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Adoption
Old 05-04-2019, 05:57 PM
  #1

So Ive posted before about our infertility struggles. DH and I have talked ALOT about our options etc. I think were going to go forward with adoption. I feel super excited about this. Adoption has always interested me and I always hoped that wed adopt at some point. I had initially pictured us having a biological child first but I think were being led down a different path. I honestly feel very at peace with this decision. I want a family. Its really not important how it happens.

I reached out to a couple agencies to hear what they have to say and Im hoping DH and I will get to meet w one soon. Were also planning to go out w a couple I know who adopted two children.

So Im looking for your stories advice etc. please be kind


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Old 05-04-2019, 06:08 PM
  #2

We adopted my two boys. We are now looking into adopting a third child. Adoption is beautiful. My boys are little so I have no long-term advice except to say that I am sure there will be difficult moments in our future and hard conversations and emotions, but I am happier now than I have ever been. The boys are delightful and my joy.

Best of luck to you. Trust your heart, head, and your gut. You'll know which adoption agencies feel right. I am excited for you. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes.
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My sister adopted a girl from China
Old 05-04-2019, 06:39 PM
  #3

She joined our family when she was 9 months old. She is now 19 and in college. She was a delightful child and has grown into a very kind and talented young woman. It has been a positive experience for her and all of our family. I wish you the best in your journey to add a child to your family.
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Old 05-04-2019, 07:00 PM
  #4

Our family was formed through adoption 18 years ago. Best thing that ever happened to DH & I (there may have been a couple fights w/teenage DD that caused me to wonder what life would have been like as a childless couple )! But seriously, having our DD has been a blessing.

A couple things (you may already know):
~Your child should always know they are adopted. If they remember the day they found out, you waited too long to tell them.
~Someone told me once that the adoption story is your child's story to tell or not tell people, not yours. (obviously, family knows & this applies more to when they are older, such as with teachers, neighbors, friends, etc).

Good luck on your journey!
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Adoption
Old 05-04-2019, 08:07 PM
  #5

We adopted our 4 children through foster care, since we couldn't afford an adoption through an agency. We got a child at 4, 8 weeks, 2, and 9 months. 2 girls and 2 boys.

Even after a tough day, I wouldn't change a thing. These are our kiddos and I'm grateful to be their mama.

Good luck. Joy is out there!


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Old 05-04-2019, 08:43 PM
  #6

We adopted our daughter internationally when she was 4 1/2 months old. She is now 13 and the best thing that has ever happened to us. She is smart, kind, talented and beautiful. While I do wish that I could have had more children or possibly a biological child, I would not trade her for 100 biological children. This is obviously the way God meant for us to build our family.

We talked to her about being adopted from the first night she was home with us and told her "her story" frequently. It was one of her bedtime stories. We have pictures of her birthmother and her foster mother in our home. This has been her reality for as long as she remembers, so she is very comfortable with her adoption. She knows she is adopted and she is grateful to her birth mother for making a brave choice that allowed her to have a comfortable life and to her foster mother for taking good care of her. We communicate frequently with her foster mother so that she has someone she can connect too.

You are in for a beautiful journey.
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Old 05-04-2019, 10:18 PM
  #7

How exciting!

I love Vivian's advice. I don't have any personal stories to share, but I'm excited to hear about this process as you go through it Wishing you a smooth adventure to a child!
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Old 05-05-2019, 01:38 AM
  #8

Congratulations on your decision to adopt! We never pursued the infertility thing; by the time DH and I were married and decided to have kids, I was well over 35, and infertility treatment would have cost too much in so many ways and offered so little promise. So we decided to adopt. We now have four fabulous kids adopted internationally. They are now teens or young adults, and they are totally, 100 percent OUR kids. Our "pregnancies" involved paperwork and travel, not medical care! I wish you all the best as you decide which avenue to pursue. There are many children waiting for a loving home--like yours.

One thing to add, with polite respect to some PPs: Please use the term "was adopted," not "is adopted." Adoption is the way the child arrives in your home, not a permanent different status.
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Old 05-05-2019, 03:58 AM
  #9

Please use whatever social media platforms you engage with to join some groups facilitated by adult adoptees. Some of the opinions will feel harsh, because they will be different than the opinions of the adoptive parents, but they are important in making sure that the child grows up mentally healthy and emotionally secure. This is especially true if you adopt outside of your own race. These people are your child as an adult. Do a lot of reading without responding to give yourself time to process.

One of the most spoken about issues is the myth of the grateful adoptee - That the child should be grateful to the parents for adopting them and grateful that they "escaped" poverty/abuse and grateful to the biological parent for giving them this opportunity. Many adult adoptees speak of how that minimizes the trauma of adoption, and that there is no severing the "silver cord," and that they didn't feel comfortable speaking honestly about their sadness/longing/curiosity with their parents because it would hurt their feelings, which ultimately meant denying a huge part of themselves.

Another oft-discussed issue in cross-racial adoption is the child being the odd one out in most settings - The only one who looks like themself at school, church, extracurriculars, the playground, the family. We now know that the myth of colorblindness ("I don't see your color, just your heart/personality/spirit") is damaging to the self-image of the child. Their heart/personality/spirit IS important, but so is identifying with a group where you see yourself reflected and feel like you innately belong. The child needs lots of racial mirrors to grow up with a strong self-image and lots of interaction to be able to participate in verbal and nonverbal cultural markers that make them part of their home culture instead of erasing it and leaving them "the one who is different" in all settings.

Do lots of reading! There's a lot to learn.
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Old 05-05-2019, 05:08 AM
  #10

Quote:
One of the most spoken about issues is the myth of the grateful adoptee - That the child should be grateful to the parents for adopting them and grateful that they "escaped" poverty/abuse and grateful to the biological parent for giving them this opportunity.
Yes. Adoption involves loss. I have to say, though, that I'm still taken aback by how routinely DS19 thanks me for meals, clothing, books, etc. He was nearly 4 when he joined us. I don't think he specifically, clearly remembers a lot of stuff from the orphanage, but we're certain he was neglected and pretty sure he was abused. In any event, I think he viscerally knows he is grateful for having been adopted out of there. (FYI, we believe his paperwork was falsified by the medical staff, as no medical tests here in the US verified his diagnosis. So, did they help him? We will never know for sure, but...)

Quote:
The child needs lots of racial mirrors to grow up with a strong self-image and lots of interaction to be able to participate in verbal and nonverbal cultural markers that make them part of their home culture instead of erasing it and leaving them "the one who is different" in all settings.
Yes, but also recognize that children never may actually be 100 percent part of their birth culture/race. Sometimes they're not accepted by their birth culture or others of their ethnicity. It is extremely difficult or impossible to replicate here the things that the child lost by having been adopted cross-culturally--for example, language and culture. Example: Years ago, my kids attended a weekend language school. (We have several for this language in our community.) The schools are based on the assumption that the children already speak the language and just need to learn to read/write. Well, our kids couldn't even speak it--you know, subtractive bilingualism. One school tried to accommodate children who were adopted by starting a separate class for them, which wasn't the point; we wanted the kids to be with others who were also of their ethnicity. The school refused to have them in the regular classes because the kids were too far behind. It just didn't work.

Whether we like it or not, children adopted cross-culturally sometimes do fit into an "other" category. I have always approached it this way: As they grow and become adults, our children will determine how and to what extent they adhere to their birth culture/language/ethnicity. Some will reject it totally and be 100 percent "American" (whatever that is). Others will move back to that country and speak the language and ambrace the culture. And others will fall somewhere on the spectrum between the two extremes. We have always made the birth culture/language available throughout the years, but ultimately it is up to them to decide how to incorporate this into their lives. So, DS19 has rejected everything from his birth country. Meanwhile, DD23 is fascinated--but with Korea, which is not her birth country. International adoption is an interesting process. We're still writing the story...


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Old 05-05-2019, 05:21 AM
  #11

My sister and her husband adopted 6 special needs children from China. They have a huge family (she gave birth to 4). She is a very busy, very happy SAHM.
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:06 AM
  #12

Teacherwriter, it's never dull, is it? 😊 There's so much to consider!

Some cross cultural transplants argue that a rejection of culture is a rejection of self, so cultural immersion has to be early and often and not a "jolt" (much like learning you were adopted). Sounds like you've done a lot of research and thinking and observing and living it. The only certainty is that there will be uncertainty....The number one rule of parenting!
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:32 AM
  #13

I hope your dreams come true!
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:34 AM
  #14

My youngest was adopted from foster care. She was my student and when I found out she needed a foster placement my family and I decided we wanted to bring her to our home and when her goal was changed from reunification to adoptions dh and I jumped. From the first day I met her I knew I was supposed to be her Mama.

My dh and I had planned to foster once our oldest biological child was out of the house and bringing the newbie home when we did threw our timeline off a bit but it was meant to be.

Please let me know if you have any questions about the process, Id be happy to answer them if I can!
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:44 AM
  #15

I have two incredible nieces adopted from China. They are like my extra grandchildren. I love them so much. Both are incredible girls...smart, charming, lovely. They have really added so much love to our family.
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Old 05-05-2019, 07:22 AM
  #16

Zia, your sister has 10 kids .. 6 who are special needs ? All I can say is WOW!

Im going through the same thing you are going through right now. We just got our first placement (2/21). Id love to chat and let you know what we have learned.

Theres so much and I couldnt type it all out here. Just know that one day your dreams will come true.

I have Facebook messenger if youd like to connect there. What state are you in ? It helps to have a contact in your state because laws are very different everywhere.

One excellent book I read was: the primal wound.

If you want to a big list of good books to read PM me. I could even send them to you to borrow if youd like. Some arent available in the library.

Good luck, Im praying for you.
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Old 05-05-2019, 07:28 AM
  #17

Quote:
Zia, your sister has 10 kids .. 6 who are special needs ? All I can say is WOW!
Yup. They have a very big, very diverse, very happy family. <3
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Old 05-05-2019, 08:18 AM
  #18

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Teacherwriter, it's never dull, is it?
Ain't that the truth! Kids keep you hopping, that's for sure.

I know there is a segment of the adult Korean adoptee community that is extremely activist about the loss of culture and language. I think (but am not certain) that these folks were adopted several decades ago when assimilation was the norm. Our society has relaxed somewhat on that, thank goodness, and I know the China adoption community has worked very hard to maintain culture as much as possible. It's really tough, though--very challenging.

KT_203, there's a lot to learn and consider. And I haven't even touched on birthparents (since our kids were adopted internationally, we have no birthparent info and thus no experience). Don't let it scare you--dive in! There's lots of learn and many, many opportunities to build your family through adoption!
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Old 05-05-2019, 09:47 AM
  #19

People will give you lots of advice on this thread on varied adoption experiences but really, it all comes down to you and your child and the adoption type you choose. Don't panic reading this thread. It will all work out. Find people you trust to help you navigate it!
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Old 05-05-2019, 12:26 PM
  #20

If we are matched and able to adopt a child I think wed feel so so lucky that we got to parent that child. I keep saying that I really believe our baby is out there. We just have to find them. But theyre already so wanted and loved.

I had always hoped to have 1-2 biological children then adopt one more. I had thought maybe Id adopt a child who was a little older.

Our infertility struggles have changed my plans a little. Id still like to start our journey with an infant. I at least once want the experience of raising a child from birth. Our current plan is do to a domestic adoption.

I know that adoption is a long road and that it can be sad and involve some loss on everyones part. I acknowledge that but Im also trying to focus on the positives.

I feel happier than I have in weeks bc now I feel like were on the road to having a child instead of just spinning our wheels like weve been for months. When we started our infertility journey and we were considering our options I was talking to my mom and I said well Im trying to look at this as this is a HUGE thing now. But 10 years from now this isnt going to dominate my every day thoughts. Will it? And she said no way. In 10 years somehow youll have little kids so youll be too busy to think about this all the time and the pain you went through to get to this place. Someday youll be settled into your life as a young family and yeah some days youll think about your story and youll have tough moments but your every day life will be just like anyone elses w little kids.

Im trying not to get too far ahead of myself but also am trying to read and learn as much as I can.

We are very lucky that our families are extremely supportive of this choice. I feel very blessed in that regard. We havent told any friends yet but dh and I feel confident that our close friends will also be supportive. And if theyre not. Well well go on anyways.
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:31 PM
  #21

Congratulations on your decision to adopt!

We have two bios, conceived after a bout with infertility, and adopted our third child through the foster care system. She came to us as a newborn right from the NICU as our foster child. I can confirm what the others have said is true, there is no difference in the love you feel for them no matter how they joined your family!

I second reading the book, The Primal Wound. The author has a lot of great ideas on things you can do as the child grows up to help lessen any feelings of rejection/abandonment.

The vast majority of people are very supportive of adoption.

Please keep us updated as you can!

Nancy
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Old 05-06-2019, 05:09 AM
  #22

Congratulations on your decision to adopt!! Im a foster parent and would love to complete my family through adoption from foster care if possible. Wishing you lots of luck and blessings along your journey.
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