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Sad Christmas
Old 12-22-2009, 06:43 PM
 
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This is going to be such a sad christmas for me this year. My husband passed away this past year. So its just me, my daughter and her boyfriend. Luckily my sister who I normally don't spend holidays with invited us over to spend Christmas with her, her husband and my two nephews.

Half of the family I had won't be here. My stepkids really haven't spoken much to me since their dad's death. Their loyalty is to their mom. I've tried to continue a relationship with them, but they don't want one. When I suggested Christmas at my house like we've always done, my stepdaughter told me how hard it is to juggle 3 families and since her dad is no longer alive she sees no need to do holidays at my house. That really hurt. What hurts even more is I was "grandma" to my stepkids' children, but I have seen those babies in a very long time. I feel like I was only "tolerated" for 20 years and that I'll easily be forgotten by my grandkids. There were probably signs I didn't see cause my stepkids did a good job of pretending to like me. I feel like half of my life was for nothing. I tried so hard to love those kids and grandkids and now feel like I am nothing. Not only have I lost my husband, but I have lost my grandkids as well.


 

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Old 12-22-2009, 06:48 PM
 
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What a terrible situation for you. I am so sorry for your loss and you will be in my prayers. I am glad you have your daughter and sister to spend the holidays with. I pray for peace for you and your family.
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Emotions
Old 12-22-2009, 06:49 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you are experiencing such sad emotions and loss this Christmas. I'm sure you love those kids and are still reaching out. They will come around too. The past 20 years meant a lot to them too! It's nice that Christmas is one day. Make the other 364 work for you! ((((hugs)))))
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Old 12-22-2009, 06:51 PM
 
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I am so sorry for the loss of your DH and now it seems your grandkids. I know juggling families can be hard and I'm sure his kids are really hurting too.

Maybe you could suggest that you get together on a different day. I learned my first year of marriage that Christmas is about the season and not about celebrating on a certain day.

Sending ((((HUGS)))) and prayers to you!
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((hugs))
Old 12-22-2009, 06:59 PM
 
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(((((((hugs))))))


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Old 12-22-2009, 07:13 PM
 
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No wonder you are hurt. I don't blame you at all. After Christmas I would either call, write or email her and tell her that though she sees no reason to continue the relationship anymore, you miss her and the grandkids and would like to get together for lunch, or at your house, or whatever on a date that works for her. Give her a few options and follow up. She needs to know that the kids and you are being effected too, that its not just about her.

(((((HUGS))))) and prayers for you and your family! I know it will be hard this year, but at least you are starting a new tradition. Maybe you'll enjoy going to your sister's house. You might also look at starting some other traditions for next year.

We are here for you!

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I am so sorry
Old 12-22-2009, 07:45 PM
 
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You may be right, they may forget you because their parents choose not to make you part of their life. I would continue to send cards and gifts on holidays and tell them each time that you would love to see them. Good luck. Your husband would want you to be happy. It may be time to think about starting some new traditions. Travel during the holiday? Spend Christmas Eve with your daughter at a spa getting facials, pedicures and manicures? Donate time at the local soup kitchen? Try to find something you would be able to look forward to. I know it is a difficult time for you. Hang in there and I hope in time you will find joy in the Christmas holiday again.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish some people would be more appreciative of what they have.

If you want, you can cyber-adopt my kids. They only have one set of grandparents(my parents) to love them. They got screwed on DH's side of the family. We haven't talked to his m and sf since our DS was born 10 yrs ago. His f and sm were in our lives for a few years, but because we don't have drama in our lives and can take care of ourselves are no longer interested. I sent a xmas card which had a picture of our kids so they could actually see what they look like and what do I get back...a card with the other grandkids and a letter telling all the things they have done with their "grandchildren". Boy that made me feel ducky!
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Tolerated
Old 12-22-2009, 08:28 PM
 
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I'm sooo sorry that you are hurting. I have no advice to give but just wanted to send ((((((((HUGS)))))))) and prayers your way.
(((((Hugs)))))
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:21 PM
 
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My heart is breaking for you. I agree with the pp - make a phone call after Christmas. Get your feelings off your chest. My DH has 3 children and 3 grandchildren, and God forbid something ever happened to him I would be devastated that they wouldn't want to continue being a part of my life. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


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Old 12-22-2009, 09:27 PM
 
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I am so sorry!! I am hoping that your husband's children are also grieving and maybe right now they need some space. Like other posters I would keep trying. Hugs to you.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:53 PM
 
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I am so sorry for all your heartache. As a stepchild, and thus a step grandchild. Let me, assure you that your kindness and love will NEVER be forgotten from your grandbabies.
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Old 12-22-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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My worry is that the grandkids will forget me. All of them are under the age of 7 so I could definitely see that happening if my stepkids don't let me see them again. And DH's exwife is so involved with those grandkids that she's always been the "favorite". Even when DH was alive, the grandkids would "forget" that I am "Grandma". Obviously my stepkids never taught them to call me that. So things like this just make me feel even more like an outsider. Some of it is my fault though. When DH and I married we each just dealt with our own kids. I never really got involved with his kids lives and DH didn't get involved in my daughter's life. All the kids were teenagers when we married and our thought was the kids didn't need a 3rd parent since both his kids and my daughter had both of their parents in their lives. Maybe that was a mistake cause DH's kids have grown up to believe that I am not an important person in the family.
 
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((((((Hugs)))))))))
Old 12-23-2009, 02:45 AM
 
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I wish I could comfort you.
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Old 12-23-2009, 04:07 AM
 
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Thinking of you...(((((HUGS)))))
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Losing someone sure changes things
Old 12-23-2009, 04:14 AM
 
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I have watched in my husband's family how death has changed the dynamics of his family. It does feel like the family was loyal to that one person they lost and don't care about the others, but really that's not true. Young families today are so busy and under so much pressure. It does take a lot to juggle three families, and in their youth, your step-children have made a big mistake. Are you willing to believe that their choice of not spending Christmas with you was just that, a mistake? I believe in time, they will understand why that was not the decision they should have made, but first they need to live life a little. Until then, don't take it personally. Don't give up on seeing those grandchildren, or step-children for that matter. Make it as convenient for them as possible. Will they allow you to pop in, even if just for a few minutes somewhere on Christmas Day? If not, perhaps, Christmas Eve, or in the days that follow? Don't let them break the ties - old habits are hard to break. Just keep looking for ways to visit, or perhaps plan some grandchild days at your house, or take one or a few out for the day or keep one for the night sometime.

My own mother didn't take the time to be Grandma to my kids. She was really involved when they were younger and as they got older, she got busy with her own life. We got to a point to where she was only Grandma on birthdays and Christmas. I've noticed she is trying to make it up with my grandkids now. She takes my little granddaughter at least once a month, whether it be for the day or overnight. She makes it easy on my daughter by picking her up. She looks for days that are convenient, ie. after a family gathering, my granddaughter might go home with my mom. She's a good grandma, a good great grandma. It's wasn't all her fault. I no longer drive due to a medical problem and my husband works too much to take us to see her. She works alot and takes time to help a special needs child they know. We all just got busy living our lives and didn't make time for one another.

Relationships can be built or repaired starting today. I'm sorry if you do miss Christmas with them, please refuse to hurt over it. Make plans on how you will be in their lives as soon as you can. At least that will give you something to look forward to.
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