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don't think dh loves me anymore:(
Old 04-28-2013, 02:24 PM
  #1

DH dropped a bomb on me. He said that we've drifted apart and we have nothing in common. That he's felt like this for years(!), but it has been tearing him apart the last few months. He says I deserve better than him. He's going away for 4 weeks and he thinks that'll be good to see if he misses me or not.

The other part is that I think he's cheating on me. He has been pretty distant the past few months. And a number of events have lead me to believe this. First he went out with his work friends one night to a game. He said he only had 6 tickets(he could have easily got one for me) and he just wanted to hang out with his friends. This one girl who has never been part of that group went. Well, the game ended and 2 hours later, still no DH, no phone call. I called him and he said he went to a bar with 2 of the friends to watch golf. Yes, one was that girl. I asked him why he didn't call, he said he didn't know, he just wanted to be with his friends.
2. He's been carrying around his phone constantly and checking it and texting or he could be checking his email. I don't know, it's a work phone.
3. This is the biggy. I asked him if I could use his Ipad, it took him a few minutes to give it to me, he was doing something to it first. Well, I checked his Skype recent activity and there was activiy from FR. No name, just initials. I looked at it and there was something everyday and a video at the beginning. I couldn't watch it because he was right there. I planned on watching it in the morning, well, guess what? the whole activity was deleted!! I asked him about it and he said she's just a friend and he confides in her about US!! He later said she's a good friend and has been for a while. Well, her name has never come up as a work friend whom he hangs out with. She just recently started coming into the picture because I've been snooping.
4. He barely touches me or hugs me. I tell him I love him and he kinda mumbles I love you back.

I just don't know what to do. He leaves tomorrow and I'll have no control over who he's skyping and I don't believe I can check on that. How can I get him back if he's going to be out of the country for 4 weeks? I can't compete with distance.

Sorry for rambling. Just needed to get this out. I'm very sad. (We've been married for over 20 years, maybe this is just a mid-life crisis?)
Any advice?


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Old 04-28-2013, 02:32 PM
  #2

Do you want to be in an unhappy marriage? I would begin to get things in order and have a plan should he decide to end it. I know its hard to do, but I was blindsided and didn't react well, so be prepared for either.

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF most of all
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Old 04-28-2013, 02:38 PM
  #3

I agree...spend some to the time he is gone to get your finances etc in order...don't be caught off guard...maybe talk to a lawyer? I don't know it seems to be a very sad time for you! Hugs!
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I'm so sorry
Old 04-28-2013, 02:50 PM
  #4

I think the fact that he is confiding in another woman about you, is a huge red flag. I fear he is trying to give you clues so that you can figure out the truth; that way he doesn't have to tell you straight out. Where is he going for 4 weeks?
I agree with the others. Start to get things in order and don't be a victim in this. Stand your ground, suggest marriage counseling (if you want to try to restore your marriage).
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
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Protect yourself
Old 04-28-2013, 03:01 PM
  #5

Check any joint accounts for missing sums of cash. Move your pay from going into any jointly held accounts even if you need to get a paper check. Start your own checking and savings accounts. Consult with a lawyer if you decide to just let his honey have him. ( I my situation he was over his honey in six months. No I didn't go back). Decide if you just want him gone (go irreconcilable)or fight for years to expose his cheating or emotional affair. It rots,but you can stand up and think about yourself first and let him stew. PM me if you need an ear.


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Old 04-28-2013, 03:01 PM
  #6

(((Hugs))) My mom always says that guys don't just leave unless they have something else lined up . I always balk when she says that but honestly, she has been right more often than not. Take to heart the advice of PTers....there is wealth of knowledge and experience here.
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I'm so sorry
Old 04-28-2013, 03:05 PM
  #7

I think we have instincts for a reason, and you should listen to yours.

Others have posted some great advice - I wonder if your health insurance/workplace (his or yours) offers access to EAP? You could start some counseling, for yourself, and probably get some free legal advice. My best friend was in this situation - don't let yourself get dragged down by his choices, and don't let him wreck your finances. If you don't stay together than you're just one step ahead in the healing process, and if you do stay together you'll be on firmer ground.

You're in my thoughts.
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marriage
Old 04-28-2013, 03:09 PM
  #8

I've stayed in my marriage too long and always hoped things would change. Now I am older, children grown, and will probably tough it out. There are some good times, but very little affection, communication, or respect. I think of a saying my mom always says to me, "You don't want someone if they don't want you." I wish I would have listened to this advice years ago. I stayed for my children and they have turned out well, but it was a sacrifice on my part.
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Old 04-28-2013, 03:12 PM
  #9

At the least, he's having an emotional affair. I'm sorry.

He may be going through an MLC, but no matter what you call it, he's checked out of the marriage, at least for the time being.

During that 4 week period, let him be. If he calls, be positive, but distant. Don't whine. Cry. Beg him to come back. Etc. Stay busy.
Spoil yourself. Don't take every call he makes to you. Limit your calls/texts/communication to him. Sound strong when talking to him. Be strong. Confident. Maybe see a counselor while he's gone.
Definitely get your banking affairs in order.

I've been there, done that. We made it through, but boy was it a tough road for me. PM me if you need an ear.

Divorcebusters is a great book and website for tips on staying strong and focused.

Hugs to you. We're here for you! Many have been through this.
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No real advise
Old 04-28-2013, 03:15 PM
  #10

But wanted to say to REALLY think about what pp said about finances in order, i know that sounds awful but you'd be surprised at how you can go from having enough $ to all of a sudden having none without even knowing it.

Also, try to take care of yourself & think about what YOU really want. I hope things work out for the best.


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Old 04-28-2013, 03:22 PM
  #11

I'm very sorry for you. I have no experience or advice to give you, but I've seen friends have this happen to them. I've always thought....It could happen to any of us. I'm glad some of the other PTers can give you advice. I'm sending love and prayers to you.
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Old 04-28-2013, 03:40 PM
  #12

I agree that it is smart to get your finances in order and not tied to him. I know this would be tough to do with someone you love but if my guy needed four weeks to decide if he missed me or not I would be making the decision for him. He wouldn't get to choose. His clothes would be in a pile and I would tell him that I decided I didn't miss him.

You are right, you cannot compete with distance and you shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have to compete with another woman either. You cannot control his decisions or actions but you can be in control of yours. If he is not feeling connected then he is not trying. It is unthinkable that he got tickets to an event and did not take you especially knowing this was not an all guy event. He is being very selfish and trying to push the blame to you.

Hugs, my friend. I think you are right about this being a mid life crisis for him but don't be his punching bag and don't listen to his nonsense. Take charge of the situation. You have been his wife by his side probably taking care of enormous amounts of things he is not even giving you credit for. He needs to miss this. Sometimes it takes losing what you have to appreciate it. He needs a big dose of reality.
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(hugs)
Old 04-28-2013, 03:41 PM
  #13

I think the others have given you great advice.
((((((hugs)))))))
My only thing to add
If he decides the grass is not greener and comes home do you want him?
I don't think I could ever trust him again.
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Old 04-28-2013, 03:50 PM
  #14

You guys are so supportive, but you make things sound so final. That scares the heck out of me. But I guess from your perspective it is what it is. I don't want to see it. What exactly do you mean by getting my affairs in order? We have a joint account, how will I pay the bills if I take my $ elsewhere? Also how can I do counseling by myself? Don't we both have to be there?
I very much want to save this marriage. Maybe I'm just scared of being alone and never finding someone else? He is all I've loved since I was 19! (40 something now). I did tell him that if he's cheating he'll never see his dd again. I know empty threat, but it just came out.
I'm very shy and really have trouble meeting people, I'm in my mid 40s, so no club scene.
He's going overseas for work, an awesome opportunity for him.
I just hate this feeling This wasn't supposed to happen! I guess I've just been too comfortable with our marriage and haven't given the effort I should. I deserve this.
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Old 04-28-2013, 03:52 PM
  #15

So sorry for you. Is he going out of country for work?
Divorce busters is a great book to read. Your choice to answer phone if he calls. But knowing now what I know-I wouldn't. Married 20 years and this happened to me.

My best line when I got stronger was After all you have done and said I don't want to talk to you. I need to find out if I am just mad or I don't want to love you anymore.

By the way I think mid life crisis, same as my ex. But your crisis isn't my misery.

Last edited by annalilbit; 04-28-2013 at 03:53 PM.. Reason: added info
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Old 04-28-2013, 03:58 PM
  #16

You do not deserve anything bad! Don't do that to yourself. I have been where you are and it wasn't fun.
First of all, counseling for you is important. Go talk to someone about you and how you are feeling. You are the only one you can control.
Second, it's fine to have a joint account. You are not canceling the account, you are just taking your money out and putting it in a different account. Maybe even in a different bank. What's yours is yours. (In my opinion, what's his is your too!)
Just make sure that you know where all of the bills are and that they are getting paid. Look at insurance, etc. just know where and what everything is. When you feel like you have knowledge of things, it helps you to feel more in control.
Feel free to pm me if you need a shoulder to lean on. I wish you the best if luck. Stay strong.
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Old 04-28-2013, 04:05 PM
  #17

You do NOT deserve this and it is not entirely your fault. HE is the one stepping out of the marriage, instead of trying to fix it. Don't even go there!

Yes...you play(ed) a role. Of course you do. However, marriage takes two.

You can go to counseling by yourself and I highly recommend it. He/she will help you become stronger, which is what you need to be right now.

It sounds like you want to try to save your marriage. Nothing wrong with that. I did, too. And after a long-haul, we did it! Together. At first...yes...it was me by myself. As I let him be, he realized what he had. And he realized he had become complacent, too.

If you want to save your marriage I MORE than recommend Divorce Busters!

Again, I'm sorry.
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Old 04-28-2013, 04:24 PM
  #18

Hugs

You do not deserve this. Absolutely not!

I agree that he is doing inappropriate things at least, if not actually cheating. Everyone has different boundaries. You need to decide what this means for you.

It sounds like you want to save the marriage, but he needs to want the same thing too. It is unfair for you to work on it alone and that will not last in the long run. You two need to talk before the 4 week trip and figure out if the marriage is going to be worked on.

His deciding if he misses you is garbage. He is setting himself up to do whatever he wants and then having the final say when he returns. That is not a marriage. He is taking advantage of you wanting to work it out.

Does he have to go? Has soon is the trip? Again, I think you two need talk all of this out and have a plan before he goes. He either wants to stay married and will do what it takes to work through issues or will not. Please don't let him make you feel like you have to put up with his terms. You don't.

Have a bank account with your money in your name. I would do this regardless of the result of your conversation. Just put all your paycheck into an account that is only yours. You can then divert the amount you need to cover half of the bills to your joint one.

Yes you can do counseling on your own, for you. But you two should do it together too. If he doesn't want to and you do, it shows you how willing he is to make an effort.


Be strong, don't make threats, and know that you can be happy without this person. His behavior is his choice. If he was unhappy it was his job to tell you before he cheated/ was inappropriate.
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mid life crisis
Old 04-28-2013, 04:37 PM
  #19

You have gotten lots of good advice. I don't want to discourage you, but it does sound like his is involved with someone else. If he has already "emotionally checked out" then you do need to protect your finances.

There are some scumbag men who clean out all the joint savings accounts (if they exist) and even run up new debt and leave the woman holding the bag. I know a lady whose husband wanted the divorce (and he was a really nice churchgoing dad of one of my students) and one of the things he did was go out and buy a brand new truck and somehow she got stuck paying for it (maybe because the debt was incurred while they were still legally married?)

When my ex started bullying me financially, I promised myself I would never deposit another paycheck of mine in our joint account - and I never did. When I got paid, I put the check in my account and I paid the mortgage and tithe first. (I picked those two things because they were both tax deductible, plus I knew he didn't make enough to pay the mortgage.) I told him what bills I expected him to cover (utilities etc.) and it helped me spend less, because anything I saved was now mine and I used it for a deposit on my next house.

If you do find out that he is cheating, you will be crushed and hurt, but I would suggest that anger will help you more. If you really want it work out, make him pursue you. Please don't beg him!

I have repeated this many times here, but Oprah once said "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
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been there!
Old 04-28-2013, 04:45 PM
  #20

First off, you don't "deserve" this from your husband. What you deserve is to be treated with dignity & respect. You are his wife & the mother of his child; you deserve his best every moment of every day.

Maybe he'll decide to come back, maybe he won't. While he's gone, you need to take steps to look after yourself & your child. The first step is to set up your own bank account that he can't access. Also, you need at least one credit card in your name only. The next step is to seek counseling for yourself. It'll clarify things in your mind to talk things out with somebody who knows how to help you guide your thoughts. When he returns to the states, it'd be great if he went to counseling with you, but you need to go for yourself as well.

How old is your daughter? Depending on her age, you might want to consider counseling for her as well. You also need to think about how you'll discuss any of this with her. Trust me, she knows something's up. She deserves to be treated with dignity & respect.

This is a very scary time for you, so you need to be gentle with yourself. All your thoughts about what you might have done to prevent this are pointless--he's making decisions without thinking about you AT ALL, which shows that this isn't about you or anything you've done or not done.

Blessings to you!
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Old 04-28-2013, 06:00 PM
  #21

I think the first thing I would do after he leaves is call a counselor and get started! (((HUGS))) and prayers!

Nancy
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Old 04-28-2013, 08:32 PM
  #22

Quote:
I deserve this.
NO you do not.
You deserve a partner in your marriage.

Where is he now?
Do you have any way of finding if he is going alone on this trip?
Is it all work or is part of it holiday?
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good advice
Old 04-29-2013, 04:07 AM
  #23

Hi,

My heart is breaking for you! Please prepare yourself financially for what may come.

Two things: why is he going out of the country? May I ask if he is an American citizen or was he foreign born? That may be a huge issue for you.

Second, please go to this site in a day or two:
vineyardcolumbus dot com. The pastor gave an amazing message the past weekend on the topic you are dealing with and it may help you get things in perspective. Go to the messages and look for the message from this past weekend. They are usually on there the following Tues. or Weds.
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:51 AM
  #24

While he is gone move to your own apartment. Take anything and everything you want . Close down any credit card accts you can and freeze the rest. Consult an attorney on what else you need to do to protect yourself financially.

I am sorry but I think he is playing with you. He thinks he is being nice to you but he isn't. He has betrayed you and is now running away bc you have caught on and he is too coward to face you, literally. He is giving you time to move on. I would do it. No one in their right mind who wants to save a marriage hides "friends" then leaves the country.
O
I think freezing the credit.cards while is overseas is exactly what he deserves. Bet the girl won't be so interested when he broke and stranded. And if it really is for work he can use his work account. Is he gone for work? Call and ask if you do not know. Before that can you get into his work desk and poke around? I would.

Do not sit around while he decides. You deserve better than that. Have been married nearly 22yrs and this is extreme behavior. Would you have stood for his during your first yr of marriage? If the answer is no then you know what to do. I am so sorry dh is a smuck.

Run a credit report on the both of you to see if he has any secret credit cards. Men do this then half his debts become yours. That is what getting affairs in order means. Taking his name off retirement accts of yours. Your pay going into seperate acct with just your name. Freezing him from causing more debt, probably spent on his friend, until all is sorted out.

I usually give advice that is softer and suggest counselig etc to sort it out but my perspective has changed. Your dh could have mentioned a long time ago he was feeling distant....he said he felt this way for years? Yet recently he found at least two female friends to talk to before you? Sorry but he doesn't really sound interested in saving anything. Life is too short Jmho. It would be horrible to have this go on but you deserve to be wanted and needed like we all do. Your age is not a factor...you can still have a great life. You said you don't want to be alone. Aren't you alone left in agony right now? Who does that to a love of their life?
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Old 04-29-2013, 07:51 AM
  #25

Well, I caught him talking to "her" on his cell last night. He was in the basement while I was in bed, I got up to let the dog out and he was talking to someone. I know it was her. I tried to check his messages today on his cell, but guess what? He changed his passcode, big surprise!
You are all right, I need to get my act together. It's weird because he still walks around all day and talks to me as if nothing is going on.
AND he just bought an expensive car last month and I realize now that I wasn't there to sign as well. He must've meant to do that, not have my name on it. so right now I'm left without a car. We talked about getting another when our other car's lease is up, which is July. I don't see that happening.
Thank you for that website I will check it out. Any other support group websites out there?
Thank you for helping me see what I'm really married to.
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Old 04-29-2013, 02:40 PM
  #26

Quote:
AND he just bought an expensive car last month
Sorry, but I would clean everything out and put it all in your name. Go for his jugular and then hire a shark lawyer. He crossed the line buying a car and leaving you high and dry!
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oh, honey
Old 04-30-2013, 09:39 AM
  #27

I just want to put my arms around you, give you a cup of tea and take over your life right now. Please see that he has been plotting his move for a long time now. If you haven't confided in your family, please do so and they will probably be able to help you see the forest from the trees.

Personally, I would go see a lawyer this afternoon and get your act together to protect yourself. When is he leaving? Try to do everything you can to make it seem like things are normal in his eyes but get yourself mobilized and as financially independent as possible.

If your lawyer suggests, I would close down any joint checking and savings accounts while his flight is going over the Atlantic and he can't know.

Find a lawyer first, then a support group!

Did you listen to that message I told you about?
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