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Hurtful words toward my mom
Old 06-17-2019, 03:04 PM
  #1

My older sister and I were raised in a loving home, at least that’s my take on it. My sister (who lives 4 hours away) has always had issues with how we were raised. We never “heard” the word love (mom didn’t hear it growing up either in her dysfunctional home) but I felt cared for and loved. My mom had a HORRIBLE childhood and managed to become an incredible woman whom everyone adores! She wasn’t a perfect mom but who is? (certainly not my sister).

DS has had issues all of her life and not the best marriage in the world. She has therapists that tell her to confront those that have done her wrong. At age 51, she recently did just that. She took our mom out for coffee and proceeded to tell her what a horrible person and mother she was and that she ruined her life! My mom was understandably devastated and shocked.

She told her other hurtful things as well that were just plain mean! My mom told me all of the things said to her and I felt sick hearing this. DS is my only sibling and I would like to continue my relationship with her (she’s having a 50th bday party for me next week and we’re taking a trip across the US to see her daughter’s new baby in August).

This behavior toward our mom, who has supported my sister in adulthood through everything is not ok! Mom doesn’t want me to say anything to DS about this but I am so mad at her. I just can’t imagine telling another human being how horrible they are, let alone my mom.

Had one of my sister’s 3 kids said this to HER she would have been crushed but it’s apparently ok to tell her own mother this? My DS and I have lived far apart for 30 years and we’re not super close but I do love her and want to enjoy our time together this summer. My folks moved closer to us recently instead of DS and her family and my sister wonders why!

So, do I bring this up or let it go? I’m torn.


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Old 06-17-2019, 03:22 PM
  #2

I'd let it go..... especially since your Mom doesn't want you to say anything. Just try to be extra good to your Mom now and realize that your sister has problems and it's not your job to "fix" her. She is who she is and you're not going to change her. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, I think you just have to let it go....or you just might be the next one on her list that she feels she needs to tell off!!! I pity her as she doesn't sound like a very happy person and you do!! Take the high road....and be good to Mom.
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Old 06-17-2019, 03:26 PM
  #3

I would respect my mother's wishes and not bring it up with my sister. However, if sister starts a dialogue, I would tell her how I feel.
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Old 06-17-2019, 03:29 PM
  #4

How awful! Seems like you’re stuck in he middle.
Quote:
Mom doesn’t want me to say anything to DS about this
Then why did she tell you?
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Hurtful words
Old 06-17-2019, 03:39 PM
  #5

I would let it go for now. I suspect your mom might be in shock. Check in with her in a week,or two and see how she feels about it all then.

I don’t know what to say about a continued relationship with your sister, now that you have this information. Personally, I would find it odd and awkward for her to be comfortable and loving to me, but not our mom....since she raised you both.


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Amiga...
Old 06-17-2019, 04:38 PM
  #6

My mom wanted to know if I thought she was an awful person and mother as well. She was crying so hard. It was heartbreaking.

By the way, my mom couldn’t tell my dad what DS said. He wasn’t the most affectionate father (his mom had her own issues which rubbed off on him) and would have confronted my sister in a bad way.

I can say that based on the way I was raised my 22 year old son absolutely knows how much he is loved and hears it on a very regular basis.
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Old 06-17-2019, 05:00 PM
  #7

Katluv, oh I see. Thanks for explaining. But I still feel like you got stuck in the middle—and I feel bad for you.
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Old 06-17-2019, 05:11 PM
  #8

The only relationship you can manage is the one you have with your sister. I know what she did upset you, but she views her childhood differently than you do. She gets to have her own perspective. That sucks to be in the middle of it. I'm really sorry.
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Old 06-17-2019, 05:35 PM
  #9

I'm sure most people will disagree with me, but I think counseling can sometimes create issues that were never there in the first place. I have a dear friend whose son went to school for a psychology degree and he dredged up false accusations of abuse by both his parents. You would have to meet them to understand this could never happen.

My own DIL has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and she has labeled me as a mean girl and has forced my son to limit visits with us. Anyone who knows me just can't believe I have a mean girl personality.

That doesn't really help your mom, but I understand false accusations and counselling creating problems instead of solving them. I think some counsellors take a small incident most of us would just shrug off and encourage the "victim" to spin it into something that really wasn't there.

Your support and affirmation of your mom will be very important to her and might be the only thing that keeps her from questioning how she handled one of the most taxing jobs of her life - motherhood. My other son has been extremely supportive and just shakes his head. I cling to his support. Tell her she's not alone.
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Old 06-17-2019, 06:37 PM
  #10

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katluv
So, do I bring this up or let it go? I’m torn.
Let it go. Whatever is going on between your sister and your mom is between them. Please don't let them put you in the middle. When your sister/mom says anything about your mom/sister to you, say, "you need to talk to Mom/Sister about that." Be a broken record.

My sisters and I have often commented about the difference in our memories of our parents. As the youngest, my parents were MUCH different with me than with my oldest sister who had horrible issues with Mom. I had my own issues with her but nothing like what Oldest Sister says she had. I wish I'd known and followed my own advice. Things would have been much better for everyone.


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Old 06-18-2019, 04:16 AM
  #11

Don't get involved and try not to judge. (That would be hard for me, too.) Sometimes in these emotional confrontations what is heard isn't exactly what was said. Hopefully this confrontation is the first step in clearing the air and arriving at a place of forgiveness.

When I was in my mid-20's I had some things I had to get off my chest with my mother. I didn't tell her she was a horrible person or that she had ruined my life but she was very hurt and I think that's how she felt at first. We got past it in pretty short order, talked through it and ended up closer than before.

I hope your sister's therapist is wise enough to tell her that confrontation may be step 1 but, ultimately, there's no point if forgiveness isn't step 2. If it's just a "hit-and-run" confrontation, it may not be too helpful. If your sister does bring it up to you, that's all I'd say.

And, it does strike me as a little manipulative for your mother to put you in a position where you feel as though you have to take sides or defend your mom.
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Let it go...
Old 06-18-2019, 05:43 AM
  #12

My relationship with my mother and father are totally different from my sister and brother. We all have our versions on how we lived it. We all saw it through different eyes.

I have made peace with my parents. Both were flawed humans who should have never gotten married or had kids. That was 1960 for you.

They tried, badly. But I give them props for trying.

My sister thinks my mother was a saint who could do no wrong. I reality, my mom had a DSM V pages of psychiatric issues. Would it have done any good to confront my mom, who was a narcissist and had borderline personality disorder at age 70, why was my childhood a napalm tire fire? Nope.

My question to you, is why you need to defend your mom and throw your two pennies in on the hat? Your mom is triangulating you and your sister to stir sh*t up.

What you should have said to your mom is, "What do you want me to do with this information?" It's really gossip (you weren't there for the conversation), and who knows what mileage your mom is hoping to get out of it. When you call the gossip information, it usually stops the other person. What exactly is your mom wanting for telling another person a very private conversation?

Your family has a lot of boundary stomping issues. Mom running her mouth to you is a HUGE neon sign as a warning. If people run their mouths about personal conversations to others, they are doing the same about you.

My mom could have taught a master class in dysfunctional family dynamics, and manipulation. This whole scenario is a chapter ripped from her text book, and good for 6 months of screaming pot stirring.

NONE is any of your concern.

You can't control how your sister feels about her childhood. You didn't live her life during that moment in time.

Who cares what DS kids think in a theoretical situation?

Your mom is a grown woman who should be able to fight her own battles, and not pit one child against the other.

I would be very careful playing the role of good kid vs ungrateful snot. When my brother and I finally made brick wall boundaries with my mom, she turned on my sister using heaps of guilt and shame. My sister got dragged through a wood chipper emotionally. My mom got to play outraged victim and my sister was her chew toy.

Don't let mom fool you. She wants you tear it up with your sister. Otherwise, she wouldn't have said a thing. My mom did this all.the.time.

Good luck! Both my parents are dead, but this firestorm (which was never ending), I do not miss.
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So hard...
Old 06-18-2019, 05:53 AM
  #13

My sister distanced herself from our mother. Mom died 7 years ago. While she was sick she asked me if my sister cared about her. Of course I said yes. I held it together until mom was gone, with family holidays, etc. Since then i’ve rarely seen or talked to my sister. We are just very different people. When my 96 year old dad is gone I doubt that we will have any contact.

Think through what outcome you want in your relationship with your sister before doing or saying anything.
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Avoid conflict
Old 06-18-2019, 06:29 AM
  #14

I would stay out of this mess.
Nothing good can come from it.

Life is too short. Be supportive to your sister and your Mother by listening only. They need to work it out not you.
Prayers
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What to Do
Old 06-18-2019, 09:45 AM
  #15

I would let it go. Everyone experiences things in their own way, and your sister has a different perception of her childhood than you do.

It is between your sister and your mother. There's no need to get involved.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:19 AM
  #16

It is interesting how people raised in the same house can have different versions of what childhood was like. I know my sister has a wildly different version of childhood than I do.

I wouldn’t bring it up unless your sister does. Then just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I always thought mom was loving in the way she knew how to be, by taking care of us.”

Can you spend some extra time with your mom without bringing up the subject? Just do some fun things to make her feel appreciated.
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Childhood
Old 06-18-2019, 12:42 PM
  #17

I have given up talking to my siblings about my childhood because their perceptions are so different from mine.

They are in denial about many difficult things that happened and are no support whatsoever. Sigh . . .
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Let it go
Old 06-18-2019, 03:36 PM
  #18

I say this because it sounds like your sister is using the "confront those who have hurt you" idea to hurt others, instead. She has said her peace with Mom, let that between them and know that Mom needed to tell someone - that was you. It's hard to be stuck in the middle, but hopefully it you can try not to let it become your burden.
I have a not so DS who unloaded a heap of sh!! after both our parents were gone - it landed on me. It took a bit of processing for me to understand that her issues weren't with me and she wanted to make someone feel as lousy as she did. She had so many unresolved issues with our parents. (She thought they were awful - I felt loved and secure - same home, same parents. )
Just let it go and love your family the way you want to. Be true to yourself and enjoy your time with your Mom and on your trip.
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Old 06-18-2019, 09:17 PM
  #19

Your mom (as most are) is the best mom she knows how to be and that best is different for all moms. I wouldn’t say anything to your sister- unless she brings it up.
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