you are able to follow through. It will be tough but it is time for a wake-up call for your daughters. Good luck to you!
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:49 PM
 
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Make it apparent that you are the parent.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:51 PM
 
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Wow! I am furious for you!!! These girls have no idea how lucky they are. So many people have to buy their own first car and college degree!! They are lucky to have parents who support them. Im sorry they are not acting like it. It sounds like you have consequences all worked out. Please stick to them!!
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:52 PM
 
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whoa

deflate their tires if you can't get their keys. If you get their keys, undo the battery cables or something simple so the cars won't start. Then make spare keys.

Shut off their phones, take away their computers, tell them to get jobs and talk to you when they want their phones back so they can get them in their own name.

Or, make them go volunteer at a homeless shelter to see what poor really is.

and change all your passwords
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:54 PM
 
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Quote:
They are so young to think $90 in checking and $300 in savings is luxury money.
exactly

it's a lot when you don't have bills and kids, but peanuts when you have responsibilities

oh, I thought of another. Gather all your bills in a pile, print out your bank statement and tell them they can have $15 when they figure out where the spare will come from
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:56 PM
 
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I love bookgeek's advice. Perfect. I would start off by saying, "Girls, thank you for reminding me that I only have $90 in my savings. I really should have more saved for emergencies. Looks like we really have to make some changes.... then go with what everyone else has said and cut back on the phones and cars.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:57 PM
 
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Love this!
Quote:
they clearly really want the $20 for the movies. You should give it to them out of the proceeds from selling their cars and cutting off their cell phones. They are going to college, they don't need cars there. Get them a land-line for their dorm rooms. Maybe after a year of this they can behave and you can help them get cell phones again, however if they want cars make them work for it.
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:01 PM
 
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You have been given good advice. here is my advice (and I don't have a daughter but a DS in college, a few hours away).

1..cell phones are necessary in college simply to keep in touch. I don't think there are landlines anymore either. Basic phones...text and calling. no smart phone/data plan.

2. no cars in college. You said they need them for jobs. They can get a job on campus. If they whine they need to get around on campus, walk, ride the campus shuttle, buy a bike. Absolutely no cars at college.

3. No cars now....if they want to go somewhere, they will have to pawn a ride from a friend.

4. Change all your passwords on accounts. They have totally crossed the line here by looking up your bank acct.

5. don't buy them anything else for school. As long as they have the basics, they are good.

6. my DS's school has a meal plan you can purchase for the SY. Buy the cheapest one as they won't eat as much as you think.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. They need a step into reality.

(((hugs)))
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:01 PM
 
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Quote:
They need the cars because they will need jobs. I am not going to support them in any other way. I had planned on sending a little money each month to help out with gas and other needs... But not now. It is time for these two little girls to grow up!
jobs should've come first

Stay Strong!
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Hmmm......
Old 07-28-2012, 06:03 PM
 
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In defense of the "twin angels" my guess is if they are old enough to be going to college this year then it is fair to say that they didn't just start treating you this way or talking to you like that yesterday! It may be a little too late to start tough loving them, but treating them like adults at this point is what you can do. I would talk to them and express how I felt, but starting a rebellious revolt 3 weeks before they are really free to do as they please is not what you want. You will assume they're going to class and working, but if you're not there and they're not talking to you how will you know. Just tell them to keep living and pray that they have kids one day, they'll get payback in due time!
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That's a bad thing about twins.
Old 07-28-2012, 06:06 PM
 
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What one doesn't think of, the other does. I know--I am a twin.
I think it's important to take their cars away. If you can't take their keys, make it where they can't be driven at all. Canceling their registration or insurance will not stop them from driving. Then you have a whole new set of problems to deal with. You do not want to start dealing with problems with the law.
I like the idea a pp had about sitting down with them and killing them with kindness. Tell them nicely, but in no uncertain terms that they crossed the line, and their cars and phones are no longer available to them for the rest of the time they are at home. They will have to earn back those privileges. How long that will take depends upon how respectful and helpful they are during the rest of the summer. That gives you time to decide if you want to give any of those things back when they go to college. You know whether they will really need them or not.
Good luck. I hope they learn their lesson.
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:23 PM
 
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I have an 18 DD hitting college soon also. I rarely give her money to go out, and when we do it is a treat and not expected. I would be beyond mad if she checked my accounts and tried to use that for leverage. I would take the car and the phones until they leave for college. I already insist that she have a job, but I know she will have to cut her hours soon. Stand tough, they need to stand on their own since they are now adults.
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Disconnecting under the hood
Old 07-28-2012, 07:02 PM
 
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Going off what a P.P. said about not canceling their insurance & registration b/c they will continue to keep driving the cars & you need to make it so they can't drive the cars, my advice would be disconnecting something under their hoods. One time when my dad didn't want my sister to drive her car, that's what he did. It's hard to go somewhere if the car doesn't start.

Good luck. Hang in there for the next 3 weeks.
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Take the cars away
Old 07-28-2012, 07:08 PM
 
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I didn't have a car for the first couple of years of college (my clunker wouldn't have made it). My parents drove me a thousand miles to drop me off in August and then to pick me up in May. Your girls will live. They can work on campus, walk around town, and make friends with kids with cars.

Good luck with the next few weeks, months, etc.
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:14 PM
 
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So they have the keys....remove the car batteries! Definitely shut off the phone service...they can get jobs and pay for their own "luxuries"--feed and clothe them.
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Update
Old 07-28-2012, 07:42 PM
 
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After talking with my mom, and taking a Valium , I think I've come up with a more appropriate consequence. Since they accessed my account through the computer, I have taken (and hidden) their laptops. I've also changed the password for my computer. I did change the bank account information, so they can't access it again. I had a file saved on my computer with all my account information (which they knew about, obviously). So, I've renamed it and "hidden" it on my computer. I'm turning their phones off tomorrow. I'm planning on turning them back on when they head off to college, but I'm not going to tell them that...going to make them sweat it out. I haven't had a chance to talk with them, because apparently they're too afraid to come home...as they should be! They have not returned from the movies, and I think they may be staying with their friend tonight....probably planning on meeting up at church tomorrow and that I will have calmed down and "forgotten" this. I hope their friend can bring them home, because I have other plans after church and will not be home until late. I am going to inform them of the punishment tomorrow at church (they can't be disrespectful there!). As far as the cars go, I'm not going to do anything with that. If they want to go anywhere or do anything, gas is on THEM! I have filled their last tank! Since dh and I can't, and won't, provide any money for them at college, they are going to have to have a way to make money. They are going to separate colleges, and the towns don't have a good transportation system (small town private colleges).

I think the lack of communication with ANYONE for a few weeks should open their eyes a bit. If not, then the phone and laptops will continue to be mine. They may hate me when they go off to college, but hopefully they will see what they have done was not only out of line, but illegal! They are usually pretty good girls...we have arguments like any mother/daughter. But as I said, I would have never thought they'd pull a stunt like this. Talk about being too big for your britches!!

PS The dd who said she hated me sent me a text and said she didn't mean it. I guess the enormity of what she did/said is sinking in. I didn't respond. Just going to let her sit on it for a while.
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cars
Old 07-28-2012, 07:48 PM
 
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you posted here for advice, so I'll throw my 2 cents in...

I think it's a mistake not taking away car privileges (and they are PRIVILEGES) They'll just choose to run around and not come home. I agree with the phone and laptop stuff.
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hmmm...
Old 07-28-2012, 07:54 PM
 
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I would cut off their phones for the next 2 or 3 weeks.. and say you'll reconsider when they go to school..

No $$$ for anything the next 3 weeks, sorry!

Change your passwords.

Wait til Dad comes home to figure out the car situation.. then you have some backup.
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i am sure u got great advice....
Old 07-28-2012, 08:11 PM
 
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What I would do...

Make them their own acct on home computer and password protect u and dh accrual. Change bank accrual and ALL passwords to everything. Disable their cars until you get the keys then make copies of the keys....several of them. I would not give them any more spending money or fun stuff. They crossed the line. Your budget is not their business. All you felt was totally justified. Good luck and be aware they will probably learn some good lessons while away at school
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omg!
Old 07-28-2012, 08:18 PM
 
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1. Of course you would get the ONE set of twins that hang out together and back each other uo instead of throwing each other under the bus....ha ha ha.

2. My twin and I are 28. College was not TOO long ago. My twin was an RA to pay for her dorm room. I had three jobs: Early childhood center worker, receptionist and night watch woman at a front desk. That was just to pay for my room!

3 I had to take out loans for books and food. My state paid my tuition, yay!

4. No car. No computer. No cell phone. I had to go to the library or computer lab for homework.


Those girls do not know that the 300 dollars in your checking must be saved for the monthly things that crop up. They do not understand that, had you been a spender, the car would not have tires, etc. 300 is not as much as it sounds like to a kid.



You are going to have to take everything away. I remember your other posts. They are not learning via your gentle methods. I would pay for books and school stuff, but bare necessities only.So sad, but they will freak out and stress out when they try to become independent so it is kind to let them do this now.
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Ugh!
Old 07-28-2012, 08:57 PM
 
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I am sorry your daughters are acting like spoiled brats! If it were me, I think I would take away EVERYTHING I pay for... every. last. thing. Time for tough love, IMO.
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Students have been attending those small-
Old 07-28-2012, 08:59 PM
 
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town colleges for years without cars. I went to college in a town where I first lived in the dorms for about a year, then moved to an apartment across town. I had to walk about 2.5 miles each way to and from school. This was in Northern New York, so sometimes it was freezing. In the spring, summer, and fall, I rode my bike. They will survive, believe me, but the lifestyle will be altered.

You may have to send their laptops with them because so much depends on computers these days. My daughter even had classes where they overbooked the rooms and asked some students to watch the classes on webcam. Plus they need them to take notes and do research, etc.

But do take the cars and severely limit the phone service and stop supporting their social lives. They sound just awful. If I had ever done such a thing to my mom (clearly not Internet, because we didn't have it, but something comparable in terms of invading her privacy AND demanding money), she would have, as she always threatened, "knocked me into the middle of next week somewhere." These girls need a reality check and you are the only one who can give it. They will beg, cry, scream, threaten, cajole, and try to manipulate you - hang tough.
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just a thought about the phones
Old 07-28-2012, 10:06 PM
 
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Walmart and Target have pay as you go phones, no contract, basic phones. You could cancel their accounts and get them one of those for emergencies and tell them that any extra has to be paid by them.

I think it was a very good idea to change your passwords and hide your reminder file. I grinned and said, "You go, girl!" when you took their laptops. Fair consequence there!
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I agree with all above
Old 07-29-2012, 02:51 AM
 
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... who have said take everything, even cars (disable them if you have to).

I'll be honest, my first thought is that they haven't come up with this attitude overnight. I have read some of your previous posts, and whilst my two (twin boys, admittedly) are only 7... I guess I can appreciate the working together etc. ... I just... sorry... but I just can't believe the way they spoke to you, and now even that they are not contacting you ...

Quote:
They have not returned from the movies, and I think they may be staying with their friend tonight....probably planning on meeting up at church tomorrow and that I will have calmed down and "forgotten" this.
This is just as disrespectful as, if not more than, the earlier attitude. Realistically, right now, you'd don't know where they are, or if they are safe. They have not come home to face the music. I know you have said that the one who said she hates you has apologised... so why are they not home? And why are they scared? They have each other to face the music with together? It sounds more to me like they are continuing their disrespectful attitude and living it up tonight before coming home to face the music.

I'm probably a mean mum, but I'd honestly be at their friends door tonight, not making a scene, but quietly telling them that if they DON'T want a scene, they will be getting in the car and coming home with you RIGHT NOW to discuss this.

As I said, I guess this is not the first time they've displayed this attitude, and honestly if they were mine there would've been no phone or car long before now if that is their general attitude... but again, I'm mean. My kids recently saved for and bought their own iPods. They thought they'd be smarty pants and tell me that I couldn't ever take them because they paid for them. ... My reply. Watch me.

.... not a week later they lost them for a week over their attitude/behaviour... they learnt pretty fast. It's their 'currency'. Even though your girls are much older, they still have 'currency' (phones, laptops, cars... money for going out)... I'd just take it all. It wouldn't be returned any time soon ... until their attitude changed for the better - consistently.

Considering they are likely to meet you at church tomorrow (where you say they can't be disrespectful)... it might be a good time to remind them of the 10 Commandments. “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12 NIV)...
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Careful
Old 07-29-2012, 04:04 AM
 
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Quote:
I'm not paying for their college, but I cosigned on loans.

As of now, you ARE paying for their college.



Just because they are going to college does not mean they HAVE to have all the luxuries. Especially if they are going to "small private colleges!" If they want a phone, they will work for it and appreciate it. Let them get a jpob on campus or close by. Even small colleges have shops and small stores in the area. They can walk or find rides with others.

I went through this with my now 19yo DS. He managed to pay for his own phone.
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good plan, twinangels
Old 07-29-2012, 04:34 AM
 
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I think you came up with a plan that will work for you and your family. You need to be comfortable with what they will have as far as safety and employment. When your DH is home you can ammend your consequences as you see fit. When my DS was being difficult during his sophmore year, I was reminded that the one with the money had all the power. Ah, yes. Power is good. You, and they, will be just fine. It's good that you are reining them in and giving them a reality check. You go, girl!
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Old 07-29-2012, 05:37 AM
 
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Hang tough. I am concerned that you have given yourself an out by hiding their laptops and allowing the car to be at their disposal. I find their behavior despicable and very manipulative. They seem to be controlling you and I am concerned you had to take a valium and do security work on your computer in your home in order for the girls not to have access to your information. This has gone way too far and your sense of home security has been broken.

My son went without a car,after having one, for two years and learned the hard way, as most kids do, that we are all living the consequences of our good and bad choices.

I get your worry but it should not trump your personal sense of security in your home.
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:21 AM
 
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I would have called the police and said my account was illegally broken into. Then press charges on the kids. Yes this is why I have NO business having kids nor could I handle them.

Reading stories like these is my form of birth control as anytime I get stupid when it comes to sex I recall these posts on PT and use protection.

But I do agree with your plan and do not cave!
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:38 AM
 
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You THINK they maybe staying with a friend?!?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!
Is this normally allowed they just do as they please????? I would be over there so fast their head would spin!!!!!! Even when my daughter moved home after college and stayed until she was married at 24 she had home curtesy rules!!!! If your not coming home she still had to call and say Im not coming home I will be here or there!!!!!! So I wouldnt be worried and god for bid something happened I had somewhere to start looking!!!!

As far as keeping the cars H E double hockey sticks NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The rest of you plan is good just stick to it!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-29-2012, 07:09 AM
 
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Wow! You have a lot going on. I'd get them prepaid phones where they'll have to watch their minutes (plus don't pay for any more minutes). Take the cars - they can ride a bus or walk.

Please let us know how things turn out. I'll be praying that you hang tough!
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